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My hands have been hurting more the last few days than they have at any point since I stopped taking Tamoxifen. I think that lack of sleep makes that worse. I had to wear splints on both hands yesterday due to the pain. I hope I don't need that today because the only splints that aren't in the bedroom (where Scott is sleeping) are the massive ones. They work, but they make my shoulders hurt from the weight, and I suspect that wearing on my left hand would do nasty things to my bad elbow.

I'm trying to make a reasonable grocery list. I don't know when Scott will do the shopping. Saturday evenings are terrible for that because things we want are often simply not there. Sunday morning would be better in that regard, but that would mean shopping on his way home from work, and that means going somewhere other than the store we usually go to. That only matters for the breakfast sausages where we've found only one kind (the Kroger store brand brown sugar flavor) that I can handle. If he can find Jennie-o (sp?) sausages somewhere, some of their turkey sausages used to be okay, but Kroger hasn't had those in a very long time. The problem is that all brands simply list 'spices' in the ingredients rather than saying what those spices are. Some things, like black pepper, edge into the making me sick territory. I can handle a very small amount but not nearly as much as is in most sausages.

One of Scott's parents has had to have minor foot surgery. The emails come from a joint address, are written in the first person singular, and are signed with both of their names, so we're not actually sure, and neither Scott nor I feel quite right asking.
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I got about seven hours of sleep last night, all with the c-PAP. I'm noticing that I sleep more lightly during the second half of the night when I use the c-PAP all night. My guess is that the Ativan is wearing off and that I'm still not quite beyond the anxiety freak out stage of wearing the gear. I'm very, very tired today. I feel like I shouldn't be because I did sleep, but I really am.

Cordelia had an appointment at 9:45 this morning. I tried to get it earlier so that Scott would be home and in bed earlier, but the doctor simply wasn't available. Still, that's early enough that a lot of parking structures downtown (where the appointment was) limit parking severely to discourage commuters.

I've got one call I must make today and a second that I really should make today. I don't want to deal with either, and being tired makes it all that much harder. As a way of indicating how much I don't want to make the calls, I've been filling out forms in preference.

Cordelia needs to be in bed earlyish tonight because she has a volunteer shift at the downtown library at 9 a.m. Scott will likely be able to drive her in before he goes to bed, but I'd like her to take the bus if she can so that he doesn't have to stay up an extra hour.

My step-father is scheduled for his eye procedure at 1:30 tomorrow afternoon. Mom suggested we all (except Scott) get lunch beforehand. Since Cordelia's volunteer shift will end at 11:00, I suspect that we'll end up meeting her downtown right about then. I need to come up with a list of options because just wandering around to find something that looks good would use up our time rapidly. There are so very many restaurants in that general area, three or four a block.

My hands and my left elbow are still giving me a lot of trouble. I'm not sure what to do about it. I need to use them, but anything heavier than my cell phone is bad for my hands, and moving the elbow hurts even when my hand is empty, enough so that I'm thinking of digging out a sling to see if that helps.
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I didn't write anything yesterday, just let ideas roll around in the back of my mind. Instead, I inventoried our canned goods cupboard and had Scott help me inventory the upstairs freezer. He had been trying to tell me that we had no frozen green beans upstairs, but we came up with four bags (and there are two in the basement freezer). I think the hard part will be getting Cordelia to update the inventory lists when she takes things out.

I threw out a number of things from the cupboard where we keep the cans. The cookie mix we bought back when Cordelia was two might conceivably still have been edible, but I rather suspect that the ingredients had gone off. It didn't seem worth holding onto it given that I've looked at it regularly over the years and constantly decided that I wasn't up to making cookies. I can't physically handle more than a single cookie sheet going in and out once.

I haven't decided whether to try to keep track of the contents of the fridge or of any of the other cupboards, but I might weed our herbs and spices. We have some still unopened bottles of various things from the spice rack a friend gave us as a wedding present twenty four years ago. If we haven't opened them in that time, we're not going to, and most likely they're not very flavorful any more.

I slept kind of poorly last night. I was in bed about seven and a half hours, but I'm not sure how much I slept. I'm feeling really kind of groggy now in spite of food and caffeine, but the headache I woke with has mostly receded. I got up this morning when Scott went to bed because that pretty thoroughly woke me.

Our friend, [livejournal.com profile] cherydactyl, came over for a few hours yesterday. We played and won a game of Forbidden Desert. Neither she nor I had played before. Scott had played once and so knew a couple of pitfalls that we needed to avoid to survive. After that, we hung out and talked for a while.

Both hands and my left elbow were hurting a lot most of yesterday. I think that the hands started up because I read a couple of volumes of manga. Those aren't heavy, but apparently my hands don't like even something that light. All of the reading stands I've seen online are either flimsy or horribly expensive. Because I do most of my reading in the living room, I either need a floor stand or have to keep moving my laptop (not sure to where) in order to put the stand on my table. Laying the book on the couch next to me and looking down at it to read tends to hurt my back and neck, so I'd rather not do that or a pillow on my lap.

My elbow may have also reacted to the reading, but I suspect that moving all of the cans out of the cupboard and then back in had an impact. I also vacuumed and washed the shelves. Those are down on the floor, so at least I wasn't reaching up.

I'm looking at signing up for [community profile] darkestnightex this year. I didn't last year but did a pinch hit for it. I'm mainly hesitating right now because I can only see one request, so far, that I'd be happy to write. Everything else, even in fandoms I'd normally consider, is stuff I'd go out of my way to avoid matching on. It's mostly a case of not being able to wrap my head comfortably around the requested freeforms in combination with the requested characters/pairings. Even if I could write all of the requests for fandoms I'm comfortable with, I think there'd only be half a dozen possible matches. Of course, sign ups haven't been open for quite two days yet and run through the 11th. Other options may turn up, so I'm putting some time into coming up with my requests. The freeforms are particularly challenging for me.
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I managed to finish the [community profile] pod_together fic last night about 11:00. I haven't posted it yet because it lacks a title. I'm also still hoping to hear back from my partner in the undertaking, but we're not in compatible time zones, so it's difficult.

I also need a tag that I can use for when a character talks to an externalized manifestation of their own psyche in order to hash out a problem. There must be one, right? Any suggestions?

I woke with a migraine this morning. I think it's a multi-factor thing. I slept less last night than I wanted to because Scott took forever (two hours!) getting ready for bed after I was ready to sleep. Then, when he came to bed, he kept doing stuff with his laptop until I asked him why he was still up and still keeping me up. I had some coughing, so I didn't dare use the c-PAP. I was stressed about the story and about the family gathering this afternoon (BIL's birthday), and a number of other things. There's also some indication that my body may be preparing for a period (though I'm skeptical because been spotting off and on since late June. If I didn't already have a gynecology appointment on the 9th, I'd probably have called already to see about setting one up).

The lack of sleep and stress are making me ache. I'm wearing thumb splints today because I can't do what I need to otherwise. I have to wrap the present for our BIL some time in the next half hour (Scott's trying to repair the dryer). We only have Christmas wrapping paper.

What I really want to do is to lie down and nap. There just isn't time.
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Cordelia's officially done with physical therapy for now. She admitted to us yesterday that she hasn't been doing her exercises because she's been utterly exhausted, so I'm a bit worried about things going forward.

She made it to the GSA bowling party only about forty five minutes after it started. She said it was a lot of fun but that only four out of the six members of her school's group made it. It was a multi-school event, so there were still a lot of people there.

The eighth graders are at Greenfield Village today. That's an outdoor historical recreation(ish) space an hour or so away from here. There's a large museum there, too, but people tend to go to one or the other. My sixth grade class, back in the late 1970s, spent a day at Greenfield Village. We were all supposed to dress up in nineteenth century clothing (or as close as we could get) for a short stint in a one room schoolhouse. I had a granny dress, so I was set. Mrs Pattinson, who was a very tall, thin woman in her fifties (or possibly sixties), looked very impressive as I recall. I have no recollection of what anyone else wore. I'm pretty sure that we used slates and facsimile primers.

I have no idea what activities Cordelia and her classmates will be undertaking. I look forward to her telling me about it.

I'm going to be spending a lot of time on laundry for the next few days. I'm not at all enthusiastic about it, especially when it comes to tomorrow, but I haven't got a choice. Cordelia can help on Saturday and Sunday. Scott's ability to help depends on whether or not he has to work the weekend. It'll be five loads today (one done, one in the dryer, one in the wash, two waiting). I'm hoping that subsequent days will only require three loads as that's a lot less exhausting.

My hands are hurting a lot, so I'm wearing my heaviest splints. Those will make putting the fitted sheet on the bed a challenge, but I don't think I can do it at all without some sort of splint. Things haven't been this bad since I stopped the Tamoxifen at the beginning of April.

I'm trying to figure out which of my library books I can finish quickly. I'm done with the one book due this week that can't be renewed, and there aren't any due next week that can't be renewed. I would like to get through some of these books or, at least, to read enough of some of them to know I don't want to go further.

I have three phone calls I should make today. Sadly, the easy one is also the least urgent.
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I think the end is in sight on weeding the email. I think I'll finish some time tomorrow. I hope so, anyway. We haven't tried to retrieve my music files yet, so I don't know how that will go.

There's a book sale at Cordelia's school today. I'm not sure if she remembered to take the money she intended to. I offered to go in during the hour and a half that the sale will be open after school, but she was against that idea.

Friday will be busy. Our nephew's graduation ceremony is that evening, and I have an doctor's appointment quite late in the day. I made that appointment a year ago, and changing it would mean not getting in for many, many months. I just hope that the appointment gets done at a reasonable time. It's at 3:30, and by noon, that clinic is generally an hour behind. I don't expect the appointment to take long once I actually see someone.

I napped this morning for about an hour. It would have been longer, but Scott called while I was deeply asleep to tell me that he was on his way home so that he could go to the doctor. He's got a pinched nerve, we think (pain, numbness, tingling, all at varying levels), and they told him Friday that, if it wasn't getting better, he needed to come in as soon as could be arranged. Yesterday, it got very bad in the afternoon/evening, and he figured out today that it wasn't that it was getting better so much as that the ibuprofen he had taken in the morning helped a lot.

I was both glad and sorry to be awoken. I was having anxiety dreams involving at least half a dozen different things that usually only occur one at a time in my dreams, but I was actually asleep and very desperately needed the sleep. Ah, well. Maybe I can nap tomorrow morning.
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I checked the shelves at the library yesterday and didn't find the CD that's been missing for months or the one that just disappeared. My best guess that both of them have fallen somewhere, either here or at the library, where nobody looks. I've searched everywhere I can think of here at home with no luck, and the likely places at the library aren't in areas where I can look. The new missing CD, naturally, continues the streak of me only misplacing CDs that I didn't enjoy listening to. It also can't be renewed, so I guess I'll be paying for it next weekend.

Mom arrived yesterday pretty much on time at 10 a.m. We talked for a little while then got in our car and drove to Bob Evans. When we got home, Scott worked on assembling the new grill he bought (the grates on the old one rusted through, and replacing them proved more expensive than buying a new, less fancy grill) while Mom and I talked, and Cordelia and her friend went to their volunteer orientation at the science center.

Mom mentioned having seen and loved Firefly and Serenity. That felt weird to me because she's usually down on SF stuff because of it reminding her of my father. She also talked about my step-father having a very traumatic encounter with an alligator while he was out kayaking. He went out alone for reasons that my mother wasn't clear on. She thought that part was unwise. Then he went to an area where he hadn't been before, with deeper water, and started seeing very, very large alligators. There was one on the shore that spotted him, rolled into the water, swam over, and then reared up on its tail to look down at him. He was sure he was going to die. Mom says he didn't stop obsessing about it for days.

I asked if it was likely a nesting mother, and Mom said that the time of year is right and that the circumstances rather sound like it.

I told Mom about the Sgt Pepper's/Star Wars (A New Hope only) mashup videos that I ran into earlier this week, and she wants the link. Scott adored the videos even though he only recognized two or three of the songs. The whole thing is here on YouTube. It's the entire album, so it's longish. People who know the album tend to be more impressed, but people who don't can enjoy them, too. They're captioned, too, which is rare for such things.

I made banana bread while we were hanging out. It's been years since I made it routinely, but I still remember the recipe without needing to open Joy of Cooking. The amounts of everything, including the final batter, looked too small until I realized that I used to make two loaves at a time and wasn't this time. The banana bread made a good snack for when the girls got back from orientation.

Cordelia tells me that she and her friend weren't the only middle school kids at the orientation. She'd been worried about that. I think that the fact that the camp accepts thirteen year old volunteers and almost no other volunteer opportunities do probably skews their pool younger. Cordelia's planning out her summer schedule with shifts at the library and at Food Gatherers. I'd probably have scheduled the camp first because that's two chunks of a week each. I wouldn't want to make scheduling those harder by committing to days here and there through the summer. She's already trying to figure out if it's feasible to do camp the week of her dentist appointment. She'd get done at 4:00. The appointment is at 4:15. If her father is home to drive, it's doable. If he's not, it's really, really not.

I wrote almost 600 words yesterday on chapter 7 of Auguries of Innocence. It needs some tweaking because I ignored one of the characters present, but it's progress. That chapter has been sitting for quite a long time. I still want to go back to my Fandom5K, but I'm also still not sure my level of exhaustion is conducive to being sensible about editing that. The currently posted version works reasonably well, I think. It could be better, but if I'm not physically/mentally up to it, the results won't be horrible or embarrassing.

Last night's experience with the c-PAP was better. At least, it didn't hurt. The hose was still a serious PITA, and I think that a four is too high for the humidity setting at this time of year, but I actually slept. I'm just low on sleep because Scott didn't let me go back to sleep after he got up. I may nap after Cordelia leaves for school because only five hours of sleep is just begging for a migraine by bedtime.

None of us have appointments today. Cordelia has PT tomorrow. I have two appointments on Wednesday and one on Friday. I'm hoping that this will be less stressful than the last three weeks were and that we don't add more appointments on for next week. At any rate, I have all day today and a good chunk of tomorrow to myself. Thursday is cleaning lady day, so even though there aren't any appointments, I can't really relax.

My chest pain is getting better. I made it worse yesterday by carrying a basket of laundry from our room to the top of the basement stairs (I made Scott do the up and down the stairs part) and by doing a lot of bending over to get things off the floor that I didn't want to be there when Mom arrived.

My hands have been hurting more. I think part of the problem is that I'm picking up and moving more moderately heavy things (dishes, empty or full, and hardcover books are a problem that way) and trying to hold open paperbacks to read them. The OT people said I should just switch to audiobooks. I pointed out that we own more than 5000 books. I didn't go into the other issues with audiobooks-- price, time investment, inability to 'read' them while other people are watching TV in the same room (or, often, while there are other people in the house at all). The next suggestion was a book stand. I've looked at those online, and they look pretty iffy. I don't think that buying one without a chance to try it out would be a good idea because the ones most likely to work for me are pretty darned expensive. Also, for in bed, I'd want one thing and for in the living room quite another.
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Good news on the hysterosonogram-- No fibroids, no polyps. Things aren't quite right in ways that the doctors put down to the Tamoxifen, so they want me to have another scan (not clear if another hysterosonogram is needed or if a uterine ultrasound would be enough) in three or four months. I've got moderate sized (about 2 cm) simple ovarian cysts on both sides. If I understand correctly, because of my age and the size of the cysts, those will have to be rechecked every year unless they go away.

There's some confusion about the appointment I have scheduled for Wednesday morning. UHS's system doesn't show any such appointment ever existing, but the patient portal still shows me that I've got an appointment there at 10:50 Wednesday morning. It popped up with instructions for the appointment last night, and I still have the upcoming appointment reminder I got a few days back and the appointment scheduled message. I would rather not need to go to UHS Wednesday morning, but I also don't want to deal with a missed appointment fee or not go if the doctor has something to say.

I crashed hard yesterday at about 4:30. I don't think I slept, but I also wasn't awake. I lay in bed and didn't move much at all for about three hours until it was absolutely necessary for me to eat something and take my dinner time medications. After that, I ended up staying up until my normal bedtime.

I got a response from my email to Interlochen. They do have accessible cabins, and they supply golf carts for campers who can't manage all of the necessary walking (there's a lot of walking. Certainly more than Cordelia could manage day after day on crutches). My impression from what the contact person said is that they put in temporary ramps for whichever cabins need them, but I could be completely wrong.

Scott and I finished filling out most of the forms last night. There's one more that we need to get Cordelia's doctor to sign before we turn it in, but that one doesn't need to go in until June. I had been under the impression that it wasn't mandatory, but apparently it is. It's a permission slip for giving Cordelia specific OTC medications as needed. The form says they'll only do it twice a month without specific other forms from the doctor filled out for each occasion which seems kind of silly for something like, say, ibuprofen for menstrual cramps.

I need to do some laundry today, and the trash needs to go out. I've already done several minor chores, so I'm resting a bit. I kind of want a nap, but I think I need water more than I need sleep because I had very little water yesterday.

I have some ideas for things I can add onto my Fandom5K to make it work better. My first reader pointed out that there's a good bit of time between the deadline Saturday and the reveal, so I can edit if I come up with more text or change things or whatever. I'm very used to thinking of posting deadlines as the end. One of the changes I should make will be painful because it will involve changing POV for some events and losing a few lines that I love. I don't usually have to do the killing my darlings thing, but this time, I need to.

The OT yesterday showed me some hand flexibility exercises. She also showed me some massage techniques for my hand and then told me that I can't do them because the pressure required would be bad for the thumb on the hand doing the massage. Given that, I'm not quite sure what the point of showing me was. I've got a short list of (hopefully) not too expensive things that might help with the exercises or with tasks that I need to do.

She had a pen that she thought might be easier for me to use. Sadly, I couldn't even get it all the way to the paper. It was too long for me to hold it the way I was supposed to, and the way I need to rest my hand to deal with the tremor was an issue, too. Basically, the things I do to work around the tremor actively conflict with the things I should do for the osteoarthritis. Since I can't write at all without dealing with the tremor and can cope with the osteoarthritis long enough to, say, address an envelope, the tremor coping techniques win.

She also showed me their pain scale which doesn't even remotely match mine. For me, pain bad enough to provoke swearing is a six or a seven. Pain bad enough to want to take medication and/or to be constantly aware of it is a three. For them, swearing is a nine, and medication/awareness is a five to a six. I kind of looked at the chart and thought that it was really for people who don't normally experience pain. It basically stretches out the lower end and has no room at the top for severe pain. I've always assumed that anything that hurt enough to rate a ten would kill me because my body couldn't handle it and that a nine meant pain so bad I passed out or mentally checked out in some other way.

ETA: And the nurse from the gynecology clinic just called to say that, oh, she was wrong and I do have an appointment tomorrow. She thinks I should keep it, and I think her reasoning is sound. If nothing else, I can get clarification about what additional scans I need when and see about scheduling anything that needs doing soon. I think that I would also like the gynecologist to talk to the oncology folks. The pain issues had inclined me heavily toward not going back to the Tamoxifen, and I think this is more on that side of the scale. I'm also kind of curious as to why the radiology report said I was post-menopausal when everyone else keeps saying that I'm not there yet (all of them use 'perimenopausal' except my primary care doctor who hates the term while still acknowledging it as a stage of life. I think she considers it too medically imprecise to be useful).
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I still haven’t decided if I’m taking a cab to PT or not. I will be buying lunch out and did so yesterday and the day before, so saving that $11 may be a good thing. On the other hand, I’m probably going to be unhappy after the second appointment today even if all of the news is good. Less pain for my Achille’s tendon is likely to be a good thing.

The OT I saw yesterday was actually very helpful. She was completely focused on helping me figure out strategies for the activities I had on my list of things I need to do that I have trouble doing. She did conclude that the only thing to be done about my problems with writing by hand is to do it as little as possible. Everything we tried that was supposed to help amplified my hand tremor to the point that writing legibly was nearly impossible.

My doctor was glad that I came in because she wanted to be up to date on all of the things that the other folks I see have to say. She said she’d never heard of Tamoxifen causing the problems that I’ve had. It took a little discussion for me to realize that she wasn’t doubting that it had. She just had not run into it because she only has a handful of patients taking it and because it’s a rare-ish side effect in the literature (about 3%). She understands why I don’t feel like I can deal with Medequip right now but urged me to do it as soon as possible. She ordered a bunch of blood tests. Some of the results came in yesterday, and some aren’t in yet. Those that are in are all in normal range.

I got lucky on the blood draw and got someone who is really good at the process. It almost didn’t hurt at all even though we did like five vials.

The A-Ride got me to my OT appointment quite a bit early, but they didn’t have a later pick up time available in the schedule. I didn’t like the walk to Wolverine Tower much because it rained. I had an umbrella, but it was still annoying.

I had lunch at Totoro. That was good as always.
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I got up long enough this morning to give Cordelia her medicine and then went back to bed. I didn’t manage to sleep until after Cordelia left at 7:50. I need to remember to ask her to keep the volume low on the TV. Closing the bedroom door helps not at all. At any rate, I slept about another two hours, a bit fitfully but still two more hours.

Apart from being low on sleep and kind of stressed over everything that needs doing, I’m feeling a hell of a lot better since I stopped the Tamoxifen. As I said to my SIL yesterday, I’m not suddenly getting spikes of pain in my hands that make me scream any longer. My hands still hurt, but it’s more low level and constant which I can deal with better. The Achille’s tendon hurts a lot more, and I’m not quite sure what to do about that.

Scott was still feeling a bit icky when he got up this morning. I’ve texted him to see how he’s holding up now. I think we’ll stick with fish and poultry for him this week and then maybe try some pork when he’s got a clear weekend.

Our nephew is pretty much confirmed as an Eagle Scout. They’re waiting on the official word from National, but the review board approved him, so National is a rubber stamp. His current plan for fall is to attend the community college near us (we live about half an hour away from their family) and then transfer two Michigan State in the winter. I don’t know that him going to school a short distance away will mean us seeing him more often, but I’ve told his mother that I’d be happy to feed him lunches or whatever. I suppose I should actually talk to him about it directly.

Cordelia tried her aunt’s green bean casserole and tells us that she very much wants to have it again. I thought it was horribly bland and tasteless, but… I can make that if it’s something Cordelia will enjoy and actually eat.

Today’s primary goal is to fill out the forms for high school choir camp. The deadline for getting those forms in is Wednesday. I had thought it would be much, much later and so hadn’t even looked at what needs doing. Scott says that we can— just— afford the camp. It will entirely devour our tax refund, though. I need to call or email the teacher in charge because I have questions I need answered before I commit $470. It would suck majorly to spend the money and then find that Cordelia couldn’t go because of needing accommodations.
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Yesterday was a good news/bad news deal.

The very good news is that the uterine biopsy results came back early and are clean. This means going ahead with the HSG which sounds moderately unpleasant, but I prefer that (and the chance that that might be clean, too) to the alternative.

Venting about OT )

I've got PT at 10 this morning. I'm taking the bus to get there, but I might take a cab back. I would like to be able to do something after the appointment beyond collapsing and staring at the walls. Especially since there's still a chance that Cordelia's friends might come over for movie watching tonight.

I'm putting another thing on my to do list-- I need to write down the things I have trouble with, due to hand pain, so that I know exactly what things I want to address. The two catalogs I have only contain two useful looking adaptive devices, and we already own both. (Seriously, handle weighted silverware would be a terrible idea. I already have trouble with what we have weight-wise because chunky handles were in the year we got married. We got the lightest handles available, but they're heavy and unpleasantly thick. Oh, and apparently there's something terribly wrong with me that I find big things harder to grasp than thin things.) Most of the ones that might apply to my situation are aimed at food preparation and eating and look like they would make both infinitely harder than the pain does.

Yesterday also contained some school related WTF? in terms of PTO emails. At 8:00 a.m., they sent out a message announcing that they want to do a middle school fun night next week on Friday and need volunteers. At 2:30 that afternoon, they sent out a second message saying that they would have to cancel the fun night if they didn't get more volunteers immediately. School runs from 8:00 until 3:00. No parent would have had the opportunity to ask their child or children if they wanted to go. Almost all parents would have been at work during that window, too, and might not have access to personal email or personal calendars or time to consult with partners about plans or to set up babysitting for younger kids or... Well, it's seriously WTF? They couldn't wait twenty four hours for the second email? Or send out the initial announcement with more than 6.5 hours before their panic point?

Cordelia doesn't want to go. I rather expected that. I probably wouldn't have volunteered anyway because there's a chance I'm going to be wrecked by the time we get to evening that day. Also, I can't stand for long, can't do much with my hands, and generally can't do things right now. The jobs they were talking about needing to fill pretty much all involved two or three hours of standing.

Scott considered signing up because they want someone to run boardgames, but with Cordelia not going and with us not knowing what sort of state I'll be in, he decided it wasn't a good idea.
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Health related stress )

Anyway, between this and having a fic to write, I probably won't be answering comments with any regularity until the end of the month or so.
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I think maybe my back is starting to get better. I really hope that that’s the case because this pain thing sucks.

My right hand, however, is getting worse. I had to ask Scott to help me brush my hair this morning, and there have been days when I couldn’t floss. The giant braces might help the hair brushing problem, but they also might not because they make gripping and turning things the way I need to too difficult. I mentioned maybe chopping my hair, and Scott thought it might help, but I’m not sure it would because most of the knots I wake up with are high up on my head. I think I’d have to get my head shaved to avoid them.

I also don’t want to do something as radical as chopping off my hair until I know whether or not the problem is as simple to solve as stopping the Tamoxifen. I need to talk to my doctors about that. I’m not sure if it’s something I can stop for a while to see if the pain problems get better and go back to if the pain doesn’t improve. At this point, I’m pretty certain that the Tamoxifen is not worthwhile if it’s giving me this much pain— Five years of taking it will decrease my risk of recurrence by 4%, and the oncologist said that even a year would decrease the risk a bit. I’ve been taking the stuff since December of 2015.

4% is not worth five years of pain. (The baseline risk for me is 10%.)

I need to get Scott to empty the clean dishes out of the bottom rack of the dishwasher (I did most of the top) and to put away the things that require bending. I need him to bring the clean laundry and the clean sheets upstairs. I also asked him two days ago to look for something in the basement (I have a reacher/grabber thing that will let me pick up some things without bending. I’m 90% sure it fell down the basement stairs a few months back, so it’s down there somewhere).

Today is one of the days of the year when going to downtown or campus is decidedly unwise. It’s the Hash Bash, and there will be thousands of people wandering around (and taking up the parking spaces).

Scott’s very conservative aunt just friended me on Facebook. Ah, well, if she hadn’t realized that I’m a flaming liberal, she wasn’t paying attention. And it’s not like I post much. One surprise is that one of my aunts has turned out to be a lot more liberal than I thought she was— She’s reblogging Bernie Sanders stuff. I mean 80% of what she posts is cute dog pictures and pleas for people to adopt/sponsor dogs, but there is some political stuff, all things I can get on board with.

Today’s goal is to finish and return a graphic novel that’s due today and can’t be renewed. Then I work on the Korean DVD that’s due tomorrow and can’t be renewed. Then I write. I would like to watch some things with Scott in the living room, but I still can’t sit there for more than about fifteen minutes at a time without my back feeling worse so not today.

I talked to Scott’s mother yesterday and to my step-father. My mother was in Florida through some time yesterday in order to sell her father’s house, so I didn’t actually talk to her. My step-father says she’ll only be in Michigan for a week in April. I’d been under the impression that it would be much longer than that. I guess I can’t count on seeing her. Pity she’s not up here this week. Both of them will come north some time in May, after my step-father’s semester ends.
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Cordelia stopped using crutches entirely over the weekend. Today, she’s trying school in a light knee brace. She carried all of her things to school and didn’t want me along.

That last was just as well because my back spasmed last night and is still giving me huge problems when I move. I can sit as long as I sit still. I can lie down as long as I don’t change position much. It’s going to make the various household chores I want to get done today problematic. Right now, I’m applying heat to see if that will loosen things enough for me to do anything. It’s the muscles in my lower back, the ones just at and above my pelvis. When I stand up from sitting or lying down, when I sit down, when I turn over in bed, when I bend at all, that area hurts at about a 7 on the pain scale.

Last night, while I was showering, my right hand got so painful that I couldn’t move it at all. I’d call it an 8 or a 9 on the pain scale. It was better if I didn’t so much as wiggle my fingers. That made the process of drying off… interesting. I thought I was going to have to yell for Scott to come help me. My left hand hurt more than usual then, too. I couldn’t even put lotion on my leg without agony. I thought I should be able to because I could just use my fingers and not my thumb and because I had my heavy braces on.

The combination of the hands and the back has me wondering if I did something full body stupid. I can’t think what apart from, you know, taking Tamoxifen.

Feedly, one of the apps I use most on my phone, updated last night and now no longer works at all. Well, I can see that there are articles waiting for me to read them and what the titles and sites involved are. I just can’t open them at all no matter what avenues I try, including forcing the app to quit and restarting it.

We got bubble tea yesterday after our library trip. That was a nice treat. I miss having it weekly, but it is expensive. I’m pretty sure the price has gone up since we were last in there.

I wrote almost 1300 words last night. Sadly, none of them were for the thing with a deadline (though I just now added a sentence to that). I’m having trouble finding the character voice for that because I’m trying to write a character I don’t sympathize with at all. There’s just not much beyond cardboard cutout for the character in canon. I suppose that adding depth to the character that isn’t in canon isn’t a terrible thing. I just worry that it may not be what my recipient wants.
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Yesterday and this morning, I added a round the block loop to my walk home after dropping Cordelia off at school. I’m not sure it’s wise because it makes my heel hurt ever so much more, but it feels so good to be moving around. Also, right now, the temperatures are at a point where I can walk outside without overheating horribly. It’s still strange to want to walk outside in short sleeves with no coat when it’s cold enough that I can see my breath, but apparently, that’s my life now.

I put my jacket on for about the last ten minutes of my walk and had worn it for the five minutes Cordelia and I took to get to the school, but I didn’t wear it in between. My arms got a little chilly, but, bar my face and ears, the rest of me was too warm. Well, my lungs also complained a bit. It wasn’t quite cold enough to set off my asthma, but it was cold enough for my lungs to hint that they’d be much happier if I was breathing warmer air.

Now, I’m picturing myself wearing a t-shirt and carrying my jacket while walking along with a big scarf wrapped around my face. I’d look beyond ridiculous. Especially since my scarf is longer than I am tall, twice as wide as it needs to be, and in a rainbow of pastel colors (I knit it myself about twenty years ago and kept going until I ran out of yarn).

My hands have been giving me a lot of trouble the past few days. By the time Scott got home yesterday, I needed to break out the big braces, the ones that I really can’t move much at all in. Those make my shoulders hurt because almost anything I do with my hands with them on has to come from the shoulders.

I washed two loads of laundry yesterday, dried three, and put away one. The towels are still in the dryer, and I’m not willing to try to figure out where Cordelia wants her clothes.

I baked a cake from mix. I didn’t frost it because Cordelia and I both prefer that and because Scott bought the mix but not frosting. I had told Scott to buy something in that direction if there was anything on sale, and he came home with a key lime cake mix. It’s a pale green that kind looks wrong. Cordelia has declared it disgusting but still ate all of the piece she took.

I weeded a small box worth of books from the shelves downstairs (paperbacks, St-Z). They’re all things I know I’m never going to read again, and a few of them are things I would be afraid to read again because I suspect the Suck Fairy and her kin have been to visit since the mid-1980s. I’m also pulling anything that I look at and can’t remember the plot. I must have liked those to have kept them, but I’ve got about a thousand books on my list of things I want to get from the library. I’m not going to reread those. I will likely weed more today.

Cordelia’s first PT appointment is at 4:30 today. I’m hoping that the therapist can help her be less worried about things like her knee going out if she’s not wearing a brace and rolls over in bed.

Before Cordelia gets out of school, I want to get the trash out. I’m going to wear the heavy duty braces for that and for retrieving the towels in the hope that I won’t need them in the evening.
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I forgot to return one of my library books, and it can’t be renewed, so I’m going to owe a small fine (twenty five cents a day). I realized in time that Scott could have taken it back, but he’d already driven out that way twice yesterday, once to pick up Cordelia and once to get groceries. I didn’t think it was worth sending him out again just to save a small amount of money. Also, I’m not quite done with the book and could use a few hours to finish it.

It is currently snowing. I was concerned about Cordelia getting to school on her crutches because there’s at least half an inch on the sidewalks now. As it turned out, the main problem she had was her backpack trying to slip off her right shoulder. The floor at school was nasty due to melted snow tracked in by all the kids, but Cordelia can put weight on both feet, so it wasn’t quite as dangerous as it could have been.

My hands have been hurting since the middle of the day yesterday. I should put on my braces, but I really don’t want to. They’ll make doing laundry harder because the velcro keeps catching on the fabric. I have to wash and dry two loads of laundry and put away two. I need to run the dishwasher and to shower (though that’s likely to wait until after Cordelia’s home because I don’t want to go out with wet hair). Beyond that, my to do list is all phone calls. Sadly, phone calls are harder than the rest of it.
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I discovered last night that I have serious difficulty opening the bathroom door because gripping the knob is very painful. The knob is kind of stubborn about turning, and the door sticks a bit. This is only an issue when we have company, so last night was the first time I’d needed to deal with that in months.

I’m also thinking that Scott is right that I need a new lamp. I don’t want to lose the one I’ve got because Mom made it for me, but I have problems with the switch because it needs turning. A lot of the time, I can manage because it’s such a brief thing, but… It does hurt.

I’ve got one load in the washer and one in the dryer. The bed is half made (the blankets are in the wash). I think the next step is the sandwich for Cordelia. That will take less than two minutes. (I make sandwiches for Scott and Cordelia because it takes me less than five minutes to make both sandwiches. Scott and Cordelia both take more than ten minutes to make a single sandwich. I have no idea what they do to take that long.) I think the dishwasher should be next followed by calling UHS.
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My left Achille’s tendon has really been hurting the last few days. It’s been very nice outside, in the 50s and 60s, and I very much want to take a walk. I just know that I wouldn’t make it very far before the pain was too much, and then I wouldn’t be able to do anything the rest of the day. That’s not been an option all week and won’t be today, either. Tomorrow, I will almost certainly walk too much because Scott has the day off (it’s his birthday) and will want to do things.

All of the laundry has also made my hands hurt a lot. My right hand was angry enough to make sleeping difficult last night which is highly unusual. I slept badly last night, generally. I was too warm, and my sinuses complained a lot. When I’m upright, I feel fine and don’t think I have a cold at all, but when I lie down, suddenly, I feel like I have a bad cold. I can’t think of anything in the bed that I might be allergic to.

We had three friends over last night. We talked about a game Scott wants to run in the Firefly universe. I’m kind of generally eh on Firefly, but everyone else is really enthusiastic. The game system will be Cortex Plus which I don’t know a lot about. We only had one copy of the book last night, and I let other people look at it since it lives here and is mine any other time.

I only have to do two loads of laundry today. I’m kind of hoping that I can get all of the chores done quickly and then nap. It might happen. Maybe.

To do list )
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I ended up not making it to the Skyline open house/presentation last night. Scott and Cordelia went, but by the time we got through the appointment beforehand, my migraine was back and fairly nasty. I had nausea and photosensitivity more than pain. I didn’t want to take an Amerge because I only have one left and am likely to need it desperately tomorrow.

I thought I had a refill left on the Amerge, but Kroger says I don’t. I’ve sent a message to my doctor asking for a renewal, but I haven’t heard back yet. It could be days.

We got dinner at Plum Market’s buffet, and while I was trying to eat, I realized that I was too done in to be able to manage the open house. Scott tells me that it’s just as well— There are a lot of stairs in the building, and I’d have had a very hard time with them.

The nutritionist didn’t actually try to give me any nutritional advice. She recognized that I’m just barely keeping my head above water to be able to function at all. She made some other suggestions that I’m going to explore, but all of them require various doctors to help me out. Seeing an occupational therapist about my hands might or might not help, but I need something. She had the same sort of tendinitis that I do for a while and was majorly helped by a removable fiberglass walking cast. I’m not sure that that could hurt, and it might let me walk for exercise again. Medical marijuana might well help me, but I’m not sure that I fit into one of the legally approved categories under state law, and, unless my psychiatrist is willing to consider it, I don’t think any of my current doctors will prescribe that. I’m decidedly not up to looking for someone new who will talk to me about it and how it might interact with my current meds.

I wrote 1600 words yesterday in spite of feeling rotten. My laptop didn’t make the migraine worse, but I kept the light off in the living room all day. Sitting there with the light off, I thought the migraine had gone, but it was definitely there when I went out to the nutritionist appointment.
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Somehow I never fully woke up yesterday. I got up, and I did things, but I couldn’t manage anything that took focus. I have several emails to answer. I’ve been sitting on them for days without being able to think well enough to start writing.

I took an Ativan Saturday evening before I started trying to deal with the LTD review paperwork. I suspect that’s the main reason I was actually able to sleep because I didn’t sleep until after 3:00 last night. Getting up at 6:30 was pretty damned difficult. The not sleeping was a combination of my body hurting (legs aching, cramps), my brain not slowing down, and anxiety induced nausea that turned into reflux around 2:00. At that point, I had some vanilla ice cream, and that helped considerably, killing the reflux entirely. I’m going to lie down for a while after Cordelia heads for school and after I’ve gotten my paperwork together. Except that, right at the moment, I feel awake.

I have a dental appointment (bite splint fitting) at 11:00 and plans for lunch with [livejournal.com profile] evalerie that I’ve been really looking forward to. The restaurant we plan to go to is less than three blocks from my psychiatrist’s office, so I was thinking that I could drop her part of the paperwork off while I’m in the area. My suspicion is that I’ll come back home after lunch and sleep. Assuming my body cooperates.

My hands were really hurting last night. I’m not sure what I did to set that off. I need to figure out what’s become of my thumb splints. I can find one of the ones I got from the drug store and both of the big, inconvenient, ones of last resort. I can’t find the second drug store purchase or either one of the other pair the orthopedics people gave me.

I want to measure the space occupied by my bedside table with an eye toward replacing it. The current one is something I inherited from a great-aunt back in the 1980s, and I don’t think it will work well for a c-PAP. It started life as a living room end table, one of those multi-tiered things with a half layer above a full and then a second full shelf underneath. The finish is the sort to be damaged by water.

I don’t actually want to get rid of the table as there’s some possibility that my great-grandfather, who was a carpenter, might actually have made it. I have one bookshelf that I know he made, and I’m not getting rid of that even though it’s not ideal as a bookshelf. I never met that particular great-grandfather as he died before I was born. (Come to think of it, they all did. The two I remember were step-great-grandfathers.)

Ideally, I’d like something with drawers so that I can put my medications and such in one and know exactly where they are. I suspect I won’t be able to find anything that I love because I need a very, very exact footprint. There’s no way to rearrange things to get more space or space in different proportions, not if we want Scott to be able to get in and out of bed without climbing over me. The space on his side of the bed is already narrow enough that we have to move sideways to get in and out. I’d ideally like a narrower bedside table so that I can reach my powerstrip without moving the table completely out of the room first (that makes dealing with things that live on the table that are plugged in challenging because I can’t unplug them and move them with the table).

We had dinner at Totoro last night. Cordelia has set herself the goal of trying everything on the menu. The waitress laughed because Scott and I always order the same thing. She said we were eating 'the old way' and Cordelia was eating 'the new way.'

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