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In spite of taking Halcion fully two hours ago, I haven't gotten anywhere near sleep so far tonight. I feel physically wide awake, so for once it's not my brain running in circles to keep me awake. I have no idea what to do. If it wasn't almost midnight and rainy, I'd go for a walk or something. There isn't really anything I can do with physical energy while everyone else sleeps.

I think I do have to get out of bed. It's a terrible idea, but it's better than lying here, looking at the ceiling.
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I tried taking two Halcion tablets last night (adding up to 0.5 mg) and slept well. Barring a couple of trips to the bathroom, I didn't get up until around 10:00. I even slept through Scott getting out of bed. I'm not sure how much of that was complete exhaustion and how much was the medication.

Scott has managed to repair the bathroom sink. It wasn't exactly broken, but the stopper had broken, so we had a gaping hole down the drain. Now, we have a strainer in place. There's no longer a way to seal the basin, but that's not generally something we've wanted, so I don't think it will matter.

Skyline's homecoming dance is tonight. Cordelia's going with a group of friends. They're planning to get dinner first at some place that we've not previously heard of. Scott's driving them to the restaurant and from there to the high school. He's not supposed to have dinner in the same place as they do, but he needs to stay nearby in order to retrieve them when they're done. I can't go along because there will be four kids to wedge into the car somehow. Scott plus three is comfortable. Scott plus four is... feasible. Scott plus five is impossible.

It's a pity because it would be really nice for me and Scott to be able to get dinner out together tonight. The dance starts too late for that to be feasible after it begins. Him coming home to get me or to bring carryout is theoretically possible, timing wise, but we have no idea how long the kids will take, and I think it would be good if Scott were nearby in case one of the kids doesn't have enough cash (they're 13/14 years old).

The dance is 'semi-formal,' and tickets are $28 each (not per pair but each). I have no idea what that money is paying for. Gold plated paper plates? Silk ribbons instead of paper? It's not like they're paying a band.
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I tried to nap this morning, but by the time I finally relaxed enough to maybe be ready to fall asleep, it was twenty minutes before I had to be up to go to an oncology appointment. I'd had 2.5 hours when I lay down. The appointment was fine but took much longer than I expected because I had to wait twenty minutes to check out afterward. I'll be going back in four months because the nurse practitioner I see picked up on me being nervous about waiting until June to check in. I'm not sure if she quite understands that I don't trust mammograms right now because the mammogram didn't see the lump until six months after I first found it.

I got a flu shot while iI was at the appointment, and it's really hurting this year. Moving the arm at all is unpleasant. The nurse who did the shot put it very high up on the arm. I actually thought she was going to put it into the joint itself.

I'm really glad that Scott didn't work today because parent teacher conferences were grueling. Cordelia's geometry teacher and social studies teacher both had really, really long lines. It took an hour to get through the line to see the geometry teacher and almost as long to see the social studies teacher. Scott saw the business fundamentals teacher without me, while I waited in line for the social studies teacher.

All the teachers seemed pleased with Cordelia. We found out that a couple of the teachers had mailing lists that we weren't on due to Cordelia having been at Community for those three days. The geometry teacher told us that we weren't the first to express unhappiness with 8th grade math at Cordelia's old school. I got the impression that the other parent(s) were also concerned about their kid(s) not having the necessary fundamentals.

The business teacher seems to have talked Scott's ear off. Scott was gone for quite a while for that. Scott says that the teacher is frustrated by the kids who don't understand the difference between writing a ten page research paper and preparing a presentation.

I think my body is starting up another period. The last one started on the 27th, so this is much sooner than is normal for me.

I suspect I'm not going to sleep much tonight because we bought food at Wendy's before the conference. I basically fell over in exhaustion a bit before the cleaning lady left, and we had to get something that wouldn't take long and that might give me enough oomph to get through three hours of conferences. The burger did that much, at least. I was still pretty dead on my feet until about an hour after I ate, but now, almost four hours later, I'm still pretty awake. Unfortunately, my digestive system isn't happy. The timing is bad for any of the things that might help relative to my medications. If I take everything now, I can have vanilla ice cream in an hour which might help (about a 75% chance).

Just have to make myself stand up again...
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This afternoon, I did some minor beta reading on a paper that Cordelia's best friend was writing. It was mostly punctuation and verb tenses. The real challenge was explaining why. Cordelia thinks the idea of consulting a style guide is ridiculous (also the idea of asking a teacher which style guide they want used). Is that just a college thing? It just seemed to me that it would be helpful to know which set of rules the teacher is expecting.

I ended up taking a very long walk today, more than two hours, in spite of the fact that it was raining. I think that, as far as the rain goes, I'd have turned back sooner if it had started raining hard sooner. As it happens, I got to the end of the route I had decided on, and then it started pouring. I was pretty thoroughly soaked by the time I got home. I had to change my clothes entirely. I hacked six new-to-me Ingress portals and made several tiny fields while i was out.

I'm not commenting much right now because I'm doing a lot of my DW reading on my cell phone. I can type on that, but I always end up thinking that I'll remember to come back to the post when I'm on my laptop and then... Well, I don't. I am reading pretty reliably.

It's probably also likely that being low on sleep contributes to me not commenting. I felt so much better today after ten hours of sleep that I almost couldn't believe the difference. I wish it wasn't something that requires a huge family production about making happen.

Scott's brother and his family are thinking to come to Michigan for Christmas. We haven't seen them in a couple of years, so it would be really nice if they did come. Scott even managed to get some vacation time in between Christmas and New Year. I'm not sure about whether or not them staying a night or two with us will work now that their youngest is six. I think she was three the last time they stayed here, and at that point, she just slept in a port-a-crib in the basement with her parents while her older sister shared Cordelia's room. Now? I really don't know. I'm not sure that both girls can fit in Cordelia's room, and I'm quite sure that a port-a-crib won't be an option. Scott's sister and Scott's parents both have more flexibility that way, but it would be sad not to have them spend at least one night here. Scott and his brother don't get much time together.

My parents haven't told us that they'll be coming to Michigan in December. They did last year, but I don't know if that means doing it this year as well. At this point, I'm figuring that Scott's chance to see his brother outweighs time with them. I love them, but I'm pretty much never happier after I've seen them. I'm sometimes no less happy than I was but not always.

I had lunch with [personal profile] evalerie yesterday. We went to Juicy Kitchen which is out near Cordelia's school. We got there just before the lunch rush started. The place is tiny. I'm not sure that, even including the outdoor seating, it can accommodate more than twenty people.

I got myself to bed by about 8 p.m. last night. I hadn't really fallen asleep by the time I got a phone call at 9:30 (another mother calling about a school thing that actually did need to be dealt with last night). At that point, I took a second Halcion and then slept pretty soundly. I was able to sleep in a bit because the school had a late start. The 11th graders were taking the PSAT, and other grades didn't have class until 11:15. The district only ran the school buses for the 7:30 start time, so anybody who didn't go in then needed other transportation (that's what the other mother was calling about).

It's almost 9 p.m. now, and I really would like to sleep soon. I'm just not sure that I can get away with it without serious drama.
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I walked for a little more than an hour this morning after walking Cordelia to the bus stop (a careful twenty feet behind her). I went to the science and nature center and got bitten by more mosquitoes than I expected to see this time of year. I then walked a bit further up the road to the two portals near the golf course. (There's one actually on the course, about 80 meters from the road, but I think no one ever goes after it. I think I've only seen it captured once in the two years I've been playing. There isn't a fence or no trespassing signs, but there are people actually playing golf, even at 7:30 in the morning.)

I've been lying flat on my back at least twice a day for a while. The hard floor hurts, but it's the one thing I can do that makes my shoulders and neck release some tension. Lying on a more yielding surface doesn't do it. I can only tolerate a few minutes of lying on the floor at a time. I've been tempted to try a little alcohol to see if that will help those muscles relax, but I'm taking Tylenol at least once a day for the elbow pain (can't sleep at all without it). I'm not willing to trade shoulder/neck tension, even at these levels, for liver damage.

I did no writing this weekend. I was kind of frustrated about it, but I can't write anything at all when Cordelia's reading over my shoulder, and I don't seem to be able to wedge things into the times when she's not sitting next to me.

I have six interlibrary loan books that I want to finish and return. I've also got a couple of books that can't be renewed. I'm trying to work on some of the audiobooks I've got on my laptop, too. It's just that those take so very, very long to get through.

I think I didn't quite get the cold Scott had. He's still coughing a lot, but I'm better already. Cordelia was feeling a bit off over the weekend, too, but she didn't mention it this morning.
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I successfully performed a summon-repairman ritual this morning. The window for him to come started an hour ago. I lay down with the idea of napping because I was nodding off. Less than five minutes in, I got the call from his company saying that he'd be here in about twenty minutes. I had to wait half an hour after that for the guy to arrive, but the actual repair took under ten minutes, even with the paperwork.

I tried napping yesterday afternoon. I was just so utterly exhausted that I desperately needed it. Sadly, I didn't fall asleep until I only had about half an hour left before I had to be up. I had hoped for more given that I had almost three hours and took a Halcion. I got up to use the bathroom once, but, other than that, I was undisturbed.

I haven't had a walk yet today. One of Cordelia's more distant friends from her old school was with us for the last twenty minutes before time to go, and I didn't want to accompany the girls because I thought it might embarrass Cordelia even if I was just going in the same general direction rather than officially walking with them. This was the first time taking the bus to school for this particular girl. She takes it home every day, but her mother usually drives her to school.

Scott has a nasty cold with sinus congestion and a sore throat. I'm hoping that I won't catch it, but I don't know that I've got much chance of avoiding it. He couldn't use his bi-PAP last night and so snored terribly and woke still feeling exhausted.

I made some reasonable progress on finishing one of my stories for [community profile] weissvsaiyuki last night. It's very near to the ending unless I decide that it needs an explicit sex scene. I was going to have one, but then I realized that all of the plot pertinent stuff happening right then had zero to do with the sex and flowed much better if I didn't try to put those details in.

Okay. Time to lie down again and see if I can sleep at all.
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Cordelia went out for a few hours this afternoon with her middle school friends. They've decided to alternate weeks with movie night on Friday one week and a Sunday afternoon gabfest the next. I think that one of the girls can't do things on Fridays, but I'm not sure.

Scott's asleep. At this point, I don't see a point in waking him at all until morning. He napped a little while Cordelia was out (he provided transportation both ways), but apart from that hour to hour and a half, he had been up for roughly twenty three hours when he lay down to sleep. I'll have to wake him for a little when I go to bed because I have to be able to see which medication bottles are which.

We went to Bob Evans for breakfast this morning after Scott got home and showered. After we got home from that, Scott did the grocery shopping while I started in on laundry. He did the library run after dropping Cordelia off at her friend's house.

Scott having had to work last night means that I still haven't tried taking two of the Halcion tablets to see how that affects my sleep. I'm not willing to do it unless he'll be there during the night and in the morning.

I wrote about 500 words last night. Sadly, I wrote it at the point when I should have been in bed and asleep, so I've been dragging all day. I keep looking at the floor and thinking about lying down there in spite of knowing how much doing that would hurt. I have no idea why my brain thinks the floor is more attractive than the couch. Maybe because I've tried the couch several times in the last two weeks?

We're going to try to figure out how to upgrade Cordelia's laptop. There are things she wants to do now that the machine is too old in terms of hardware to support, and we expect that high school will bring things she actually needs to do that need better hardware. If nothing else, she's taking digital photography later this year. I'm pretty sure we will have a hard time finding software for that that will work on a Macbook made in 2008.

Upgrading my laptop is going to have to wait. We still haven't paid off my current laptop or Cordelia's. We got them refurbished, so we didn't pay full price, but I'm not sure Scott's decision in that regard was necessarily wise because what he ended up getting was only a very little bit newer than what we used to have and stopped being able to advance in terms of OS within the first six months we had them. For me, it's less important because I mostly chat, do email, write, and browse the web. I don't stream much or play games. I don't need the latest bells and whistles in my word processor, not as long as other people can still open and read my documents if I share them.

Scott's thrilled at the idea of me not doing Yuletide. He says that all I talk about during the writing period is my story and that that makes him feel like I'm not actually present. I pointed out that I'm always thinking of stories and that I'm happier when I'm writing. I should have added that I just talk to him about the Yuletide stories because he often knows the fandoms and because they're almost never smut. I do 90% of my writing for any exchange/challenge at points when I'm alone, but my brain never stops churning with story ideas.

I need to try to find a chance to talk to him about this when Cordelia's not around. I feel like I don't have all that much that's mine and like he's saying I shouldn't have anything if it attracts attention. I'm pretty sure that's not what he means, but it's still hurtful and pisses me off.
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My body's being obnoxious on the menstrual front, and I really want to sleep. It's Thursday, though, so I have a lot to do before the cleaning lady comes two hours from now. I did try to nap for about three hours, but the phone rang twice, and I had to get up twice to pee, and Scott was not quiet at all while he showered. When I realized that it had been three hours, I got up to get going on the things I need to do. I have two loads of laundry to wash, and I need to run the dishwasher. I need to find a few bits of paperwork and then deal with them.

I think that September's word count is going to be the low for so far this year. It was about 4700 the last time I checked, and I haven't written since then. If I can get myself writing again in the next couple of weeks, I'll be much more likely to sign up for Yuletide. If I can't, it's probably a sign that I'd not be able to handle an assignment.

Some time yesterday, I lost the Ingress portal that I'd held for 128 days. I got a badge a 90 days and was hoping to get the last badge at 150 days. The Guardian badge is almost 100% luck, though. All you can do is to keep recharging things and hope that no one comes by to knock them over. Really active and/or passionate players tend to have more trouble keeping a Guardian portal because equally passionate folks on the other side will seek out potential Guardian portals for those people just to take them out. I didn't expect to keep this particular portal as long as I ended up doing because it was one that I dropped a single resonator on as we drove by on our way through a town I'd never been in before. Things reachable from a car driving by don't last.

I have two portals at about 45 days each which might, in theory at least, get to the 150 day mark. I shan't hold my breath on them, either, but I'll keep recharging them as long as they're mine.

I would like to go and wander around North Campus, playing Ingress, some morning while the weather's cool enough that I can bear it but not yet so cold that my lungs can't handle it. I could catch a bus that way after dropping Cordelia off in the morning, but I worry about getting there and suddenly really needing a bathroom. The university has a couple of libraries there, but I'm not sure of their hours or of whether they require showing ID to get in. I suppose that's something I should be able to research. It just would suck to be 45 minutes from a bathroom and need one desperately.

From a certain point of view, the best time for me to go and do things is in the very early morning when I'm out of the house anyway. That means I don't have to work myself up to leaving home again. Stepping out the door at all is generally the hardest part. Temperature wise, it tends to be better then or a couple of hours after dark (and the buses aren't very useful that late). But, some days, some time between 8 a.m. and 10:30 a.m., I spend 45 minutes to an hour really needing to have access to a bathroom.

I saw my psychiatrist on Tuesday. She gave me a prescription for more Halcion and suggested that I try taking two tablets at some point so that I know whether or not that's an option if I'm stressed out enough that one tablet doesn't help me at all. I will probably try that Saturday night because Scott will be home that night and I won't need to be up at any particular time on Sunday. He'll be working Friday night, so that's not an option. He won't work Sunday night, but I have to be up at 5 on Monday morning.
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Cordelia's having some pain at the hinge of her jaw, so Scott and I will be taking her to the dentist tomorrow afternoon. She also says her teeth are cold sensitive. I suspect that she's clenching and/or grinding at night since that's generally what gives me that sort of trouble.

I like Scott being awake and energetic in the evenings, so that's a positive for working third shift. The negative is that I have to be super quiet all day so as not to risk waking him. I'm even hesitating to make tea because of the noise of the whistle.

My left elbow is hurting a lot. Even when I'm not using the arm or hand, it sometimes hurts enough to make me mutter. The doctor recommended cold packs, but those hurt worse while I'm applying them and don't make things better after, so I'm wondering if I should try heat. That will be a bit harder because Scott moved my rice pack, and I'll have to find it. The elbow is bad enough to wake me if I move wrong, but I discovered this morning that, if I lie on my right side with a pillow between my arm and my body, the damned thing doesn't hurt. It's not ideal because I'm still feeling too warm most of the time and because the rest of my body doesn't like staying in that position, but it's better than nothing.

I have pulled out my sling. It can be useful in reminding me not to try to pick things up with that hand, but it also seems to make things worse in the long term. There's something about the angle and about how close in to my body the sling is that just doesn't work right. Possibly, I need a sling that holds the arm about three inches out from my torso.

I think that I have a solution to the problem of my c-PAP headgear sliding off-- I loosened the straps just a tiny bit, and now the dratted thing stays in place better. It's counterintuitive, but I've had it that way for two or three nights now, and it is better.

Sleep is still not great. Halcion has an effect, but it's not what my doctor said it would do. The stuff is supposed to be very short acting and hit me like a ton of bricks. It doesn't make me more immediately sleepy, but I am tending to stay asleep longer before I wake up to pee. The downside of that is that I'm getting up for that too close to when I have to get up for the day to be able to sleep again. When that's ten minutes, it's not such a big deal. When it's more than an hour... That's enough to matter.
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I nominated for Yuletide last night. I ran into a problem of wanting to nominate something I don't own that's relatively recent. I couldn't remember the names of the characters I wanted to nominate, and I didn't want to nominate just the two I could find named online. There's a copy on the shelf at one of the library branches (not the one we'll go to to pick up our holds), but getting there would be more than I want to ask of Scott today. He drove Cordelia and her friends to a movie and has now taken her out for groceries. We need to visit the downtown library in the next three and a half hours. I think the lawn needs mowing pretty desperately, too. I've washed Scott's work clothes. The dishwasher is running. I showered and took care of the essential phone call I was waiting for. I'd like to wash a load of regular laundry by the end of the day.

At any rate-- Yuletide nominations: LEGO Star Wars: The Freemaker Adventures, Baba Yaga's Assistant, and (a request from Scott) Kerbal Space Program. I just don't have the energy at the moment to want anything strongly so I was looking for things that just might be good springboards for fic as opposed to being things I pine for. The Freemaker Adventures are silly enough to be fun but have enough plot and characterization to hang interesting stories from. Baba Yaga's Assistant is a short graphic novel aimed at kids. I think that exploring an ordinary(ish) teenager working for Baba Yaga would be fascinating. I thought about The Time Museum, but that's the one I'd have to either buy or get from the library in order to get the character names. I thought about Ursula Vernon's Hamster Princess books, but I didn't want those enough to get up and go to the bedroom to check the character names, so I just asked Scott if there was a small fandom he'd like fic for. He asked for Kerbal and gave me some character names. I'm not against fic for Kerbal. It could be fun. I think I've got enough sense of the game from Scott playing it to understand a fic. I don't know that I'd try to write one, but there are sure to be a lot of things nominated that I can write.

My nominations haven't been reviewed yet, so I could still change my mind, but I doubt I will. I'm too creatively exhausted for it. The fact that I don't have any writing deadlines now is a huge relief.

I still don't have a giftfic for Captive Audience, and waiting for that is delaying the archive opening. The announcement said that they're just waiting for one fic, and I don't have one, so... I feel bad about it but am not really prepared to say that it doesn't matter and to go ahead and open things. I feel like I should say that, though, and not be a bother. They're now saying Monday at midnight for the opening, so forty eight hours late.

I took a full tablet (0.25 mg) of Halcion last night and don't feel groggy today. I fear that that's because I got a bit more than eight hours of sleep rather than because it making me groggy on Friday was a fluke. I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to be able to get eight hours on a school night because Cordelia and Scott aren't respecting my need to. I'm not sure how much clearer I can make it to Scott. Cordelia... Well, she's actually needing me, so that's harder.

Cordelia's best friend visited yesterday and stayed until about 10 p.m. Both girls really seemed to enjoy the chance to spend time together. They're at different schools now. The other girl's family is still hoping to buy a house and move out of student family housing (the mother graduated three or four years ago but still works at the U. There's very little demand for those apartments now, so they've been allowed to stay). The last I heard, they were hoping for a place within walking distance of us. I think they'd still want their daughter at her current high school, but visiting would be so much easier. Right now, it takes about half an hour of bus riding with a transfer or two and is a much longer walk.
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I used a half tablet of Halcion last night and don't feel hungover/groggy today. I'm not sure that it helped me sleep, though, so it may be a tradeoff. I'll try a whole tablet tonight and see how that goes given that I should be able to sleep myself out tomorrow. The whole tablet Thursday night did help me sleep, so I'd like to know if the fatigue on Friday was from the Halcion or just from it being the end of a trying week with less sleep than I actually need.

Scott and I are poking at Steam to see if there are games there that Cordelia might like (and be willing to have us know that she's playing). He's used Steam for a while, and I never have. I'm frustrated because I can't get the searching interface to do what I think it ought to, because I can't make it cough up a complete list of searchable tags or categories. I'm also not seeing any sort of label that indicates a target age range or levels of gore, sex, profanity, etc. Cordelia says she doesn't want any of those things, so sorting in a way to eliminate them would be beyond helpful.

I don't think this entirely me because Scott was having trouble with it last night. It may just be that neither of us know the code words that would tell us what's what. He mostly does combat stuff, board/card games, and the like. Things Cordelia's decidedly not interested in.

Scott and I are thinking that Cordelia might like something in the vein of a visual novel. Assuming we can find one that has a female protagonist, no graphic sex or violence or horror elements, and isn't romance/dating focused. Cordelia has informed me that she's not interested in hidden object games (I tried to sell her on the Dark Parables series which I enjoyed and which otherwise fit what she seems to want-- no time pressure, no risk of losing due to making a mistake, no reflex tests or need for eye-hand coordination, no gore, no explicit sex, no swearing, etc.)

I'm not sure whether Cordelia's really not interested in having any romance or just isn't interested in us knowing that she is.

Scott is trying desperately to get his payment information changed in a dozen different places where he'd pay monthly bills via Discover (his card number was used for Lyft several times last Saturday while he was at work so new number). Verizon has locked him out because he couldn't answer a security question that he's absolutely and utterly certain that he wouldn't have chosen because it's something that he doesn't have an accurate answer for (What was his first school). I think he got Netflix and Hulu updated. Discover very kindly sent him a list of places he's been making regular payments to. Verizon's just being unpleasant.

We were a bit freaked when the new card arrived because the front was blank apart from the Discover name and logo. They're now printing the number and name and expiration on the back and not bothering with raised type. We were sure, at first, that they'd just sent a completely blank card. Why on earth put the information on the back? I can't imagine that's actually more secure since turning the card over is beyond easy.
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Last night, I tried Halcion to help me get to sleep. My psychiatrist prescribed me fourteen 0.25 mg tablets with instructions to take between 1/2 tablet and two tablets. I took half a tablet and then got distracted for forty five minutes by an urgent email. I could tell the medication was affecting me because I was making more typos, but I didn't feel tired. About fifteen minutes after I sent the email, I took the other half of the tablet.

I slept until Scott's alarm six hours later. After I left Cordelia at the crosswalk, I went as far as the church to hack the portal there, but I didn't go further because I was really tired. I came home and went back to bed. I was interrupted twice, but I actually did sleep. I got up two minutes before my 10:00 alarm (to remind me to start making lunch). I'm still tired enough to be tempted to go back to sleep, but I think my brain is working, and I'm going to see if food helps any. Of course, using food to stay awake is a Bad Thing.

I think that, tonight, I'll stick with half a tablet and see how bad the hangover from that is. The sleepiness the next day is a known side effect, but it's not expected because the medication has a really short half-life, only two hours.

Yesterday was mostly given over to household chores (the cleaning lady came), Cordelia, and a beta read I promised to get done. Scott and Cordelia made a trip out to get more school supplies. I'm not sure where they went because the place we normally go to for that stuff was out of reach due to a police manhunt for a bank robber. According to MLive, the money he took had a tracker, and they knew he was on northbound 23. According to acquaintances who were out near where Scott normally get onto 23, both that street and 23 were parking lots.
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Looking at the bottle of Lunesta, I actually tried 2 mg Saturday night. I tried 3 mg last night, and it still did nothing at all. I'm going with Ativan tonight and hoping desperately that I can sleep. I'll give my psychiatrist a call tomorrow to ask what she recommends. If I feel no change at all in drowsiness with 3 mg of Lunesta, I can't imagine continuing with the Lunesta will do anything useful at all.

Yesterday was a very laid back day. We went to the library, and Scott went the Games Library Day in Ypsilanti. Apart from that, nothing much happened at all.

The library blog announced today that we won't have access to easy interlibrary loan through the MelCat system in between the 1st of October and some time next year because the online catalog is going to be updated and can't interact with the MelCat system at all until after that's done. That means they need enough lead time to return all MelCat books before the change and then time after to iron out all of the bugs in the new system. Since I've been going through MelCat for a lot of stuff recently, I'm not pleased. We'll still have some interlibrary loan options, but it will require going through the library staff.

I'm going to miss being able to stay up in the evening. The one person I chat with in AIM regularly is on the west coast and so not online before I'll be going to bed. This may be an issue because she's the one I'm most likely to babble at about fics. The combination of me flitting from fandom to fandom as a writer (and most of those being small or old) with me often writing darkfic with potentially squicky content (mostly noncon but sometimes with kink, too) makes finding someone to talk to hard.

I need a to be able to babble about story details in order to keep writing. I find doing that in chat or in person much more useful than comments or email. Group chat isn't great because I can't be sure that I'm not going to cross a line in terms of the comfort of some of the people in there (right now, I can't do one on one in IRC because I haven't managed to find a program that will work for me. The web access is... not great at all). Also, I'm often writing exchange stories that require anonymity with no way to be sure whether or not my recipient is there.
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I took 1 mg of Lunesta last night and, within about fifteen minutes, actually felt more awake than I had been before I took it. I slept about the way I'd have expected to if I hadn't taken anything at all. I think it took about an hour after I took the medication for me to fall asleep, and I was up a couple of times during the night to use the bathroom. I also roused frequently in order to shift position (this is normal for me). I don't know if it's that the dosage is insufficient or if Lunesta simply isn't going to help. I really wish that I'd been able to try it sooner so that I could have talked to my doctor before Monday night which will be a make or break thing.

Scott, knowing Murphy's Law as it applies to me and medications, was at least half expecting it to make me manic. (It has happened before with things that are normally sedating.) It didn't do that, but it didn't do anything even remotely helpful, either.

Ambien is not a viable option for me or we'd have tried that first. My genetic profile turned up potentially major problems with me taking it, but there weren't any known contraindications there for Lunesta. I can't take melatonin because it gives me headaches that last for days (though it does improve my sleep). Benadryl doesn't make me sleepy.

I got very achy as the day went on yesterday, and I'm still that way this morning. I'm at the levels of resting pain that I had when I was working. I know, now, that it's a problem of anxiety primarily and of sleep quality secondarily. Sadly, that doesn't help me do anything about it because I know from experience that there's not anything I can take that will decrease the pain. I'm finding it harder to deal with now because I'm no longer used to it as normal.

I've just gone out as a last minute pinch hit for [personal profile] captiveaudience. I'm sad about that but not hugely surprised since I could see that I hadn't gotten a story yet. The exchange has had some problems finding pinch hitters, mostly because almost nobody is following it but the participants (between twenty and twenty five people signed up). I'm not sure how likely it is that pinch hitters will be found for these last two. My fandoms are almost all old or tiny, so my bet now is that I'll end up either with a story for The Flash (TV 2014) or for Original Work, with the former more likely because of the amount of work needed to do the latter well. (I also requested Weiss Kreuz, The Pretender, Chronicles of Amber, and Princess Tutu. I would not expect to match on any of those now.)

The other pinch hit is looking for Teen Wolf, Merlin, Agents of SHIELD, Fairy Tales, or Red Eye (2005). I've not heard of that last fandom before.
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I feel about as tired now as I did when I went to bed. I'm a bit more alert and considerably less achy, but I still feel exhausted. I stayed up until midnight, and I got up about 9:00. I tried last night without either Ativan or Lunesta (and skipped the Zyrtec, going back to the Claritin instead). Potential medical TMI )

I'm also trying to find someone we know locally who might want the bottle of Zyrtec. Scott uses Allegra, and I really can't use the remaining 69 pills in the bottle. Scott got cranky and told me that he hadn't realized this was a test of whether or not I could take the stuff, that he wouldn't have bought the big, $25 bottle if he'd realized. I'm pretty sure that exactly what I said to him was, "My doctor wants me to try Zyrtec instead of Claritin. Please buy some." Well, exactly but with the doctor's name in place of 'my doctor.' He does the shopping, so he knows that I've been taking Claritin for years without trying anything else.

I can only assume that he's as exhausted as I am. He's working really long days, and family stuff (I'll talk about that under lock) is getting stressful enough that being at home isn't downtime.

Last night, some folks from the other side in Ingress came through and took down all of the science center portals. I'm going to try to haul myself over there to take them back, but the so, so tired side of things may win. I'm told by other players on our side that this was likely retaliation for people on our side of things having started to regularly go and take down certain areas where these players keep building things up. Which makes sense, but I'm still irritated that it happened while Scott was asleep (he's working 3 a.m. to 3 p.m. today) and couldn't help me try to hold onto anything.

I'm not happy with my Captive Audience story. I think it needs another 5000 to 10000 words in order to really be complete, but I don't have the time for it before the deadline, so I'm trying to get what I've got to the point that it's acceptable to post. If all goes well, I'll have time for editing and, possibly, expansion next week, after Cordelia starts school and before the reveal, but I really need a bus draft. Right at the moment, I'm dithering about whether or not to chapter the dratted thing. The natural breaks don't really lend themselves to equal chapters. There'd be one three times longer than the next longest. I thought there was a break in the middle of it, but at that point, each paragraph depends on the preceding one in order to make sense, so a chapter break would damage the flow.

I'm in less of a hurry about the tags and the blurb.
the_rck: (Default)
I over did things yesterday. After I left Medequip at about 11:20, I walked for a bit more than an hour. This was more tiring than it would normally be because I had my c-PAP, my purse, and a bag with a book and my full water bottle. The c-PAP was mostly willing to stay hanging from my shoulder, but the other two kept slipping down. I have no idea how far I walked (Scott has been promising me a fit-bit equivalent for over a year. He says 'real soon,' but I don't believe him) because Ingress is very inexact on that. It counts in kilometer increments and includes any distance registered by the GPS as being at a possible walking pace rather than counting steps.

I was lucky in that a bus to downtown arrived less than two minutes after I got to the stop and that it got me downtown at a time when I didn't need to wait for the bus home.

I was so tired by the time I got home, though, that I didn't move much for the rest of the day.

I'm progressing on my Captive Audience story again. It's at 10K words now, and I have no idea how to end it or even exactly what I need to have happen first. I don't think I have Lima or Stockholm syndrome yet. It's very clearly going to happen, but it hasn't yet. I should have remembered that, while I like writing this sort of thing, I can't write it short. I have to have the story ready to post tomorrow. I fear that will mean no beta read (I may not even have the time to go over it for typos. I usually need a week between finishing writing and being able to see typos).

I'm not entirely sure that I can find the end of the damned story before the deadline.

I tried taking Zyrtec last night instead of Claritin (my primary care doctor suggested it). I've been a groggy zombie today, so I'm inclined to got back to Claritin. She thought Zyrtec might be more effective than the Claritin has been in dealing with the occasional problems I've been having with sinus irritation from the c-PAP. The other-- and more major thing-- against continuing to take the Zyrtec is that it's apparently a very bad combination with Lunesta. I told my pcp that I was likely to take Lunesta, but I'm not sure I mentioned the Zyrtec to my psychiatrist the next day, and my pcp pretty clearly wanted me to be taking something else than Lunesta. I think she somehow didn't understand that things that make me more tired and less able to think during the day are not things I will continue to take, not unless stopping will kill me.

My hope is to try the Lunesta at a very low dose tonight and see how it affects me.

The new c-PAP mask is much more comfortable and less anxiety inducing than the old one. The hose attaches at the top of my head now, so I don't have to try to hold onto it in order to keep the bit on my nose from shifting to a point that I can't breathe properly. The part that goes over my nose just covers the whole thing instead of needing to be placed with the right bits in each nostril. I guess we'll see how it goes. I'm pretty sure I slept better last night than I have any other time with a c-PAP.
the_rck: (Default)
The appointment with my psychiatrist went well. She's more on my side with regard to the supposed magic of medication to fix me than my primary care doctor is. I think it's that my pcp isn't used to dealing with people who've tried lots of psychoactives with no benefit and really thinks that throwing the right new medication at me will magically solve every single problem that interacts with my anxiety. So no on the tricyclics and SNRIs.

I've taken two tricyclics in the past. I'd forgotten about the second because I was using it off label for bladder problems. That was Tofranil which didn't change my anxiety and kept me from sleeping if I took it at night. Elavil lowered my blood pressure enough that I felt wobbly walking around the house and also didn't change my anxiety.

So we're going to try Lunesta and see if I can tolerate it and if it will let me sleep while Scott and Cordelia are still up. I'll be eating dinner at 5:00 and going to bed at 9:00. This, naturally, will make all the dietary adjustments much less likely to happen because I'm going to be preparing all of my own food with all of the restrictions that my lack of physical resources imposes.

I gave my psychiatrist an ordered list of my health priorities. I need to email it to my primary care doctor, too. It's as follows:

Being able to think.
Cordelia's needs (Yes, this isn't my health, but... It only comes in behind being able to think because I need that to be able to help her).
Headaches (which make it hard to think).
c-PAP/improved sleep.
Fatigue/energy levels (this and the sleep may relate/interact, but I suspect that they're separate enough to merit listing separately).
Exercise.
Anxiety (this and exercise are pretty much even).
Pain in general.
Reflux.
Blood sugar control.
IBS.

If my oncologist tells me to do something different or if I find another lump, all of this goes out the window, of course, but this is the order of importance because I can't do things farther down the list unless I handle the things higher up first. As my psychiatrist said, the things higher up are the fires that will burn down my house the fastest. The blood sugar could still potentially turn into a fire, but getting my sleep and exercise in order is almost certainly going to help that.

The IBS is inconvenient, yes, and sometimes means taking a cab to places instead of the bus, but, honestly, the things it's stopped me doing have generally been things that I didn't particularly want to do because I had something less officially urgent but more personally urgent that I needed to get done. If it gets worse, I'll reconsider the priority I'm willing to give it.
the_rck: (Default)
I took a cab to UHS yesterday because it was raining. I took the bus home even though it was still raining (and raining harder). Part of that was that I wanted to get in a bit of a walk, even if it did mean getting wet.

Ingress is challenging right now because I no longer have the mid-range resonators that are hardest to get (at least for me). I can get lvl 1 and lvl 2, but 3-6 are harder.

Medical stuff-- pain, fatigue, medication, and food )
the_rck: (Default)
I'm up early after not nearly enough sleep because I got smacked with a migraine overnight. Amerge and caffeine seem to be beating it back, but going back to bed won't work for a while yet. I haven't slept since about half an hour before Scott's alarm went off.

I didn't take Ativan last night. I don't know if using the c-PAP without it contributed to the migraine or not.

I did a little writing last night, but I feel like I'm groping in fog to find the characters. I'm firmly in one POV, and that character can only guess at who the other character is which isn't helpful because it means I haven't defined him clearly in my own head. I'm also flip-flopping on what the POV character is willing to do to achieve her goals, and I feel like the story is already too long.

I don't think I'm going to finish the treat I started for Captive Audience by the exchange deadline. I expect the recipient would still want it if I finish it later on. It's a tiny fandom, so not many people were likely to read it anyway.

I'm looking at my holds list at the library and trying to figure out how I ended up with four movies and a season of anime all to pick up on Sunday. There's a waitlist on the anime series and on one of the movies, so I guess I give those top priority. At least the anime is only twelve episodes.
the_rck: (Default)
Scott and I set out about 9:30, and we got home with Cordelia a bit after 8:00. It was a really long drive. Scott and I listened to podcasts and an audiobook on the way up. The Hamilton soundtrack played the entire way back because Cordelia finds it soothing and because Scott and Cordelia both sing along with the whole thing.

We got to the area near Interlochen about an hour before we were to pick Cordelia up, so we got lunch at the only restaurant we could find. It wasn't terrible. It also wasn't great. I finished my meal still feeling hungry and without any options for more food.

The Interlochen campus is really nice. I'd have liked to look around more (and the unclaimed Ingress portals only had a little bit to do with it), but Cordelia was really eager to get out of there.

Scott's parents invited us to stop by on our way home, and we did. The timing worked out that we arrived a little after 6:00, so they fed us dinner-- chicken, asparagus, mashed potatoes, and salad.

I dropped my Ativan tablet last night and couldn't find it (those things are tiny!), so I slept without it. I was exhausted enough that I slept soundly until Scott's alarm. After he got up, I didn't get back to sleep until he left. That wasn't because of him. It was me feeling too warm then too cold then having my neck hurt then... Well, on and on.

My allergy trouble hasn't come back. I'm hoping it won't, but the cleaning lady coming today may set me off again because the various cleaning products cause me problems breathing (one of the big reasons we have her come in).

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