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I spent most of yesterday writing up a document for out of town Ingress people who are coming to the anomaly in Ann Arbor at the end of the month. The hotels for our side are in a part of town that I know well, so I started off talking about the bus options from there to downtown and/or central campus and then got into parking and how the parts of the University of Michigan fit into the town and the food options out by the hotels and as one heads into town. I also mentioned publicly accessible bathrooms (the coffee shops are the best options but wheelchair/scooter access may vary).

I ended up with thirteen pages of babbling. Someone else caught an error that I've now corrected-- I used 'Westland' (the town where Scott works) instead of 'Westgate' (the shopping mall out Jackson Road near 94).

Somehow, that ate all of the time I'd meant to use for other things.

Around 8 p.m., Scott and I went out to a place we hadn't been before for some Ingress. I'd spotted a cluster of about a dozen portals in a cemetery when we drove by a few months back, but somehow, we never got around to going out there before now. It was about a ten minute drive. We didn't end up keeping the portals long, but they were new for both of us. I let Scott capture most of them because he's close to leveling up, needing about 250K points while I need 1.5 million points.

There are more portals further out that road, but I'm not sure there's another cluster that large.

He and I both need a lot of specific bits of equipment for the anomaly. I have no idea how we're going to be able to get it all given the lack of available time. Well, I theoretically have time. I just don't have the stamina or the access to visit a lot of portals. I'm also going to have to ditch all my keys. I don't want to, but I don't see us paying for any equipment like key lockers. I suppose I should look and see how much they cost, but I really don't think it's a justifiable expense.

I'm worried about the anomaly because of my mobility and stamina issues. I've explained them to the organizers, but I'm not sure they actually understood. When I say that an hour to an hour and a half of walking very slowly is a hard limit, I really do mean it. If I do that much, I'm not going to be doing anything else that day. They put me (and Scott so we can be together) on a 'slow moving team,' but the anomaly will last about four hours. I really, really can't manage that.

And that's without the possibility that Scott might not make it until two hours into the dratted thing due to having to work. We won't know about work until the day before, so it's not something we can plan for.

They also want us to install several communications apps on our phones, and I'm dubious about it. I really don't want anything that will eat up my battery that way, and I try not to install apps unless I'm certain I'm going to use them a lot. Ingress, Feedly, Life360, Wunderlist, and Habitica are the extra apps that I actually use a lot. I have one game besides Ingress, and that's FluidMonkey which is good for when my brain has dribbled out my ears. I don't use it often.

The list is zello, ingress intel, maps, slack, and glympse. I have no idea what zello and glympse are. Ingress intel makes sense, but I had the impression from something Scott said a while back that it wasn't available to me. Guess I'll check. I've looking into the Slack app, and everything I read about it makes it sound like something I don't want within six miles of any device of mine.

I suppose I can install apps the day before and delete them immediately after. There are apps on my phone that I really, really don't want but can't delete because they're bundled into the OS.

We watched a movie after we got back and somehow lost track of time so that we didn't turn off the light until midnight. I once again couldn't sleep because I was too warm. That led to spiraling anxiety about all the things I need to get done and how I won't be able to on so very little sleep. I ended up with about four hours of fitful sleep, all without the c-PAP. (I took it off before I fell asleep, about an hour and a half after I put it on. At that point, it claimed that I was averaging seven prolonged stoppages of breathing per hour. This seems to be a trend. That is, if I'm awake with the stupid thing running, it registers lots of problems, but if I fall asleep quickly, it registers almost none.

I think the Ativan is working less well in terms of helping me relax to sleep. I'm not sure how much of that is the way that Scott being on nights for two weeks and then on vacation this week has thrown off my routines and how much is anxiety about getting Cordelia ready for camp next week and high school starting after Labor Day. Right now, our plan for getting Cordelia to Skyline for camp departure is for Scott to drop her off before he heads to work. She says she doesn't want/need me there, but I'm not sure whether or not she'll stick to that.

Cordelia's supposed to by there at 7 a.m. for an 8 a.m. bus departure. If we deal with a cab, we would need to call at 6 a.m. in order to be sure of getting there by 7. That would likely mean us getting to the school by 6:30. At that point, it kind of makes sense for Scott to drop us (or just Cordelia) off before heading to work. It would mean getting there at 6:15 unless he gets permission from work to be a little late (which he says he's going to request). If he's able to be there until Cordelia can get into the building, I'd be willing to stay home. I just don't want her sitting, alone, outside the school for forty five minutes.

Cordelia's never been away for anything like this long. The closest was four or five days with Scott's sister when she was seven and I had my gallbladder removed. I think that it will be a good experience for her, but there's going to be anxiety for all three of us until we settle into it.
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The worst bit of this week is over now. I've done my fasting blood draw and uterine ultrasound. We got Cordelia through her blood draw. That last was pretty rough on all three of us.

I felt much better yesterday afternoon after Scott and Cordelia went off to the Eagle Scout ceremony without me. I started getting tense again when they got home, but I think that was more because I was suddenly looking at all the stuff that still needed doing rather than because they were back.

I haven't done any writing in the last couple of days. I'm not sure if any writing will happen this week at all given everything that needs doing while Scott's off work, but it's hard to say.

Scott and I both slept kind of badly last night. I managed the c-PAP all night, but I never really managed deep sleep. He, of course, was dealing with his body's sense of when to sleep being off. He got up with Cordelia this morning. I pretended to sleep a bit longer (getting out of bed with the need to continue fasting would have been hard).
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Yesterday continued as one of the worst headache days in recent memory. The sinus part more or less went away (but my sinuses itched), but anxiety/stress made my shoulders, neck, and the back of my head hurt terribly, and the main headache moved above my eyes to become a classic (for me) migraine. I was even light sensitive.

I took Amerge. I tried to nap. I tried stretches and relaxation. I tried writing a to do list for the rest of the month and giving it to Scott to see if he could help me make it smaller. He dealt with talking to the sports medicine surgeon and with the groceries (except that he forgot something that I really will need for tomorrow). It turns out that he has access to email Cordelia's patient portal (I don't ) and could just send a message through that instead of calling.

I slept badly last night and ended up getting up at about 7 a.m. (after going to bed at about 2 a.m.) because I had horrible reflux of the sort I only get when I'm really, really falling apart due to anxiety. Omeprozale and oatmeal did enough to let me lie down again, and I dreamed a bit, so I must have slept at least a little.

I'm not sure anything much is going to help until I'm through today and tomorrow. I need to do all of that stuff without Ativan because my prescription says one a day and I'm using that one to let me sleep with the c-PAP on. My doctor says taking more than one a day is fine, but I can't refill the damned thing before thirty days have passed, so doubling up means skipping some other day.

Scott has decreed that I'm not going to the Eagle Scout ceremony for our nephew. It's better for me that way, but I feel guilty because I missed his graduation party, too.

Hm. For tomorrow, they want the fasting blood draw to be in the window between 10 and 12 hours of fasting. They open at 8:00 a.m., and I can't eat after 8:00 p.m. if I want to be able to sleep before 3:00 a.m. I have no idea how to manage this. Given when Cordelia leaves and the buses in general, I can't get there before 9:00. If Scott's able to stay up long enough to get me to UHS, it will still likely be 8:15 or 8:30 when we arrive because of traffic. The window used to be between 12 and 16 hours fasting.

I might be able to get the blood draw done somewhere else. Most of the clinics affiliated with the university open at 7:00 a.m., but I'd have to get there without Scott's help because of Cordelia needing one of us at home up until 7:50. I'm not willing to take the bus at that time of day because that bus is a major, major commuter shuttle between the park and ride lots and the hospital and central campus.
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I slept eight hours last night, all of it with the c-PAP, but it was very light and not very restful sleep because I still feel like I've been flattened and desperately want to go back to bed. My elbows hurt when I lie on my back for too long (I'm pretty sure that the joints are hyperextending) because there isn't a way I can keep my arms bent without making other things hurt even more.

My parents arrived here about 11:30, and we ended up going to the same Chinese place we went to the last time they came. I had really wanted to go to Totoro which is downtown, but losing that half an hour made it just not really feasible.

My mother texted me around 5:00 to say that the procedure went well and that they were already back in Lawton (two hours away).

Around 3:20, Cordelia, who was at the downtown library, called me to tell me that her best friend had hit her head while volunteering at the same camp where Cordelia did last week. This is the girl who had the bad concussion at the end of May and then needed another ER trip for a relapse two weeks later. I woke Scott and he drove over to get her because we didn't want her to have to wait there or to have to walk up that steep hill in the heat. Cordelia got home about thirty seconds after Scott got her friend here, and the two of them went into Cordelia's room and seemed to be happy. (We'd been kind of worried because the other girl looked kind of out of it and wouldn't talk to either of us.)

I had tried calling the other girl's mother and texting her mother while Scott was getting her but failed to reach her. She called us on the landline about fifteen minutes after her daughter got here. It took her another half an hour to get here because she had to take the bus. The girl said she'd called Cordelia because she didn't have any other numbers for our family, and her mother said she'd correct that oversight as she (the mother) has my cell, Scott's cell, and our landline numbers.

The last I heard, the other girl was doing okay, but that was last night. I kind of suspect that she's not at camp today, but I don't know.

Monday is going to suck hugely. I need to be up for Cordelia at 6:30 and do a fasting blood draw sometime after 8:30 or 9:00 (need to check when UHS opens) which probably means getting down there by bus. At 1:00 I have a uterine ultrasound, also at UHS. In the evening, we need to take Cordelia out to East Ann Arbor for a blood draw.

I wanted to do Cordelia's last night since the place was open until 7:30 (only until 5:30 today and so utterly impossible unless Scott was willing to do it before going to bed which he wasn't). Scott thought that we ought to give Cordelia at least a day's notice. I disagreed strongly, but he went ahead and told her right before he left for work last night. She spent the next hour having something approaching a panic attack and blaming me for it. I am decidedly unhappy with Scott about this.

Also, doing it last night would have made it more likely that, if she needs vitamin supplements or thyroid medication we could still manage to get the camp permission slips for those signed and turned in before departure. Cordelia's pediatrician requires a two day turnaround for those things, so Thursday is the absolute latest we can turn them in and still have them for the orientation meeting the following Monday evening (departure is at 8 a.m. on Tuesday with Cordelia needing to be there at 7 a.m. which is going to be vastly fun given that going by cab means a choice between risking being late and being almost certain to have a half an hour to sit outside the building before they let us in).

I talked to one of the camp organizers Wednesday afternoon about medications and such. She clarified that, although all the forms say that prescriptions need to be held and dispensed by either the nurse or the cabin counselor, prescription topical acne medications are not included under that. I'd have thought, given the age group, that those medications would be common enough to merit some sort of mention of them being an exception.

One of Cordelia's prescriptions has changed dosage, and the bottle is too full for us to be able to get a new one with the new dosing information. The camp is completely inflexible on that. They will administer medications exactly according to label no matter what other documentation you have.
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My sleep was only middling last night. I was stressed out at bedtime and didn't end up turning out the light until much later than usual because I wanted to unwind a bit. I used the c-PAP for part of the night. It had been my intention to use it all night, but I took it off in the middle of the night. I don't know why. I remember doing it and that it seemed important to do so, but I can't remember why.

I decided to make use of being up early to do a chore that I've been putting off for months. I pulled all of the books I've already read off the shelves in bedroom (two shopping bags filled to the top) and consolidated the other books as much as I could. I've dusted some of the shelves. I don't know that the dust quite made it to the dust bunny stage, but I at least had dust mice.

I want to clear enough space that I can have one shelf for library books. Having them in six different places isn't conducive to remembering to read them. I also want space for my thumb splints and some place level to land my laptop over night when I've been using it in there before bed.

I need to figure out what to do with the jigsaw puzzles. I like puzzles, but we don't really have a place for me to do them. Setting up a card table isn't really feasible for space reasons, not unless I'm going to finish the puzzle in a single afternoon while I'm home alone.

Scott scheduled today as a vacation day so that he could deal with two medical appointments. The way work schedules things, that means he has tonight off. Their book keeping considers third shift to be on the day that it starts rather than on the day it ends. This is partly so they can say that third shift works M-F instead of Tu-Sa. At any rate, his first appointment is at 11 and the second at either 2 or 3. Right now, the plan is for him to shower and then try to nap for an hour before the first appointment.

We need to wash Scott's work clothes today, and I'd like to change the sheets and run a load of laundry for us and maybe for Cordelia. I need to shower, too, and I'd like to nap if I can. Oh, and it's trash day. Great fun.

Tomorrow, my parents will be in town briefly because my step-father has an appointment about that growth in his eye. They suggested that we go to lunch. I'm pretty sure that they were hoping to see Cordelia, but they never did much to build a relationship with her, so she's got zero interest. She'd go along if she had nothing else going on, but she's not going to skip part of her volunteering in order to see them.

Scott gave me a ride to and from my appointment yesterday. I wouldn't have asked, but I was feeling really miserable due to cramping. He took the opportunity to pick up an interlibrary loan book that had come in for Cordelia.

My psychiatrist suggested that I try to find some sort of online, at home work to earn money to help while we're financially strapped. I'm looking at that as a huge can of worms. There's not a lot I'm able to do because of not being able to commit to regular hours or even to a set number in a week. Also, most of the online work options aren't things I'd be good at or aren't things that my anxiety would permit.

I'm also concerned about the possibility that earning money, even sporadically, might affect my disability status with either Social Security or my long term disability insurance through my former employer. The LTD insurer is always looking for any hint that I might not be disabled. I might be able to work for a while before I wrecked myself, and that might well be long enough to lose the LTD insurance payments and the medical insurance that goes along with the money.

My writing might be marketable, but I think that would wreck me, too, because there'd need to be a lot of it, and I'd need to figure out how to sell it and work at making sure that people saw it and... I'd stay awake all night worrying that I had or hadn't done something that would just wreck everything. Also, the sort of writing that might bring in money within any sort of helpful time frame would likely be some sort of ebook porn short stories. I can write porn. Sometimes. I can even write it quickly. Sometimes. I just... I write dark and complicated, and sometimes, I can't write at all for days or even weeks.

My psychiatrist also said that, if I'm still exhausted the next time I see her, we can talk about stimulants because insurers will cover them for people with sleep apnea who have been using a c-PAP for at least two months. I'm not entirely optimistic. Provigil (modafinil) didn't help me at all, and I suspect that caffeine has more of a psychological effect for me than a physiological one. Well, if I've recently had caffeine, sleeping is harder because I have to get up to pee every twenty minutes, but I'm not sure that counts.

It's frustrating that she's the only medical professional I'm dealing with who understands that the things that the other doctors are worried about all derive at least in part from fatigue/exhaustion and from anxiety and pain making sleep difficult. And each of those things makes all of the others worse.

I did some edits on my second Pod Together fic yesterday, all things that my partner requested. I'm hoping that the changed text will be easier to read. I still need to do one check on the pronunciation of the name of a minor character. I think I remember how it was pronounced, but I don't want to rely on that.

I also wrote about four hundred words on chapter 7 of Auguries of Innocence. I need to go back to the early part of the chapter to lay some groundwork for the things that just occurred to me as necessary. It's all about a character who hasn't been in any of the previous chapters, so I don't need to tweak anything earlier in the story. (This is an advantage of using point of view characters who don't think the way that most people do, Draco because he's unmoored in time, and Luna because she never did.)
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Some amount of being in a small space with a lot of strangers ahead of me today. Our nephew's graduation party is this afternoon from noon for 4 p.m. at his home. It's nice outside, so I expect some part of the party will be in the yard. Scott and Cordelia have just left. I'm not currently able to manage the drive up there (about 25 minutes) without frequent bathroom breaks, so Scott's going to come back for me later on. I think he'd have put off going until later, but we promised to pick up the breadsticks his sister ordered for the party. Those actually need to be there when the guests start arriving.

I know our nephew won't really care that much if I don't show up at all, but his parents will, and I will. Scott's of the opinion that this is a bad combination of the anticipatory stress of the event with the other things that have hit me this week. He's probably right. It's just... I rarely used to have this sort of problem around events like this.

But, as soon as Scott and Cordelia left, I started feeling a little better. That argues very, very strongly for anxiety. I think I might lie down for a while after I post this.

Scott bought a card this morning because trying to design and print a photo card was going to be too time consuming and difficult. The printer hasn't been doing well with anything like that. He was nodding off through most of the morning because he worked 3 a.m. to 7 a.m. and then did the grocery shopping. Yesterday's shift was nasty, too. One of the water lines broke, and (of course) it was the one furthest back so that getting at it required shutting down and moving three other water lines.

I mostly cat waxed yesterday. I got a fair way toward cleaning out the last of duplicate emails. I think I've got one folder of about two hundred messages to weed and sort. Discovering that putting a copy of a message into a folder that already held a copy would not produce duplicates made the whole process much, much simpler because I just consolidated things without trying to determine if they were duplicates or not.

I need to find a first sentence for the fic I'm starting. It may not be a sentence I keep, but that first sentence is what breaks the dam. I'm thinking that I may just do stream of consciousness in the character's POV to see what I discover about him. That's worked in the past to shake things loose when I wasn't quite certain of the voice.

There's a multi-fandom remix running with signups now. They're not restricting fandoms, though, which I can see as a potential problem in knowing what to offer to write. For past remixes, I've had some overlap in what I offer for remixing and what I offer to remix, but mostly I've gone through the list of possibilities and written down fandoms I think I could do. Then I weed that list down to the maximum I'm allowed to offer to write.

I'm remixable in Weiss Kreuz, Chronicles of Narnia, and Chronicles of Amber. The other fandoms that look potentially workable all contain crossovers or have one of the three stories not quite hit the minimum word count. If the [community profile] pod_together fics were revealed, I'd qualify for Labyrinth and (if that's what I end up writing for my second story) The Pretender.

Ah, well. It's not as if I didn't already have half a dozen other things that I want to do during that window. I think I should pass on this one.
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This headache won't quit. At this point, the sinus component is gone, and I'm about 80% sure that everything remaining is related to upcoming deadlines for which I don't have my projects completed. I've been working on one of those all morning and might have an end in sight. Maybe.

The other, I haven't started, but I can ask for an extension of a week, so it's quite possible to get it done. I'm mainly delaying asking in case, for some horrible reason, I need an extension on the first project, too.

I've taken Tylenol, Mucinex, Amerge, and Ativan toward killing the headache. I've also had enough water to make my back teeth float and some caffeine and some fat and protein. A cold pack helped a lot, but the meds, apart from the Ativan, didn't help much. I really think that what I need is to finish the first [community profile] pod_together story.
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Cordelia is now saying that she doesn't want to go to camp in August because she doesn't think she can handle a week without me. She also says that she's sure all of the other kids will be awful people and that there will be so many people present that there's no hope of her managing to spend any time with the people she actually knows.

She's been wanting lots of hugs and cuddling and reassurance that I'll always be there for her. She's also afraid any time she lets herself stop and think (mostly in the evenings). Her days have been pretty full, but she comes home and tells me that, even though she had fun, she missed me horribly. I think she's got some sort of worry that, if she's not checking up on me regularly, I'll just vanish.

I finally listened to the voicemail Cordelia's psychiatrist left. She says that the Celexa ought to stay at a steady level for twenty four hours on a single dose and that this may mean the dose is too low. Cordelia is afraid of upping the dose because she's connected her tiredness to the medication. I need to call the doctor back on Monday to discuss it.

Cordelia has more or less mastered swallowing small pills. Last night, she asked what I take for cramps, and I gave her a naproxen. It took her two swallows to get it down, but she did, and she was astonished to discover that it did help.

Her report card came today. It's all A's with an A+ in gym and an A- in algebra. Cordelia's of the opinion that they can't have counted the algebra final in that grade because she thinks that would have taken her down to B+ or even B range. I can't tell from PowerSchool whether or not she's right. It doesn't actually matter. B grades are good, too, and that particular class has been nasty for all the students due to the teacher not being very good.
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Cordelia spent last night with her best friend, a sleepover. They went to a movie at Top of the Park (outdoor showing), so they were out quite late. I think they saw Hidden Figures. The girls are eager to go to more of these movies. The main difficulty is getting them home afterward. I don't think the buses run that late, and Scott can't stay up for that. I doubt the other girl's parents can either.

My psychiatrist says I should use Ativan every night for a while in the hope that that will get me used to the c-PAP. We discussed Lunesta as an option as well, but I wasn't keen on it because new medications that sedate me can send my anxiety through the roof. Lunesta might not since it's supposed to make a person fall asleep really, really fast, but... I thought trying Ativan first was wiser.

She also wants me to practice taking the gear off and putting it back on in as close to night time darkness as I can manage in the hope that that will help the anxiety caused by feeling less able to respond to an emergency. (What sort of emergency, I can't imagine. The anxiety portions of my brain are simply adamant that I must be prepared for emergencies at all times. All possible emergencies rather than anything specific.) There's a reason that, when I startle awake, including with an alarm, I wake pretty completely and can function immediately, no matter how tired I am. That ability to function fades as the day goes on.

I took an Ativan last night and used the c-PAP until Scott's alarm at 5 a.m. I slept without it after that until about 8:30 when Cordelia texted me with a question. That's two hours longer than I'd have slept on a school night. I'm still tired, but I'm able to function. Maybe this will work.

I'm starting to get a headache now, so I'm going to lie down for a while.
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I slept terribly last night. My body wouldn't relax enough for sleeping for the first few hours. I'm pretty sure that it was mostly stress over needing to go out today for an appointment. I should have taken an Ativan, but getting up to do it seemed like way too much effort.

Cordelia dragged me out of bed in a panic at midnight because she'd looked at the bus website and discovered that the bus she'd planned to take to the Traverwood library today and Thursday is detoured and won't go there. There's a chunk of the route that's completely closed, so they have a bus (the A shuttle) covering the part of the route from our place to the closed area and then a bus (the B shuttle) covering from the closed area to the other end of the route. The first bus, on its way back toward downtown, takes a longish detour out to Kroger in order to let people transfer to the bus for the other half of the route. That other half seems to go to the library, but it looks like it would take a good bit longer than the normal route.

Right now, the plan is for Cordelia to catch either the A shuttle just as it starts its detour to Kroger or the bus that normally runs up and down that road and to get off at the street that leads to the library. She'll have to cross a busy road, but there's a light there, and I don't think the walk is all that far. It is possibly farther than I could comfortably walk right now, but I can't walk all that far.

I'm glad to know about the detour because that's the bus I would normally take to get to Kroger, and I'd have absolutely panicked if I got to the point where the road is closed and didn't know what was going on. I don't like the other bus option for getting there, even though the trip is shorter, because it requires crossing five lanes of traffic and because I'm not quite sure where the stop is along there.

Cordelia went downtown to the library yesterday because she had some holds that came in late on Sunday, after we'd already been down there. She was really pleased by how easy it was to get there and is trying to get me to suggest destinations that she might enjoy.

I'm hoping that my psychiatrist (who I'll see today) will have some ideas for making the c-PAP work. All of the alternatives available to me sound pretty terrible. I think it's possible that she'll tell me to take Ativan every night for a week or two to see if I get to the point where my brain accepts that the c-PAP doesn't actually reduce my chances of surviving an emergency. I'm pretty sure that that's my basic problem, and it's not amenable to me wearing the gear while awake to get used to it because it's not the gear that's the problem-- It's my sense that, when asleep, I'm hugely vulnerable and can't afford anything that makes me less able to react. This is a problem that I've had with medications that make me mentally fuzzy.

Today's to do list )
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I'm doing work on my laptop again today and don't know how long it will take. We're looking for duplicate files because it looks like my music files are taking three times as much space as they ought.

Cordelia's best friend was in the ER again last night. During their movie night, her head started hurting, and her vision blurred. Given the concussion three weeks ago, the host parents called the EMTs. Cordelia has been upset and panicked since then. The friend texted her at 3 a.m. to say she was okay, but all her mother is telling us Is that prayers are wanted.
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I survived my mammogram. It didn't show any sign of problems. The whole thing was very, very stressful because they made me wait an hour after the mammogram before telling me that it was okay for me to get dressed and leave. My SIL wasn't allowed to wait with me, and I wasn't allowed to have my cell phone on. I hadn't brought a book because I hadn't realized that either of those things would be true. The magazines in the waiting room were all things that I couldn't bring myself to try to read. The New Yorker seemed too difficult, and Family Circle seemed like the sort of thing where I'd look at it and not actually be able to understand why I was doing it. The TV was set on HGTV which-- Well, at least it wasn't Fox News, right?

I came close to crying a few times while I was waiting, and that got worse as time went on and I realized that I might not make it to my next appointment (a follow up at radiation oncology) on time even though everyone had assured me I would. I got to that with one minute to spare, but it was a very, very near thing.

I managed a couple of loads of laundry and filling and running the dishwasher and getting the trash and the recycling out in the morning before my appointment.
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Our nephew has graduated. There were more than four hundred kids in his class, so it took a long time for them all to cross the stage. As we were driving away after, I asked if anyone had seen a single student who wasn't white. Cordelia said she saw one and that she was glad she wasn't the only one who noticed.

The EMU Convocation Center was not a pleasant place. The seats were painfully small, and so were the rows. I could barely stand by the end. The pain levels were high. Also, everything was so very steep that I was surprised that nobody died. The backs of the seats for each row were about even with the floor of the row behind. I'm not normally afraid of heights, but I was scared to death that I would fall because I was not feeling particularly steady to begin with. Scott's parents had saved us seats in the middle of the row, so we had to squeeze past people to get there. The stairs (I have no idea if there was any seating accessible without stairs) had railings in some spots but also had gaps in the railing of two to three feet at a time which combined very badly with the steepness on the way down after the ceremony.

I was so exhausted that I almost didn't make it to our car. There wasn't any option for me to sit somewhere and wait for Scott to bring the car by, though. I ended up leaning pretty heavily on Scott, and he kept trying to find somewhere for me to wait. There just wasn't anywhere.

I took Ativan a couple of hours before the ceremony. I shudder to think how I'd have felt without it. I fiddled with my cell phone and leaned on Scott and Cordelia in turn in order to deal with the anxiety. I did a bit of holding onto Scott as tightly as I could, too.

My gastroenterology appointment was relatively quick, once the doctor was free to see me. She was a little more than half an hour behind, but all we needed to do was to check in that nothing major had changed and that the medications were still working. Then I made an appointment for June of 2018, and that was that. Scott was able to pick me up which was a relief. I wasn't entirely sure I'd make it up the hill if I took the bus home.

I spent a large chunk of today in bed. I had a migraine that took forever to go away, even with medication, and I've been sneezing a lot with both a runny nose and sinus pressure. I'm not having dinner tonight because we have nothing in the house that won't make me sick (well, nothing that could be prepared in the time we had), one way or the other. I'm not pleased about this. It's now past when I can safely eat anything beyond air popped popcorn (which we don't have) or vanilla ice cream (which I can't have when my allergies are this active).
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I've got the laundry all washed, and one load is dry and upstairs.

I very much want to nap, but I need to be ready to leave here in less than two hours, and I don't think there's time. I also think that I'm too stressed to sleep. I'm delaying taking Ativan because I think that I will need it more for our nephew's graduation which starts seven hours from now than I do for the appointment.

I've had four cups of black tea so far today and 12 oz of Coca-Cola.

I'm trying to figure out whether or not to dress up before going to my appointment. I'm not sure I'll have time to change after. Of course, I'm also not sure I have anything even remotely dressy that fits and has short sleeves.

Also, it's kind of wet outside, and, depending on timing, I may have to take the bus home. I don't think it's currently raining, but it's threatening, and everything out there is wet from earlier rain. Our concrete front steps, which are usually grayish, are kind of brown right now.

I'm also not sure that I'll get dinner tonight. It will depend on when my appointment ends and how long it takes me to get home. I'm tired enough right now, that I'm having trouble figuring out what to eat for lunch. I've had some saltines, four almonds, and two slices of cheese.

I made two phone calls yesterday but also added more calls to my to do list. I think that one of them is going to be manageable today because I'm probably going to get voicemail. Maybe I can manage calling Medequip, too, but I'm not going to get upset with myself if I don't.

Cordelia enjoyed Greenfield Village but was annoyed by the gift shop because nothing had any sort of price tag. The only way to find out what things cost was to take them up to the register and ask, so the line was very, very long the entire time her class was shopping.
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Mostly written before we got power back:

Scott was expecting to work late yesterday, but he got a last minute reprieve. I didn't have all of the things I needed to make lunches for him and Cordelia for today, so I was glad that he was able to get those earlier. I still didn't make Cordelia's sandwich until around 9 p.m.

I added two or three sentences to several WIP yesterday but couldn't settle on anything. Also, writing on my phone is very, very slow. I always think that I'm writing a lot and then discover that it's less than 200 words. I updated my WIP DW account so that the more recent WIP fragments are there. Well, I don't think I put my NPT assignment fragment there yet (can't check easily at the moment due to having no power).

Sleeping without the c-PAP is making a vast and positive difference in my energy levels. I still want more sleep, but I'm not brain fogged, and I'm in less physical pain. I haven't heard back from the sleep disorders clinic yet. I did a little poking around on Google, and apparently claustrophobia is a big reason for people refusing to use a c-PAP. I'm not claustrophobic; I actually like small spaces. When I feel trapped, it's not because the space is small; usually, it's because of my perception of social expectations. I have no idea why the c-PAP is setting that off. I'm 95% certain that it's not the headgear or mask/nasal pillows. I think those are pretty much irrelevant. I've got issues with constant worry about the hose, and I've got issues with feeling trapped by being tethered to the machine. That is, I'd sleep okay with the headgear and such if it wasn't attached to the box.

Most of the library stuff I've got that I can't renew is DVDs, so I'm not making progress on any of that. I've got one DVD set that I haven't started yet that's a single season with twenty seven episodes. I don't think I'm likely to finish that given that it's due on the 11th. I'd have to do not much else. The other DVD set is a lecture series. I've watched two of the eight DVDs there, and each DVD has three hours of content. That's not due until the 18th, so I have a slightly better chance of getting through it before I have to return it.

We're supposed to have friends over for gaming tonight. I'm hoping that one particular person will show up because he knows more about Mac stuff than Scott does and might have ideas for retrieving those damned files. He often doesn't come, though, so I'm not holding my breath.

Scott ran into something on Facebook last night that talked about Fred Rogers being able to lift Mjolnir. It was very sweet and ended with Thor and Mjolnir going off to work with Habitat for Humanity because hammers are meant for building things, not for hitting people.

I'm currently debating whether I should nap or should shower and, maybe, go for a walk. DTE's now showing that most of our neighborhood is without power (22 customers, the last time I checked), so hopefully, they'll give us some level of priority. The DTE site shows a cluster of 21 customers on our street and then 1 on the cul de sac off of our street. They're treating those as separate and as having different causes (equipment failure for us and 'unknown' for the cul de sac) which seems odd to me because that other street is really not at all far away I could walk there in under two minutes without hurrying at all.

And the power is back, an hour earlier than DTE estimated.
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We went to Blue Nile for dinner on Saturday. As usual, we got the vegetarian meal for three. When we get the version with meat, we don't eat enough of it to justify the added cost. The vegetarian version is tasty, filling, and what we really want when we go there. There was live music which isn't really our thing but wasn't terrible. Service wasn't great. We ended up waiting for five to ten minutes at a time on three different occasions. There seemed to be plenty of waitstaff, and they were by no means full, so I really don't know what was going on.

I sent patient portal messages on Saturday to the oncology nurse I see to discuss my decision to stay off of Tamoxifen and to the sleep disorders clinic to ask what I should do about the c-PAP. I am almost entirely sure that the problem is not the headgear. I have issues with being worried that I'll break the hose, disconnect the hose, bend it so that air can't get through, etc. I also have issues with feeling like I'm trapped by the machine itself. Taking off and putting on the headgear feels as insurmountable as sitting in the middle of a row in a crowded theater and desperately wanting to escape. (I felt this yesterday while sitting at my SIL's house because I was stuck in a corner and couldn't get out without getting several people to move. It's very stressful even when there's no reason for me to need to get up at all.)

Feminine TMI )

We spent about five hours at Scott's sister's house yesterday. We left much later than planned because everything we tried to do kind of blew up in our faces. Cordelia's back went out rather abruptly Saturday evening, and she was still hurting a bit by Sunday morning. She doesn't seem to have done anything at all to cause it, either.
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I was hoping to go into town a couple of hours before my appointment today and get lunch and walk around a bit, playing Ingress, but I don't think that's going to happen. I've been sneezing violently off and on. It's raining. Oh, and I have cramps. (On one level, a period would be a good thing, but I really don't want one, not ever again. Also, it would be very difficult for the timing to be worse.)

Cordelia's best friend is home with a concussion. A laptop fell on her head at school yesterday. My assumption is that she was getting one out of the lower rack on the cart while someone else pulled out and dropped one from the upper rack. I wouldn't expect that to be a fall of more than a couple of inches, though, so maybe not. It's just that she's a very tall girl. I can't think how else a laptop would be in a position to fall on her. Even if she was seated, no one would be likely to carry a laptop high enough to drop it on her. And Cordelia said 'fell on her' rather than that someone dropped it on her.

At any rate, Cordelia wants to do something for her friend but rejected every suggestion we made. I'm going to email the girl's mother to ask if there's anything she'd enjoy. If the mother suggests something, I think Cordelia will feel more comfortable with it than she does if we, her parents, suggest things.

Oh, I know! Every time Cordelia visits her friend wants her to bring a particular DVD. A copy of that would probably be a great gift.

Scott's mother called in the middle of my planned nap time yesterday morning. She was taking a walk while Scott's father was at rehab (for heart trouble) and wanted to chat with someone during it. She's very disappointed that my c-PAP isn't making me feel better. Hers apparently did, right away. I explained that, while I wear it, I sleep like Cordelia was six months old and sick and sleeping in the next room. As of tomorrow, it'll be three weeks since I got the dratted thing.

Scott's of the opinion that three weeks is long enough that I should have adjusted and that, since I haven't, I need to talk to someone at the sleep disorders clinic. I'm not sure what they'd have to offer. I don't think it's the specific gear so much as any gear at all. I sleep better when I take Ativan, but I really can't do that every night.

I wrote 1500 words last night but still haven't managed to start my NPT story. I realized after talking to a friend that I was focusing on the wrong character. That other character still needs to be featured prominently, but there's another character who, when I talk about my ideas, is more pivotal. Since that other character was also requested, shifting focus makes sense.
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I slept really badly last night with reflux and gas and pain. I'm almost certain it was a post-stress thing because this is the response I'd expect from my body after the day I had yesterday. It hit hard enough, though, that I called to cancel my PT appointment. I really hope I did it correctly because it would suck big time to have to pay for the missed appointment.

I'm not even sure why I'm still up at this point. I meant to go back to sleep. At first, it was because I thought I might eat something, but everything I looked at in that direction provoked nausea.

I think that my miscalculation yesterday was to go ahead with our evening plans instead of crashing after Cordelia's appointment. I enjoyed seeing our guests, but I think I wasn't up to it. Also, one brought some mildly cheese flavored potato chips, and I likely shouldn't have had any given how things have been the last few weeks. I don't know how much those contributed to the reflux; given how things went, it's possible that they didn't have any effect on it at all. It's just that the rest of what I ate yesterday evening should have been safe.

Unless I was doomed to reflux no matter what I ate.

I have about 2/3 of my character for Scott's Firefly game. He keeps shoving paper character sheets at me and expecting me to fill them out. I finally explained very explicitly that no character sheet is important enough for me to write it by hand at this point. I'd been trying to figure out the best way to make my own version of the sheet online, but Scott tells me there actually is an online version. I'm kind of bewildered as to why he's been pushing the paper version at me for months.
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Yesterday was my last OT appointment, and it was shorter than my scheduled time because we'd covered everything on my list by forty minutes in. I got advice on a couple of things that are not currently problems but were big issues when my hands were at their worst. I thought I'd ask just in case they're ever issues again.

Blue Cab seems to be doing a better job of running the A-Ride than Yellow Cab ever did. Every pick up was within five minutes of the start of the scheduled time (they set a half an hour window), and the cabbies were all friendly. The policy has changed from the drivers having no obligation to help passengers reach the cab to them being required to provide assistance from door to door if it's needed. They're not allowed to go inside, but they're not dumping mobility impaired passengers in awkward places.

Today, I have what might be my last PT appointment but also might not. I rather suspect not. My current intention is to take a cab there and the bus back. I think that I'll take the inbound #23 and transfer to the outbound #22. The stop for the #22 is about 2/3 the distance from the house as the stop for the #23 and doesn't require climbing a steep hill to get home. It'll add about half an hour to my trip, but as long as things don't change, I think I can handle that.

I had anxiety issues yesterday afternoon and evening that I couldn't explain except that maybe I felt guilty for not managing to fit in all of my PT exercises. Some of those require lying on the floor, and I didn't want to do them within an hour or so after eating and really couldn't do them while the cleaning lady was here. I probably could have fit them in after she left and before dinner, but by then, I was having reflux issues that made lying down very unappealing. I did do most of the exercises that I could do sitting or standing, though.

I woke this morning with a headache, but food and caffeine seem to have gotten rid of it. I haven't done any of my PT yet because I want to have all of my energy for going out. I'm still very tired and kind of groggy. I don't think more food will help, and I don't have time to make more tea or coffee. I know there's a coffee kiosk somewhere in Taubman (or there used to be), but I don't want to do the walking required to see if I'm remembering correctly. Plus, there's no guarantee that more caffeine would do anything but make me need many visits to the bathroom which would be pretty inconvenient during an hour long PT appointment.

The GSA at Cordelia's school is doing a reading of I Am Jazz for the 4-8th grades today. It's a picture book, so the reading shouldn't take too long. They'll have a panel discussion afterwards. Cordelia's really looking forward to it. She'll be reading the book. I'm not sure if she'll be part of the panel or not. I don't know if any of the kids are out as trans, but with forty to eighty kids in each grade and nine grades, there's pretty sure to be a kid or three somewhere in the school who is trans even if they're not out. My guess is that the reason for having only 4th through 8th is a combination of space limitations and the attention span for the panel discussion and probably also that explanations that suit five year olds aren't going to work for thirteen year olds. That last probably could be dealt with by an experienced presenter, but this is all kids ages eleven to fourteen who've never done anything of the sort before.
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My physical therapist says that I may need more sessions and that he thinks I'm likely to do well because I have a good attitude. He wants to get me to 50% less pain from the tendinitis because he sees that as a point at which what we're doing would clearly be working. He gave me a set of more general fitness exercises, and I'll have to figure out the best times for those. Before breakfast would be ideal from one point of view, but I don't see a way to do that unless I get up with Scott. The exercises themselves wouldn't take that long, but right now, I get up about an hour and fifteen minutes after Scott does. I can sleep in that window, but I can't if I decrease it at all.

My gynecologist is going to talk to oncology about my test results. Neither she nor I think that there's anything to worry about at present, but the endometrial thickening is something to monitor because it can hide things. It's just that it's not an uncommon thing for women my age on Tamoxifen. She said that I shouldn't consider this a factor in my decision about whether or not to go back on Tamoxifen.

On the assumption that I won't be restarting the Tamoxifen, I scheduled a uterine ultrasound for early August (not, thank goodness, a hysterosonogram this time). I need to set up a return visit with the gynecologist for after that.

I had lunch at Totoro after the appointment at UHS and then took the bus up to the hospital. I discovered that, if I walked really slowly, the tendon didn't start getting cranky nearly as fast. I had hoped to do some Ingress, and I did, but not as much as I'd expected. The Ingress servers seemed to be having problems so that, half the time, I couldn't see anything at all in terms of portals. When I could see portals, it took minutes, sometimes as long as five minutes, for a hack to process. I ended up taking about half an hour to walk the four blocks from Totoro to the bus stop.

My phone ended up with a reasonable charge at the end of the day, and I'm pretty sure that the slowness of Ingress was a factor. I had a charger with me. Of the two I found, one worked, and the other didn't. The one that didn't has Scott's company name on it and was, if I recall correctly, some sort of swag for days without accidents or something of the sort. Scott's of the opinion that it was very, very cheap and that the surprise is that it ever worked at all.

Scott put more memory in my laptop last night. That means that I'm going to spend some time this afternoon seeing whether or not it gets cranky when I try to run certain programs. Messages is still rejecting my AIM login, though, which is probably not surprising but is annoying. I suspect that this also won't help my problems with trying to access IRC with Adium (I don't like having to run Adium for AIM and Colloquy for IRC at the same time).

I ate a turkey (lunchmeat) sandwich for dinner last night around 7:00 and started having reflux issues around ten. Given the way my body was acting, I'd have thought I'd eaten bacon, a lot of bacon. I put off doing anything but eventually took an Ativan. That helped; the problem went away entirely, so I only lost about an hour of sleep instead of the three I'd have lost if I'd taken Tums and sat up waiting for things to resolve. I'm still inclined to make myself more black tea to see if that makes me more alert.

I've got two hours now before my cab comes for OT. Since it's Thursday, mostly what I'll be doing during that time is household chores. I want to run the dishwasher and make sandwiches for Scott and Cordelia and move all of the things that shouldn't be out when the cleaning lady comes. I should be home at least an hour before she comes, but I might as well do that now as later. Most of it takes very little time.

I'm very glad that the Not Prime Time moderators decided to make the requests public. I've seen a few things in fandoms that I wasn't planning to offer that I'm quite sure I could write. I can tailor my offers pretty carefully. If I understand the sign up form correctly, one need only offer one character grouping. I hadn't looked at those fandoms at all because I felt that the requests were likely to be entirely things I couldn't write due to the size of the canons in question. These groupings fit into corners that I know reasonably well and/or could review quickly. I need to settle on two more fandoms to offer and to figure out what I want to request. Once I know what I want to request, I can write my dear author letter and then sign up.

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