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I slept terribly last night. My body wouldn't relax enough for sleeping for the first few hours. I'm pretty sure that it was mostly stress over needing to go out today for an appointment. I should have taken an Ativan, but getting up to do it seemed like way too much effort.

Cordelia dragged me out of bed in a panic at midnight because she'd looked at the bus website and discovered that the bus she'd planned to take to the Traverwood library today and Thursday is detoured and won't go there. There's a chunk of the route that's completely closed, so they have a bus (the A shuttle) covering the part of the route from our place to the closed area and then a bus (the B shuttle) covering from the closed area to the other end of the route. The first bus, on its way back toward downtown, takes a longish detour out to Kroger in order to let people transfer to the bus for the other half of the route. That other half seems to go to the library, but it looks like it would take a good bit longer than the normal route.

Right now, the plan is for Cordelia to catch either the A shuttle just as it starts its detour to Kroger or the bus that normally runs up and down that road and to get off at the street that leads to the library. She'll have to cross a busy road, but there's a light there, and I don't think the walk is all that far. It is possibly farther than I could comfortably walk right now, but I can't walk all that far.

I'm glad to know about the detour because that's the bus I would normally take to get to Kroger, and I'd have absolutely panicked if I got to the point where the road is closed and didn't know what was going on. I don't like the other bus option for getting there, even though the trip is shorter, because it requires crossing five lanes of traffic and because I'm not quite sure where the stop is along there.

Cordelia went downtown to the library yesterday because she had some holds that came in late on Sunday, after we'd already been down there. She was really pleased by how easy it was to get there and is trying to get me to suggest destinations that she might enjoy.

I'm hoping that my psychiatrist (who I'll see today) will have some ideas for making the c-PAP work. All of the alternatives available to me sound pretty terrible. I think it's possible that she'll tell me to take Ativan every night for a week or two to see if I get to the point where my brain accepts that the c-PAP doesn't actually reduce my chances of surviving an emergency. I'm pretty sure that that's my basic problem, and it's not amenable to me wearing the gear while awake to get used to it because it's not the gear that's the problem-- It's my sense that, when asleep, I'm hugely vulnerable and can't afford anything that makes me less able to react. This is a problem that I've had with medications that make me mentally fuzzy.

Today's to do list )
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Waffles actually are kind of easy, at least when I'm working from a mix. The biggest hitch was the egg not wanting to mix. Scott had told me to use a spoon instead of a whisk because having lumpy batter is fine, but the egg white was kind of clumpy, so I had to go to a whisk anyway. Our waffle iron has a light that comes on when the waffle is done (my assumption is that this has to do with sensing temperature since it's the same light that comes on when the iron has preheated).

In the afternoon, after the library trip, we went to Vault of Midnight, the game and comic store downtown, and Scott got two Firefly game supplements and a cooperative game that he thinks I might enjoy.

We had dinner out for a third night in a row. This time we went to a Chinese place near the Kroger. Cordelia was unimpressed by her chicken lo mein which basically had no flavor to speak of, but we all like the chicken with mixed vegetables and shrimp with mixed vegetables that Scott and I got. The service was not stellar. I'm pretty sure that the waitress must have been inexperienced. She asked for our food order immediately after we sat down, before we'd even had time to open the menus, and kept coming back to ask at very short intervals. She never refilled our water glasses in spite of a request. After the meal, we asked for three boxes, and she brought two.

After that, we went next door to the Asian grocery and bought a lot of mochi. I also got some ginger coconut hard candies, and Cordelia got some guava sour candies and some pear juice that she's had before and really likes. Scott got a large slotted ladle which we do need. I told him that we should be shopping there for dumplings and buns and such rather than at Kroger. I'm pretty sure that the stuff there was half to two thirds the price of the same stuff at Kroger, and it's just across the street.

Scott and I watched two movies that I'd gotten from the library. Well, for certain values of watched. I'm not sure that either of us actually paid much attention to Beauty and the Beast (2017). I'm sitting at a really terrible angle to see the TV and never quite managed to get interested. Teen Titans: The Judas Contract was better and held our attention.

There's an exchange I didn't sign up for for which I'd like to write about a dozen treats, but (and this is why I didn't sign up) it has the same due date as Not Prime Time. I really don't think I'm going to write that many stories in that window. Ah, well. Maybe they'll keep the collection open for after the fact treats.

I'm considering signing up for Fic Corner, but I'm not really enthusiastic about anything that was nominated. (I didn't nominate because of computer troubles. Me nominating probably wouldn't have helped as I skew toward obscure books from the 1960s through the early 1980s.) There's one thing I'm pretty certain I could write. There are things I could probably write and am sure I own. There are things I might be able to write but am not sure I still own. There are things that might be interesting to try but that would require buying the canon (if I could find it). Many of these are books I haven't read in decades.

Today's to do list )
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I'm still dizzy off and on. It's worse when I get overheated, and it's more likely to happen when I'm sitting or lying down than when I'm walking. It doesn't seem to relate to head movement in that it can happen when I'm lying completely still or when my upper body is still and I move one of my legs. I think that a lot of sleep helped some but not entirely. Extra water is not helpful at all. I don't have any other symptoms, so I'm not dreadfully worried, but I called UHS to see if they want me to try to come in to see someone. A nurse is supposed to call me back about that.

Apparently, it's not possible for me to get a different c-PAP face mask any time in the next ninety days because of insurance limitations. I could have gotten one if I'd managed to make it to Medequip on the Monday after my sleep disorders clinic appointment (which was on a Friday) because that was the last day of the thirty day window for making changes. I'm very, very frustrated by this. Medequip insists that it doesn't matter what insurance I have because they're all exactly the same on this. I'm not sure I buy that, but... Time to email the sleep disorders clinic people.

My laptop is crashing on me from time to time. I'm pretty sure it's the battery because the precipitating event each time has been the power supply connection getting abruptly separated. I can unplug, sometimes, without a crash, but it's a crapshoot at this point. I'm making sure to save everything before I move from one room to another. We've ordered a new battery, but we opted not to pay extra to get it tomorrow. It should arrive on Monday.

My parents made it here in time for Cordelia's graduation. As it happened, they needed to pick up a couple of doors from the local lumberyard (They were looking for something very specific, and nobody else had two doors like that).

The graduation was not quite forty minutes long. It was early enough in the day that it wasn't utterly sweltering in the multi-purpose room. I still had problems, but I'm having trouble at home where it's 78F, so... Yeah. I recorded the ceremony for Scott, but I don't think I got a high quality version. We were so far back that mostly I got backs of other parents' heads, and my arms and hands shook a lot while I held the camera. Cordelia sang with three other girls, and she was one of two students to get a Phoenix Award for exemplifying the qualities the STEAM program wants to encourage, including leadership and academic excellence.

There was a short reception on the concrete patio just outside the multi-purpose room after the ceremony. There was bottled water and cookies and fruit (for some reason no one touched the half bananas which were all turning brown on the exposed bits.

My parents and I went to Cardamom, a nearby Indian restaurant, for lunch. My mother was disappointed that her medium spicy dish was too mild. In my experience, the level of spice there varies wildly. I suspect that different cooks set mild and medium at very different degrees of heat. After lunch, they helped me run an errand that required going out to Cordelia's doctor's office to get a form signed and faxed to Skyline before the end of school day tomorrow (which will be only a half day). It was just a form that says that it's okay to give her standard OTC medications if need arises. It had to have a parent signature and a doctor signature. I suppose the latter is just in case I failed to realize that Tums or cough drops might set off Cordelia's non-existent allergies or something. I found the form irritating because I was supposed to list everything that I gave permission for. I just wanted to sign something that says that, during the week she's at camp, the nurse should use their best judgment as to what she needs to take. I'm sure I can't think of all of the possibilities.

Right now, I'm trying to decide whether or not I'm up to going to the class potluck tonight. It will be out of doors (the indoor venues were about six times more expensive), and I'm not sure how well I can handle the heat even if I'm just sitting in the shade.

I have a bit of carryover from yesterday's to do list:

Return the call that came in Tuesday while I was at my appointment
Email my sister to find out if she really can get a free viola for Cordelia
See if I can figure out how to retrieve my iTunes playlists
Find a plot or something for my NPT fic

I also need to:

Shower.

The Skyline nurse is supposed to call me tomorrow morning (I reached her today while she was in the middle of things).
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According to my SIL, our nephew is beyond tired of the whole Eagle Scout thing. He's earned it, but the troop he was with when he fulfilled the requirements folded before he could get the bureaucratic parts dealt with, and he got jerked around a lot as a result. The ceremony will be in August, and he's trying to persuade his parents that that part isn't necessary or that, if it is, it can be five minutes folded into his graduation party in July.

I asked the clinician at radiation oncology about the patient portal's inability to realize that having a diagnostic mammogram scheduled means that one does not need a screening mammogram. She told me that that's the result of a deliberate administrative decision that she doesn't agree with. There is no way to disable that reminder as long as the patient's file says they're female. It has to be gotten rid of by a clinician every single year, and doing that has been made deliberately difficult because people were lying about screenings having happened or having been scheduled just to make the notice go away.

The clinician said that she's been trying to get them to make an exception for women who've had double mastectomies because some of them find that reminder actively traumatic because it reminds them of what they've lost. Many of them feel it's a message that they're no longer really women.

For me, it's just an irritating untidiness, but it's active cruelty for some people.

Today's to do list )
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I've got the laundry all washed, and one load is dry and upstairs.

I very much want to nap, but I need to be ready to leave here in less than two hours, and I don't think there's time. I also think that I'm too stressed to sleep. I'm delaying taking Ativan because I think that I will need it more for our nephew's graduation which starts seven hours from now than I do for the appointment.

I've had four cups of black tea so far today and 12 oz of Coca-Cola.

I'm trying to figure out whether or not to dress up before going to my appointment. I'm not sure I'll have time to change after. Of course, I'm also not sure I have anything even remotely dressy that fits and has short sleeves.

Also, it's kind of wet outside, and, depending on timing, I may have to take the bus home. I don't think it's currently raining, but it's threatening, and everything out there is wet from earlier rain. Our concrete front steps, which are usually grayish, are kind of brown right now.

I'm also not sure that I'll get dinner tonight. It will depend on when my appointment ends and how long it takes me to get home. I'm tired enough right now, that I'm having trouble figuring out what to eat for lunch. I've had some saltines, four almonds, and two slices of cheese.

I made two phone calls yesterday but also added more calls to my to do list. I think that one of them is going to be manageable today because I'm probably going to get voicemail. Maybe I can manage calling Medequip, too, but I'm not going to get upset with myself if I don't.

Cordelia enjoyed Greenfield Village but was annoyed by the gift shop because nothing had any sort of price tag. The only way to find out what things cost was to take them up to the register and ask, so the line was very, very long the entire time her class was shopping.
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Cordelia's officially done with physical therapy for now. She admitted to us yesterday that she hasn't been doing her exercises because she's been utterly exhausted, so I'm a bit worried about things going forward.

She made it to the GSA bowling party only about forty five minutes after it started. She said it was a lot of fun but that only four out of the six members of her school's group made it. It was a multi-school event, so there were still a lot of people there.

The eighth graders are at Greenfield Village today. That's an outdoor historical recreation(ish) space an hour or so away from here. There's a large museum there, too, but people tend to go to one or the other. My sixth grade class, back in the late 1970s, spent a day at Greenfield Village. We were all supposed to dress up in nineteenth century clothing (or as close as we could get) for a short stint in a one room schoolhouse. I had a granny dress, so I was set. Mrs Pattinson, who was a very tall, thin woman in her fifties (or possibly sixties), looked very impressive as I recall. I have no recollection of what anyone else wore. I'm pretty sure that we used slates and facsimile primers.

I have no idea what activities Cordelia and her classmates will be undertaking. I look forward to her telling me about it.

I'm going to be spending a lot of time on laundry for the next few days. I'm not at all enthusiastic about it, especially when it comes to tomorrow, but I haven't got a choice. Cordelia can help on Saturday and Sunday. Scott's ability to help depends on whether or not he has to work the weekend. It'll be five loads today (one done, one in the dryer, one in the wash, two waiting). I'm hoping that subsequent days will only require three loads as that's a lot less exhausting.

My hands are hurting a lot, so I'm wearing my heaviest splints. Those will make putting the fitted sheet on the bed a challenge, but I don't think I can do it at all without some sort of splint. Things haven't been this bad since I stopped the Tamoxifen at the beginning of April.

I'm trying to figure out which of my library books I can finish quickly. I'm done with the one book due this week that can't be renewed, and there aren't any due next week that can't be renewed. I would like to get through some of these books or, at least, to read enough of some of them to know I don't want to go further.

I have three phone calls I should make today. Sadly, the easy one is also the least urgent.
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I think some of my purchased software may just be gone because I no longer have the (email!) receipts to prove that I did purchase those programs. Mainly, that would be my copy of Scrivener which... Well, I never really figured out a way to make it work for me. There's an earlier version on the hard drive, but it's likely that I won't be able to use it without having Scott's login information. The big collection of solitaire games wasn't all that expensive, so I guess buying it again won't be terrible.

I looked a bit at data recovery options in the Ann Arbor area, but I think that those simply cost too much for our current budget. We're spending too much as it is and just had to transfer another $1500 from Cordelia's account to ours. We really shouldn't have gone out to eat for birthdays or done gifts. If anything I'd lost was life/survival critical, maybe it would be justifiable as an expense, but right now, we need to look at buying me a new laptop battery and Cordelia a new hard drive (hers is as old as mine was, and we have never managed to get Time Machine to back up her laptop. That didn't matter so much when she was six but does matter hugely now).

I haven't been able to persuade Colloquy (which I had to download again) let me access anything at all. It's very frustrating because I managed to set it up a year or three ago. I like Yuletide chat, so I'm going to persist, but it may mean changing programs again. Except that the last time I tried that, I couldn't get the other program to go there, either. I'm obviously doing something wrong, but I have no idea what.

Time Machine is trying very hard to make a first back up of this new hard drive. Judging by how slowly it's moving, the process is likely to take many hours. I think it's managed about 6 MB out of 260 MB, so far, and it's been going at least two hours.

I haven't managed to make the laptop stop announcing the time on the hour. I went into the preferences and unchecked that and then restarted. The box is still unchecked, but the laptop still announces the time every hour.

I managed laundry yesterday and washed the sheets and ran the dishwasher. Today's main to do is getting the trash out. It almost certainly won't get picked up tomorrow because of yesterday being a holiday, but today's a better time for me to get it all to the curb, so it will happen today. Also, I worry less about missing pick up if I put things out Tuesday evening even when there is a Monday holiday.

I need to corner Cordelia to take care of several chores that require her participation. Most of them should take only a minute or three. The exception is the school registration stuff because there are a bunch of things that she and I both have to sign electronically. I could just sign for her because it's all stuff we've dealt with for years now, but I think it's important that she understand the process.

I should weed my document of prompts I've set aside from various fic exchanges. It's in Gdocs, and I've got about eighty pages of prompts. Some of that is that the format of copying and pasting from an AO3 prompt is to put each tag on a new line, but some of it is simply me having copied over a lot of things I will never, ever write.
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I woke with a headache this morning. It actually started before Scott's alarm. Food and caffeine helped a little. The next step is medication and, if I can manage it, a nap.

Scott worked late last night. He said that money will cover the new power supply for my laptop. Cordelia had her last training for volunteering at the science center camps. Apparently the adults doing the training pretended to be campers so that the trainees could practice. Cordelia said, "I guess they couldn't afford real children."

Mostly, I spent a lot of time yesterday watching Murder She Wrote episodes so that I could return that DVD set to the library. I also cat waxed more than a little. I intended to try to nap, but every time I felt like maybe I could, I looked at the clock and realized that I actually couldn't. Hopefully, today, I'll manage to lie down by 9:00 or 9:30.

I have a load of laundry in the dryer right now, and it's trash day. Apart from that, I don't have anything that absolutely has to be dealt with. Maybe I'll empty the wastebaskets before I nap. That will only take about five minutes as there are four wastebaskets, none of them heavy or hard to get to.

With a little luck, I'll manage to write later today. I'm still searching for a first sentence for my NPT story. Maybe I should pick a POV character first?
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Scott meant to wrap Cordelia's birthday presents last night while she was at an orientation meeting for one of her summer volunteer things, but it completely slipped both of our minds. I guess she'll have to deal with gift bags, because I really don't want to deal with how my hands will feel if I try to do the wrapping. Last night was the last chance for Scott to do anything before her birthday while she wasn't home.

She's asked to celebrate her birthday on Saturday instead of tomorrow because of a big school project that's due Friday. She's been asking me repeatedly what part of speech certain things are, and I answer and then second guess and triple guess. Is 'most' in 'most are red' a noun or a pronoun? If it was 'most apples are red,' it would be an adjective. Is it still one when the noun is implied? Is 'that' in 'this is the thing that we decided' a conjunction or a pronoun or something else entirely?

My Fandom5K recipient hasn't given me any sort of feedback on my fic. Those went public at midnight, Eastern, Saturday/Sunday, and my recipient didn't put a comment on the AFK post in the community, so I don't know what's up there.

I finished one library book yesterday, an actual novel aimed at adults, and got about a third of the way into a second one (which can't be renewed and is due Sunday). I stopped because I hit a point where I'm pretty sure something I don't want to watch is about to happen.

I've had three zits in the last two days, so I'm wondering if my body's gearing up for a period. I don't want one and haven't had one since early October. If I get one, it resets the clock on menopause and, of course, will just generally be a PITA. I turn 50 on the 26th, so it's sort of early for full on menopause (plus my hormone levels don't support me being there quite yet), but... It would be so nice not to have to deal with that again.

My to do list for today is to shower and to get the trash and recycling out. After that, I have things to read, watch, and write. I'd kind of like to nap, too. I had an awful time getting to sleep last night because I was kind of keyed up.
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I tried to nap yesterday morning but didn't manage much in the way of actual sleep. This morning, I was able to sleep in because Cordelia spent the night at her best friend's house. Her friend's parents were willing to take on the task of getting the girls to the school in time for the 7 a.m. bus departure for Cedar Point.

Scott predicted the sleepover when he heard that Cordelia had walked over to her friend's house (with her friend). I think the walk took them about an hour because it is a fair distance, 2-3 miles. I had expected Cordelia to stay for dinner but not for a sleepover. Cordelia ended up texting me a list of things to pack for her. A few of those were really, really vague-- 'a book from my shelf that's not too heavy' for example. Scott ended up asking her about five or six different options before finding one she thought would work.

I caught the cold that Cordelia's had the last few days. Yesterday, I sneezed and had a runny nose. Today, I don't seem to be having problems, but it's hard to tell what will happen later today. I tossed and turned a lot last night due to the cold and didn't dare use the c-PAP because pushing crap into my lungs seems like a great way to make myself really sick. I don't have any options for dealing with asthma at this point, so I don't dare risk it.

My last PT appointment is today at 2:45. I don't want to go, but I will. I'll probably go a little early because some folks from the other Ingress faction took out all of the portals at the hospital. I could really use the AP for recapturing those.

My to do list for today isn't all that long:

PT
Grocery list
Shower
Start my NPT assignment
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My physical therapist says that I may need more sessions and that he thinks I'm likely to do well because I have a good attitude. He wants to get me to 50% less pain from the tendinitis because he sees that as a point at which what we're doing would clearly be working. He gave me a set of more general fitness exercises, and I'll have to figure out the best times for those. Before breakfast would be ideal from one point of view, but I don't see a way to do that unless I get up with Scott. The exercises themselves wouldn't take that long, but right now, I get up about an hour and fifteen minutes after Scott does. I can sleep in that window, but I can't if I decrease it at all.

My gynecologist is going to talk to oncology about my test results. Neither she nor I think that there's anything to worry about at present, but the endometrial thickening is something to monitor because it can hide things. It's just that it's not an uncommon thing for women my age on Tamoxifen. She said that I shouldn't consider this a factor in my decision about whether or not to go back on Tamoxifen.

On the assumption that I won't be restarting the Tamoxifen, I scheduled a uterine ultrasound for early August (not, thank goodness, a hysterosonogram this time). I need to set up a return visit with the gynecologist for after that.

I had lunch at Totoro after the appointment at UHS and then took the bus up to the hospital. I discovered that, if I walked really slowly, the tendon didn't start getting cranky nearly as fast. I had hoped to do some Ingress, and I did, but not as much as I'd expected. The Ingress servers seemed to be having problems so that, half the time, I couldn't see anything at all in terms of portals. When I could see portals, it took minutes, sometimes as long as five minutes, for a hack to process. I ended up taking about half an hour to walk the four blocks from Totoro to the bus stop.

My phone ended up with a reasonable charge at the end of the day, and I'm pretty sure that the slowness of Ingress was a factor. I had a charger with me. Of the two I found, one worked, and the other didn't. The one that didn't has Scott's company name on it and was, if I recall correctly, some sort of swag for days without accidents or something of the sort. Scott's of the opinion that it was very, very cheap and that the surprise is that it ever worked at all.

Scott put more memory in my laptop last night. That means that I'm going to spend some time this afternoon seeing whether or not it gets cranky when I try to run certain programs. Messages is still rejecting my AIM login, though, which is probably not surprising but is annoying. I suspect that this also won't help my problems with trying to access IRC with Adium (I don't like having to run Adium for AIM and Colloquy for IRC at the same time).

I ate a turkey (lunchmeat) sandwich for dinner last night around 7:00 and started having reflux issues around ten. Given the way my body was acting, I'd have thought I'd eaten bacon, a lot of bacon. I put off doing anything but eventually took an Ativan. That helped; the problem went away entirely, so I only lost about an hour of sleep instead of the three I'd have lost if I'd taken Tums and sat up waiting for things to resolve. I'm still inclined to make myself more black tea to see if that makes me more alert.

I've got two hours now before my cab comes for OT. Since it's Thursday, mostly what I'll be doing during that time is household chores. I want to run the dishwasher and make sandwiches for Scott and Cordelia and move all of the things that shouldn't be out when the cleaning lady comes. I should be home at least an hour before she comes, but I might as well do that now as later. Most of it takes very little time.

I'm very glad that the Not Prime Time moderators decided to make the requests public. I've seen a few things in fandoms that I wasn't planning to offer that I'm quite sure I could write. I can tailor my offers pretty carefully. If I understand the sign up form correctly, one need only offer one character grouping. I hadn't looked at those fandoms at all because I felt that the requests were likely to be entirely things I couldn't write due to the size of the canons in question. These groupings fit into corners that I know reasonably well and/or could review quickly. I need to settle on two more fandoms to offer and to figure out what I want to request. Once I know what I want to request, I can write my dear author letter and then sign up.
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Good news on the hysterosonogram-- No fibroids, no polyps. Things aren't quite right in ways that the doctors put down to the Tamoxifen, so they want me to have another scan (not clear if another hysterosonogram is needed or if a uterine ultrasound would be enough) in three or four months. I've got moderate sized (about 2 cm) simple ovarian cysts on both sides. If I understand correctly, because of my age and the size of the cysts, those will have to be rechecked every year unless they go away.

There's some confusion about the appointment I have scheduled for Wednesday morning. UHS's system doesn't show any such appointment ever existing, but the patient portal still shows me that I've got an appointment there at 10:50 Wednesday morning. It popped up with instructions for the appointment last night, and I still have the upcoming appointment reminder I got a few days back and the appointment scheduled message. I would rather not need to go to UHS Wednesday morning, but I also don't want to deal with a missed appointment fee or not go if the doctor has something to say.

I crashed hard yesterday at about 4:30. I don't think I slept, but I also wasn't awake. I lay in bed and didn't move much at all for about three hours until it was absolutely necessary for me to eat something and take my dinner time medications. After that, I ended up staying up until my normal bedtime.

I got a response from my email to Interlochen. They do have accessible cabins, and they supply golf carts for campers who can't manage all of the necessary walking (there's a lot of walking. Certainly more than Cordelia could manage day after day on crutches). My impression from what the contact person said is that they put in temporary ramps for whichever cabins need them, but I could be completely wrong.

Scott and I finished filling out most of the forms last night. There's one more that we need to get Cordelia's doctor to sign before we turn it in, but that one doesn't need to go in until June. I had been under the impression that it wasn't mandatory, but apparently it is. It's a permission slip for giving Cordelia specific OTC medications as needed. The form says they'll only do it twice a month without specific other forms from the doctor filled out for each occasion which seems kind of silly for something like, say, ibuprofen for menstrual cramps.

I need to do some laundry today, and the trash needs to go out. I've already done several minor chores, so I'm resting a bit. I kind of want a nap, but I think I need water more than I need sleep because I had very little water yesterday.

I have some ideas for things I can add onto my Fandom5K to make it work better. My first reader pointed out that there's a good bit of time between the deadline Saturday and the reveal, so I can edit if I come up with more text or change things or whatever. I'm very used to thinking of posting deadlines as the end. One of the changes I should make will be painful because it will involve changing POV for some events and losing a few lines that I love. I don't usually have to do the killing my darlings thing, but this time, I need to.

The OT yesterday showed me some hand flexibility exercises. She also showed me some massage techniques for my hand and then told me that I can't do them because the pressure required would be bad for the thumb on the hand doing the massage. Given that, I'm not quite sure what the point of showing me was. I've got a short list of (hopefully) not too expensive things that might help with the exercises or with tasks that I need to do.

She had a pen that she thought might be easier for me to use. Sadly, I couldn't even get it all the way to the paper. It was too long for me to hold it the way I was supposed to, and the way I need to rest my hand to deal with the tremor was an issue, too. Basically, the things I do to work around the tremor actively conflict with the things I should do for the osteoarthritis. Since I can't write at all without dealing with the tremor and can cope with the osteoarthritis long enough to, say, address an envelope, the tremor coping techniques win.

She also showed me their pain scale which doesn't even remotely match mine. For me, pain bad enough to provoke swearing is a six or a seven. Pain bad enough to want to take medication and/or to be constantly aware of it is a three. For them, swearing is a nine, and medication/awareness is a five to a six. I kind of looked at the chart and thought that it was really for people who don't normally experience pain. It basically stretches out the lower end and has no room at the top for severe pain. I've always assumed that anything that hurt enough to rate a ten would kill me because my body couldn't handle it and that a nine meant pain so bad I passed out or mentally checked out in some other way.

ETA: And the nurse from the gynecology clinic just called to say that, oh, she was wrong and I do have an appointment tomorrow. She thinks I should keep it, and I think her reasoning is sound. If nothing else, I can get clarification about what additional scans I need when and see about scheduling anything that needs doing soon. I think that I would also like the gynecologist to talk to the oncology folks. The pain issues had inclined me heavily toward not going back to the Tamoxifen, and I think this is more on that side of the scale. I'm also kind of curious as to why the radiology report said I was post-menopausal when everyone else keeps saying that I'm not there yet (all of them use 'perimenopausal' except my primary care doctor who hates the term while still acknowledging it as a stage of life. I think she considers it too medically imprecise to be useful).
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I wrote about 250 words last night, all on the Fandom5K story.

Scott apparently left a bag of groceries either at the store or in the trunk of the car yesterday. He noticed it because he was looking for the breakfast sausages he was sure he had bought. I actually asked him about it yesterday, but because of my wording, he assumed I was talking about something else. I don’t know why he’d think that sausages weren’t included when I asked why he hadn’t bought any meat, but he didn’t make the connection. We have no idea what else might have been in that bag. (Scott’s not yet dressed, so he hasn’t gone to look in the car. It’s been warm enough that anything needing freezing or refrigeration is a lost cause entirely, so there’s no hurry.)

I need to remind Scott that the bathroom sink badly needs its drain cleaned. I’ve mentioned it several times, but our cleaning lady seems to have thrown out the thing that we used to use for that, so we need to buy a new one. At this point, it takes five to ten minutes for even a relatively small amount of water to drain. This happens regularly, and it’s always hair caught in the drain.

I’ve got about half an hour left to watch of a movie due today. It’s just not something I can watch with Scott or Cordelia in the room, so I’m hoping that Scott will take his time showering because I would like to see the end before I have to take the dratted thing back. I’m also halfway through another movie that I’ve renewed several times, but I was able to renew it again, so that’s less urgent.

I’m trying to decide what I want to nominate for Not Prime Time. I’ve been watching the tag set to see how many things turn up that I actually could write. I think there are enough things at present for me to feel comfortable signing up, but I haven’t made a formal list, so I’m not absolutely sure. I made a list of things that qualify that I might consider nominating. I’m not vastly passionate about any of them, but they’re all solidly things that I enjoy. I think I need to separate out the things I would write but not request and the things I would request but couldn’t write from the things I could both write and request. But that feels like cat waxing just now.

We tried a new to us Japanese place last night, Umi Sushi. I didn’t really like my meal, but possibly if I’d ordered something else, it would have been better. I got a chicken teriyaki bento. The teriyaki sauce was gelatinous, and several items in the box turned out to be things I couldn’t safely eat. There was also a lot less in the box than I expected, based on the price. I considered sushi, but pretty much everything that I’d have been willing to eat otherwise contained cucumber which makes me quite sick, so… Not doing that.

I wanted to try their ginger ice cream, but Scott forgot that by the time we were at a point when we might have asked for it. He asked for boxes and the bill without consulting me even though I had been quite clear earlier that I wanted to try the ginger ice cream (I don’t think that me pointing to that part of the menu and saying, “Ooh! I want that!” is in any way unclear). There didn’t seem to be a way to point that out without being rude, and it left me cranky afterward.

Today's to do list )
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According to my spreadsheet, I’ve written 50000 words so far this year, almost all of it Amber fic. I had to double check the numbers because I didn’t believe it, but they add up. Huh. I’m just short of 4000 words so far in April which puts me well ahead for my CampNaNo goal of 25000 words.

I have four library DVDs this week that can’t be renewed. One, I got just for Scott, and he’s almost done with it. One is for all of us. I don’t know when we’ll watch it. The other two, nobody but me is interested in watching. I’m not sure how I’ll fit them in when Scott and Cordelia aren’t interested and are constantly here.

I had trouble sleeping after about 4:30 this morning due to temperature issues. I was uncomfortably chilled with just a sheet and uncomfortably warm the moment I added a thin blanket. During the time I did sleep, I had anxiety dreams— I dreamed about going in for the c-PAP titration and waking up after to discover that they hadn’t bothered to do any of the necessary testing/work. Then the place morphed into a library, but I was only allowed to take three books even though I wanted many more because I’d never seen any of them anywhere before. They also were double and triple shelved in no particular order, and I somehow knew that I’d never be able to come back (How on earth I was going to return whatever I did take out, I have no idea. Dream logic is not logical).

At any rate, today is going to be interesting because the sleep clinic people specifically don't want me to have caffeine or to nap. Given less than five hours of sleep... I have no idea. The only thing likely to work is eating pretty constantly which I really don't want to do.

Today’s to do list starts with a shower. Then I need to call in a prescription refill and to pack for my overnight. Once all of that is done, I must work on insurance claim forms for as long as my hands will tolerate. The amount of money involved is not trivial given how badly stretched we are. I’m at the point of trying to figure out if there’s anything I can do to bring in any money that won’t wreck me physically or emotionally and won’t jeopardize my disability status.

Oh, and we need to go to the bank to transfer money from Cordelia’s savings to our checking. It’s Social Security money and meant to pay for things like this, but… We really wanted to save something for her for later. There’s also not much left, and I worry what happens when that money runs out. We’re getting a little bit more every month but not all that much.

My reading glasses arrived a few days ago and seem to fit well enough. I haven’t used them a lot because, any time I’m interrupted, they become visually uncomfortable. I think they’ll be good for reading when I’m at home alone or otherwise able to focus entirely on what I’m trying to read. I’ll be using them for filling out the insurance forms because those have teeny print, but that means I’ll need to do them somewhere other than the living room because Scott will have the TV on. I’m not sure I can be in there and not keep glancing up at the TV.
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Scott picked up sushi from Totoro for me and Cordelia last night. Apparently, they have three or four types of California rolls. The regular and the spicy both have cucumber which makes me sick. I need the 'special California roll' which is just avocado and crab salad. I had one of those and a vegetable roll containing cooked zucchini, asparagus, and sweet potato. I think there was tempura on the zucchini.

My back is definitely still messed up, but I can sit on the couch for a while now, and getting up and sitting down is no longer horrifically painful. It was at the point before, where my body would just stop and refuse to go further.

I didn’t finish either the graphic novel due yesterday (I’m going to pay the fine. It seemed silly to ask Scott to make a trip out just to avoid a twenty five cent fine) or the DVD due today. For the graphic novel, it’s a combination of not being able to comfortably read it without my reading glasses on and it being a superhero comic. I bounce off almost all superhero comics. I think what I really want is for someone else to read this one and give me a detailed synopsis.

I wrote 2200 words yesterday. It was all on chapter nine of We Are Where We Began, so I’m a little annoyed with myself about that because I really, really need to work on my Fandom5K story. That has a due date, and I’m past the no penalty default date. I’ve got a blobby shape of a story in my head and really need to write to find the actual shape of the thing.

I spent most of yesterday in bed even though I wasn’t hurting as badly as I had been. I discovered that lying on my right side makes my back worse but that lying on my left side is relatively neutral in that regard. Sadly, lying on my left side hurts my neck more, but a low grade headache is better than the back pain.

Today, we’ve got errands to run. I need to be along for one of them, the one that will take the most time, so I think I’m stuck with all of them. Cordelia and her friends want a copy of From Up on Poppy Hill for Friday, but all of the library’s copies are checked out. One is due tomorrow, so it might come back in time. I wonder if I can persuade Cordelia to take the bus downtown to pick it up on her own? It’s spring break, so she has plenty of time.
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I think maybe my back is starting to get better. I really hope that that’s the case because this pain thing sucks.

My right hand, however, is getting worse. I had to ask Scott to help me brush my hair this morning, and there have been days when I couldn’t floss. The giant braces might help the hair brushing problem, but they also might not because they make gripping and turning things the way I need to too difficult. I mentioned maybe chopping my hair, and Scott thought it might help, but I’m not sure it would because most of the knots I wake up with are high up on my head. I think I’d have to get my head shaved to avoid them.

I also don’t want to do something as radical as chopping off my hair until I know whether or not the problem is as simple to solve as stopping the Tamoxifen. I need to talk to my doctors about that. I’m not sure if it’s something I can stop for a while to see if the pain problems get better and go back to if the pain doesn’t improve. At this point, I’m pretty certain that the Tamoxifen is not worthwhile if it’s giving me this much pain— Five years of taking it will decrease my risk of recurrence by 4%, and the oncologist said that even a year would decrease the risk a bit. I’ve been taking the stuff since December of 2015.

4% is not worth five years of pain. (The baseline risk for me is 10%.)

I need to get Scott to empty the clean dishes out of the bottom rack of the dishwasher (I did most of the top) and to put away the things that require bending. I need him to bring the clean laundry and the clean sheets upstairs. I also asked him two days ago to look for something in the basement (I have a reacher/grabber thing that will let me pick up some things without bending. I’m 90% sure it fell down the basement stairs a few months back, so it’s down there somewhere).

Today is one of the days of the year when going to downtown or campus is decidedly unwise. It’s the Hash Bash, and there will be thousands of people wandering around (and taking up the parking spaces).

Scott’s very conservative aunt just friended me on Facebook. Ah, well, if she hadn’t realized that I’m a flaming liberal, she wasn’t paying attention. And it’s not like I post much. One surprise is that one of my aunts has turned out to be a lot more liberal than I thought she was— She’s reblogging Bernie Sanders stuff. I mean 80% of what she posts is cute dog pictures and pleas for people to adopt/sponsor dogs, but there is some political stuff, all things I can get on board with.

Today’s goal is to finish and return a graphic novel that’s due today and can’t be renewed. Then I work on the Korean DVD that’s due tomorrow and can’t be renewed. Then I write. I would like to watch some things with Scott in the living room, but I still can’t sit there for more than about fifteen minutes at a time without my back feeling worse so not today.

I talked to Scott’s mother yesterday and to my step-father. My mother was in Florida through some time yesterday in order to sell her father’s house, so I didn’t actually talk to her. My step-father says she’ll only be in Michigan for a week in April. I’d been under the impression that it would be much longer than that. I guess I can’t count on seeing her. Pity she’s not up here this week. Both of them will come north some time in May, after my step-father’s semester ends.
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Yesterday and this morning, I added a round the block loop to my walk home after dropping Cordelia off at school. I’m not sure it’s wise because it makes my heel hurt ever so much more, but it feels so good to be moving around. Also, right now, the temperatures are at a point where I can walk outside without overheating horribly. It’s still strange to want to walk outside in short sleeves with no coat when it’s cold enough that I can see my breath, but apparently, that’s my life now.

I put my jacket on for about the last ten minutes of my walk and had worn it for the five minutes Cordelia and I took to get to the school, but I didn’t wear it in between. My arms got a little chilly, but, bar my face and ears, the rest of me was too warm. Well, my lungs also complained a bit. It wasn’t quite cold enough to set off my asthma, but it was cold enough for my lungs to hint that they’d be much happier if I was breathing warmer air.

Now, I’m picturing myself wearing a t-shirt and carrying my jacket while walking along with a big scarf wrapped around my face. I’d look beyond ridiculous. Especially since my scarf is longer than I am tall, twice as wide as it needs to be, and in a rainbow of pastel colors (I knit it myself about twenty years ago and kept going until I ran out of yarn).

My hands have been giving me a lot of trouble the past few days. By the time Scott got home yesterday, I needed to break out the big braces, the ones that I really can’t move much at all in. Those make my shoulders hurt because almost anything I do with my hands with them on has to come from the shoulders.

I washed two loads of laundry yesterday, dried three, and put away one. The towels are still in the dryer, and I’m not willing to try to figure out where Cordelia wants her clothes.

I baked a cake from mix. I didn’t frost it because Cordelia and I both prefer that and because Scott bought the mix but not frosting. I had told Scott to buy something in that direction if there was anything on sale, and he came home with a key lime cake mix. It’s a pale green that kind looks wrong. Cordelia has declared it disgusting but still ate all of the piece she took.

I weeded a small box worth of books from the shelves downstairs (paperbacks, St-Z). They’re all things I know I’m never going to read again, and a few of them are things I would be afraid to read again because I suspect the Suck Fairy and her kin have been to visit since the mid-1980s. I’m also pulling anything that I look at and can’t remember the plot. I must have liked those to have kept them, but I’ve got about a thousand books on my list of things I want to get from the library. I’m not going to reread those. I will likely weed more today.

Cordelia’s first PT appointment is at 4:30 today. I’m hoping that the therapist can help her be less worried about things like her knee going out if she’s not wearing a brace and rolls over in bed.

Before Cordelia gets out of school, I want to get the trash out. I’m going to wear the heavy duty braces for that and for retrieving the towels in the hope that I won’t need them in the evening.
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I’m currently trying to decide whether or not I need to arrange to have one of Cordelia’s friends come home with her after school on Thursday. I have an appointment downtown at 2:00. Cordelia gets out of school at 3:03. The appointment is scheduled to end at 2:30 but only if it starts on time. It’s unlikely to start more than fifteen minutes late, and I have a ride home, but… Getting out of there at 2:45 cuts it tighter than I like. If I’m not there and I haven’t arranged for someone else to be, Cordelia won’t be able to get her things home.

My chores for today are baking bread (bread machine) and dealing with some laundry. The ingredients are in the machine for the bread. The book of recipes had a marker at the Boston brown bread recipe, and we had the ingredients, so that’s what I made. There’s a load of laundry waiting to go downstairs and a load in the washer and one in the dryer.

I also need to deal with paying some bills and submitting claims for reimbursement to our insurance. That’s going to require a bit of searching for paperwork because I’ve been bad about keeping it all in one place. I think I need to ask Scott to buy me one of the fancy plastic folder/envelope thingies he uses for our financial records.

I’d like to spend some time looking at my books downstairs to see if any of them can go to the school’s upcoming book sale. I’m sure some can. There are a lot of things down there that I’m absolutely never going to reread. Some of those, I want to keep anyway because of the memories when I look at them or because they’re classics that I feel like I should own or non-fiction that I might want for reference at some point.

I’ve actually finished all of the CDs I got from the library yesterday. Usually, it takes me longer, but there were several I didn’t enjoy enough to listen to the whole thing. If I’m willing to leave the CD playing while I go to change over laundry or whatever, it’s a strong sign that I’m not actually enjoying what I’m listening to. It’s a balance because I’m trying a lot of different things in the hope of learning to appreciate a broader range of music. That requires persisting even with things that are not quite my thing. It’s kind of hard to tell the difference between something that I don’t like yet but might and something that I’m never, ever going to enjoy.

Ah, well. I’ve got a lot of DVDs— another lecture course, season three of Murder She Wrote, and some old movie that sounded interesting. The lecture course will run twelve hours. Murder She Wrote will likely run twice that (I’m not sure how many episodes there are, but previous seasons have had four per DVD, and there are six DVDs).
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Last night, Scott watched The Fellowship of the Ring while I was in the room. I looked up at one point and started yelling at the TV because Gandalf was smoking and drinking in an archive. He was also throwing those irreplaceable manuscripts around in ways guaranteed to damage them. I haven’t worked in a library for seventeen years, but apparently I still react badly to preservation threats.

I slept late this morning. It was past 11 when I dragged myself out of bed. I’d been awake, off and on, since a bit after 8:00. I was just so very, very tired (still am, actually). I can’t seem to nap, and caffeine isn’t helping, so I’m not sure what to do.

The current plan is for Scott to go and get his hair cut. After he gets back, we’ll go to the library. We don’t currently have any other plans. I probably should bake bread. We have enough left to do lunches for tomorrow but will need more after that. I want to change our sheets, but I think I will need help with the fitted sheet because my hands have been complaining a lot. I’m going to save doing more laundry until tomorrow.

I have a couple of vague ideas for possible starting points for my Fandom5K story, but I’m not sure if either will work. I guess I’ll spin out a few sentences for each and see if any of them open up the way I need them to.

I posted another chapter of We Are Where We Began yesterday. That makes eight chapters, and it’s still not done. I don’t know how it’s going to end, either, so I think the ending will probably surprise me. I also posted a smutty non-con scene with warnings out the wazoo that’s part of the House of Sulfur and Mercury set but that’s not plot relevant. It’s gotten 67 hits (a lot for the size of the fandom) but no kudos or comments. I’m not sure if that’s because it’s bad or because kinky PWP non-con in a miniscule fandom doesn’t get such responses. I have the impression that a lot of people don’t want to attach their names to feedback for such things.

I really need to spend some time updating my website. I haven’t done that since before the cancer, so I think the last thing I put up there was Yuletide 2014. I’ve written and posted fifteen stories since then. Nine of those are probably safe for posting at FFnet, but I’m even less likely to get around to doing that.
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There was more ice on the way to school today, but it was a little bit patchy and so not quite as dangerous. It was at least very clearly visible. It was less cold today than yesterday but still colder than I like. The difference in temperature meant that my hands didn’t get cold (though my face still got cold enough to hurt) even without gloves. The thing about not needing gloves is really, really weird, and I’m pretty sure it’s entirely due to the Tamoxifen.

Tonight, the drama club is performing their play. Cordelia plans to go because some of her friends are in the drama club. Her best friend is coming over after school, and they will walk over there together. Cordelia vetoed the idea of me going with her. I’m still going to have to go to the school to get Cordelia because she can’t really deal with her backpack with her winter coat. It slips every ten steps or so, and she has to stop to pull it back up.

I’ll have to figure out what to feed the girls. I’m not sure when they need to leave, and that will definitely be a factor.

I don’t know yet if I’ll manage to stay awake this morning. I’m not sure if I should even try. I need to do some tidying before the cleaning lady comes, and it’s easier for me to do that in small bits. I also want to clean out the fridge and take out the resulting trash. The drawback of that is that I can’t put a new bag in place without hurting myself.

I don’t have any books due this weekend that I can’t renew, but I do have several that I’ve renewed more than once. I’m going to work on those if I can find the brain power for it. I’ve got the book I’ve renewed three times sitting beside me and looking at me reproachfully. I’ve got two books that I’ve renewed twice, one that I’ve renewed once, and a short graphic novel that I haven’t yet renewed at all. Part of me thinks I should just knock out the graphic novel since it will take the least time.

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