the_rck

I'm going to try to do a bunch of smaller updates because, each time I look at trying to sum up what's going on and what's happened, I stall out without starting or start and don't finish.

So, summer of 2019 has sucked and has gotten worse as the weeks passed. I think that the combination of anxiety and pain with the meds I'm taking to deal with both (propranolol, wellbutrin, Tylenol, CBD (both oral and topical), and naproxen) is making it hard for me to focus enough to get anything done. Not that I'd likely get anything done without the meds. I just might feel less as if this instant in time is unconnected to anything else.

Basically, it's really hard to get myself to start anything or to keep going after I do. It doesn't feel like depression so much as it feels like a very pleasant mental disconnection. I'm kind of wondering if the CBD oil that I bought at Plum Market still contains some residual THC. The disconnection is much pleasanter than the physical pain, though, and that's bad enough that I can't do things because I can't get my hands to cooperate.

I have an appointment with orthopedics about my hands tomorrow. I don't think the appointment will do anything except get me another appointment. From what they said three years ago, the only remaining intervention is surgery which might help pain but also might decrease function. I might get decreased function with no relief from the pain.

I'm also not sure that surgery will be an option given the likelihood that I have EDS-h. I healed okay from gallbladder surgery and from the lumpectomy, but this is a joint. If surgery is a viable option, I would go for my left hand (I'm right handed) and see how that healed. My definition of decreased function might be different from that being used by the medical folks. If I simply stop getting spikes of pain in the middle of doing things like brushing my teeth, I would consider that increased function even if my grip is weaker.

Scott and I are looking at the logistics of celebrating our anniversary and realizing that we should have done so last weekend. I can't eat out for dinner unless I go for something like pancakes, and Scott and Cordelia will be going on a trip this coming weekend and so not be available for lunch either day. Basically, the first day we could manage going out for lunch together is the 6th of July.

I had a PT appointment yesterday. I walked in the building for about half an hour before and for about fifteen minutes after, but I hadn't managed to pack myself a lunch, so I didn't stay out nearly as long as I would have otherwise. I considered buying lunch but really didn't want to spend the money.

Scott's father will be coming down tomorrow to do some yard work. Cordelia and I will have to pay attention to make sure he doesn't overdo. He's apt to do the thing that I do in terms of keeping going 'just a little longer' because of knowing that we can't start up again later.

We stopped at Plum Market on Sunday so that I could look at their CBD products. They only carry one brand of edibles-- Gold Formula-- and they're kind of horrifyingly expensive for something that I want to try but might not be able to go on with. The liquid stuff is flavored with several things I can't have, so I'm looking at gummies and capsules. One type of capsule had something in it that I can't have (I don't recall what). The other was $90 for 60 or $22 for 10. These contain olive oil which is iffy for me.

I got the box with 10 capsules to see if I can take one without reflux. I took one this morning. I suspect that my current digestive discomfort has more to do with anxiety than with having taken the capsule, but I'll try again either tomorrow or Thursday.

I also got some gummies that have half as much CBD as the capsules. They taste terrible (I tried one Sunday and one yesterday) but contain nothing that gives me problems. I didn't notice the gummies having an impact on my pain levels or general anxiety. I think the lotion may end up being my best option in terms the intersection between price and effectiveness.

I will also look to see what other stores in the area have started carrying CBD products. I've heard that Kroger is going to.

Last night, I got an email from the local science and nature center (where Cordelia attended camp for years) saying that they've relocated this summer's camp programs to a different site because soil samples sent in from where they were planning to put up a play structure showed chemical/heavy metal contamination. They're fencing off parts of the place and may close the park entirely, depending on the results of wider testing.

Apparently the land once housed a petrochemical lab. That was long gone when we moved here in the 90s, so I hadn't realized. The owner donated the land (it's named after him), and one of the main buildings was constructed in the same footprint as the lab.

The last week was just one damned thing after another. They were all annoying rather than horrible, but they added up to leave me mentally/emotionally frayed.

The mammogram was clear. I probably won't ever quite trust the results of a mammogram because of my personal history with them missing things, but they're simply not all that reliable before menopause. My period started the day of my mammogram which explained the migraines of the previous couple of days.

I didn't get rid of the migraine until Thursday morning. At that point, Cordelia was sick with something minor that needed a prescription. Scott had to go into work late because I was too done in to trust my ability to get me and Cordelia to the urgent care clinic. Thursday was stressful in a lot of small ways that added up to be nasty.

Our cleaning lady told me that she'll be away for at least three weeks in August. She said something about going to pray. I'm wondering, given the timing, if she's going on the Hajj. I will have to ask. I wonder if there's a gift that's appropriate to give to someone who's doing that sort of pilgrimage.

Cordelia and Scott want to get haircuts today. I don't think I need one, but I may go anyway because I'm thinking that I'll keep trims tied to when Scott gets them. That way, I don't have to judge when my hair is getting too long.

I did a lot of walking around on Tuesday, after my mammogram. I kept going because it helped my headache a bit. After a certain point, the headache started reasserting itself. I submitted four potential Ingress portals. Two have been rejected and one accepted. The fourth is still under review.

Cordelia and her friends spent yesterday afternoon out and about. Scott and I did the grocery shopping after he dropped her off. We even took back our returnables, almost $30 worth of cans.

I spent the last two or three days searching for the library book I meant to read next, but apparently I returned it accidentally because it no longer appears on my list of items checked out. There's no waitlist, so I can get it again. I'm just not sure how I ended up returning it. Possibly it fell out of my bag while I was at PT on Monday?

I am really liking the CBD lotion. If I put some on my neck and shoulder at bedtime, I sleep much better and longer than I do without. If I use it on my hands and am careful, I can spend a lot more time without the thumb splints.

I've got one story to write that has a due date, one story that's in the final (I hope) stages of editing, and my Fandom Trumps Hate story. There are several dozen other things that I'd also love to work on, but I need to focus on the thing with the due date because it's still very amorphous in my head. I'm wandering around the outer edges of a Doylist plot caldera (it's way too big to call a plot hole) and want to map it without it blowing up in my face.

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February 2023

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