the_rck | (no subject)

I finished writing the LTD stuff last night. I need to do some formatting and to add some phone numbers before I print it. I had Scott take a look at it, but he gave me zero comments on it, so that was less than helpful. My current plan is to try to get the whole packet to my psychiatrist either tomorrow or Friday.

Doing this paperwork has reminded me again that my calibration for pain and for things being wrong with my body is utterly and completely off by most standards. I don't consider pain to be anything but normal until it hits the level of impeding my ability to function. I don't tend to see anything as a real problem before that point. When I look at the 0-10 scale for pain, I look at the bottom and say, "But those aren't actually pain," and at the middle and top and say, "That's way, way too compressed."

I called my stepfather yesterday and left a voicemail. He called me back tonight. I was actually surprised that he returned the call. Then again, I get the impression that he's starting to realize that he's cut off from everybody but Mom. I don't know that he quite gets that Cordelia is too old now for him to really build a relationship with her. Maybe in another ten years, but high school age is a terrible time to try to start connecting across generations. Cordelia has certainly registered the fact that he didn't try before the last two to three years.

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I'm that way with pain, too. I don't have the actual picture scale in my head right now, but I'm thinking of a couple weeks back when I pulled something in my neck and could barely move as, like, a personal-three because I could still move around and go to work, after all. It's not like I've had an arm ripped off or something. (which is a terrible way of thinking of it, but I'm pretty much a 'but it could be so much worse, so I guess I'm actually fine!' person.)

My grandfather spent zero time with me as a child, almost no levels of interaction. He didn't really like children; they made him "nervous." Almost all my memories of him as a kid are of him telling us to go outside or be quiet.

Naturally, I had about zero interest in suddenly having a relationship with him when I was older.