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Cordelia spent last night with her best friend, a sleepover. They went to a movie at Top of the Park (outdoor showing), so they were out quite late. I think they saw Hidden Figures. The girls are eager to go to more of these movies. The main difficulty is getting them home afterward. I don't think the buses run that late, and Scott can't stay up for that. I doubt the other girl's parents can either.

My psychiatrist says I should use Ativan every night for a while in the hope that that will get me used to the c-PAP. We discussed Lunesta as an option as well, but I wasn't keen on it because new medications that sedate me can send my anxiety through the roof. Lunesta might not since it's supposed to make a person fall asleep really, really fast, but... I thought trying Ativan first was wiser.

She also wants me to practice taking the gear off and putting it back on in as close to night time darkness as I can manage in the hope that that will help the anxiety caused by feeling less able to respond to an emergency. (What sort of emergency, I can't imagine. The anxiety portions of my brain are simply adamant that I must be prepared for emergencies at all times. All possible emergencies rather than anything specific.) There's a reason that, when I startle awake, including with an alarm, I wake pretty completely and can function immediately, no matter how tired I am. That ability to function fades as the day goes on.

I took an Ativan last night and used the c-PAP until Scott's alarm at 5 a.m. I slept without it after that until about 8:30 when Cordelia texted me with a question. That's two hours longer than I'd have slept on a school night. I'm still tired, but I'm able to function. Maybe this will work.

I'm starting to get a headache now, so I'm going to lie down for a while.
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I slept terribly last night. My body wouldn't relax enough for sleeping for the first few hours. I'm pretty sure that it was mostly stress over needing to go out today for an appointment. I should have taken an Ativan, but getting up to do it seemed like way too much effort.

Cordelia dragged me out of bed in a panic at midnight because she'd looked at the bus website and discovered that the bus she'd planned to take to the Traverwood library today and Thursday is detoured and won't go there. There's a chunk of the route that's completely closed, so they have a bus (the A shuttle) covering the part of the route from our place to the closed area and then a bus (the B shuttle) covering from the closed area to the other end of the route. The first bus, on its way back toward downtown, takes a longish detour out to Kroger in order to let people transfer to the bus for the other half of the route. That other half seems to go to the library, but it looks like it would take a good bit longer than the normal route.

Right now, the plan is for Cordelia to catch either the A shuttle just as it starts its detour to Kroger or the bus that normally runs up and down that road and to get off at the street that leads to the library. She'll have to cross a busy road, but there's a light there, and I don't think the walk is all that far. It is possibly farther than I could comfortably walk right now, but I can't walk all that far.

I'm glad to know about the detour because that's the bus I would normally take to get to Kroger, and I'd have absolutely panicked if I got to the point where the road is closed and didn't know what was going on. I don't like the other bus option for getting there, even though the trip is shorter, because it requires crossing five lanes of traffic and because I'm not quite sure where the stop is along there.

Cordelia went downtown to the library yesterday because she had some holds that came in late on Sunday, after we'd already been down there. She was really pleased by how easy it was to get there and is trying to get me to suggest destinations that she might enjoy.

I'm hoping that my psychiatrist (who I'll see today) will have some ideas for making the c-PAP work. All of the alternatives available to me sound pretty terrible. I think it's possible that she'll tell me to take Ativan every night for a week or two to see if I get to the point where my brain accepts that the c-PAP doesn't actually reduce my chances of surviving an emergency. I'm pretty sure that that's my basic problem, and it's not amenable to me wearing the gear while awake to get used to it because it's not the gear that's the problem-- It's my sense that, when asleep, I'm hugely vulnerable and can't afford anything that makes me less able to react. This is a problem that I've had with medications that make me mentally fuzzy.

Today's to do list )
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Okay, I think I need to move the nap up my list of priorities. I'm feeling lightheaded with occasional dizziness (is dizziness the right term when I sometimes look at words on a page and they swirl?), and fatigue is the most likely cause. I looked at what I've eaten and at how much water I've had. I haven't started any new meds. I don't have other symptoms. The dizziness doesn't seem to relate to what position I'm in, standing, sitting, or lying down. It might relate to me turning rapidly which would make an inner ear thing more likely, I think.

I considered going out to the grocery store because Scott didn't get everything I needed for making the bean salad (I was a bit too ambiguous on the grocery list) and because having some snacks for when friends come over this evening would be nice. It just seems like a terrible idea if I might have a sudden few seconds of dizziness while, say, crossing a street.

I have at least managed almost everything I need to do that requires walking around. I think this is a good reason to order delivery for lunch rather than trying to cook.
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Our nephew has graduated. There were more than four hundred kids in his class, so it took a long time for them all to cross the stage. As we were driving away after, I asked if anyone had seen a single student who wasn't white. Cordelia said she saw one and that she was glad she wasn't the only one who noticed.

The EMU Convocation Center was not a pleasant place. The seats were painfully small, and so were the rows. I could barely stand by the end. The pain levels were high. Also, everything was so very steep that I was surprised that nobody died. The backs of the seats for each row were about even with the floor of the row behind. I'm not normally afraid of heights, but I was scared to death that I would fall because I was not feeling particularly steady to begin with. Scott's parents had saved us seats in the middle of the row, so we had to squeeze past people to get there. The stairs (I have no idea if there was any seating accessible without stairs) had railings in some spots but also had gaps in the railing of two to three feet at a time which combined very badly with the steepness on the way down after the ceremony.

I was so exhausted that I almost didn't make it to our car. There wasn't any option for me to sit somewhere and wait for Scott to bring the car by, though. I ended up leaning pretty heavily on Scott, and he kept trying to find somewhere for me to wait. There just wasn't anywhere.

I took Ativan a couple of hours before the ceremony. I shudder to think how I'd have felt without it. I fiddled with my cell phone and leaned on Scott and Cordelia in turn in order to deal with the anxiety. I did a bit of holding onto Scott as tightly as I could, too.

My gastroenterology appointment was relatively quick, once the doctor was free to see me. She was a little more than half an hour behind, but all we needed to do was to check in that nothing major had changed and that the medications were still working. Then I made an appointment for June of 2018, and that was that. Scott was able to pick me up which was a relief. I wasn't entirely sure I'd make it up the hill if I took the bus home.

I spent a large chunk of today in bed. I had a migraine that took forever to go away, even with medication, and I've been sneezing a lot with both a runny nose and sinus pressure. I'm not having dinner tonight because we have nothing in the house that won't make me sick (well, nothing that could be prepared in the time we had), one way or the other. I'm not pleased about this. It's now past when I can safely eat anything beyond air popped popcorn (which we don't have) or vanilla ice cream (which I can't have when my allergies are this active).
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I've got the laundry all washed, and one load is dry and upstairs.

I very much want to nap, but I need to be ready to leave here in less than two hours, and I don't think there's time. I also think that I'm too stressed to sleep. I'm delaying taking Ativan because I think that I will need it more for our nephew's graduation which starts seven hours from now than I do for the appointment.

I've had four cups of black tea so far today and 12 oz of Coca-Cola.

I'm trying to figure out whether or not to dress up before going to my appointment. I'm not sure I'll have time to change after. Of course, I'm also not sure I have anything even remotely dressy that fits and has short sleeves.

Also, it's kind of wet outside, and, depending on timing, I may have to take the bus home. I don't think it's currently raining, but it's threatening, and everything out there is wet from earlier rain. Our concrete front steps, which are usually grayish, are kind of brown right now.

I'm also not sure that I'll get dinner tonight. It will depend on when my appointment ends and how long it takes me to get home. I'm tired enough right now, that I'm having trouble figuring out what to eat for lunch. I've had some saltines, four almonds, and two slices of cheese.

I made two phone calls yesterday but also added more calls to my to do list. I think that one of them is going to be manageable today because I'm probably going to get voicemail. Maybe I can manage calling Medequip, too, but I'm not going to get upset with myself if I don't.

Cordelia enjoyed Greenfield Village but was annoyed by the gift shop because nothing had any sort of price tag. The only way to find out what things cost was to take them up to the register and ask, so the line was very, very long the entire time her class was shopping.
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I managed to get my laptop mostly charged last night, so I'm going to post while I can.

My recipient for the Fandom5K pinch hit never commented or gave any indication of having read the story. Now that the authors' names have been released, it looks like they must have defaulted because there isn't a Fandom5K work listed on their works page. I had been wondering because it looks as if they normally comment on gift fics. Of course, I had also wondered if I'd somehow stepped on an unstated DNW. I still don't know either way. The story hasn't been particularly popular anyway.

Cordelia is not going to the play that we expected her to go to. Her friend canceled. My suspicion is that her parents waited too long to get tickets and that the show sold out. I'm not sure what we're going to do with Cordelia this afternoon. I don't want to leave her alone for hours and hours (it's an hour to the funeral home, so that plus however long we stay plus getting home and probably plus us stopping somewhere for food or something). I'm going to see if she's willing to invite the friend she would have gone to the play with to come and visit.

I slept most of yesterday. Well, for certain values of slept. I'm not sure what else to call it. I woke relatively frequently and, each time, found I'd lost track of a significant chunk of an hour. I didn't really wake up until after dinner, and I'm not sure what did it then. I slept late this morning, too, and still kind of want to close my eyes and drowse. Maybe I should send Scott to Wendy's. A double with cheese usually wakes me up pretty thoroughly.

I'm eying another fic exchange but hesitating because the writing period overlaps entirely with NPT (and because I haven't managed to start my NPT story yet). I may just see if I can treat or offer a pinch hit. A story for the exact right prompt usually writes very fast.

I am way, way behind on answering comments. I may still get to some of them, but many are probably going to drop into the abyss of me having meant well. I apologize for that.

Cordelia's watching The Return of the King now. I'm not sure if she's actually enjoying it or if she's simply determined to finish. It's not the sort of thing she usually watches.

The mother who's trying to organize a party for the eighth grade class is frustrated because only fifteen families have responded. There are only forty kids in the class, so fifteen families is more than one third. That's actually pretty spectacular as such things go. I think she's hoping for more because some of what she wants to do is likely to be expensive. One of the places she's looking at is $100 an hour for a minimum of three hours. I favor the outdoor option-- Renting the shelter is $50 for the entire evening. But the outdoor option makes music more of a challenge (some shelters have electricity, and some don't), and she wants a photobooth. It's also likely to be hot by mid-June.

But $50 plus some for entertainment and food is doable for fifteen families. I don't think $300 plus is so much. I also think that food may be easier to deal with for the outdoor option. The indoor site has kitchen facilities, but it's not a huge space, and I don't think it would easily accommodate different families making their own food or a potluck buffet.

I like the idea of a party. These kids have been together for three years, and they're going to scatter to many different high schools. I don't think more than ten of them are going to any one school. I'm not even sure as many as ten are going to any one school.

Scott replaced one of our bedroom outlets yesterday. It had gotten dangerous, and it was one that we knew clearly how to cut power to. (What's on each circuit breaker is kind of random and really hasn't been thoroughly mapped.) I'd like to replace other old outlets in the bedroom, but those are harder to access than this one.

We had a power surge when the electricity came back on Friday that fried all of Scott's electrical lawn care equipment that was charging in the garage. He's not sure whether those are repairable or not or how much repairing them would cost relative to replacement. He specifically mentioned the leaf blower and the trimmer. I don't recall him saying anything about the mower.

I have no idea why the leaf blower would have been charging in May. We're not likely to want it until September or October.
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The nutritionist strongly recommends that I eat carbs for dinner and protein and veggies earlier in the day. She says it will make falling asleep at night easier. She's not entirely great at believing me about the effects of particular foods on my body, not when they disagree with her received wisdom.

I had three hours at the hospital between seeing the nutritionist and the beginning of my PT appointment. I ate my lunch first and then wandered around doing Ingress related things. There are places to sit scattered through the place, so I was able to rest when I needed to. I need about 300000 AP to get to the next level.

The physical therapist could see that I was exhausted, so he went easy on me and ended the appointment early. He said that, when I didn't show last Thursday, he accessed my records and saw that I'd been in the ER the day before and figured that had something to do with it.

My plan for this morning is to nap. I've got one or two things I need to do, but none of them should take more than a minute or two. I want to take a walk later if I'm up to it.

I wrote about 1800 words yesterday and am now only about 2200 words short of my word count goal for the year. I'm not sure what I want my goal to be after that, but I think having one might be useful. I didn't think that I'd manage 75000 words in a year, so I'm kind of boggled that I have.
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I slept really badly last night with reflux and gas and pain. I'm almost certain it was a post-stress thing because this is the response I'd expect from my body after the day I had yesterday. It hit hard enough, though, that I called to cancel my PT appointment. I really hope I did it correctly because it would suck big time to have to pay for the missed appointment.

I'm not even sure why I'm still up at this point. I meant to go back to sleep. At first, it was because I thought I might eat something, but everything I looked at in that direction provoked nausea.

I think that my miscalculation yesterday was to go ahead with our evening plans instead of crashing after Cordelia's appointment. I enjoyed seeing our guests, but I think I wasn't up to it. Also, one brought some mildly cheese flavored potato chips, and I likely shouldn't have had any given how things have been the last few weeks. I don't know how much those contributed to the reflux; given how things went, it's possible that they didn't have any effect on it at all. It's just that the rest of what I ate yesterday evening should have been safe.

Unless I was doomed to reflux no matter what I ate.

I have about 2/3 of my character for Scott's Firefly game. He keeps shoving paper character sheets at me and expecting me to fill them out. I finally explained very explicitly that no character sheet is important enough for me to write it by hand at this point. I'd been trying to figure out the best way to make my own version of the sheet online, but Scott tells me there actually is an online version. I'm kind of bewildered as to why he's been pushing the paper version at me for months.
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I've got my Not Prime Time assignment now. It's not something I expected to match on, but it is something I already knew I was comfortable writing rather than one of the things I looked at and thought that maybe it would be a fun stretch to try them. I'm not sorry to have matched on this, not even remotely, but I have to laugh a bit after how I worried about whether or not I could actually write some of the things I offered. I think the main hitch for this assignment is that my recipient and I have focused on different bits of canon. Nothing insurmountable.

The Tylenol they gave me in the ER helped my chest pain. That surprised me because, with most pain I get, taking Tylenol wouldn't help in the least. Of course, the bottle store brand stuff we've got is pretty much impossible for me open at this point due to my hands. I have a much easier time opening child safety lids on prescriptions than I do this stupid little pop-top thingy. Last time, I ended up spilling tablets everywhere, about a third of the bottle, because I had to use the edge of a toolbox to pry the dratted thing open.

I kind of want a nap, but Cordelia has an appointment in less than an hour, and I really can't send Scott off with her, solo, on this one. If nothing else, Scott will need time to park the car and so be late getting to the office. We'll be cutting things pretty close. He should be home around 4:00, and the appointment is downtown at 4:15.

I ordered lunch from Cottage Inn, a calzone, a milkshake, and cheesy bread (that last only because I was two cents under the minimum order for delivery). I had wanted to get a burger on my way home from the ER, but when we got there, there were two school buses in the lot and the drivethu was very backed up. Scott's sister really wanted to get home, and I didn't really want anything else I could have bought nearby, so I just asked her to take me home.

Scott's sister ended up staying with me all through the ER trip. Scott's parents had only just gotten out of bed when she called them, and Scott's father had a rehab appointment mid-morning. Scott's mother was prepared to come down after that if necessary, but we were done before it became an issue. There was a possibility that I'd be stuck there until after Cordelia got home because there was a possibility that they'd have to do a CT scan. I didn't want that if I could avoid it, so the doctor offered me a blood test to see if I had a clot anywhere in my body. He said it gives a lot of false positives and that, because of that, he doesn't usually bother with it. My having recently been on Tamoxifen made pulmonary embolism a concern.

But all the ER staff understood my desire to minimize more radiation exposure for my chest, and I think all of the signs were pointing toward me being right that the whole thing was chest wall muscles. They just needed to be sure they weren't missing something that would kill me. I didn't have a fever or a headache or nausea or coughing/sneezing. I wasn't wheezing. My blood pressure, heart rate, and oxygenation were all good. My cholesterol has never been even remotely iffy, nor have my triglycerides.

The doctor was willing to wait on ordering a chest xray until after we knew if he'd need to send me for a CT scan. The latter would show everything the former did and then some, so the only reason to do both was if we were in need of something immediately available. They do xrays within about ten minutes of them being ordered. CT scans take a good bit longer.

I do find it kind of boggling that the radiation oncology people reassure patients by telling them that the radiation levels involved are much less than those involve in an xray while the ER people kept telling me that xrays were much less than the levels involved in radiation therapy. I suspect they're both lying and that the answer is more complicated. They're used to patients panicking at the mention of radiation of any sort. I pretty much said that I was willing to do what the doctor thought was necessary but that minimizing additional exposure for my left breast was something I wanted taken into consideration.
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I started falling asleep about 2:45 yesterday afternoon. Cordelia got home about 3:10, so napping wasn't really an option. I stayed home, later, when Scott took Cordelia to PT. They picked up food on the way home because we don't have anything thawed to cook. (We still don't, but today is a better time for Scott to pick something up on his way home.)

I wrote a bit more than 2100 words yesterday. The next writing chore I need to do will involve editing and cutting, so it won't increase my word count.

I got far enough into a library book I've had for a while to know that it irritates me too much for me to finish it. At another point in time, I might finish it in spite of wanting to find the author and shake him until he admits that historical speculation doesn't actually work that way when one's writing non-fiction.

I leave soon for PT. I was going to take the bus, but it's raining, and I'm not enthusiastic about walking in the rain and then waiting at the bus stop. When I get home, I need to call to set up the A-Ride for getting to Medequip. I'll ask them how to handle getting home. I don't want to set a time for pick up given that I have no feel for how long this should take. I know they do same day rides (for more money), and I've seen mention of scheduling in advance for 'call for pick up,' but I don't know what that last means or how the price and waiting time might differ. I think the same day only costs a dollar more but has much longer wait times.

I've finished the next chapter of We Are Where We Began, but I'm not ready to post it yet because I keep looking at it and thinking that it's not quite right. Then again, I'm writing stories in that universe with the knowledge that only about half a dozen people will actually read them. They're mostly for me to have fun writing angsty, overly complicated and nasty character interactions. Worrying about the story isn't actually fun, so... Maybe I shouldn't?

But I'm thinking again about the problems I have with Zelazny's assertion that internal combustion engines don't work in Amber. Mainly, I keep wondering how that generalizes to other hydrocarbons (since I'm more willing to believe that gasoline doesn't combust than I am that the mechanical bits of the engine don't work). Doesn't that have implications for certain fundamental processes that make carbon based life (like the characters in the books and their horses and...) work at all?

Mostly, I just have to handwave that because the entire multiverse in the books breaks down once I start asking questions like that.

I talked to Scott's mother yesterday. We'll probably do the family birthday gathering over Memorial Day weekend. Mother's Day is going to be difficult, too, because Scott's sister and her family won't be available. Scott's mother would love to have us visit anyway, but I think there's something else going on that weekend. I just can't remember what. It might just be me mentally blocking off the weekend for the holiday and only thinking there's something else.

We have a school millage (sinking fund to pay for maintenance on the buildings) to vote on today. There's nothing else on our ballot, but I know that's not true in other parts of the state. I'm going to wait for Scott to get home before trying to get out to vote. It's not like there will be a line longer than about three people, no matter when I go. School millages-- any millages actually-- around here tend to do a lot better when they're not attached to a major election. I think that most of the people who'd vote against aren't strongly enough against to bother going out to vote.
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I managed 18002 words during April. That puts it second in productivity of months so far this year (February was first with over 19000 words). I'm at 64525 words for the year to date. My Camp NaNo goal was 25000, so I didn't manage that, but I think I did pretty well given how April was.

I didn't get dressed yesterday until about 8 p.m. Scott prodded me a bit about it. I don't actually see anything wrong with a single day spent that way. I was still exhausted, and I'd been feeling kind of sick all weekend.

Surprisingly, I'm better so far this morning. I didn't expect that. I had anxiety dreams, so I wouldn't have been surprised to wake with a headache.

We made a trip out to Plum Market to see what they had at their after 8:00 half price baked goods sale. We ended up with a cake, some mini muffins, and some cookies. I think we were all disappointed not to see any bread. My suspicion is that we got there too late. When they first start putting things out, there's usually a crowd, and the bread goes first. I don't think we got there until 8:15.

The last week, Ingress has been running really, really slowly a lot of the time. I can consistently get the basic map, but I can't always get the overlay that shows fields and portals and XM. Hacking a portal often takes several minutes to process, and I can't see my inventory at all. It's always a bit iffy to play when I'm riding in a car or cab that's going fast, but usually, I can see something.

Scott was complaining that I spent too much in March. I need to look at my Discover card bill, because I think he failed to realize that I paid $100 for appointments for Cordelia and bought some clothes for her. I bought some stuff on Amazon, but I'd be surprised if it was the majority of what I spent (in spite of what Scott thinks). My suspicion is that he saw a large number of small purchases and didn't look at the money involved, just assumed. Most of those were things I bought for Cordelia's birthday later this month.

He's not going to like April's bill either because a boxed set of DVDs that I wanted suddenly dropped from $83 to $48 and because I bought him a board game for $40 and a game supplement (not generally available for sale in paper these days. I spotted one for $20 and grabbed it). Our anniversary isn't until June, but those are likely his anniversary presents.

I think he's just looking ahead and realizing that four family birthdays in May, mine, Cordelia's, and both of his parents', makes for an expensive month. Our tradition is to go out for dinner for my birthday and Cordelia's and for Mother's Day. Of course, Mother's Day is likely to be unusually because Scott's parents are back from their trip. Usually, they don't come back until after Mother's Day. (I told my mother that I wouldn't tell Scott's family she's in state so that she doesn't have to figure out a polite way to refuse a Mother's Day invitation. I think her current plan is to invite my brother to join her at the brewpub in Lawton.)

June has Scott's brother's birthday, Father's Day, and our anniversary. Father's Day is generally a big family gathering with all the guys going off to play golf, Scott and his father, our brother-in-law and his father. Sometimes our nephew goes, and sometimes he doesn't. This year, it will probably depend on his work schedule.

I need to try to get to the downtown library some time this week. A hold came in about an hour after Scott picked up the other holds, and that will expire on Saturday. I suppose that, as there aren't other holds on it, I could cancel this one and then put a new hold on the item in a day or three. That just seems unfair to the library staff, you know?

Drat, I just crashed my laptop by, as far as I can tell, putting pressure on the wrong parts while changing position (I'm in the bedroom because Cordelia was watching Arrow in the living room). I'm not sure how to deal with this. When I'm using the laptop in bed, I change position pretty frequently. Basically, I moved, the screen went black, and then about five seconds later, the laptop restarted itself. I lost half a paragraph of this entry because TextEdit hadn't had time to autosave it. I was at 75% power, so it's unlikely to have been that.

Today's appointment is PT for Cordelia and is at 5:00. Scott should be home by then. I don't know if we'll both go or if I'll stay home and let him take her.
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I think the additional memory is helping my laptop run better. Messages is still broken in that it can't deal with AIM, but everything else has been much more stable and much less prone to short freezes. I've had three sites that usually give Firefox fits open in tabs for two or three days now without getting script errors. I've got ten programs running, including iTunes which usually makes all sorts of trouble.

I more or less fell over from exhaustion yesterday. I'm not looking forward to the next couple of weeks which promise to be almost as hard as the last two weeks. I made next week harder by scheduling with Medequip for Friday morning to get the c-PAP fitted/set up. I didn't have any other appointment that day, and I really, really need to do this.

My primary goal for today is to nap. I'd like to finish making up a character for Scott's Firefly game and also sign up for Not Prime Time. I think the latter won't take too long because I can mostly just copy and paste. I'm just putting it off in case someone signs up with something I know I can write but hadn't intended to offer. I'm unlikely to edit my offers after I sign up, just because that would be extra effort.

I have figured out what I need to add to my Fandom5K story to tie it up nicely (it's fine as is. This would just make it better). My hope is that this will only add one to three thousand words. Longer would be fine as long as the words come quickly. I just don't want to spend more than a day writing the scene.

The FFnet troll has sent two more messages, this time trying to tell me that my plot has holes in it. The name on the comments is different but still a guest, but the (lack of) punctuation and capitalization is the same as is the general vocabulary. My suspicion is that they're trying different attacks, trying to see if they can come up with one that will make me respond.

Scott thinks I should pat the troll on the head and tell them that the name change is really cute in the same way that a toddler hiding behind a three inch sapling and expecting not to be seen is. I fail to see why I should take that much trouble over it.

I'm kind of curious at this point as to how many other angles of attack they'll come up with. I almost need a bingo card. Wonder if I can get a blackout?
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Four more PT appointments scheduled, two for next week and two for the week after. That makes two appointments for me, two appointments for Cordelia, and the election on Tuesday to deal with. I think that I'll wait to go vote until Scott gets home. There's unlikely to be a line at any point during the day. The only thing on our ballot is the sinking fund millage for the schools, and I'm inclined to think that functional plumbing and roofs that don't leak are important things for schools to have.

The week after next will have three appointments for me and one for Cordelia plus Cordelia's class trip to Cedar Point which will require getting up extra early. Two of my appointments that week are the same day and in the same building but at least two hours apart.

I ended up taking a cab home because I was too tired to deal with staying out any longer than I absolutely had to, not even to get myself lunch out.

And the troll has sent me six or seven new comments, still all on the same story. I haven't looked at all of them, but the ones I did were complaints about YMMV aspects of the story, specifically characterization. If those had come first, I might have assumed a genuine desire for conversation or at least no ill will.

If this goes on, these comments will contain more words than the story. It's also very clear when the troll has leisure time. The last two days, there haven't been comments before I left for my appointments but were when I got home. Two more arrived shortly after I got home today, so it seems to be a two or three hour window.

I'm kind of beyond the pointing and laughing stage. This is tedious.
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Yesterday was my last OT appointment, and it was shorter than my scheduled time because we'd covered everything on my list by forty minutes in. I got advice on a couple of things that are not currently problems but were big issues when my hands were at their worst. I thought I'd ask just in case they're ever issues again.

Blue Cab seems to be doing a better job of running the A-Ride than Yellow Cab ever did. Every pick up was within five minutes of the start of the scheduled time (they set a half an hour window), and the cabbies were all friendly. The policy has changed from the drivers having no obligation to help passengers reach the cab to them being required to provide assistance from door to door if it's needed. They're not allowed to go inside, but they're not dumping mobility impaired passengers in awkward places.

Today, I have what might be my last PT appointment but also might not. I rather suspect not. My current intention is to take a cab there and the bus back. I think that I'll take the inbound #23 and transfer to the outbound #22. The stop for the #22 is about 2/3 the distance from the house as the stop for the #23 and doesn't require climbing a steep hill to get home. It'll add about half an hour to my trip, but as long as things don't change, I think I can handle that.

I had anxiety issues yesterday afternoon and evening that I couldn't explain except that maybe I felt guilty for not managing to fit in all of my PT exercises. Some of those require lying on the floor, and I didn't want to do them within an hour or so after eating and really couldn't do them while the cleaning lady was here. I probably could have fit them in after she left and before dinner, but by then, I was having reflux issues that made lying down very unappealing. I did do most of the exercises that I could do sitting or standing, though.

I woke this morning with a headache, but food and caffeine seem to have gotten rid of it. I haven't done any of my PT yet because I want to have all of my energy for going out. I'm still very tired and kind of groggy. I don't think more food will help, and I don't have time to make more tea or coffee. I know there's a coffee kiosk somewhere in Taubman (or there used to be), but I don't want to do the walking required to see if I'm remembering correctly. Plus, there's no guarantee that more caffeine would do anything but make me need many visits to the bathroom which would be pretty inconvenient during an hour long PT appointment.

The GSA at Cordelia's school is doing a reading of I Am Jazz for the 4-8th grades today. It's a picture book, so the reading shouldn't take too long. They'll have a panel discussion afterwards. Cordelia's really looking forward to it. She'll be reading the book. I'm not sure if she'll be part of the panel or not. I don't know if any of the kids are out as trans, but with forty to eighty kids in each grade and nine grades, there's pretty sure to be a kid or three somewhere in the school who is trans even if they're not out. My guess is that the reason for having only 4th through 8th is a combination of space limitations and the attention span for the panel discussion and probably also that explanations that suit five year olds aren't going to work for thirteen year olds. That last probably could be dealt with by an experienced presenter, but this is all kids ages eleven to fourteen who've never done anything of the sort before.
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The virus scan took about sixteen hours. All it found was some stuff quarantined by Norton many years back (I don’t remember when I stopped using Norton, so I can’t guess how old those were), but there were a heck of a lot of files (10001) that it wasn’t able to check at all. Avast didn’t tell me which files or why, so I have no idea what’s going on.

I know I have a number of files that are no longer readable because they were created in the early 1990s. At this point, the OS thinks that they’re all Unix executable files. But there aren’t ten thousand of them, not even if I add in the things we still haven’t managed to update from AppleWorks.

Scott suspects some level of corruption somewhere on my hard drive. Disk Utility thinks that every bit of the drive is hunky dory, but… The stupid thing isn’t functioning like it’s fine.

I’m starting to really worry about my Fandom5K story. I’ve still got time, but it’s going nowhere. I think my brain is balking at transitioning from 3000 words of gen to straight up porn. I’ll put a chapter break in, but that’s not quite enough for my sense of the two bits being part of the same story. I also probably need to change POV but don’t quite want to.

It doesn’t help that I’m extremely tired and probably going to be more and more so as the week goes on. Thursday and Friday are going to be fairly awful in terms of physical and psychological stress because I will be out of the house for several hours each day. My sleep hasn’t been great any time in the last week. The last two nights, I’ve awoken an hour before Scott’s alarm and have needed to get up then and then again when Scott’s alarm goes off. Then my alarm goes off about an hour and ten minutes later. I have to be up for fifteen minutes. At that point, I could sleep again if it were quiet enough and if my mind would settle. It just isn’t quiet until Cordelia leaves for school a bit more than an hour later.
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I think that stopping the Tamoxifen is actually changing how I feel, physically. It's only been a few days, though, so I'm not certain that it's that.

I took the bus to PT yesterday and then a cab home. My Achille's tendon was hurting pretty badly by the time I got to the front entrance to the hospital, and I just could face ten minutes of walking from the bus stop to home.

On the way to PT, I got on the wrong bus and ended up having to go to central campus to transfer to the correct bus which added about twenty minutes to my travel time. I'd allowed an hour, so I was still there in time, but it was stressful. On the up side, going the extra long way let me hit a lot more Ingress portals. I'm not even remotely convinced that was a good trade off.

The physical therapist taped my tendon. He said the tape would stay on for days, but one of the pieces was peeling by the time I got home. I had Scott trim the parts that wouldn't stick before I went to bed last night because they were sticking to everything but me. I didn't think that having it stick to the sheets would make for comfortable sleeping. I don't think that particular bit is going to last the day.

Scott got me carryout last night from Qdoba. They'll let you pick a bunch of ingredients to wrap in a tortilla. I should have thought and not put in lettuce because, of all the ingredients, that was the one that gave me problems. I just keep forgetting that it's a risky thing because romaine lettuce seems like a ridiculous thing to cause digestive upset.

I managed to reach my father for his birthday yesterday, but I still haven't talked to my grandmother or sister for theirs. Grandma's birthday was Wednesday, and my sister's was Thursday.

I haven't managed to write anything in the last few days. I must do so today and tomorrow. I need another 2000 words to make my minimum word count for Fandom5K. I'm still trying to find a transition from one section to another, and I can't seem to find a way in. I'm also trying to figure out the next step in We Are Where We Began, but I think that I need to ignore everything but the Fandom5K story just now.

I think that part of my problem is that my brain has been foggy for days now. I can't focus enough to read even the easiest book, and everything I try to watch seems... How to put it? I can't quite understand the stories, partly because I can't focus enough to follow what's going on and partly I can't manage to care.

Scott is out doing the grocery shopping. Cordelia is in the backyard working on a science project with a friend. I might lie down again and see if I can nap now since I didn't sleep as well last night as I'd hoped (mostly due to the lettuce). When Scott gets back, we'll go to the library. I expect he'll keep up his binge watch of the new MST3K. He watched four episodes last night which was at least two more than I wanted. I'd rather watch one of the two Netflix DVDs we've got or one of the two DVDs waiting for us on the hold shelf at the library. Neither of the latter can be renewed, so I can probably insist. Cordelia wants to see both of them, too, but she says she doesn't want to see them with us.
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I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now. I’ve made the OT appointments, and they’re one a week for the next three weeks (including this one). They are, sadly, at Domino Farms, so I have limited options for getting there. I’m going to try to get my act together to see if the A-Ride does go there. My neighbor says that her mother has used it to get there, but that doesn’t mean that I can. I’m not supposed to be able to use it for anything on the Plymouth Road bus route, and someone being nasty might take the fact that the nearest stop is more than a mile away as insufficient to count the place as not being on that route. Domino Farms is right off of Plymouth Road. It’s just that the bus doesn’t go out that far.

The PT appointments are at the main hospital, and I definitely can’t use the A-Ride for getting there because the Plymouth Road bus stops right outside the main entrance. Scott will be able to get me home from two of the appointments at the hospital because they’re late enough in the day that I’ll be done around when he’d get back to town anyway.

I wrote about 1000 words last night. 940 of them were on the Fandom5K story, so I’m nearly halfway to minimum word count. My current goal is to get a bus draft as quickly as I can and then polish it as much as I have time for after I post it. Bad news about the various uterine tests would likely leave me with major problems making the deadline, depending on what treatment was recommended and how soon.

My mother emailed me this morning to let me know that her cell phone has been stolen. She mainly lost phone numbers because she’d been clinging to an ancient phone that could make calls and send texts and not do anything else at all. She’s hoping she can still avoid the smartphone trap.

Scott’s sister just called, and she can’t come to the hysterosonogram appointment with me. She can, however, take me to lunch in the 3.5 hour gap between PT and that appointment. I was mostly worried about being alone at the hospital for that time. After how I melted down before last year’s mammogram, I’m trying to make sure I have someone around in the time leading up to similar tests. (Which is why I’m so hugely grateful that [personal profile] evalerie was able to be there with me yesterday.)

My gynecologist sent me a message to say that my hormone blood tests show me as perimenopausal but not yet fully menopausal.

I really, really want a nap right now, but I think it will be Saturday before I can fit one in. Instead, I’m going to cat wax a bit by looking online for plastic storage bins that might fit under my bedside table. Amazon mostly seems to sell those in batches of six, and I only want/can use one, but having some specific names might help when going to Target or Meijer or wherever nearby.

I’m kind of hoping the Med-equip is its usual efficient self and doesn’t get back to me until some time in May. I really, really don’t have time or resources to try get out there for a c-PAP fitting and all that.
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I have been exhausted and headachy all day. I lay down from about 9:30 until about 11:30, but I didn’t manage to sleep. Right now, I’m drinking a cherry coke and sitting in bed with the lights very dim and a shoulder throw electric blanket (borrowed from Cordelia) on the back of my neck and across my shoulders. The prolonged, very focused heat is helping a lot. I think that I might actually be able to sleep now, but I would like to manage to stay awake and get things done.

Scott is currently out, taking Cordelia and her best friend off for their weekly gathering of friends. The movie of the week is Ponyo.

I think Scott’s disappointed that I wasn’t awake and doing things with him all day while Cordelia was at school and probably won’t be this evening while she’s out. We almost never get time alone in the house. Of course, from my point of view, Friday is the absolute worst day for anything requiring being able to think or being able to deal with noise or bright lights or… yeah.

I’m kind of terrified that this may be a long term thing and get worse next year due to Cordelia needing to get up before Scott leaves for work. Getting up with Cordelia wouldn’t be such a big deal if it was even occasionally feasible to nap later in the day or to go to bed at 8:00 or 9:00.
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Tuesday evening, I added about 600 words to my Small Fandom Big Bang story while editing. I may end up adding more because there’s at least one bit left that I need to expand.

I had reflux issues last night when I went to bed. I’m pretty sure that they were largely anxiety related. Sadly, I didn’t twig to that until after I had taken antacids, so I had to wait to take an Ativan. Once I did, I was able to sleep, but I lost two or three hours, so I’m pretty wiped out. It also means I woke with a headache that took hours to get rid of. That took both Amerge and metapropronol (sp?).

At this point, I’m on the verge of falling asleep, and I’m not sure I can stay up long enough to get dinner. It’s only 5:30.
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Last night, Scott watched The Fellowship of the Ring while I was in the room. I looked up at one point and started yelling at the TV because Gandalf was smoking and drinking in an archive. He was also throwing those irreplaceable manuscripts around in ways guaranteed to damage them. I haven’t worked in a library for seventeen years, but apparently I still react badly to preservation threats.

I slept late this morning. It was past 11 when I dragged myself out of bed. I’d been awake, off and on, since a bit after 8:00. I was just so very, very tired (still am, actually). I can’t seem to nap, and caffeine isn’t helping, so I’m not sure what to do.

The current plan is for Scott to go and get his hair cut. After he gets back, we’ll go to the library. We don’t currently have any other plans. I probably should bake bread. We have enough left to do lunches for tomorrow but will need more after that. I want to change our sheets, but I think I will need help with the fitted sheet because my hands have been complaining a lot. I’m going to save doing more laundry until tomorrow.

I have a couple of vague ideas for possible starting points for my Fandom5K story, but I’m not sure if either will work. I guess I’ll spin out a few sentences for each and see if any of them open up the way I need them to.

I posted another chapter of We Are Where We Began yesterday. That makes eight chapters, and it’s still not done. I don’t know how it’s going to end, either, so I think the ending will probably surprise me. I also posted a smutty non-con scene with warnings out the wazoo that’s part of the House of Sulfur and Mercury set but that’s not plot relevant. It’s gotten 67 hits (a lot for the size of the fandom) but no kudos or comments. I’m not sure if that’s because it’s bad or because kinky PWP non-con in a miniscule fandom doesn’t get such responses. I have the impression that a lot of people don’t want to attach their names to feedback for such things.

I really need to spend some time updating my website. I haven’t done that since before the cancer, so I think the last thing I put up there was Yuletide 2014. I’ve written and posted fifteen stories since then. Nine of those are probably safe for posting at FFnet, but I’m even less likely to get around to doing that.

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