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Cordelia spent last night with her best friend, a sleepover. They went to a movie at Top of the Park (outdoor showing), so they were out quite late. I think they saw Hidden Figures. The girls are eager to go to more of these movies. The main difficulty is getting them home afterward. I don't think the buses run that late, and Scott can't stay up for that. I doubt the other girl's parents can either.

My psychiatrist says I should use Ativan every night for a while in the hope that that will get me used to the c-PAP. We discussed Lunesta as an option as well, but I wasn't keen on it because new medications that sedate me can send my anxiety through the roof. Lunesta might not since it's supposed to make a person fall asleep really, really fast, but... I thought trying Ativan first was wiser.

She also wants me to practice taking the gear off and putting it back on in as close to night time darkness as I can manage in the hope that that will help the anxiety caused by feeling less able to respond to an emergency. (What sort of emergency, I can't imagine. The anxiety portions of my brain are simply adamant that I must be prepared for emergencies at all times. All possible emergencies rather than anything specific.) There's a reason that, when I startle awake, including with an alarm, I wake pretty completely and can function immediately, no matter how tired I am. That ability to function fades as the day goes on.

I took an Ativan last night and used the c-PAP until Scott's alarm at 5 a.m. I slept without it after that until about 8:30 when Cordelia texted me with a question. That's two hours longer than I'd have slept on a school night. I'm still tired, but I'm able to function. Maybe this will work.

I'm starting to get a headache now, so I'm going to lie down for a while.
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I slept terribly last night. My body wouldn't relax enough for sleeping for the first few hours. I'm pretty sure that it was mostly stress over needing to go out today for an appointment. I should have taken an Ativan, but getting up to do it seemed like way too much effort.

Cordelia dragged me out of bed in a panic at midnight because she'd looked at the bus website and discovered that the bus she'd planned to take to the Traverwood library today and Thursday is detoured and won't go there. There's a chunk of the route that's completely closed, so they have a bus (the A shuttle) covering the part of the route from our place to the closed area and then a bus (the B shuttle) covering from the closed area to the other end of the route. The first bus, on its way back toward downtown, takes a longish detour out to Kroger in order to let people transfer to the bus for the other half of the route. That other half seems to go to the library, but it looks like it would take a good bit longer than the normal route.

Right now, the plan is for Cordelia to catch either the A shuttle just as it starts its detour to Kroger or the bus that normally runs up and down that road and to get off at the street that leads to the library. She'll have to cross a busy road, but there's a light there, and I don't think the walk is all that far. It is possibly farther than I could comfortably walk right now, but I can't walk all that far.

I'm glad to know about the detour because that's the bus I would normally take to get to Kroger, and I'd have absolutely panicked if I got to the point where the road is closed and didn't know what was going on. I don't like the other bus option for getting there, even though the trip is shorter, because it requires crossing five lanes of traffic and because I'm not quite sure where the stop is along there.

Cordelia went downtown to the library yesterday because she had some holds that came in late on Sunday, after we'd already been down there. She was really pleased by how easy it was to get there and is trying to get me to suggest destinations that she might enjoy.

I'm hoping that my psychiatrist (who I'll see today) will have some ideas for making the c-PAP work. All of the alternatives available to me sound pretty terrible. I think it's possible that she'll tell me to take Ativan every night for a week or two to see if I get to the point where my brain accepts that the c-PAP doesn't actually reduce my chances of surviving an emergency. I'm pretty sure that that's my basic problem, and it's not amenable to me wearing the gear while awake to get used to it because it's not the gear that's the problem-- It's my sense that, when asleep, I'm hugely vulnerable and can't afford anything that makes me less able to react. This is a problem that I've had with medications that make me mentally fuzzy.

Today's to do list )
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I'm doing work on my laptop again today and don't know how long it will take. We're looking for duplicate files because it looks like my music files are taking three times as much space as they ought.

Cordelia's best friend was in the ER again last night. During their movie night, her head started hurting, and her vision blurred. Given the concussion three weeks ago, the host parents called the EMTs. Cordelia has been upset and panicked since then. The friend texted her at 3 a.m. to say she was okay, but all her mother is telling us Is that prayers are wanted.
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I survived my mammogram. It didn't show any sign of problems. The whole thing was very, very stressful because they made me wait an hour after the mammogram before telling me that it was okay for me to get dressed and leave. My SIL wasn't allowed to wait with me, and I wasn't allowed to have my cell phone on. I hadn't brought a book because I hadn't realized that either of those things would be true. The magazines in the waiting room were all things that I couldn't bring myself to try to read. The New Yorker seemed too difficult, and Family Circle seemed like the sort of thing where I'd look at it and not actually be able to understand why I was doing it. The TV was set on HGTV which-- Well, at least it wasn't Fox News, right?

I came close to crying a few times while I was waiting, and that got worse as time went on and I realized that I might not make it to my next appointment (a follow up at radiation oncology) on time even though everyone had assured me I would. I got to that with one minute to spare, but it was a very, very near thing.

I managed a couple of loads of laundry and filling and running the dishwasher and getting the trash and the recycling out in the morning before my appointment.
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Our nephew has graduated. There were more than four hundred kids in his class, so it took a long time for them all to cross the stage. As we were driving away after, I asked if anyone had seen a single student who wasn't white. Cordelia said she saw one and that she was glad she wasn't the only one who noticed.

The EMU Convocation Center was not a pleasant place. The seats were painfully small, and so were the rows. I could barely stand by the end. The pain levels were high. Also, everything was so very steep that I was surprised that nobody died. The backs of the seats for each row were about even with the floor of the row behind. I'm not normally afraid of heights, but I was scared to death that I would fall because I was not feeling particularly steady to begin with. Scott's parents had saved us seats in the middle of the row, so we had to squeeze past people to get there. The stairs (I have no idea if there was any seating accessible without stairs) had railings in some spots but also had gaps in the railing of two to three feet at a time which combined very badly with the steepness on the way down after the ceremony.

I was so exhausted that I almost didn't make it to our car. There wasn't any option for me to sit somewhere and wait for Scott to bring the car by, though. I ended up leaning pretty heavily on Scott, and he kept trying to find somewhere for me to wait. There just wasn't anywhere.

I took Ativan a couple of hours before the ceremony. I shudder to think how I'd have felt without it. I fiddled with my cell phone and leaned on Scott and Cordelia in turn in order to deal with the anxiety. I did a bit of holding onto Scott as tightly as I could, too.

My gastroenterology appointment was relatively quick, once the doctor was free to see me. She was a little more than half an hour behind, but all we needed to do was to check in that nothing major had changed and that the medications were still working. Then I made an appointment for June of 2018, and that was that. Scott was able to pick me up which was a relief. I wasn't entirely sure I'd make it up the hill if I took the bus home.

I spent a large chunk of today in bed. I had a migraine that took forever to go away, even with medication, and I've been sneezing a lot with both a runny nose and sinus pressure. I'm not having dinner tonight because we have nothing in the house that won't make me sick (well, nothing that could be prepared in the time we had), one way or the other. I'm not pleased about this. It's now past when I can safely eat anything beyond air popped popcorn (which we don't have) or vanilla ice cream (which I can't have when my allergies are this active).
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I've got the laundry all washed, and one load is dry and upstairs.

I very much want to nap, but I need to be ready to leave here in less than two hours, and I don't think there's time. I also think that I'm too stressed to sleep. I'm delaying taking Ativan because I think that I will need it more for our nephew's graduation which starts seven hours from now than I do for the appointment.

I've had four cups of black tea so far today and 12 oz of Coca-Cola.

I'm trying to figure out whether or not to dress up before going to my appointment. I'm not sure I'll have time to change after. Of course, I'm also not sure I have anything even remotely dressy that fits and has short sleeves.

Also, it's kind of wet outside, and, depending on timing, I may have to take the bus home. I don't think it's currently raining, but it's threatening, and everything out there is wet from earlier rain. Our concrete front steps, which are usually grayish, are kind of brown right now.

I'm also not sure that I'll get dinner tonight. It will depend on when my appointment ends and how long it takes me to get home. I'm tired enough right now, that I'm having trouble figuring out what to eat for lunch. I've had some saltines, four almonds, and two slices of cheese.

I made two phone calls yesterday but also added more calls to my to do list. I think that one of them is going to be manageable today because I'm probably going to get voicemail. Maybe I can manage calling Medequip, too, but I'm not going to get upset with myself if I don't.

Cordelia enjoyed Greenfield Village but was annoyed by the gift shop because nothing had any sort of price tag. The only way to find out what things cost was to take them up to the register and ask, so the line was very, very long the entire time her class was shopping.
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Mostly written before we got power back:

Scott was expecting to work late yesterday, but he got a last minute reprieve. I didn't have all of the things I needed to make lunches for him and Cordelia for today, so I was glad that he was able to get those earlier. I still didn't make Cordelia's sandwich until around 9 p.m.

I added two or three sentences to several WIP yesterday but couldn't settle on anything. Also, writing on my phone is very, very slow. I always think that I'm writing a lot and then discover that it's less than 200 words. I updated my WIP DW account so that the more recent WIP fragments are there. Well, I don't think I put my NPT assignment fragment there yet (can't check easily at the moment due to having no power).

Sleeping without the c-PAP is making a vast and positive difference in my energy levels. I still want more sleep, but I'm not brain fogged, and I'm in less physical pain. I haven't heard back from the sleep disorders clinic yet. I did a little poking around on Google, and apparently claustrophobia is a big reason for people refusing to use a c-PAP. I'm not claustrophobic; I actually like small spaces. When I feel trapped, it's not because the space is small; usually, it's because of my perception of social expectations. I have no idea why the c-PAP is setting that off. I'm 95% certain that it's not the headgear or mask/nasal pillows. I think those are pretty much irrelevant. I've got issues with constant worry about the hose, and I've got issues with feeling trapped by being tethered to the machine. That is, I'd sleep okay with the headgear and such if it wasn't attached to the box.

Most of the library stuff I've got that I can't renew is DVDs, so I'm not making progress on any of that. I've got one DVD set that I haven't started yet that's a single season with twenty seven episodes. I don't think I'm likely to finish that given that it's due on the 11th. I'd have to do not much else. The other DVD set is a lecture series. I've watched two of the eight DVDs there, and each DVD has three hours of content. That's not due until the 18th, so I have a slightly better chance of getting through it before I have to return it.

We're supposed to have friends over for gaming tonight. I'm hoping that one particular person will show up because he knows more about Mac stuff than Scott does and might have ideas for retrieving those damned files. He often doesn't come, though, so I'm not holding my breath.

Scott ran into something on Facebook last night that talked about Fred Rogers being able to lift Mjolnir. It was very sweet and ended with Thor and Mjolnir going off to work with Habitat for Humanity because hammers are meant for building things, not for hitting people.

I'm currently debating whether I should nap or should shower and, maybe, go for a walk. DTE's now showing that most of our neighborhood is without power (22 customers, the last time I checked), so hopefully, they'll give us some level of priority. The DTE site shows a cluster of 21 customers on our street and then 1 on the cul de sac off of our street. They're treating those as separate and as having different causes (equipment failure for us and 'unknown' for the cul de sac) which seems odd to me because that other street is really not at all far away I could walk there in under two minutes without hurrying at all.

And the power is back, an hour earlier than DTE estimated.
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We went to Blue Nile for dinner on Saturday. As usual, we got the vegetarian meal for three. When we get the version with meat, we don't eat enough of it to justify the added cost. The vegetarian version is tasty, filling, and what we really want when we go there. There was live music which isn't really our thing but wasn't terrible. Service wasn't great. We ended up waiting for five to ten minutes at a time on three different occasions. There seemed to be plenty of waitstaff, and they were by no means full, so I really don't know what was going on.

I sent patient portal messages on Saturday to the oncology nurse I see to discuss my decision to stay off of Tamoxifen and to the sleep disorders clinic to ask what I should do about the c-PAP. I am almost entirely sure that the problem is not the headgear. I have issues with being worried that I'll break the hose, disconnect the hose, bend it so that air can't get through, etc. I also have issues with feeling like I'm trapped by the machine itself. Taking off and putting on the headgear feels as insurmountable as sitting in the middle of a row in a crowded theater and desperately wanting to escape. (I felt this yesterday while sitting at my SIL's house because I was stuck in a corner and couldn't get out without getting several people to move. It's very stressful even when there's no reason for me to need to get up at all.)

Feminine TMI )

We spent about five hours at Scott's sister's house yesterday. We left much later than planned because everything we tried to do kind of blew up in our faces. Cordelia's back went out rather abruptly Saturday evening, and she was still hurting a bit by Sunday morning. She doesn't seem to have done anything at all to cause it, either.
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I was hoping to go into town a couple of hours before my appointment today and get lunch and walk around a bit, playing Ingress, but I don't think that's going to happen. I've been sneezing violently off and on. It's raining. Oh, and I have cramps. (On one level, a period would be a good thing, but I really don't want one, not ever again. Also, it would be very difficult for the timing to be worse.)

Cordelia's best friend is home with a concussion. A laptop fell on her head at school yesterday. My assumption is that she was getting one out of the lower rack on the cart while someone else pulled out and dropped one from the upper rack. I wouldn't expect that to be a fall of more than a couple of inches, though, so maybe not. It's just that she's a very tall girl. I can't think how else a laptop would be in a position to fall on her. Even if she was seated, no one would be likely to carry a laptop high enough to drop it on her. And Cordelia said 'fell on her' rather than that someone dropped it on her.

At any rate, Cordelia wants to do something for her friend but rejected every suggestion we made. I'm going to email the girl's mother to ask if there's anything she'd enjoy. If the mother suggests something, I think Cordelia will feel more comfortable with it than she does if we, her parents, suggest things.

Oh, I know! Every time Cordelia visits her friend wants her to bring a particular DVD. A copy of that would probably be a great gift.

Scott's mother called in the middle of my planned nap time yesterday morning. She was taking a walk while Scott's father was at rehab (for heart trouble) and wanted to chat with someone during it. She's very disappointed that my c-PAP isn't making me feel better. Hers apparently did, right away. I explained that, while I wear it, I sleep like Cordelia was six months old and sick and sleeping in the next room. As of tomorrow, it'll be three weeks since I got the dratted thing.

Scott's of the opinion that three weeks is long enough that I should have adjusted and that, since I haven't, I need to talk to someone at the sleep disorders clinic. I'm not sure what they'd have to offer. I don't think it's the specific gear so much as any gear at all. I sleep better when I take Ativan, but I really can't do that every night.

I wrote 1500 words last night but still haven't managed to start my NPT story. I realized after talking to a friend that I was focusing on the wrong character. That other character still needs to be featured prominently, but there's another character who, when I talk about my ideas, is more pivotal. Since that other character was also requested, shifting focus makes sense.
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I slept really badly last night with reflux and gas and pain. I'm almost certain it was a post-stress thing because this is the response I'd expect from my body after the day I had yesterday. It hit hard enough, though, that I called to cancel my PT appointment. I really hope I did it correctly because it would suck big time to have to pay for the missed appointment.

I'm not even sure why I'm still up at this point. I meant to go back to sleep. At first, it was because I thought I might eat something, but everything I looked at in that direction provoked nausea.

I think that my miscalculation yesterday was to go ahead with our evening plans instead of crashing after Cordelia's appointment. I enjoyed seeing our guests, but I think I wasn't up to it. Also, one brought some mildly cheese flavored potato chips, and I likely shouldn't have had any given how things have been the last few weeks. I don't know how much those contributed to the reflux; given how things went, it's possible that they didn't have any effect on it at all. It's just that the rest of what I ate yesterday evening should have been safe.

Unless I was doomed to reflux no matter what I ate.

I have about 2/3 of my character for Scott's Firefly game. He keeps shoving paper character sheets at me and expecting me to fill them out. I finally explained very explicitly that no character sheet is important enough for me to write it by hand at this point. I'd been trying to figure out the best way to make my own version of the sheet online, but Scott tells me there actually is an online version. I'm kind of bewildered as to why he's been pushing the paper version at me for months.
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Yesterday was my last OT appointment, and it was shorter than my scheduled time because we'd covered everything on my list by forty minutes in. I got advice on a couple of things that are not currently problems but were big issues when my hands were at their worst. I thought I'd ask just in case they're ever issues again.

Blue Cab seems to be doing a better job of running the A-Ride than Yellow Cab ever did. Every pick up was within five minutes of the start of the scheduled time (they set a half an hour window), and the cabbies were all friendly. The policy has changed from the drivers having no obligation to help passengers reach the cab to them being required to provide assistance from door to door if it's needed. They're not allowed to go inside, but they're not dumping mobility impaired passengers in awkward places.

Today, I have what might be my last PT appointment but also might not. I rather suspect not. My current intention is to take a cab there and the bus back. I think that I'll take the inbound #23 and transfer to the outbound #22. The stop for the #22 is about 2/3 the distance from the house as the stop for the #23 and doesn't require climbing a steep hill to get home. It'll add about half an hour to my trip, but as long as things don't change, I think I can handle that.

I had anxiety issues yesterday afternoon and evening that I couldn't explain except that maybe I felt guilty for not managing to fit in all of my PT exercises. Some of those require lying on the floor, and I didn't want to do them within an hour or so after eating and really couldn't do them while the cleaning lady was here. I probably could have fit them in after she left and before dinner, but by then, I was having reflux issues that made lying down very unappealing. I did do most of the exercises that I could do sitting or standing, though.

I woke this morning with a headache, but food and caffeine seem to have gotten rid of it. I haven't done any of my PT yet because I want to have all of my energy for going out. I'm still very tired and kind of groggy. I don't think more food will help, and I don't have time to make more tea or coffee. I know there's a coffee kiosk somewhere in Taubman (or there used to be), but I don't want to do the walking required to see if I'm remembering correctly. Plus, there's no guarantee that more caffeine would do anything but make me need many visits to the bathroom which would be pretty inconvenient during an hour long PT appointment.

The GSA at Cordelia's school is doing a reading of I Am Jazz for the 4-8th grades today. It's a picture book, so the reading shouldn't take too long. They'll have a panel discussion afterwards. Cordelia's really looking forward to it. She'll be reading the book. I'm not sure if she'll be part of the panel or not. I don't know if any of the kids are out as trans, but with forty to eighty kids in each grade and nine grades, there's pretty sure to be a kid or three somewhere in the school who is trans even if they're not out. My guess is that the reason for having only 4th through 8th is a combination of space limitations and the attention span for the panel discussion and probably also that explanations that suit five year olds aren't going to work for thirteen year olds. That last probably could be dealt with by an experienced presenter, but this is all kids ages eleven to fourteen who've never done anything of the sort before.
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My physical therapist says that I may need more sessions and that he thinks I'm likely to do well because I have a good attitude. He wants to get me to 50% less pain from the tendinitis because he sees that as a point at which what we're doing would clearly be working. He gave me a set of more general fitness exercises, and I'll have to figure out the best times for those. Before breakfast would be ideal from one point of view, but I don't see a way to do that unless I get up with Scott. The exercises themselves wouldn't take that long, but right now, I get up about an hour and fifteen minutes after Scott does. I can sleep in that window, but I can't if I decrease it at all.

My gynecologist is going to talk to oncology about my test results. Neither she nor I think that there's anything to worry about at present, but the endometrial thickening is something to monitor because it can hide things. It's just that it's not an uncommon thing for women my age on Tamoxifen. She said that I shouldn't consider this a factor in my decision about whether or not to go back on Tamoxifen.

On the assumption that I won't be restarting the Tamoxifen, I scheduled a uterine ultrasound for early August (not, thank goodness, a hysterosonogram this time). I need to set up a return visit with the gynecologist for after that.

I had lunch at Totoro after the appointment at UHS and then took the bus up to the hospital. I discovered that, if I walked really slowly, the tendon didn't start getting cranky nearly as fast. I had hoped to do some Ingress, and I did, but not as much as I'd expected. The Ingress servers seemed to be having problems so that, half the time, I couldn't see anything at all in terms of portals. When I could see portals, it took minutes, sometimes as long as five minutes, for a hack to process. I ended up taking about half an hour to walk the four blocks from Totoro to the bus stop.

My phone ended up with a reasonable charge at the end of the day, and I'm pretty sure that the slowness of Ingress was a factor. I had a charger with me. Of the two I found, one worked, and the other didn't. The one that didn't has Scott's company name on it and was, if I recall correctly, some sort of swag for days without accidents or something of the sort. Scott's of the opinion that it was very, very cheap and that the surprise is that it ever worked at all.

Scott put more memory in my laptop last night. That means that I'm going to spend some time this afternoon seeing whether or not it gets cranky when I try to run certain programs. Messages is still rejecting my AIM login, though, which is probably not surprising but is annoying. I suspect that this also won't help my problems with trying to access IRC with Adium (I don't like having to run Adium for AIM and Colloquy for IRC at the same time).

I ate a turkey (lunchmeat) sandwich for dinner last night around 7:00 and started having reflux issues around ten. Given the way my body was acting, I'd have thought I'd eaten bacon, a lot of bacon. I put off doing anything but eventually took an Ativan. That helped; the problem went away entirely, so I only lost about an hour of sleep instead of the three I'd have lost if I'd taken Tums and sat up waiting for things to resolve. I'm still inclined to make myself more black tea to see if that makes me more alert.

I've got two hours now before my cab comes for OT. Since it's Thursday, mostly what I'll be doing during that time is household chores. I want to run the dishwasher and make sandwiches for Scott and Cordelia and move all of the things that shouldn't be out when the cleaning lady comes. I should be home at least an hour before she comes, but I might as well do that now as later. Most of it takes very little time.

I'm very glad that the Not Prime Time moderators decided to make the requests public. I've seen a few things in fandoms that I wasn't planning to offer that I'm quite sure I could write. I can tailor my offers pretty carefully. If I understand the sign up form correctly, one need only offer one character grouping. I hadn't looked at those fandoms at all because I felt that the requests were likely to be entirely things I couldn't write due to the size of the canons in question. These groupings fit into corners that I know reasonably well and/or could review quickly. I need to settle on two more fandoms to offer and to figure out what I want to request. Once I know what I want to request, I can write my dear author letter and then sign up.
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I’ve posted my Small Fandom Bang fic. It’s part of the House of Sulfur and Mercury arc, a divergence in which Luke comes back for Merlin himself and Merlin does his best to manipulate Luke.

Nothing False and Possible.

I’ve also posted an if-I-get-hit-by-a-bus draft of my Fandom5K story. Well, I suppose it’s more of an if-life-overwhelms-me-this-week draft because that’s actually what I expect to happen. I’m not entirely happy with the ending, and I want to find someone to look over it for SPaG and for consistency in things like capitalization and the names people use for each other, but I don’t think there’s anything truly horrible that way in there (it’s explicit darkfic, so there are plenty of intentionally horrible things in there). I’ve already had to go in and edit three times after I posted because I forgot to write a summary, to delete some notes, and to set the rating.

Maybe I ought not post when I’m low on sleep?

I’m low on sleep because I kept coughing last night. It was that sort of tickling dry cough that doesn’t do anything except make my throat feel less irritated for a second or three. I only slept at all because I discovered that, if I breathed through a bit of the sheet, I didn’t feel the urge to cough. I suspect dryness in the air as the problem because this didn’t feel like illness or allergies. I spent a lot of the night dreaming but still awake enough to be focused on the necessity of holding the sheet in just the right place even when I rolled over. I was convinced, at one point, that the cough was a curse (of the magical type) that had something to do with me not being vegan.

I’ve paid the deposit for choir camp for Cordelia. I still haven’t gotten an answer to my inquiry about accessibility and all of that, but it’s been a week, and I don’t think I’m ever going to get an answer. I really wish they gave a phone number at the school to call with questions like this. I’ve now emailed the camp directly as the pictures on their website are not encouraging and as they make absolutely no mention of accessibility/accommodation except to mention how to get wheelchair seating for the school affiliated concert hall.

I’d think that Interlochen’s camp buildings would be covered by the ADA’s accessibility requirements. The school might get out of it by saying that this is a completely voluntary thing (in spite of saying that all students are expected to attend), but I don’t know that the camp could.

Of course, Scott thinks Cordelia’s going to refuse the surgery this year at all, that she’ll only consider it when she dislocates her knee again. I think she might go for it, especially if her aunt tells her it’s a good idea. She’s said several times that, much as surgery scares her, she really, really doesn’t want to go through a dislocation again.

Scott tried some pork on Saturday. He was okay with the small amount he had for breakfast, no ill effects, but he had a larger serving in the evening and had some intestinal issues the next day. He’s inclined to put that down to the pork, but there’s a chance that he and I both had an intestinal bug of some sort (I put my Saturday issues in that direction down entirely to anxiety, but who knows?). He’s going to be very unhappy when I point out to him that the turkey bratwurst he bought Saturday have pork casings. Of course, I can’t eat them, either, and I don’t think Cordelia is likely to eat more than one or maybe two. Cooking and then freezing seems indicated.

I’m still kind of desperately hoping for good news from the hysterosonogram on Friday so that I can cancel the gynecology appointment on Wednesday morning. Not getting anything before then doesn’t necessarily mean bad news, but going into the appointment with no idea makes it vastly more stressful. I can’t think of anyone who might be available for hand holding purposes on Wednesday, either. Scott and his sister will both be working, and [personal profile] evalerie has a critical all day appointment for her youngest. Scott's parents won't be back in Michigan until next week, and it will be longer than that before my parents get to Michigan.
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I ended up writing 2600 words of my Fandom5K story yesterday. I’m well beyond the minimum word count and am trying to decide how to end things. While I’m making up my mind about that, I’m editing what I wrote yesterday.

I don’t think I’m going to meet my Camp NaNo goal for this month. I’m at 11824 words out of my hoped for 25000. If I did nothing but write all week, I could probably do it, but I’ve got constant appointments all week with Tuesday the only day I’m likely to do much writing (that appointment is for Cordelia and not until 5:30).

I’m pretty sure that taking Ativan yesterday was pretty key in being able to write. It took that and Amerge together to kill the migraine, and I felt much, much better through the rest of the day. I’ve gotten more of the blood test results, but I’m still waiting about the hysterosonogram results.

I’ve decided to wait to sign up for Not Prime Time until I know what’s going on with the hysterosonogram results. If it’s clean, I can sign up if I want to. If it’s not, signing up will depend on what the next steps are and how long I’d have to wait and how long it would take me to recover after.

I need to spend some time talking to Scott today about things he thinks I might need advice about adaptive technology and strategies for. We went through a lot of my previous list at the last session, and I go back tomorrow. I’ve already set up the A-Ride both ways for it.

Scott spent some time poking at my laptop last night. He suspects that it’s simply that my hard drive is old and very, very slow. He thinks it’s a bad sign that I never hear it doing anything. He insisted on running Disk Aid again (I did it three days ago) and was more than a little frustrated that the results came up the same as they did when I ran it: nothing wrong.
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I’m now over 3000 words on my Fandom5K story. I think I’ve finished the backstory/set up. I just have to find the right transition to move forward.

The folks at oncology have told me to go ahead and stop the tamoxifen for a few weeks to see if that changes things. If it doesn’t change my pain levels, I can start it up again without hurting the course of treatment. If it does help, well, I almost certainly won’t start it up again.

We’ve firmed up plans for Easter dinner. We’re bringing a green salad and a serving of some sort of meat that I can eat. We might or might not bring something else. We’re to be there 2:00 or a little later. The hosts will get home around 12:30 and thought 2:00 was reasonable in terms of them having some time.

The library will be closed on Sunday, so we don’t have to work around that. We’ll likely go in on Saturday because there’s a hold Scott wants that expires then.

I’ve got ten minutes before I need to leave for PT. My plan is to try the bus, just to see how walking to the stop affects my tendinitis. I’m hoping it will be a minor thing because the bus is free and doesn’t require someone else carving out time to transport me. [personal profile] evalerie has expressed willingness to help as she can, but this is every day with two appointments some days.

I have off loaded some of the phone calls that relate to Cordelia onto Scott. None of them should take very long. The only complication will be if we need Cordelia to sign a release in order for the surgeon's office to tell us the procedure codes for the possible surgeries, and we want to get her to sign a release anyway so that I can call and do things like ask what time her appointments are.

I'm going to hold off on scheduling anything with orthopedics until I find out how stopping the tamoxifen affects my hands. I'd really hate to jump into unnecessary surgery. The tamoxifen didn't cause the underlying osteoarthritis, but it may be making the pain levels worse. I'm not holding my breath that it will be a magical solution, but I might get lucky.
the_rck: (Default)
I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now. I’ve made the OT appointments, and they’re one a week for the next three weeks (including this one). They are, sadly, at Domino Farms, so I have limited options for getting there. I’m going to try to get my act together to see if the A-Ride does go there. My neighbor says that her mother has used it to get there, but that doesn’t mean that I can. I’m not supposed to be able to use it for anything on the Plymouth Road bus route, and someone being nasty might take the fact that the nearest stop is more than a mile away as insufficient to count the place as not being on that route. Domino Farms is right off of Plymouth Road. It’s just that the bus doesn’t go out that far.

The PT appointments are at the main hospital, and I definitely can’t use the A-Ride for getting there because the Plymouth Road bus stops right outside the main entrance. Scott will be able to get me home from two of the appointments at the hospital because they’re late enough in the day that I’ll be done around when he’d get back to town anyway.

I wrote about 1000 words last night. 940 of them were on the Fandom5K story, so I’m nearly halfway to minimum word count. My current goal is to get a bus draft as quickly as I can and then polish it as much as I have time for after I post it. Bad news about the various uterine tests would likely leave me with major problems making the deadline, depending on what treatment was recommended and how soon.

My mother emailed me this morning to let me know that her cell phone has been stolen. She mainly lost phone numbers because she’d been clinging to an ancient phone that could make calls and send texts and not do anything else at all. She’s hoping she can still avoid the smartphone trap.

Scott’s sister just called, and she can’t come to the hysterosonogram appointment with me. She can, however, take me to lunch in the 3.5 hour gap between PT and that appointment. I was mostly worried about being alone at the hospital for that time. After how I melted down before last year’s mammogram, I’m trying to make sure I have someone around in the time leading up to similar tests. (Which is why I’m so hugely grateful that [personal profile] evalerie was able to be there with me yesterday.)

My gynecologist sent me a message to say that my hormone blood tests show me as perimenopausal but not yet fully menopausal.

I really, really want a nap right now, but I think it will be Saturday before I can fit one in. Instead, I’m going to cat wax a bit by looking online for plastic storage bins that might fit under my bedside table. Amazon mostly seems to sell those in batches of six, and I only want/can use one, but having some specific names might help when going to Target or Meijer or wherever nearby.

I’m kind of hoping the Med-equip is its usual efficient self and doesn’t get back to me until some time in May. I really, really don’t have time or resources to try get out there for a c-PAP fitting and all that.
the_rck: (Default)
I got most of the urgent things from my to do list done yesterday. Sadly, the remaining two are the hardest to manage. I’m just so stressed out that I can’t deal.

After our trip to the library, Scott and I went out to Kroger to replace the sausages (which did turn out to still be in the trunk of the car) and pick up almond milk and a replacement hairbrush for me. The hairbrush required an additional stop, at the Rite Aid across the street, and I’m not happy with what we ended up with. The only thing we could find with bristles stiff enough and close enough together to be useful was $10 (wooden handle, extra stiff fake boar bristles) and hurts a bit when the bristles get to my skin.

Maybe my missing hairbrush will turn up now that we’ve bought a replacement. I hope so, anyway.

We went to Barnes & Noble last night. Cordelia got a book by Marie Lu. I got three books that I’ve read before but think I’m likely to reread. Scott was surprised that I bought anything because I usually don’t, but I’m hugely stressed out and have been for days. I needed something nice.

I wrote about 230 words on the Fandom5K story last night and had Scott take a look at what I’ve written. This bit is suffering from me trying to cover a lot of time very rapidly, and I think the bridging sections are weak/dull. I have, however, figured out what I need to write next. Well, I have two options for it. One makes more logistical sense for the characters, but the other would be a stronger emotional punch for readers. Maybe both? There’s no reason it couldn’t be both except that it will take time/space. I’m a long way from being able to put in the stuff that my recipient really wants. I need to build an AU in order to make it all make sense. The 5000 word length is actually part of the problem. With a lower word count, I’d just throw readers in and expect them to figure out what was going on. With 5000 words as the minimum, putting in the backstory makes sense. I just… kind of want to write a novel, and I don’t have time.

I slept badly last night because I was stressed out (I took an Ativan before bed because I expected anxiety to keep me awake) and because of temperature issues. We had the ceiling fan going. I was too warm with the sheet over me and too chilly without it. Ah, well. It did give me time to think about my story.

Today, I’ll finally be seeing my gynecologist about the occasional bleeding I’ve had since the beginning of the year. I’m pretty anxious about it because she wanted to get me in in less than a week after I told her what was going on but the scheduled didn’t work, so it’s been a month. It’s likely that I’ve got either fibroids or polyps. Even if I don’t, they’ll have to take a look at the interior of my uterus anyway which will not be fun at all. My guess is that that will require a referral and an additional appointment or three. I just hope that it can be done quickly so that I can stop stressing out over it.

I need to figure out what we can take to the family Easter gathering. As usual, Scott’s sister’s in-laws will host. Scott’s parents are in Florida. Scott, Cordelia, and I are kind of tacked onto the gathering for Scott’s sister’s in-laws. They’re very nice to us and accommodating of our dietary restrictions. I just never quite feel comfortable.

Bread is possible and a vegetable or a green salad, but someone else usually does that. Scott’s sister is making GF green bean casserole and some sort of dessert fruit salad. Her MIL will make ham and a bit of chicken (I can’t eat ham, generally). Her SIL will bring something, too, but hasn’t said what. There will probably be other relatives there who will also contribute food.

I have a library book due next weekend that can’t be renewed. I’ve been putting off picking it up because it’s heavy enough that I can’t possibly hold it at the right distance to read it. I’ll figure something out, though. I’ve also got two books due this weekend that can be renewed but that I’ve already renewed several times. I’m likely to have a lot of waiting room time this week, so maybe I could work on those during those times. One of the books is a paperback, so I probably can hold it to read. The other is a hardcover but not terribly thick. I’m still less sure I can hold it for more than a few minutes at a time.
the_rck: (Default)
I spent a lot of yesterday afternoon and evening on the verge of tears for no reason I could figure out. Maybe it’s something hormonal? I don’t know. I haven’t had a full period since October, and goodness knows things in that direction are out of whack due to my age and medications. It was just completely out of the blue, and I really wanted Scott to help me out, but I couldn’t seem to get him to understand or to remember.

This morning, I had a very definite anxiety dream— I had gone back to college and registered for classes, but I didn’t know which ones I’d gotten or where or when they met. Supposedly, I could find that information out online, but I didn’t know the right commands to get the computer to do anything at all. Oh, and the computer was green on black in terms of text display. I haven’t used anything like that in about twenty five years.

I think, weirdly, that having Scott and Cordelia both in the house constantly all week has added to my stress. I love them dearly, but… When they’re at home, I end up rearranging everything in order to accommodate them without them being accommodating in return.

But having them go back to school and work will be vastly difficult for me, too.

We’re still trying to figure out the bedside table problem. I don’t have a c-PAP yet, but I will very, very soon, and I’m going to need a place to put it and to put all of the stuff I currently keep there. Scott is talking about taking out my bookshelves entirely, but I’m reluctant. I use those shelves for things I’m currently using for fic or think I will soon, for things I haven’t read yet, for reference books, and for library books. Everything that was there that I’m willing to store in the basement has already gone downstairs.

Oh, and I use those shelves for my lotion and deodorant and hairbrush and a couple of medications that I often need at night… There’s also a specific spot where I put medical paperwork that I won’t need for a few days or weeks or longer but need to be able to find immediately the day of the appointment or whatever. We keep games and puzzles on the shelves, too, and really don’t have any other place for them. I think Scott assumes we can just get rid of most of that stuff, but if I was willing to, I would have already. Yes, they’re games I’m not likely to play again, but they’re also the specific copies of those games that I played a lot as a child and teenager. I used to play solitaire Scrabble a lot because no one would play with me. That may not be reason to keep the game, but… I want to.

As my back hurts less, my tendinitis is becoming noticeable again. My back hurt so much for a while that I just no longer felt the tendinitis. I hoped it had really gone, but it hadn’t. The noise from my back was just drowning it out.

Last night, my face and upper chest both started itching horribly. It was quite sudden, and I couldn’t figure out a cause. It felt a lot like I’d been rubbing those parts of my body with wool non-stop for ten or fifteen minutes, so I suspected allergies. I ended up washing and then taking benadryl and slathering on hydrocortisone. That was enough to let me sleep moderately well, but bits of my face still itch this morning. I don’t see any rash or swelling (a little damage from me scratching but nothing else) apart from the rash around my eyes that I’ve had since September. I haven’t put anything new/different on my face or hair. We’re still using fragrance and dye free laundry detergent.
the_rck: (Default)
I can’t seem to get myself to focus. Spring break combined with the Monday night sleep disorders clinic thing has just smacked me. I’ve been doing a lot of utterly trivial cat waxing and can’t seem to stop. This is the sort of thing where I browse our local library’s online catalog and look at, say, every single graphic novel in the collection, all 9800 of them in screens of twenty at a time. I used to play solitaire on my laptop to fill that sort of space, but my hands can’t do it now.

I can’t focus to read or to watch anything, either. I mean, I watched Rogue One with Scott yesterday afternoon, but… I didn’t really watch it. It was overall more violent than I’m comfortable with, so had I been on my own, I’d probably have stopped early on. I’m feeling the same way about Magical Beasts and Where to Find Them which I’ve got from the library and have been watching with Scott and Cordelia.

This is a problem I’m having a lot lately. I just don’t care about most of what I start, be it a TV show or a movie or a book. The best I get is tepid. This is not so great when I’ve got about twenty library books checked out and a heck of a lot of books I own and haven’t yet read. I’ve only seen the first three or four episodes of the most recent season of The Librarians. I’ve seen scattered episodes of the various shows Scott and Cordelia are enthusiastic about, but I’d mostly rather lie in bed and write than try to deal with the stress of watching.

And watching and reading actually are stressful. Watching moreso than reading because, when I read, I can at least open the book to different places if I feel trapped. This is why I haven’t been reading much fic, either. Skipping around in that is hard and kind of counterproductive. I’ve never been great at reading short stories. Those actually take a harder push for me than something over 10000 words. I have no idea why that is.

The more stressed I am, the harder it is to read or to watch anything.

I have managed, though, to fill out and mail the Aetna reimbursement claim forms. Hopefully, we’ll get something back there. A substantial something would be really nice. Scott’s been working on the taxes. We ran into some hitches with getting all the documentation we needed for medical expenses and with access to the tax preparation software Scott uses (he forgot to change his email address with them before we ditched Earthlink) that required him sending them a scan of his driver’s license.

Cordelia is spending the night with a friend tonight, but they’ll be over here bright and early and expecting Scott to take them shopping. I can probably stay in bed because I can’t drive the car and because they only need one adult with credit cards/cash. I think they want to go to thrift stores, but I’m not certain.

We had friends over to play games last night. We played and lost a six player game of Flashpoint. Then Scott and some of the others tried a Kickstarter game based on The Dresden Files (while I went and lay down in an effort to stop my back hurting). Scott was unimpressed by the game. It’s very pretty, but play isn’t flexible or balanced. If anyone’s interested, I can ask him to expand on that, but I don’t remember most of what he told me last night.

I have twenty three days to write, edit, and post my Fandom5K story.
the_rck: (Default)
The sleep disorders clinic overnight went okay. I had trouble finding a position to lie in that didn’t make my back hurt enough to keep me awake. The mattress was harder than I’m comfortable with, so it left my body in a much different configuration than I’m used to. I ended up starting on my right side (which is generally my third choice position after back and left side) then switching to on my back midway through the night when I woke.

I had reflux issues through the evening but was okay when I lay down. I took Tums around 7:30 and an Ativan about 8:40. The Ativan helped more.

The technician forgot to let me get up to take my thyroid medication. I didn’t demand it because I had no way to know what time it was. The forgetting was understandable. The other patient she was monitoring ended up needing an ambulance at about the time I should have taken my medication. I took it immediately on getting up, and the timing ended up working out for that because Scott and Cordelia didn’t arrive until an hour later.

Scott and Cordelia picked me up, and we went to breakfast at the Northside Grill which is a diner about a mile from home. Scott and Cordelia had omelets, and I had potato pancakes. Cordelia was very grumpy at having been dragged out of bed so early.

I suspect that my biggest problems with the c-PAP will be odor and temperature. That is, when I breathe warm air, I parse it as stale. I can’t pull covers over my head to sleep unless I make sure I have an opening where I can get cooler air. The c-PAP air was warmer than the surrounding air by enough that part of me kept thinking I wasn’t getting breathable air.

We still don’t have a bedside table for me to put a c-PAP. That’s really urgent now. I don’t have a c-PAP yet, but I’m likely to fairly soon (depending on how many delays MedEquip throws in. Their reputation is terrible in that direction).

I’m really exhausted, so I’m probably going to post this, set an alarm (we have to be somewhere at 2:30), and see if I can sleep.

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