the_rck

( Cut for discussion of medication side effects and anxiety/depression )

Among my Amazon purchases was a 2XL sleep shirt. It came in the middle of last week and is absolutely not an 2XL by any US standard. Most 2XL are big on me; this one was too tight in the hips and bust. Amazon claimed it ran 'true to size.' I ordered bigger than normal because I find tight sleepwear unpleasant.

It's a button front, and the gaps around the buttons across my chest were two inches (I'm impressed that the buttons held). It fits Cordelia just fine, though, and she's decided that she'll take it. At first, she wasn't interested, so I was thinking I'd wear it as a weird cardigan over my short sleeved nightgowns. She's using it as a light weight bathrobe when her fluffy one is too much

I'm just glad that I waited for this to be deeply on sale.

One CD I ordered used turned out to be out of stock. I have to find the email about it so that I can put it back on my wishlist.

For another used item, I received the wrong thing. I ordered the CD/DVD set of Steve Martin and the Steepcanyon Rangers. I got a NintendoDS game (Spider-Man 3). I was deeply upset for about fifteen minutes until I ascertained that I could return it for full refund without paying shipping. Now, I'm kind of amused at the thought that whoever ordered that game opened the package to discover that they'd received bluegrass instead.

Another used CD arrived reeking of perfume. I had to hold my breath in order to be in the same room with the cardboard case. The CD itself was washable. I'll keep the case in isolation for as long as it takes, weeks or months. I wonder if it reeked of cigarettes or something beforehand. The intensity of the scent implies deliberate application rather than environmental contamination.

We didn't do a lot over the weekend. Scott played some board games online and did the grocery shopping. We were late in considering Valentine's Day food delivery options, so we ended up not doing that and just ordering bubble tea for pick up.

I'm making steady progress on my LTD paperwork. I still need to call my psychiatrist about her portion of it and about how to get the forms to her. I've been waiting because my section needs to be done before I can hand the packet over, because I wasn't sure about my ability to sign my name, and because I have no idea how we'll manage the hand off. We don't have time for mailing, not when that might take weeks, and I can't get downtown unless Scott's home.

Scott has his birthday off, the 24th, but that's kind of a tighter turn around for the doctor's part of things than I would like to demand. The paperwork has to be in, mailed or faxed, by the 2nd of March.

I think the main reason I really managed to get things done on the paperwork last night was that I took an Ativan. A lot of what I'd already written had to be tossed because it was me panicking and babbling rather than answering the questions. Not that any of it wasn't true or even relevant, just that it wasn't what they asked for. Without the Ativan, I probably would have kept flailing.

( A-Ride renewal related stuff )

So it's been a while since I last posted. I don't have any good reasons for that. Mostly it's that my attention span is kind of shot. I've half-written a lot of posts and then forgotten to finish or to post.

I've done a fair amount of writing, mostly things either as yet unrevealed or still in the anonymous period. I've got one story to finish by the end of the month and another due in the first week of December. Yuletide will be due not long after that, and while I have a solid idea, I haven't started writing yet.

I would like to write and post more than that by the end of the year, but I don't know that it will happen.

I'm still trying to figure out the right sleep/wake schedule for me so that I don't interfere with Cordelia's classes and choir rehearsals and so that I actually eat more than dried fruit, cheese, and almonds. The only good place for Cordelia to work is the dining room table, and me being in the kitchen is sometimes a problem for her since they're effectively the same room.

My hands, particularly the right hand, have been worse. My left knee has some weird thing going on, too, but that's only an issue if I kneel or otherwise put pressure around the kneecap. Then it feels a lot like a really deep rug-burn on top of a not quite healed burn.

Two weeks ago, we spent a day in the ER because I had bad vertigo. The triage nurse I talked to wanted me checked for a stroke. Nine hours later, they sent me home with instructions to keep doing the Epley maneuver and a warning that that might make things seem worse for a while but was still necessary.

I'm still having issues any time I tilt my head forward or back or to either side. Rolling over in bed is an issue, but at least there's no risk that will make me drop anything or fall.

My sister spent a lot of time telling me that it must be POTS. I pointed out that inner ear issues make more sense for the current acute symptoms.

She also maintains that I don't have anxiety. I just have physiological issues with my body being hair-trigger about adrenaline and such. In her opinion, that's not anxiety because it's not disordered thinking or PTSD. I told her that I don't see a functional difference between my body triggering my brain to panic and my brain triggering my body to panic. The external symptoms are the same. The situations that cause issues are the same.

I can't get useful treatment on either side, and I rather think that anxiety is more like headache or gas or nausea. It's a symptom that can be caused by many things and that can cause other problems. My sister thinks that 'anxiety' is like the flu or a broken bone, a condition with definite boundaries and meaning. It's not.

My sister's trying to say that I'm not mentally ill in a way that comes across to me as a judgment about physical illness being more acceptable. I'm pretty sure that she doesn't even realize that she's doing it. Her physiological explanation fits my symptoms, but that doesn't mean that I don't have anxiety.

I don't think she understood why I was angry with her about it. Why I'm still angry about it.

I've taken a couple of long walks in the last couple of months and a couple of shorter ones. I don't know that I'll be going out much in the next few months because I'm feeling the cold much more this year than in the last few years. This is about how I always used to feel normally in the winter, so I'm assuming that my body's settling toward full menopause. It's a little annoying to have the perimenopause overheating stop in October/November rather than, say, March or April or any time in the summer.

Cordelia has been accepted at all three schools to which she applied. At this point, we're waiting to find out about financial aid offers and about what her best friend plans to do. Her best friend is waiting to hear from the University of Michigan; if she goes there, Cordelia may choose to go to Eastern (which will, I suspect, offer the best aid package). If the friend doesn't get into U of M, they may both go to Michigan State since they've both been accepted there.

From Cordelia's point of view, the three schools she's looking at are about equal. She's interested in teaching or possibly being a school counselor or other educational support type. She's not clear on what all of the options are, and she needs a chance to explore the different options for it. Eastern, Western, and State all have decent education programs.

UCon was last weekend and entirely online. Scott was busy throughout. He ran several games, played in others, and did some ops shifts. I ran a game on Saturday that went well. The game I'd offered on Friday got no players, so I'll offer it again next year. I didn't play anything because I was fairly sure that I'd find figuring it all out too stressful to be fun.

I can't handle too many new things all at once, and I gave priority to being able to run events because I enjoy that more and have less opportunity to do it.

Scott's sister is putting heavy pressure on us to do an in person Thanksgiving. She says they'll do it 'however you need in order to be comfortable' but isn't accepting 'Zoom call' as our answer. We're not bending on this, though.

Scott's father helped him build a ramp off of the back porch. The steps that were back there had started crumbling from the inside and were prone to breaking under anyone who put weight in the wrong place. Scott thinks that a ramp will be easier for me, long term, and easier to keep ice-free once we have snow.

The library has closed again. I'm not sure how long it will be closed this time. Right now, they're saying at least until November 30th, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's longer. I have several books that I haven't touched, and having more time is a relief (especially in light of writing deadlines), but there are several holds waiting for me that I had been really looking forward to reading. Getting those via Overdrive will take at least two months and, in some cases, longer.

Scott and Cordelia have gone to a family gathering. I pleaded a headache which I do have, but I also really didn't want to try to squeeze myself into a narrow plastic chair in order to sit outside for 2-3 hours in the heat. Scott's sister and mother plan to cook a shared meal and were not really happy with me when I said I wasn't comfortable with that. Scott and I discussed it and agreed that he and Cordelia would take their own food. Then he forgot to make anything and ran out of time.

I wish I knew if he genuinely forgot or if he 'forgot.' It's probably safer for them to share the meal than it is for Scott to go to work every day or to do the shopping, but we have no way to avoid either of those things. This, we could. Without them bringing their own food, they're going to be pressured heavily to eat, and they're going to be hungry enough to be angry at me for insisting.

Scott had yesterday off, and he has a vacation day on Monday. Yesterday, we watched Hamilton on Disney+. We also watched a couple of Netflix DVDs (Killjoys and Knives Out).

Cordelia will have three friends over this evening for socially distanced 'smore making. Two of the three friends are likely to be responsible about it. The third is more of a wild card that way as she's an extrovert who's been getting increasingly desperate for interaction over the last four months. I'm not fully onboard with the shared food, but I trust Cordelia more than I trust Scott's mother or sister.

I spent yesterday afternoon and evening largely unable to use my hands due to burning and numbness on the backs of my hands and a bit up my arms. A cold pack helped a bit, but getting things to calm down took naproxen and prolonged soaking in the coldest water I could get (we don't have ice. We don't have freezer space for ice). My hands weren't abnormally warm to the touch, and they didn't get red or swell. Whatever I felt wasn't showing on the outside.

Typing seems to make the issue worse as does wearing my thumb splints. I strongly suspect that the thumb splints are the underlying problem because I've had issues (not this bad) before that always cleared up after a few days of not wearing them. Unfortunately, not wearing the splints means that my hands hurt in a different way and are more vulnerable to surprise!spikes of agony when I misjudge what I can do. The splints don't prevent all of the movements that cause problems, but they stop at least half of them.

My past experience with splints and braces has always involved them causing new problems even as they help with whatever the old issue was. It's always been a balancing act between protecting things that need to heal and not giving myself new injuries that will need protection and healing and cause other injuries in turn. My hands, however, aren't going to heal. This is osteoarthritis rather than tendinitis or anything else that can be helped by rest.

Naproxen isn't a long term tool for me, either. My body handles it better than it does most other NSAIDs, but I can't take it more than 2-3 times in a week. That means that I'm continually trying to guess whether I'll need it more in a day or two than I do now (which includes factoring in what things I know I have to be able to do). I'd like to take it today, but I took it yesterday, and I'm not sure what the next few days will look like.

Today, I need to:

Finish making the grocery list.
Strip the bed.
Wash the sheets.
Wash two other loads of laundry.
Feed myself.
Cook sweet potatoes.

I have already got the dishwasher running. I'm going to try to do things in pieces with hand/wrist soaking in between.

It's been a long month. I suspect that July will feel longer still.

( Cut for length )

I think I need to do some serious bedroom cleaning today. That's going to include raising a lot of dust, so I'm going to try using a scarf to keep from inhaling too much of it. I'm not sure I can get very far before I'm too exhausted to go on, but maybe, if I start now and do a few minutes every hour, I can make progress.

Yesterday, I swept part of the living room and part of the kitchen. I thought it would be easy, but it turned out not to be. I couldn't grip the shaft of the broom without hurting my hands. Every time I moved the bristles across the floor, the shaft pressed into the tender parts of both hands and made the unstable bone in the palm of my hand shift.

I need the living room floor clean because I have to lie on it in order to do my PT. Cordelia is supposed to sweep, but she keeps forgetting. Any time I remind her, she's in the middle of something that can't be interrupted. I've made a list of chores that I plan to give her.

Scott's work is having everyone wear disposable masks. They've also removed half of the seats in cafeteria to enforce social distancing. Employees now go in through one door and out another on the other side of the plant so that the changing shifts don't run into each other.

I've been feeling down the last couple of days. I think part of it Scott going back to work. Part of it is that Cordelia is generally terrified. She seems more worried about me than about Scott. I think it's because she's been worried about me dying for the last five years, ever since the breast cancer. I'm getting a lot of cuddling out of it, so there's that.

My best luck in terms of not wallowing is chatting with people while I'm either listening to a story or watching something. Watching Fantasia didn't work, but watching Miraculous Ladybug worked.

Making the pot pie last week made my hands hurt enough that I'm still having major trouble with them. I don't think it's a thing I can do again, not that way at any rate, which is a pity because Cordelia has specifically asked for a repeat.

I managed to kill the sinus trouble yesterday. As usual, it required dehydration. Mid-afternoon, I started coughing and having asthma issues. Coffee helped, so did changing my posture. Oddly, sitting completely upright is worse than hunching over or lying down flat. My lungs feel fine; it's just a feeling of itchiness in my larynx.

Sleep was challenging because the cpap was irritating my throat. I dipped in and out of sleep through most of the night. Weirdly, putting light pressure on my eyes (the weight of a wadded blanket under my hand) completely suppressed the urge to cough. I just had to remain aware enough to keep my eyes covered.

I don't have any other symptoms, so I don't think I'm actually sick, but I can still feel a little tightness and itchiness in my throat, all very focused in one spot. My suspicion is that it's mostly stress.

Scott's employer has given everyone letters stating that they're essential workers. Scott is to show that to anyone who questions why he's out. He noticed, on his way home last night, that there were a lot of extra police cars out, so he's expecting that he'll need it.

I'm hoping to get back to writing today. I've got an exchange story to work on. Getting that done soon seems like a good idea even though it's not due for a few weeks.

I saw a doctor at UHS on Tuesday. I have referrals for PT for my wrist and my knee. This doctor actually put the words 'generalized joint hypermobility' under the diagnoses and promised to talk to my pcp about the ways in which that problem requires a different approach than what everyone's been taking so far. He did say that it's kind of too late to help me much because my joints have 50+ years of damage.

He recommended trying to find someone outside of the UM system who does more generalized physical therapy and who has experience with hypermobility. He said that I'm not going to find anyone in the UM system who isn't specialized in some small portion of the human body because most PT is aimed at limited issues rather than full body ones.

I haven't tried to schedule PT or to track down other options yet. I couldn't deal with that while I was trying to deal with the LTD paperwork. I still haven't gotten that to my psychiatrist. I've done my part, so it's a matter of getting downtown to her office to pass it along.

There's been a good portion of the last week when I simply couldn't deal with anything but reading fic. I've got two library books that are due tomorrow and that I'd very much like to return. I've got Overdrive books that will expire soon, and I've done nothing with them this week.

At any rate, I'm not reading here reliably. I'm not reading Discord reliably. I'm not planning to sign up for any exchanges for a while. I don't think I'll be able to cope with that sort of commitment until I know what's happening with this year's LTD review. If I have to spend the next ten months fighting again, I'd rather be able to put my energy into that. I want very much to write, but my brain isn't cooperating.

Scott and I both have colds. He thinks we caught it from our nephew at Thanksgiving. I'm not sure because our nephew didn't come near either of us. Also, he's 20 and much better at not getting germs everywhere than he was when he was 3.

I ended up not sleeping at all last night, partly because of not feeling well, partly because of feeling too warm, and partly from stress. Scott and I had appointments Monday and Wednesday, the former at Cordelia's school to meet with the counselor who specializes in college applications/financial aid/career counseling, the latter with Scott's psychotherapist. This is the second time I've gone to one of Scott's appointments, and I'll have more to say on that later.

Thursday is the FAFSA information night at Cordelia's school. Cordelia will be at school until 9 p.m., and I'd rather not risk waiting for the January date at an easier to reach school. That one might well end up a casualty of bad weather, too. I can be fairly sure that tomorrow's won't be. I'll head out there very early (possibly having Scott drop me off before he leaves for work) and take food for Cordelia. There's no prospect for her to eat during the 3 p.m. to 9 p.m. rehearsal tomorrow unless I do that or she carries her own food in.

Friday, Cordelia has another concert. There are three choir concerts this month, on top of the one last week. They're also going caroling the Friday before break. The schedule is kind of overwhelming. The rest of December looks like it might be just as bad.

Scott's therapist really wants us to do some sort of family therapy. He can't get Cordelia there because of the conflicts between her schedule and Scott's, but he wants me there every week. The two sessions we've had have underlined my issues in dealing with therapists-- If they're skilled at handling people, I read them as gaslighting me. If they're not, they generally assert things that make me disregard all further words coming out of their mouths, things like 'Being a panentheist is responsible for your anxiety. It's not a valid view of the universe' or 'Anxiety and depression are the same thing. If you say you're anxious rather than depressed, you're wrong. Call it depression.'

On the gaslighting side, I suspect that that comes mostly from the many years I spent having my mother and stepfather telling me that I was making up physical symptoms in order to get attention. There were other, more specific instances, but that bit permeated my childhood and adolescence.

It's not helped by the BS that my father tended to spout on other topics, but his BS tends to fall into the 'disregard all further words' category. I don't so much think he's gaslighting me as that he's constantly doing it to himself and attempting to do it to the world around him.

My father and my stepfather both used to be therapists and still have the mannerisms.

But, also, a guy I've met twice telling me that cognitive behavioral therapy not working for me must mean that none of the times I've tried it involved doing it right. I've tried it more than once and with different therapists over the last 30 years. At this point, I feel that him pushing it on me is rather like him trying to convince me that eggs don't give me migraines. The experience of testing that is so unpleasant that I'm not willing to go there again.