the_rck

We didn't do a lot over the weekend. Scott played some board games online and did the grocery shopping. We were late in considering Valentine's Day food delivery options, so we ended up not doing that and just ordering bubble tea for pick up.

I'm making steady progress on my LTD paperwork. I still need to call my psychiatrist about her portion of it and about how to get the forms to her. I've been waiting because my section needs to be done before I can hand the packet over, because I wasn't sure about my ability to sign my name, and because I have no idea how we'll manage the hand off. We don't have time for mailing, not when that might take weeks, and I can't get downtown unless Scott's home.

Scott has his birthday off, the 24th, but that's kind of a tighter turn around for the doctor's part of things than I would like to demand. The paperwork has to be in, mailed or faxed, by the 2nd of March.

I think the main reason I really managed to get things done on the paperwork last night was that I took an Ativan. A lot of what I'd already written had to be tossed because it was me panicking and babbling rather than answering the questions. Not that any of it wasn't true or even relevant, just that it wasn't what they asked for. Without the Ativan, I probably would have kept flailing.

( A-Ride renewal related stuff )

The local public library closed at 6 p.m. today and will stay closed through the end of the month. Scott stopped at a branch on his way to work today to drop off the stuff we're done with. It filled two bags, so I thought that getting it out of the house was a good idea. I regret the holds, but Scott was uninterested in trying to get downtown to retrieve them.

They'll still be there in April. All due dates are being extended until 30 April, too, because they don't want anyone returning items while they're closed. I think the drop boxes will actually be locked.

We just did the 2020 census online. They sent us an ID through the USPS. The process took about 10 minutes. I am more than a little dubious about the requirement for not just race but 'origin.' They seem to be wanting ancestral countries, going by the instructions. I'm not pleased with that because, after a certain point, it's 'who the hell knows?' I can track my grandparents and about half of my great-grandparents, but I have zero idea beyond that.

And this is with my family having relatively unbroken records. My stepfather won't be able to answer with any certainty because one of his grandmothers had about seven different stories about where she immigrated from. We don't know if any of them are true (and we suspect not since she seems to have been trying to obfuscate something there). I also can't imagine that many African American families have certainty about that information.

I could also see being extremely concerned about what the government might do with that information.

My digestive system seems to have settled down which is a huge relief.

Cordelia's currently flinching any time I cough. I don't cough frequently, but she's hyper-vigilant about it right now.

She's also not sure how third trimester is going to work at her school. Everyone starts a new schedule with new teachers on Monday. Without physically going to the classrooms, most of the kids have no easy way to reach their new teachers. Her science classes are done for the year, so she won't be missing lab work. Choir is going to be an issue, but that's an all year class with only one teacher, so there's already a structure for her to communicate with the kids outside the classroom.

I don't even remember all of Cordelia's classes for third trimester. There are five, and I think I know three of them. The fourth is probably some sort of English and the fifth some sort of history/social science, but I have no idea. The school hasn't posted anything about next trimester on PowerSchool yet.

Both the campus tours we scheduled during the AAPS spring break has been officially canceled. The University of Michigan is offering a video tour, but the walking around Ann Arbor part was never the bit we wanted.

Today's mail brought the annual review paperwork for my LTD from the University. That's due at the end of the month. I guess that's what they meant by setting the termination date at the 29th of February. I very much don't want to deal with it because I feel like I've had to do it seventeen times since last February.

I will do it, of course, but I'm going to get my Chocolate Box story written first. I've got a few paragraphs of set up written for that.

Something I forgot to mention yesterday-- The bloodwork for my recent doctor's appointment showed that, after a year of me quadrupling my salt intake, my blood sodium levels haven't changed. My blood chloride levels haven't either. My blood pressure is still excellent.

I'm currently experimenting with the amount of iodized salt I consume. I think I want some of my salt to not include iodine. We have a shaker of 'popcorn salt' which isn't iodized and which is much more finely ground than the other salt we have. It dissolves better in water.

I'm having issues with my left knee. I'm not sure what I did to it. It's pain when I put weight on it, but it's not where I expect it to be. It's at the back and on the right side. I'm actually wondering if it's bursitis as it doesn't feel like tendonitis.

I talked to hopeofdawn last night, and she says she wouldn't mind me reworking our old rp stuff. I don't know that I will because it would take a lot of time that I could use for other things, but part of me wants to.

I’m sitting in the office at Cordelia’s school. There’s an informational meeting in 3.5 hours, and this was as late as Scott could drop me off. I have food for Cordelia, but she just texted to tell me she’s getting dinner with a friend. Whatever she gets that way is likely to be better than cold chicken fingers.

I got a letter from the university’s benefits office today that says that they’re transitioning me to ‘retirement status’ now that my LTD has ended. This seems weird to me. They say they’re assigning me a retirement counselor who will see whether or not I can start drawing on my retirement account . I’m pretty sure I can’t without penalties, but I’m now wondering if they’re hoping I’ll accept that money and stop pushing for the LTD. Most of what I want from the LTD is the ongoing insurance and the payments into the retirement fund, so... Even if the money part was the same, I would lose things I want.

It just seems like a verbal trick to call me retired at 52 rather than disabled.

On the plus side, being classified as retired from the university would give me access to UHS again.

The list of medical appointments for the last two years ran 9 pages. Scott is dropping off that and some insurance claims at the post office on his way to work. Scott was a bit put upon by me asking him to copy things and to address envelopes. I think it was the one thing after another part rather than that the tasks were so onerous.

My next task is to work on my UCon games. I have an idea for the space setting scenario that I think will let me get some words written for it. I have a general background for the supers game; I wrote that during a two person, last minute write-in last Saturday.

Which reminds me-- I need to send out write-in invitations for something this weekend. I wouldn't mind hosting more than one session, but it would be more fun and social all around if everyone can come at the same time.

( Writing goals )

I managed to send back that package that contained the incorrect item, and I've now got the right one. I ended up giving it to Scott early because it's a supplement for a board game he'll be running at UCon. The return process required an irate call to UPS after the driver who was supposed to pick up the package dropped the mailing label on our doormat and walked away without even climbing the steps to knock/ring the doorbell. We have a motion sensitive camera just above our mailbox, so I had video of the whole thing and was on the phone to UPS less than ten minutes after.

The camera is set so that it only reacts when a person is within about three yards of our door and is coming from directly in front of it. That means it catches most people right as they hit the foot of our steps (our walk is parallel to the sidewalk and runs from our driveway to our porch) or when they're in the middle of our front lawn. We'll very occasionally pick up bright headlights going by fast late at night, usually after something has happened to alter the settings, but we don't normally pick up people on the street or sidewalk. If we did, school drop off and pick up times would be a flood of notifications and a clogged folder of footage.

At any rate, the UPS guy came back less than an hour later and actually picked up the package this time. The woman I talked to was very unhappy that we had video evidence that he hadn't even come near the door.

( Voting )

Adjusting to Scott's new schedule is proving challenging. We're up until some time between 1:00 and 2:00 a.m. Cordelia gets up at about 5:45 a.m. Scott can only see her awake if he gets up then, so he has been. She leaves at 6:50 a.m., and he comes back to bed. I'm taking half a tablet of Halcion when we go to bed and another when Scott comes back to bed. I talked about it with my doctor before I tried it. So far, I think it's the best option for me. A half tablet seems to help me sleep for three to four hours, so that still has me waking for the day between 10:00 and 11:00 a.m. I'm spending much of each day wishing that I could sleep, though, and that's not a thing that makes the days enjoyable. I also have very little time when I'm home alone, and I miss that.

I have to return something I ordered for Scott for Christmas because they shipped me the wrong item. I'm cranky about that because I'm not convinced that they actually have the right item. It's been hard to find for a while.

Mom has received our signed letters, so she'll be going forward with things over the next few days. I'm hoping that the management company will decide that we don't need to go to court once they see that I have an attorney and that I'm not going to run out of money to pay her.

Social Security has sent me a short form to fill out as a review of my status with them. I read the instructions last night but didn't completely understand them. They're asking about the last two years but only gave three lines for me to list medical appointments I've had. I need to figure out if they only care about the most recent three (hands, persistent cough, bronchitis) or if I need to attach a supplemental list. The latter makes more sense to me, but the ways of bureaucracy are mysterious.

At least I can honestly say that I've discussed going back to work with my doctor and that she's said it's a terrible idea.

Scott is working today. He'll be off tomorrow and then will start working 2nd shift on Monday. He and I still haven't quite worked out the scheduling logistics. I know that that really needs to wait until we see how late he gets home and how long it takes him to wind down, shower, and get to bed.

I suspect that the best sleeping schedule I'm going to get out of it will be bed between 1 and 2 a.m., up at 5:45 a.m., back to bed at 7 a.m., up for the day at noon. I may need to take something at 7 a.m. in order to go back to sleep as it can take me two plus hours to fall asleep again at that point. I kept a similar schedule during the first couple of years after I stopped working, but that was before Cordelia, and I don't know if my body will cooperate now.

I'm having a friend over for a couple of hours today for a scheduled at the last minute write-in. She's going to work on her Yuletide sign up; I'm going to try to get one of my UCon games ready to go. If I manage that by the end of the weekend, I'll probably sign up for Yuletide. I'm not holding my breath that it will happen, though.

Today is, hopefully, the last day that Cordelia's friend and her brother will be on their own. We've been checking up on them, but I've worried that they wouldn't tell us if they needed something they see as small. They live close to a grocery store and have money, so things like needing fresh milk or what-have-you aren't likely to be difficult for them to deal with.

Their parents are due back around midnight tonight. They're returning from a funeral in Pakistan, and I worry about the bit where they're coming back into the US. They're both US citizens, but I don't trust the way that such things are currently handled and fear they may have trouble due to traveling while Muslim.

Is it entirely paranoid that I kind of want to have the kids here tonight, just in case their parents do run into trouble? I don't want to explain why to the kids since it all might be fine (although it may well be a thing they're worried about, so I suppose the real question is whether or not they see the potential benefit).

Maybe pizza and movies for them and Cordelia? They live across the street from a library branch and could pick out some DVDs to bring. They're also only a short bus ride from here and could manage that part of things without needing me or Scott. It's even a reasonable walk in good weather.

Scott and Cordelia are up at his parents' place to celebrate his sister's birthday. I'm on the verge of falling over, so we all three concluded that I'd be better off staying home. It's an hour's drive each way, and there wouldn't have been any good options for me to lie down there.

Scott was very stressed this morning because he likes making photo cards for family birthdays and didn't manage one for his sister. I think it became a bigger failure in his mind than it really should be. She'd have liked one, but she also knows that we're not getting many cute kid photos now that all of the local kids are high school and older.

I'm trying to get myself back on track with the various things that need to be done. The fact that I can only be on my feet for a minute or two at a time is making it harder, and I keep pushing to finish things when I shouldn't and then end up unable to do anything at all. I just have to remind myself that I'm better off stopping in the middle and then coming back than I am not being able to do anything at all later today or tomorrow.

I've got a couple of appointments this week. I think I'm going to have to rely on cabs for them because I'm unlikely to make it back home if I go out by bus.

Scott and I have talked a bit more about the 2nd shift thing. He's holding onto the idea that it's temporary and will end by mid-December. I'm concerned that this is going to be a thing that keeps getting extended for 'a few more weeks' over and over because the staffing problems on 2nd shift are chronic. They can't keep employees, partly due to the time of day and partly due to lack of training (nobody wants to run big machines when they don't know what they're doing. Go figure), and kind of desperately need people exactly like Scott in terms of experience and reliability. Scott's space on 1st shift was filled more than a year ago, and 2nd shift is about three people down from where it should be.

I need to get Scott to apply for an absentee ballot. He'll be working 6:45 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. (or 8:00 p.m.) on election day. Even if he gets out of work on time, he can't possibly make it back here before the polls close. There's only one thing on the ballot, a millage for school maintenance/repair, and those usually pass under that circumstances, but... I would not like to see those expenses pulled out of the general fund. The local schools already have issues with insufficient funds there.

It looks like pomogranates are going on the 'not even in trace amounts' list with raspberries, blueberries, and strawberries. I had some candies containing pomogranate juice twice last week and ended up with intestinal trouble both times. I'm not pleased by this.

I'm also eying the Skittles that Scott bought for Halloween and wondering if the 'natural flavors' includes anything on the above list. I may test that later this week, but I'm not enthusiastic about dealing with the repercussions.

There's a family medicine practice in the same building where Cordelia's pediatrician is. I'm going to call them this week and see if Scott and I can transfer care there once we can no longer go to UHS. I don't like the location much, but getting there is feasible if I'm up to walking a bit (the UM shuttle doesn't actually stop near the building, so there'll be a 10 minute plus walk from the nearest stop) and if I'm up to sitting in the lot by 23 to wait for the transfer between the city bus and UM shuttle. It's something like a $17 cab ride each way (UHS is $11 once I add tip).

I really don't want to try to work with a new primary care doctor. Everything is so vastly complicated, and my UHS records go back to 1985.

Okay, back to the to-do list. I've got two things that I can do without a lot of physical effort and that aren't going to make me melt down mentally. After that, everything left is either physically too much or a thing that I really can't cope with at all but that has to be done ASAP (and has been flamingly urgent for over a week).

Most of the latter has to do with the LTD thing. I keep looking at what my mother has written and feeling like I need to qualify statements. For example, it says I can't tie my shoes. I often can't, but I did it once last week. Cue me freaking out over the statement. Lather, rinse, repeat without ceasing.

My mother is also concerned that the LTD people will find my fanfic and argue that it proves that I'm capable of being 'productive' as a freelancer. I'm not sure how to address that. I have periods when I suddenly write several short things or manage a single long thing, but I also have long periods when I don't write anything at all for weeks because I can't. A big part of me being able to write those things, though, is that the expectations and pressure are low. If I don't come up with anything, nothing particularly terrible happens.

A person being able to bake cookies occasionally in no way suits them to self-supporting by making cookies.

I'm still having problems with light headedness and fatigue with occasional flickers of a tickle in my lungs. I have no idea what's going on that way.

Scott worked 12.5 hours yesterday and is currently at work. He has tomorrow off (meaning he can go to the fundraiser for Cordelia's choir). I really, really don't like how physically exhausted he is by the time he gets home, and I think that the three day run coming up later this week is going to be very bad.

Scott will also be off on Tuesday which has me wondering about my appointment with the vocational counselor. If Scott were working, I'd absolutely ask to reschedule because I don't think I'm safe to go downtown and get back home again after, but Scott's going to be around to provide transportation. Then again, I can't think very well, and I haven't been able to do much of anything the last two weeks because of being sick, so I'm not sure that actually meeting with the guy does anything but check off the 'yes, I'm still paying attention' box.

Which might be a thing that I actually need to do. I don't know. But last time we met, I was still having constant trouble breathing (day 2 of the prednisone) and he made a point of saying that rescheduling isn't a big deal.

I just keep feeling like there's something I'm going to do that will be a breakthrough that lets me think and function clearly again. Past experience suggests that I'm wrong, but I keep reacting to the fog as if it's something I'm going to recover from if I just rest. I would rather that it be so, but I think this may be the new normal.

I have discovered that using the donut pillow around my neck decreases my neck and shoulder pain considerably. It does more than anything else I've tried and more consistently. Remembering that is, however, oddly slippery because the thing is inconvenient, prone to slipping off, and not easy to clean. It's also really unpleasant when the house is at summer temperatures.

I really would like to be able to make an appointment with my primary care doctor about my hands/wrists because I think I might be having carpal-tunnel issues, but I really can't do it until the LTD stuff is resolved (even though this is likely pertinent).

I have written a little bit the last couple of days, but I'm struggling to make the words become story. I'll have a little time when things flow and when I can't imagine stopping writing, and then... it'll be gone again. Very frustrating.

( Complaints about Ingress Prime )

I survived today’s interview. I didn’t expect not to, though, and I still don’t know what will come of it, I’m still freaking out a bit. At least this guy understands table top rpgs as not easily monetized. He did, however, ask me repeatedly whether or not a doctor had told me I couldn’t drive. None have, but that’s mostly because I already didn’t. I don’t see any way that I would pass a driving test or course, given my physical issues.

This is just a fight I don’t want to need to have. My anxiety is where it was two decades ago, and I’m losing my hands in two different ways. I don’t see very well, and my hearing is a bit iffy. I have particular trouble following words if there’s a vibratory sound— a fan, a dishwasher, a lawnmower, traffic — in the background. That’s a big reason I want captions. Of course, then I’m left with the glasses issue. I can’t read tv captions with my computer glasses or my screen with my distance glasses. The bifocals only work for my screen if I use one hand to move them so that I can look through the right bit. I can’t do that and type. This is a big reason why I’m muddling along without using my glasses much. Swapping glasses is challenging because I have to find the right pair, get them out, put the other pair away, and then do it all again when I need to manage a different distance. I can fit one pair of glasses in my purse; two or more means an additional bag. My hands hate the glasses cases I have, and I have issues with zippers, snaps and buttons now.

While I was inside the library having the interview, someone on my side in Ingress went through downtown and cleared out a lot of portals without capturing them. That means I captured about 60 portals today. I need about 340 more for the badge. It will be slow going though because I’m low on gear. I’d normally need a lot of bursters for clearing and capturing that many portals. I considered trying the Harry Potter game, but it has time and accuracy components that I really can’t manage. I never tried Pokémon Go for similar reasons, and there are bits of Ingress (glyph hacking) that I avoid. I don’t want to deal with the hand tremor combined with trying to perform under pressure. The rewards aren’t sufficient to justify the anxiety.

We have three tarot decks posted on eBay. One even has a bid. The current plan is for Scott to walk Cordelia through these and then have her manage the other things. Most of what we have is tarot decks, so packing them for shipping shouldn’t be too bad.

Scott’s parents visited yesterday for more yard work. Scott’s father considers it very important that we get rid of the old screen door that’s in the garage. Maybe I can have Cordelia make the call to see if Habitat for Humanity wants it enough to pick it up.

Scott worked today. Cordelia and I had lunch at Totoro with my sister and her son who are visiting from Atlanta (but only on our side of the state today). We were going to try a new-ish bubble tea place on William since it was on the way back to where we'd parked, but the line was out the door, and none of us wanted it that much. The three of them have gone off to some trampoline place.

Scott and I went out for lunch together yesterday. Almost all of the restaurants we had considered were closed, so we ended up at Applebee's. This was our anniversary celebration, and we'd meant to go somewhere more interesting, but our options were limited.

Most of yesterday, Scott and Cordelia spent watching Stranger Things. I stayed out of the room. I did a lot of work of the LTD stuff. I think I'm halfway through it now. I've got two jobs to cover (there's a full page for every job I've ever held) then a page on my medical history, two pages on my job search/training since becoming disabled (which is just a lot of negatives and not applicables), and finally a page about my hobbies and social activities (which will also be a lot of negatives).