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Dec. 5th, 2019 01:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_rckScott and I both have colds. He thinks we caught it from our nephew at Thanksgiving. I'm not sure because our nephew didn't come near either of us. Also, he's 20 and much better at not getting germs everywhere than he was when he was 3.
I ended up not sleeping at all last night, partly because of not feeling well, partly because of feeling too warm, and partly from stress. Scott and I had appointments Monday and Wednesday, the former at Cordelia's school to meet with the counselor who specializes in college applications/financial aid/career counseling, the latter with Scott's psychotherapist. This is the second time I've gone to one of Scott's appointments, and I'll have more to say on that later.
Thursday is the FAFSA information night at Cordelia's school. Cordelia will be at school until 9 p.m., and I'd rather not risk waiting for the January date at an easier to reach school. That one might well end up a casualty of bad weather, too. I can be fairly sure that tomorrow's won't be. I'll head out there very early (possibly having Scott drop me off before he leaves for work) and take food for Cordelia. There's no prospect for her to eat during the 3 p.m. to 9 p.m. rehearsal tomorrow unless I do that or she carries her own food in.
Friday, Cordelia has another concert. There are three choir concerts this month, on top of the one last week. They're also going caroling the Friday before break. The schedule is kind of overwhelming. The rest of December looks like it might be just as bad.
Scott's therapist really wants us to do some sort of family therapy. He can't get Cordelia there because of the conflicts between her schedule and Scott's, but he wants me there every week. The two sessions we've had have underlined my issues in dealing with therapists-- If they're skilled at handling people, I read them as gaslighting me. If they're not, they generally assert things that make me disregard all further words coming out of their mouths, things like 'Being a panentheist is responsible for your anxiety. It's not a valid view of the universe' or 'Anxiety and depression are the same thing. If you say you're anxious rather than depressed, you're wrong. Call it depression.'
On the gaslighting side, I suspect that that comes mostly from the many years I spent having my mother and stepfather telling me that I was making up physical symptoms in order to get attention. There were other, more specific instances, but that bit permeated my childhood and adolescence.
It's not helped by the BS that my father tended to spout on other topics, but his BS tends to fall into the 'disregard all further words' category. I don't so much think he's gaslighting me as that he's constantly doing it to himself and attempting to do it to the world around him.
My father and my stepfather both used to be therapists and still have the mannerisms.
But, also, a guy I've met twice telling me that cognitive behavioral therapy not working for me must mean that none of the times I've tried it involved doing it right. I've tried it more than once and with different therapists over the last 30 years. At this point, I feel that him pushing it on me is rather like him trying to convince me that eggs don't give me migraines. The experience of testing that is so unpleasant that I'm not willing to go there again.
I ended up not sleeping at all last night, partly because of not feeling well, partly because of feeling too warm, and partly from stress. Scott and I had appointments Monday and Wednesday, the former at Cordelia's school to meet with the counselor who specializes in college applications/financial aid/career counseling, the latter with Scott's psychotherapist. This is the second time I've gone to one of Scott's appointments, and I'll have more to say on that later.
Thursday is the FAFSA information night at Cordelia's school. Cordelia will be at school until 9 p.m., and I'd rather not risk waiting for the January date at an easier to reach school. That one might well end up a casualty of bad weather, too. I can be fairly sure that tomorrow's won't be. I'll head out there very early (possibly having Scott drop me off before he leaves for work) and take food for Cordelia. There's no prospect for her to eat during the 3 p.m. to 9 p.m. rehearsal tomorrow unless I do that or she carries her own food in.
Friday, Cordelia has another concert. There are three choir concerts this month, on top of the one last week. They're also going caroling the Friday before break. The schedule is kind of overwhelming. The rest of December looks like it might be just as bad.
Scott's therapist really wants us to do some sort of family therapy. He can't get Cordelia there because of the conflicts between her schedule and Scott's, but he wants me there every week. The two sessions we've had have underlined my issues in dealing with therapists-- If they're skilled at handling people, I read them as gaslighting me. If they're not, they generally assert things that make me disregard all further words coming out of their mouths, things like 'Being a panentheist is responsible for your anxiety. It's not a valid view of the universe' or 'Anxiety and depression are the same thing. If you say you're anxious rather than depressed, you're wrong. Call it depression.'
On the gaslighting side, I suspect that that comes mostly from the many years I spent having my mother and stepfather telling me that I was making up physical symptoms in order to get attention. There were other, more specific instances, but that bit permeated my childhood and adolescence.
It's not helped by the BS that my father tended to spout on other topics, but his BS tends to fall into the 'disregard all further words' category. I don't so much think he's gaslighting me as that he's constantly doing it to himself and attempting to do it to the world around him.
My father and my stepfather both used to be therapists and still have the mannerisms.
But, also, a guy I've met twice telling me that cognitive behavioral therapy not working for me must mean that none of the times I've tried it involved doing it right. I've tried it more than once and with different therapists over the last 30 years. At this point, I feel that him pushing it on me is rather like him trying to convince me that eggs don't give me migraines. The experience of testing that is so unpleasant that I'm not willing to go there again.
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Date: 2019-12-05 02:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 05:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-07 02:57 am (UTC)