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Stuff about Scott and possible depression )

The furnace repair we had scheduled for today has been put off due to the technician being out sick. I'm trying to decide what to do with my morning now. I've made one phone call and am waiting for it to be returned. I need to make one more phone call and have two others that I should make but that aren't nearly as urgent.

I'm also really, really tired, and I want to take a walk, and I want to write.

I think I need to make that other call and then lie down.
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Scott will have less than twenty four hours off to change his schedule so that he can go from working third shift to working first shift. They told him that the only other option was to give him zero time between shifts (third shift starts at 11 p.m. and is, for bookkeeping purposes, considered entirely part of the day that it started, so it wouldn't technically be a mandatory double shift). All employees are working either Saturday or Sunday this weekend.

I was going to try to go to north campus this morning, but it's raining. I really don't feel like walking around in the rain today. I do need to go downtown to buy bus tokens for Cordelia. There's no rush on it because she has a pass right now that's good for another couple of weeks. We bought it when we thought she'd be at Community and would be using it at least ten times a week. Now... three or four times a week. Tokens are cheaper at that level of usage because they don't expire.

It used to be that you had to go to the main business office for the bus company in order to get the half price tokens, but according to the company website, the half price tokens are available at Blake now. At least, the listing for Blake says 'Tokens' while other places say 'Full fare tokens'. I'm assuming that that means Blake has all types of tokens now. It never made much sense to me to have the half price tokens only at the headquarters. They're good for people who're K-12 or receiving Medicare/Medicaid or in their mid-60s.

If I go down there later today, I can pick up my interlibrary loan copy of Prince of Tennis 30, read it immediately, send it back, and request v.31. We lose MelCat requesting access on Monday the 2nd. The library's holdings for PoT pick up again with v.34. Part of me wants to request All The Things via ILL right now because I won't be able to get anything for months, but I also don't think that's a great idea. I should get the books at points when I'm sure I'll have time to read them. If I could get multiple volumes of a given manga series at once I would (the system chokes on such requests and insists that they're duplicates of requests I currently have in process).

I'm leaning strongly toward not signing up for Yuletide. I very much want to, but I don't think I have better than a 50% chance of being able to write a complete story (and the actual chance is probably lower). I'll just save off some possibilities for treats and write those if I end up having time and inspiration. If all goes well with Cordelia's recovery, next year will be better for this sort of thing.

Or I could work on one of the many, many prompts I've got squirreled away in various places... I think I need to weed those down to prompts that are very specifically things I want to write or that are from people I know. That is, if I look at the request and think, "Writing that fandom would be fun, but I don't have any ideas based on this," I shouldn't keep the prompt. If I've got fewer than 300 prompts saved right now, I'll be astonished, and that's with weeding.

I've been applying heat to my elbow. It helps more than the cold packs do, and it only takes 50 seconds in the microwave to refresh the rice pack as opposed to 4-6 hours in the freezer for the gel packs.

I'm trying to come up with ideas for things I could do to reward myself for achieving goals. I just... I'm drawing a complete blank. I don't want to buy books, music, etc. I'm trying to limit sweets. I don't collect anything and don't want to start. There isn't anything that I really want to do. I enjoy an occasional lunch out, but... I really can't use that because going out for lunch is really, really, really difficult unless I'm already out of the house for something necessary and quite near somewhere to get food or have some other adult with me. Lunch out once a week is also more money than I want to put into this (I'd like to stay under $5 a week).

In days gone by, CDs or books (saved for gradually) or a treat like baklava or a candy bar would have been easy go-tos, but they just aren't now. And the agoraphobia and physical limitations eliminate a lot of other things. There aren't any shows streaming that would make reasonable rewards, either. First, I'm pretty picky, and second, I completely forget to follow even things that I enjoy. Even without considering the agoraphobia, I can't handle movies in the theater. Plays and concerts hit the agoraphobia big time. Even with Ativan, I end up spending my time focused on escape plans.

I don't think Scott and Cordelia actually understand how much me being on my phone, playing Ingress, is a shield against panic when we're out of the house. It gives me something completely mindless to do.
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Tonight is going to be dedicated to filling out forms for an appointment Cordelia has tomorrow. Some of the answers required will be long, and I'm thinking to ask Scott if he can get her out of the house for a while so that I can work on it . I lost the morning and early afternoon today to an appointment of my own, so she'll be home in slightly less than ten minutes. Tomorrow is a half day at school, so I won't have child-free time then to finish.

Cordelia seems happy at Skyline and not regretting giving up on Community at all.

I'm inching closer to level 11 in Ingress. I think I might be closer to that than Scott is to level 10. My current guardian portal is at 127 days, and I have two other potential guardian portals that I've been maintaining for a while. Sadly for Scott, I accidentally deleted the only key for the one I'd been recharging for him for the last forty plus days. (I think I'd feel worse about that except that he didn't care enough to try to maintain it himself.)

I spent a little time this morning looking at the Yuletide tag set. Finding things to request is always harder than finding things to offer. I wonder if it would be a terrible breach of etiquette to request something as a gift for someone else?

We went out last night to get Cordelia fitted for a rental dress for choir concerts. That was $25, payable to the choir program at her school. Then we shelled out $30 for shoes to go with the dress. I'd have felt better about that if they had samples in different sizes so that we knew what we were getting that way. Also, girl-identifying folks aren't supposed to wear flats. Guy-identifying folks can. Then we paid $15 for a t-shirt.

For some reason, going out there really smacked me hard physically. I'm not sure why. It was very, very hot outside, but Skyline is air conditioned and was no warmer than our house. I got cranky and ran out of ability to stand (I can still walk when that happens. I just can't stand in one spot without falling over). I had my left arm in a sling because I finally got the discharge instructions from my doctor's appointment back in August. I'm apparently not suppose to use that arm and hand for anything at all. I don't know that I can manage that, though.

The choir also requires that each child's family provide a volunteer on at least three occasions. The thing was that they couldn't tell me exactly what they'd expect me to do on those occasions or exactly what times I'd need to be there or really anything but the title of the event and the date. They probably had about twenty different events needing volunteers. I was near melting down, and Cordelia was horribly embarrassed by me.

I think that some part of this was that this was something for which I'd normally have taken Ativan, but it was too close in time to when I needed to take Halcion in order to sleep. I was also worried that we wouldn't get home in time for me to eat (we did, but I no longer had energy to prepare myself food, and Scott has apparently decided that he will only make me food if I ask specifically and tell him what to make).
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We only ended up with one guest last night. Cordelia stayed in her room, and Scott, [livejournal.com profile] cherydactyl, and I watched Wonder Woman which they'd both seen but I hadn't. I enjoyed it overall, but I failed to connect with it emotionally. This is a common problem for me with action focused movies, especially superhero movies. I get distracted and just don't see what other people see.

Scott is showering right now. When he's done and dressed, we'll head for Cordelia's school to meet with a counselor. Hopefully, that will go well and not take too long. I just hope they've fixed the elevator. I don't want to climb to the fourth floor.

I slept badly last night because of anxiety. I was sufficiently wound up that the amount of Halcion that would normally let me fall asleep and stay asleep simply didn't. I didn't feel even vaguely sleepy. It was that I wasn't tired as much as it was that I had enough in the way of adrenaline and such going on to be quite awake. I'm not sure that Ativan would have done better for me, but maybe it would have.

Cordelia's dental appointment went okay. The dentist left us sitting for longish stretches off and on because they'd fit us in when they were already full up. She did an x-ray and didn't see hidden decay. She said that Cordelia's wisdom teeth aren't pushing on anything or positioned in a way that she'd expect to cause pain. The joint of the jaw seems to be fine. So we don't know the underlying cause of the problem. She suggested a cheap night time mouth guard in order to see if a guard would help at all (and in order to avoid paying $500 for something that, at her age, might not fit next year).

From the dentist, we went and got bubble tea for me and Cordelia. They've changed their menu display and options, so I had to spend a little while figuring out if they still had what I wanted.

After that, we went to Target and got Wonder Woman and the mouth guard. We stopped at Plum Market to pick up dinner at their buffet (you pay by weight). I gambled on a couple of things that looked (and were) tasty but that I probably shouldn't have touched because of spice levels.

My Captive Audience recipient has gotten back to me. I was right in suspecting that things had gotten lost.
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Getting to Skyline yesterday was stressful, and getting home was worse. The bus company website doesn't actually provide accurate information about the bus line that runs out there-- The schedule I could access on my phone claimed two buses around when school starts and three around when it ends with nothing in between. I knew it was a lie, but I couldn't get the site to cough up anything else. The first bus to come by as I waited was going to go out of service at the next stop, so I had to wait another half an hour for a bus to come.

What I really wanted to do was to find somewhere to get coffee and food and to sit for a while before I dealt with the bus, but there is absolutely nothing out by Skyline. Zilch. To walk anywhere useful, I'd have to cross three traffic circles, two of them connected to highway entrances/exits, and none of them having any design considerations for possible pedestrians. By the time I was actually on the bus, the idea of getting off again was horrific. I didn't do it until I had to transfer downtown.

It wasn't quite 10:30 when I got downtown, and I didn't feel like I could walk to try to find somewhere to sit and try to calm myself, so I just walked down the block to where the bus I needed would come.

I left both my water bottle and Cordelia's somewhere along the way. I only realized that I didn't have them when I was gathering my things to get off the bus at the stop by our house. They might be at the Skyline bus stop. They might be on the bus I took into town. They might be at the transit center. I couldn't deal with calling to try to find them, so they're gone. Scott bought me a replacement that I need to wash before I start using.

I can't tell how much of how bad going back and forth to Skyline was yesterday was due to it coming at the end of a horrible, horrible week and how much was the trip being intrinsically difficult for me. It's probably a bit of both.

I got pretty angry at Scott yesterday (and a few times earlier in the week) because he wasn't bothering to give me any encouraging words or anything. He gave Cordelia a lot, and he was having an awful week, too, but it would have been nice to get a comment indicating that he had my back on anything at all. I don't think he realizes how much he left me flapping in the wind all week. If I asked for something very specific, he'd do it, but there wasn't anything at all that I didn't ask for. Not even a "I know this is hard for you, but you can do it."

I think Scott also doesn't realize that Cordelia going to Community gave me a brief feeling of intense relief that I wouldn't have to deal with a huge, huge problem that I've seen coming for literally years-- The problem of me getting her from school for appointments and then back to school after. Nothing about the trips I've made to Skyline has made the problem seem less severe or more easily addressed. I really am thinking that Scott going to third shift may be the only sustainable solution, but if he does that, him ever getting back to first shift is unlikely.

I suppose the first thing I have to do is to find out whether or not I can get Skyline to let Cordelia sign herself out for documented appointments and then back in again after. That would make things actually manageable and could be argued as an accommodation for my disability every bit as much as letting me use the elevator when I visit the building.

I'm really, really hoping that next week I can start doing something other than putting out immediate fires. I don't think writing is going to happen while Cordelia's home because she tends to turn up and sit next to me for twenty to thirty minutes at a time and express disapproval over me using my laptop at all. She also reads what's on my screen.

Today's main goal is to read some library books so I can return them tomorrow. I've got more than I like just sitting on my shelf unopened. Also, the interlibrary loan stuff needs getting through quickly. The system won't let me request multiple volumes of the same manga title at once because it considers them all the same book in spite of the numbering difference. This means that from October 1st until maybe April next year, I won't be able to move forward on Natsume's Book of Friends, Case Closed (Detective Conan), or Prince of Tennis. That last is particularly frustrating because the library is missing 29-32 and 36. It has 33-35 and 37-40 (are there volumes out beyond 40? I don't know. I haven't looked yet). I have v.29 waiting for me to pick it up. If I read it fast and return it immediately, I might be able to get v.30 by the end of the month. I just don't see managing four volumes in that time because of the time it takes to get ILL books.

I also have a movie that's due tomorrow and can't be renewed. I can probably either finish it today or reach a point in it where I'm sure I don't care about finishing.

Cordelia has a birthday party to go to later this afternoon. They're going to a Tigers game as part of it. They did the same last year for this girl's birthday. My guess is that they'll have fun again and that it will be rather more about being there as a group of friends than about the game.
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I took 1 mg of Lunesta last night and, within about fifteen minutes, actually felt more awake than I had been before I took it. I slept about the way I'd have expected to if I hadn't taken anything at all. I think it took about an hour after I took the medication for me to fall asleep, and I was up a couple of times during the night to use the bathroom. I also roused frequently in order to shift position (this is normal for me). I don't know if it's that the dosage is insufficient or if Lunesta simply isn't going to help. I really wish that I'd been able to try it sooner so that I could have talked to my doctor before Monday night which will be a make or break thing.

Scott, knowing Murphy's Law as it applies to me and medications, was at least half expecting it to make me manic. (It has happened before with things that are normally sedating.) It didn't do that, but it didn't do anything even remotely helpful, either.

Ambien is not a viable option for me or we'd have tried that first. My genetic profile turned up potentially major problems with me taking it, but there weren't any known contraindications there for Lunesta. I can't take melatonin because it gives me headaches that last for days (though it does improve my sleep). Benadryl doesn't make me sleepy.

I got very achy as the day went on yesterday, and I'm still that way this morning. I'm at the levels of resting pain that I had when I was working. I know, now, that it's a problem of anxiety primarily and of sleep quality secondarily. Sadly, that doesn't help me do anything about it because I know from experience that there's not anything I can take that will decrease the pain. I'm finding it harder to deal with now because I'm no longer used to it as normal.

I've just gone out as a last minute pinch hit for [personal profile] captiveaudience. I'm sad about that but not hugely surprised since I could see that I hadn't gotten a story yet. The exchange has had some problems finding pinch hitters, mostly because almost nobody is following it but the participants (between twenty and twenty five people signed up). I'm not sure how likely it is that pinch hitters will be found for these last two. My fandoms are almost all old or tiny, so my bet now is that I'll end up either with a story for The Flash (TV 2014) or for Original Work, with the former more likely because of the amount of work needed to do the latter well. (I also requested Weiss Kreuz, The Pretender, Chronicles of Amber, and Princess Tutu. I would not expect to match on any of those now.)

The other pinch hit is looking for Teen Wolf, Merlin, Agents of SHIELD, Fairy Tales, or Red Eye (2005). I've not heard of that last fandom before.
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The appointment with my psychiatrist went well. She's more on my side with regard to the supposed magic of medication to fix me than my primary care doctor is. I think it's that my pcp isn't used to dealing with people who've tried lots of psychoactives with no benefit and really thinks that throwing the right new medication at me will magically solve every single problem that interacts with my anxiety. So no on the tricyclics and SNRIs.

I've taken two tricyclics in the past. I'd forgotten about the second because I was using it off label for bladder problems. That was Tofranil which didn't change my anxiety and kept me from sleeping if I took it at night. Elavil lowered my blood pressure enough that I felt wobbly walking around the house and also didn't change my anxiety.

So we're going to try Lunesta and see if I can tolerate it and if it will let me sleep while Scott and Cordelia are still up. I'll be eating dinner at 5:00 and going to bed at 9:00. This, naturally, will make all the dietary adjustments much less likely to happen because I'm going to be preparing all of my own food with all of the restrictions that my lack of physical resources imposes.

I gave my psychiatrist an ordered list of my health priorities. I need to email it to my primary care doctor, too. It's as follows:

Being able to think.
Cordelia's needs (Yes, this isn't my health, but... It only comes in behind being able to think because I need that to be able to help her).
Headaches (which make it hard to think).
c-PAP/improved sleep.
Fatigue/energy levels (this and the sleep may relate/interact, but I suspect that they're separate enough to merit listing separately).
Exercise.
Anxiety (this and exercise are pretty much even).
Pain in general.
Reflux.
Blood sugar control.
IBS.

If my oncologist tells me to do something different or if I find another lump, all of this goes out the window, of course, but this is the order of importance because I can't do things farther down the list unless I handle the things higher up first. As my psychiatrist said, the things higher up are the fires that will burn down my house the fastest. The blood sugar could still potentially turn into a fire, but getting my sleep and exercise in order is almost certainly going to help that.

The IBS is inconvenient, yes, and sometimes means taking a cab to places instead of the bus, but, honestly, the things it's stopped me doing have generally been things that I didn't particularly want to do because I had something less officially urgent but more personally urgent that I needed to get done. If it gets worse, I'll reconsider the priority I'm willing to give it.
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I ended up taking a cab down to check in for the Anomaly because I missed the bus I meant to take and then wasn't likely to make the next bus. I asked in the Slack channel if anyone could give me a ride, but no one answered before the cab came.

I can't actually say that I enjoyed the Anomaly. It wasn't horrible or anything. It just wasn't fun. I think that it would have been if I'd been with people I knew. As it was, I ended up listening to a lot of conversations that I couldn't contribute to because I vehemently disagreed with the positions everyone else agreed on (parenting issues, mostly). Our team captain did a good job, but the ops folks didn't hold to what they'd promised us-- Our group was supposed to stay within a two block area, but they marched us all over.

Scott and Cordelia picked me up about an hour and a half before the thing ended. I was ready to drop. I left a lot of my gear with the group, so I now really, really need to get out and hack portals in order to replenish things. I don't know that that's going to happen unless I nag Scott over it. Maybe if I go with him for grocery shopping, he'll be willing to trade a bit of driving around so I can hack things. Of course, the place I'd like to go is a bit of a drive and requires a lot of getting out of the car and walking.

Scott and Cordelia went out for ice cream after dinner, but I was too tired to manage it. I ended up sleeping very badly last night. I had stress related reflux which calmed after I took an Ativan but still cost me an hour of sleep. I only managed the c-PAP for a couple of hours before I started feeling like the air flow was choking me. I was up and down a lot. I really, really want a nap now. I just don't know that I have either the time or the ability to relax enough to sleep.

I had a headache when I got up this morning, so I experimented-- I had one hard candy to see if sugar would help. That hard candy almost entirely killed the headache, so I'm now almost entirely sure that what helps my morning headaches is the sugar content of my morning tea/coffee rather than the caffeine content. That's actually bad news because I'm supposed to be trying to cut the sugar.

I'll be seeing my primary care doctor tomorrow, so I need to go back through the last few months of this journal to see the patterns that I want to discuss with her. I'll see my psychiatrist on Tuesday.

Incomplete list of things to discuss with my doctor )
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I've got about fifteen minutes left to gather everything I need for the day, and I'm getting increasingly cranky. Scott ate most of what he bought for taking to the Anomaly. I have a bag of turkey jerky and about sixty almonds. That's it. I'm going to be out for about ten hours. If I'd realized everything else was gone, I'd have had him buy more yesterday, but I didn't. I spent most of yesterday desperately wanting to sleep and completely unable to relax enough to do it, so my brain wasn't exactly working well.

My IBS is also still acting up, and I'm sneezing like crazy. Either Scott put the Sudafed he bought away somewhere unusual, or our cleaning lady moved it. I can't find it at all, not in any of the places we keep medication. I'll take Benadryl if I have to, but it doesn't do much. I'd also rather not take it with Ativan, and I'm going to need Ativan.

I'm trying to figure out if I can keep my left arm in a sling and manage to carry everything. The elbow is hurting a lot (and was also a factor in me not getting enough sleep) I'm taking Cordelia's old backpack, and I'm debating moving stuff from my purse into that so that I don't need to manage both, but getting stuff out of a backpack is a PITA. Cordelia's backpack doesn't have the same number of separate pockets as mine does, either, so I really don't know.

I've got my phone charging while I deal with everything else, and I've got three rechargers to take with me. I still need to put on sunscreen

The temptation to simply chicken out is really high.

And Facebook will let me read but not comment or post or anything else.
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Wednesday evening, most people from our normal game group couldn't attend, so we ended up with one friend and his two kids. We got pizza. The local Cottage Inn wasn't doing online ordering, and we needed both delivery and the option to pay by credit card, so we went with Marco's instead. I was not pleased with their online order system. It worked well enough that we got pizza (what we ordered even), but there wasn't an option for tipping online, and it never sent me an order confirmation email in spite of me going through the email address confirmation process twice. They also don't offer the things we usually would order, no spinach, no broccoli (nothing green except various types of peppers), no sauce variants beyond tomato and 'white' (with no definition of what they meant by white sauce).

I didn't participate in the game playing so that they'd have more options (I can only manage fully cooperative games). They played Flashpoint (which I could have played, but I was dealing with ordering the pizza) and Robo Rally. Scott offered to loan them his copy of Robo Rally because he doesn't get many opportunities to play.

Scott's sister and her daughter got here a little before noon yesterday. Cordelia's volunteer shift ended early, so she was done before they arrived and had to wait for us to get downtown. Our niece had expressed interest in Korean barbecue, and I found a place about three blocks from the library. We didn't end up eating there, though. Instead, we went to the place next door that offered a variety of noodle dishes for considerably less money and a much shorter wait (both places had the same name, just with different subtitles, so I assume they're owned by the same people).

The food was okay, but I found the table and seating uncomfortable. We were on backless stools that were tall enough that I had to work at getting seated (I'm 5'2"). Service was prompt though.

After the meal, we went across the street to Dawn Treader, a used book store. This was a revelation for Cordelia because, although she's been in used book stores before, she never quite connected them as a thing to find locally or as a place that might have books of interest to her. We got her three books she wanted very much for less than half what they'd have cost new. I picked up a paperback that I intend to send to a friend who might enjoy it.

We took a little detour on the way back to the car to walk along the street where our nephew will be staying for part of the fall semester. His mother didn't know which specific house it would be, but we were able to narrow it down to a single block, so she took pictures of the houses so that she can ask him. He'll be staying with friends for two or three nights a week, rent free (which surprises me) and taking classes at Washtenaw Community College. In January, he'll start at Michigan State University.

I strongly recommended that he make use of the city bus system. Parking near where he'll be staying is extremely difficult and expensive. If he parks near us, he can get a bus to where he'll be staying in under fifteen minutes, and there are regular buses out to WCC (which also service a hospital out there and so are likely to keep running on the weekend as well. I just haven't checked yet). It's also possible he might be able to park at WCC and then use the bus. I'm not sure of WCC parking regulations/limitations, but they're not located near much of anything else, so I suspect they're likely to be considerable less stringent than those in downtown Ann Arbor.

We considered going to Skyline to walk Cordelia's classes, but the building was closed so that they could wax the floors. I don't know if they're open today for that to be an option. I should probably look into it. Next week, Cordelia will be volunteering at the science center camp Monday through Thursday, and I think there's something else going on that Friday.

I also ought to try to get out to do some Ingress in the hope of getting gear I need for tomorrow, but I'm still very tired. I woke much earlier than I wanted to because my left elbow, the one with the tendinitis, was hurting a lot. It had been fine when I went to bed, so I have no idea what happened. I keep telling myself that I'll go back to bed soon, but it's 11:00, and I haven't (largely because of IBS issues). Cordelia's up now, so it will be harder.

There are pre-Anomaly Ingress gatherings in town today. I'd like to go, but I simply can't face it right now. I need sleep more, and I need my digestive system to calm down. I guess it's crackers, plain potatoes, white rice, etc. for the rest of the day. These are terrible for my blood sugar but reliably make my digestive system calm down. I can't tell if today's problem is purely (or even mostly) stress or if it's something from lunch yesterday or due to the handful of sugar snap peas I had last night.

I'm also having agoraphobia issues around the Anomaly now that Scott can't be there. I'm determined to go, but it's going to be really, really hard. All the people I know who are going will be on different teams than I am (and there are reasons I can't join them-- my stamina/mobility issues primarily but also some interpersonal conflicts and not wanting to abandon my current team which only has six people, some of whom may not actually show up).

I'm still occasionally not getting AO3 comments emailed to me. So far, it's only two comments out of dozens, but... I've checked every folder for that Gmail address (and every folder for my email on my laptop) with no joy. This includes the spam folder. I asked AO3 about it and pretty much got a 'not our problem' response. If it's not that messages are going to the spam folder, they've got no fix for it. So my recourse is to check my AO3 inbox regularly to try to catch things that don't get mailed to me. This doesn't help if I'm missing subscription notices, but at least I won't be unintentionally ignoring comment on my fics (there are a few I'm ignoring deliberately for one reason or another).
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Scott's going to have to work Saturday. That kind of blows up our weekend plans, but the plant is doing full production that day, so everybody's working, no way around it. At least I can steal the equipment he'd been saving for the anomaly? (Definitely looking for a silver lining.)

We had a trial run this morning for how things will work in the fall, once school starts, because Cordelia had to catch a city bus at 7 a.m. in order to be at Skyline for an 8 a.m. orientation. I'm pretty sure I only got through it because I woke at 2:30 and took my thyroid medicine. If I don't wake to take it, I have to wait an hour and a half before I can eat or have my morning tea/coffee. Which would mean eating right at the point that I can actually go back to bed.

I have no idea how I'm going to make it through that time without sugar and caffeine. Scott has asked me not to discuss it because it upsets Cordelia to think that she's making things hard for me. I kind of want to snarl at him because that doesn't actually help me at all.

I'm kind of thinking that what ought to happen is for Scott to be the one to make Cordelia's breakfast since he'll be getting up at the same time she does. I'm not convinced that I need to be up to do that just so that he can sit on the couch and watch TV with her. (She needs the whole hour and a half to spin up and be functional. If someone doesn't put food in front of her, she won't eat.) I guess we'll see.

After Cordelia got on the bus, I took a walk. I walked very slowly for about an hour and a half. Then I went home and tried to get some things done. At about 10:30, I tried to nap, but I kept getting texts and phone calls. I did sleep some because I had kind of gripping dreams in between the texts. I figure I'm tired if I manage to out and out dream in a ten minute nap between text messages.

I need to find some space for myself in the next few days so that I can finish the fic that's due in early September. The problem is that I can't write it while Cordelia's home, so I may not actually have much time. She's volunteering most of next week, so maybe I'll have time then, but I also have doctor appointments in there and a bunch of other things that need doing while she's not at home. I don't know. I have 6000 words of story and something that would be an ending for any other exchange. I just haven't gotten what I need for this.

I'd normally ask Scott to get Cordelia out of the house, but I don't see that happening between now and the due date. There's just no way to make it work.
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I spent most of yesterday writing up a document for out of town Ingress people who are coming to the anomaly in Ann Arbor at the end of the month. The hotels for our side are in a part of town that I know well, so I started off talking about the bus options from there to downtown and/or central campus and then got into parking and how the parts of the University of Michigan fit into the town and the food options out by the hotels and as one heads into town. I also mentioned publicly accessible bathrooms (the coffee shops are the best options but wheelchair/scooter access may vary).

I ended up with thirteen pages of babbling. Someone else caught an error that I've now corrected-- I used 'Westland' (the town where Scott works) instead of 'Westgate' (the shopping mall out Jackson Road near 94).

Somehow, that ate all of the time I'd meant to use for other things.

Around 8 p.m., Scott and I went out to a place we hadn't been before for some Ingress. I'd spotted a cluster of about a dozen portals in a cemetery when we drove by a few months back, but somehow, we never got around to going out there before now. It was about a ten minute drive. We didn't end up keeping the portals long, but they were new for both of us. I let Scott capture most of them because he's close to leveling up, needing about 250K points while I need 1.5 million points.

There are more portals further out that road, but I'm not sure there's another cluster that large.

He and I both need a lot of specific bits of equipment for the anomaly. I have no idea how we're going to be able to get it all given the lack of available time. Well, I theoretically have time. I just don't have the stamina or the access to visit a lot of portals. I'm also going to have to ditch all my keys. I don't want to, but I don't see us paying for any equipment like key lockers. I suppose I should look and see how much they cost, but I really don't think it's a justifiable expense.

I'm worried about the anomaly because of my mobility and stamina issues. I've explained them to the organizers, but I'm not sure they actually understood. When I say that an hour to an hour and a half of walking very slowly is a hard limit, I really do mean it. If I do that much, I'm not going to be doing anything else that day. They put me (and Scott so we can be together) on a 'slow moving team,' but the anomaly will last about four hours. I really, really can't manage that.

And that's without the possibility that Scott might not make it until two hours into the dratted thing due to having to work. We won't know about work until the day before, so it's not something we can plan for.

They also want us to install several communications apps on our phones, and I'm dubious about it. I really don't want anything that will eat up my battery that way, and I try not to install apps unless I'm certain I'm going to use them a lot. Ingress, Feedly, Life360, Wunderlist, and Habitica are the extra apps that I actually use a lot. I have one game besides Ingress, and that's FluidMonkey which is good for when my brain has dribbled out my ears. I don't use it often.

The list is zello, ingress intel, maps, slack, and glympse. I have no idea what zello and glympse are. Ingress intel makes sense, but I had the impression from something Scott said a while back that it wasn't available to me. Guess I'll check. I've looking into the Slack app, and everything I read about it makes it sound like something I don't want within six miles of any device of mine.

I suppose I can install apps the day before and delete them immediately after. There are apps on my phone that I really, really don't want but can't delete because they're bundled into the OS.

We watched a movie after we got back and somehow lost track of time so that we didn't turn off the light until midnight. I once again couldn't sleep because I was too warm. That led to spiraling anxiety about all the things I need to get done and how I won't be able to on so very little sleep. I ended up with about four hours of fitful sleep, all without the c-PAP. (I took it off before I fell asleep, about an hour and a half after I put it on. At that point, it claimed that I was averaging seven prolonged stoppages of breathing per hour. This seems to be a trend. That is, if I'm awake with the stupid thing running, it registers lots of problems, but if I fall asleep quickly, it registers almost none.

I think the Ativan is working less well in terms of helping me relax to sleep. I'm not sure how much of that is the way that Scott being on nights for two weeks and then on vacation this week has thrown off my routines and how much is anxiety about getting Cordelia ready for camp next week and high school starting after Labor Day. Right now, our plan for getting Cordelia to Skyline for camp departure is for Scott to drop her off before he heads to work. She says she doesn't want/need me there, but I'm not sure whether or not she'll stick to that.

Cordelia's supposed to by there at 7 a.m. for an 8 a.m. bus departure. If we deal with a cab, we would need to call at 6 a.m. in order to be sure of getting there by 7. That would likely mean us getting to the school by 6:30. At that point, it kind of makes sense for Scott to drop us (or just Cordelia) off before heading to work. It would mean getting there at 6:15 unless he gets permission from work to be a little late (which he says he's going to request). If he's able to be there until Cordelia can get into the building, I'd be willing to stay home. I just don't want her sitting, alone, outside the school for forty five minutes.

Cordelia's never been away for anything like this long. The closest was four or five days with Scott's sister when she was seven and I had my gallbladder removed. I think that it will be a good experience for her, but there's going to be anxiety for all three of us until we settle into it.
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The worst bit of this week is over now. I've done my fasting blood draw and uterine ultrasound. We got Cordelia through her blood draw. That last was pretty rough on all three of us.

I felt much better yesterday afternoon after Scott and Cordelia went off to the Eagle Scout ceremony without me. I started getting tense again when they got home, but I think that was more because I was suddenly looking at all the stuff that still needed doing rather than because they were back.

I haven't done any writing in the last couple of days. I'm not sure if any writing will happen this week at all given everything that needs doing while Scott's off work, but it's hard to say.

Scott and I both slept kind of badly last night. I managed the c-PAP all night, but I never really managed deep sleep. He, of course, was dealing with his body's sense of when to sleep being off. He got up with Cordelia this morning. I pretended to sleep a bit longer (getting out of bed with the need to continue fasting would have been hard).
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Yesterday continued as one of the worst headache days in recent memory. The sinus part more or less went away (but my sinuses itched), but anxiety/stress made my shoulders, neck, and the back of my head hurt terribly, and the main headache moved above my eyes to become a classic (for me) migraine. I was even light sensitive.

I took Amerge. I tried to nap. I tried stretches and relaxation. I tried writing a to do list for the rest of the month and giving it to Scott to see if he could help me make it smaller. He dealt with talking to the sports medicine surgeon and with the groceries (except that he forgot something that I really will need for tomorrow). It turns out that he has access to email Cordelia's patient portal (I don't ) and could just send a message through that instead of calling.

I slept badly last night and ended up getting up at about 7 a.m. (after going to bed at about 2 a.m.) because I had horrible reflux of the sort I only get when I'm really, really falling apart due to anxiety. Omeprozale and oatmeal did enough to let me lie down again, and I dreamed a bit, so I must have slept at least a little.

I'm not sure anything much is going to help until I'm through today and tomorrow. I need to do all of that stuff without Ativan because my prescription says one a day and I'm using that one to let me sleep with the c-PAP on. My doctor says taking more than one a day is fine, but I can't refill the damned thing before thirty days have passed, so doubling up means skipping some other day.

Scott has decreed that I'm not going to the Eagle Scout ceremony for our nephew. It's better for me that way, but I feel guilty because I missed his graduation party, too.

Hm. For tomorrow, they want the fasting blood draw to be in the window between 10 and 12 hours of fasting. They open at 8:00 a.m., and I can't eat after 8:00 p.m. if I want to be able to sleep before 3:00 a.m. I have no idea how to manage this. Given when Cordelia leaves and the buses in general, I can't get there before 9:00. If Scott's able to stay up long enough to get me to UHS, it will still likely be 8:15 or 8:30 when we arrive because of traffic. The window used to be between 12 and 16 hours fasting.

I might be able to get the blood draw done somewhere else. Most of the clinics affiliated with the university open at 7:00 a.m., but I'd have to get there without Scott's help because of Cordelia needing one of us at home up until 7:50. I'm not willing to take the bus at that time of day because that bus is a major, major commuter shuttle between the park and ride lots and the hospital and central campus.
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I slept eight hours last night, all of it with the c-PAP, but it was very light and not very restful sleep because I still feel like I've been flattened and desperately want to go back to bed. My elbows hurt when I lie on my back for too long (I'm pretty sure that the joints are hyperextending) because there isn't a way I can keep my arms bent without making other things hurt even more.

My parents arrived here about 11:30, and we ended up going to the same Chinese place we went to the last time they came. I had really wanted to go to Totoro which is downtown, but losing that half an hour made it just not really feasible.

My mother texted me around 5:00 to say that the procedure went well and that they were already back in Lawton (two hours away).

Around 3:20, Cordelia, who was at the downtown library, called me to tell me that her best friend had hit her head while volunteering at the same camp where Cordelia did last week. This is the girl who had the bad concussion at the end of May and then needed another ER trip for a relapse two weeks later. I woke Scott and he drove over to get her because we didn't want her to have to wait there or to have to walk up that steep hill in the heat. Cordelia got home about thirty seconds after Scott got her friend here, and the two of them went into Cordelia's room and seemed to be happy. (We'd been kind of worried because the other girl looked kind of out of it and wouldn't talk to either of us.)

I had tried calling the other girl's mother and texting her mother while Scott was getting her but failed to reach her. She called us on the landline about fifteen minutes after her daughter got here. It took her another half an hour to get here because she had to take the bus. The girl said she'd called Cordelia because she didn't have any other numbers for our family, and her mother said she'd correct that oversight as she (the mother) has my cell, Scott's cell, and our landline numbers.

The last I heard, the other girl was doing okay, but that was last night. I kind of suspect that she's not at camp today, but I don't know.

Monday is going to suck hugely. I need to be up for Cordelia at 6:30 and do a fasting blood draw sometime after 8:30 or 9:00 (need to check when UHS opens) which probably means getting down there by bus. At 1:00 I have a uterine ultrasound, also at UHS. In the evening, we need to take Cordelia out to East Ann Arbor for a blood draw.

I wanted to do Cordelia's last night since the place was open until 7:30 (only until 5:30 today and so utterly impossible unless Scott was willing to do it before going to bed which he wasn't). Scott thought that we ought to give Cordelia at least a day's notice. I disagreed strongly, but he went ahead and told her right before he left for work last night. She spent the next hour having something approaching a panic attack and blaming me for it. I am decidedly unhappy with Scott about this.

Also, doing it last night would have made it more likely that, if she needs vitamin supplements or thyroid medication we could still manage to get the camp permission slips for those signed and turned in before departure. Cordelia's pediatrician requires a two day turnaround for those things, so Thursday is the absolute latest we can turn them in and still have them for the orientation meeting the following Monday evening (departure is at 8 a.m. on Tuesday with Cordelia needing to be there at 7 a.m. which is going to be vastly fun given that going by cab means a choice between risking being late and being almost certain to have a half an hour to sit outside the building before they let us in).

I talked to one of the camp organizers Wednesday afternoon about medications and such. She clarified that, although all the forms say that prescriptions need to be held and dispensed by either the nurse or the cabin counselor, prescription topical acne medications are not included under that. I'd have thought, given the age group, that those medications would be common enough to merit some sort of mention of them being an exception.

One of Cordelia's prescriptions has changed dosage, and the bottle is too full for us to be able to get a new one with the new dosing information. The camp is completely inflexible on that. They will administer medications exactly according to label no matter what other documentation you have.
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My sleep was only middling last night. I was stressed out at bedtime and didn't end up turning out the light until much later than usual because I wanted to unwind a bit. I used the c-PAP for part of the night. It had been my intention to use it all night, but I took it off in the middle of the night. I don't know why. I remember doing it and that it seemed important to do so, but I can't remember why.

I decided to make use of being up early to do a chore that I've been putting off for months. I pulled all of the books I've already read off the shelves in bedroom (two shopping bags filled to the top) and consolidated the other books as much as I could. I've dusted some of the shelves. I don't know that the dust quite made it to the dust bunny stage, but I at least had dust mice.

I want to clear enough space that I can have one shelf for library books. Having them in six different places isn't conducive to remembering to read them. I also want space for my thumb splints and some place level to land my laptop over night when I've been using it in there before bed.

I need to figure out what to do with the jigsaw puzzles. I like puzzles, but we don't really have a place for me to do them. Setting up a card table isn't really feasible for space reasons, not unless I'm going to finish the puzzle in a single afternoon while I'm home alone.

Scott scheduled today as a vacation day so that he could deal with two medical appointments. The way work schedules things, that means he has tonight off. Their book keeping considers third shift to be on the day that it starts rather than on the day it ends. This is partly so they can say that third shift works M-F instead of Tu-Sa. At any rate, his first appointment is at 11 and the second at either 2 or 3. Right now, the plan is for him to shower and then try to nap for an hour before the first appointment.

We need to wash Scott's work clothes today, and I'd like to change the sheets and run a load of laundry for us and maybe for Cordelia. I need to shower, too, and I'd like to nap if I can. Oh, and it's trash day. Great fun.

Tomorrow, my parents will be in town briefly because my step-father has an appointment about that growth in his eye. They suggested that we go to lunch. I'm pretty sure that they were hoping to see Cordelia, but they never did much to build a relationship with her, so she's got zero interest. She'd go along if she had nothing else going on, but she's not going to skip part of her volunteering in order to see them.

Scott gave me a ride to and from my appointment yesterday. I wouldn't have asked, but I was feeling really miserable due to cramping. He took the opportunity to pick up an interlibrary loan book that had come in for Cordelia.

My psychiatrist suggested that I try to find some sort of online, at home work to earn money to help while we're financially strapped. I'm looking at that as a huge can of worms. There's not a lot I'm able to do because of not being able to commit to regular hours or even to a set number in a week. Also, most of the online work options aren't things I'd be good at or aren't things that my anxiety would permit.

I'm also concerned about the possibility that earning money, even sporadically, might affect my disability status with either Social Security or my long term disability insurance through my former employer. The LTD insurer is always looking for any hint that I might not be disabled. I might be able to work for a while before I wrecked myself, and that might well be long enough to lose the LTD insurance payments and the medical insurance that goes along with the money.

My writing might be marketable, but I think that would wreck me, too, because there'd need to be a lot of it, and I'd need to figure out how to sell it and work at making sure that people saw it and... I'd stay awake all night worrying that I had or hadn't done something that would just wreck everything. Also, the sort of writing that might bring in money within any sort of helpful time frame would likely be some sort of ebook porn short stories. I can write porn. Sometimes. I can even write it quickly. Sometimes. I just... I write dark and complicated, and sometimes, I can't write at all for days or even weeks.

My psychiatrist also said that, if I'm still exhausted the next time I see her, we can talk about stimulants because insurers will cover them for people with sleep apnea who have been using a c-PAP for at least two months. I'm not entirely optimistic. Provigil (modafinil) didn't help me at all, and I suspect that caffeine has more of a psychological effect for me than a physiological one. Well, if I've recently had caffeine, sleeping is harder because I have to get up to pee every twenty minutes, but I'm not sure that counts.

It's frustrating that she's the only medical professional I'm dealing with who understands that the things that the other doctors are worried about all derive at least in part from fatigue/exhaustion and from anxiety and pain making sleep difficult. And each of those things makes all of the others worse.

I did some edits on my second Pod Together fic yesterday, all things that my partner requested. I'm hoping that the changed text will be easier to read. I still need to do one check on the pronunciation of the name of a minor character. I think I remember how it was pronounced, but I don't want to rely on that.

I also wrote about four hundred words on chapter 7 of Auguries of Innocence. I need to go back to the early part of the chapter to lay some groundwork for the things that just occurred to me as necessary. It's all about a character who hasn't been in any of the previous chapters, so I don't need to tweak anything earlier in the story. (This is an advantage of using point of view characters who don't think the way that most people do, Draco because he's unmoored in time, and Luna because she never did.)
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Some amount of being in a small space with a lot of strangers ahead of me today. Our nephew's graduation party is this afternoon from noon for 4 p.m. at his home. It's nice outside, so I expect some part of the party will be in the yard. Scott and Cordelia have just left. I'm not currently able to manage the drive up there (about 25 minutes) without frequent bathroom breaks, so Scott's going to come back for me later on. I think he'd have put off going until later, but we promised to pick up the breadsticks his sister ordered for the party. Those actually need to be there when the guests start arriving.

I know our nephew won't really care that much if I don't show up at all, but his parents will, and I will. Scott's of the opinion that this is a bad combination of the anticipatory stress of the event with the other things that have hit me this week. He's probably right. It's just... I rarely used to have this sort of problem around events like this.

But, as soon as Scott and Cordelia left, I started feeling a little better. That argues very, very strongly for anxiety. I think I might lie down for a while after I post this.

Scott bought a card this morning because trying to design and print a photo card was going to be too time consuming and difficult. The printer hasn't been doing well with anything like that. He was nodding off through most of the morning because he worked 3 a.m. to 7 a.m. and then did the grocery shopping. Yesterday's shift was nasty, too. One of the water lines broke, and (of course) it was the one furthest back so that getting at it required shutting down and moving three other water lines.

I mostly cat waxed yesterday. I got a fair way toward cleaning out the last of duplicate emails. I think I've got one folder of about two hundred messages to weed and sort. Discovering that putting a copy of a message into a folder that already held a copy would not produce duplicates made the whole process much, much simpler because I just consolidated things without trying to determine if they were duplicates or not.

I need to find a first sentence for the fic I'm starting. It may not be a sentence I keep, but that first sentence is what breaks the dam. I'm thinking that I may just do stream of consciousness in the character's POV to see what I discover about him. That's worked in the past to shake things loose when I wasn't quite certain of the voice.

There's a multi-fandom remix running with signups now. They're not restricting fandoms, though, which I can see as a potential problem in knowing what to offer to write. For past remixes, I've had some overlap in what I offer for remixing and what I offer to remix, but mostly I've gone through the list of possibilities and written down fandoms I think I could do. Then I weed that list down to the maximum I'm allowed to offer to write.

I'm remixable in Weiss Kreuz, Chronicles of Narnia, and Chronicles of Amber. The other fandoms that look potentially workable all contain crossovers or have one of the three stories not quite hit the minimum word count. If the [community profile] pod_together fics were revealed, I'd qualify for Labyrinth and (if that's what I end up writing for my second story) The Pretender.

Ah, well. It's not as if I didn't already have half a dozen other things that I want to do during that window. I think I should pass on this one.
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This headache won't quit. At this point, the sinus component is gone, and I'm about 80% sure that everything remaining is related to upcoming deadlines for which I don't have my projects completed. I've been working on one of those all morning and might have an end in sight. Maybe.

The other, I haven't started, but I can ask for an extension of a week, so it's quite possible to get it done. I'm mainly delaying asking in case, for some horrible reason, I need an extension on the first project, too.

I've taken Tylenol, Mucinex, Amerge, and Ativan toward killing the headache. I've also had enough water to make my back teeth float and some caffeine and some fat and protein. A cold pack helped a lot, but the meds, apart from the Ativan, didn't help much. I really think that what I need is to finish the first [community profile] pod_together story.
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Cordelia is now saying that she doesn't want to go to camp in August because she doesn't think she can handle a week without me. She also says that she's sure all of the other kids will be awful people and that there will be so many people present that there's no hope of her managing to spend any time with the people she actually knows.

She's been wanting lots of hugs and cuddling and reassurance that I'll always be there for her. She's also afraid any time she lets herself stop and think (mostly in the evenings). Her days have been pretty full, but she comes home and tells me that, even though she had fun, she missed me horribly. I think she's got some sort of worry that, if she's not checking up on me regularly, I'll just vanish.

I finally listened to the voicemail Cordelia's psychiatrist left. She says that the Celexa ought to stay at a steady level for twenty four hours on a single dose and that this may mean the dose is too low. Cordelia is afraid of upping the dose because she's connected her tiredness to the medication. I need to call the doctor back on Monday to discuss it.

Cordelia has more or less mastered swallowing small pills. Last night, she asked what I take for cramps, and I gave her a naproxen. It took her two swallows to get it down, but she did, and she was astonished to discover that it did help.

Her report card came today. It's all A's with an A+ in gym and an A- in algebra. Cordelia's of the opinion that they can't have counted the algebra final in that grade because she thinks that would have taken her down to B+ or even B range. I can't tell from PowerSchool whether or not she's right. It doesn't actually matter. B grades are good, too, and that particular class has been nasty for all the students due to the teacher not being very good.
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Cordelia spent last night with her best friend, a sleepover. They went to a movie at Top of the Park (outdoor showing), so they were out quite late. I think they saw Hidden Figures. The girls are eager to go to more of these movies. The main difficulty is getting them home afterward. I don't think the buses run that late, and Scott can't stay up for that. I doubt the other girl's parents can either.

My psychiatrist says I should use Ativan every night for a while in the hope that that will get me used to the c-PAP. We discussed Lunesta as an option as well, but I wasn't keen on it because new medications that sedate me can send my anxiety through the roof. Lunesta might not since it's supposed to make a person fall asleep really, really fast, but... I thought trying Ativan first was wiser.

She also wants me to practice taking the gear off and putting it back on in as close to night time darkness as I can manage in the hope that that will help the anxiety caused by feeling less able to respond to an emergency. (What sort of emergency, I can't imagine. The anxiety portions of my brain are simply adamant that I must be prepared for emergencies at all times. All possible emergencies rather than anything specific.) There's a reason that, when I startle awake, including with an alarm, I wake pretty completely and can function immediately, no matter how tired I am. That ability to function fades as the day goes on.

I took an Ativan last night and used the c-PAP until Scott's alarm at 5 a.m. I slept without it after that until about 8:30 when Cordelia texted me with a question. That's two hours longer than I'd have slept on a school night. I'm still tired, but I'm able to function. Maybe this will work.

I'm starting to get a headache now, so I'm going to lie down for a while.

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