Apr. 8th, 2017

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I spent a lot of yesterday afternoon and evening on the verge of tears for no reason I could figure out. Maybe it’s something hormonal? I don’t know. I haven’t had a full period since October, and goodness knows things in that direction are out of whack due to my age and medications. It was just completely out of the blue, and I really wanted Scott to help me out, but I couldn’t seem to get him to understand or to remember.

This morning, I had a very definite anxiety dream— I had gone back to college and registered for classes, but I didn’t know which ones I’d gotten or where or when they met. Supposedly, I could find that information out online, but I didn’t know the right commands to get the computer to do anything at all. Oh, and the computer was green on black in terms of text display. I haven’t used anything like that in about twenty five years.

I think, weirdly, that having Scott and Cordelia both in the house constantly all week has added to my stress. I love them dearly, but… When they’re at home, I end up rearranging everything in order to accommodate them without them being accommodating in return.

But having them go back to school and work will be vastly difficult for me, too.

We’re still trying to figure out the bedside table problem. I don’t have a c-PAP yet, but I will very, very soon, and I’m going to need a place to put it and to put all of the stuff I currently keep there. Scott is talking about taking out my bookshelves entirely, but I’m reluctant. I use those shelves for things I’m currently using for fic or think I will soon, for things I haven’t read yet, for reference books, and for library books. Everything that was there that I’m willing to store in the basement has already gone downstairs.

Oh, and I use those shelves for my lotion and deodorant and hairbrush and a couple of medications that I often need at night… There’s also a specific spot where I put medical paperwork that I won’t need for a few days or weeks or longer but need to be able to find immediately the day of the appointment or whatever. We keep games and puzzles on the shelves, too, and really don’t have any other place for them. I think Scott assumes we can just get rid of most of that stuff, but if I was willing to, I would have already. Yes, they’re games I’m not likely to play again, but they’re also the specific copies of those games that I played a lot as a child and teenager. I used to play solitaire Scrabble a lot because no one would play with me. That may not be reason to keep the game, but… I want to.

As my back hurts less, my tendinitis is becoming noticeable again. My back hurt so much for a while that I just no longer felt the tendinitis. I hoped it had really gone, but it hadn’t. The noise from my back was just drowning it out.

Last night, my face and upper chest both started itching horribly. It was quite sudden, and I couldn’t figure out a cause. It felt a lot like I’d been rubbing those parts of my body with wool non-stop for ten or fifteen minutes, so I suspected allergies. I ended up washing and then taking benadryl and slathering on hydrocortisone. That was enough to let me sleep moderately well, but bits of my face still itch this morning. I don’t see any rash or swelling (a little damage from me scratching but nothing else) apart from the rash around my eyes that I’ve had since September. I haven’t put anything new/different on my face or hair. We’re still using fragrance and dye free laundry detergent.

June 2017

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