the_rck

I'm feeling cranky as hell today and kind of want to scream at the entire medical profession. When a doctor suggests 'lifestyle changes' and I say, "I have barriers x, y, and z. How do I address them?" that is, in fact, still me needing medical help. I wouldn't bring things up as barriers if they weren't, in actual fact, problems I don't know how to solve. I know that my problems don't fit any neat boxes and that having the usual solutions be unworkable is frustrating. I know that. I really do.

But the usual solutions being unworkable means I need more help not less. I suppose that the real answer is that my doctors aren't going to tell me that my problems could be solved by having twice the income we do, and I'm pretty sure that that's the only effective fix.

( Cut for a certain amount of bleakness )

( When I say I have anxiety about going outside, this is what I mean (31 overlapping points) )

Most of the stuff under the cut is me venting and me tracking this stuff for my own use. Somehow, I don't think any of these issues can be helped by exposure therapy.

( Health related TMI, mostly venting )

I want to snarl at the universe just to regain some feeling of having any agency in the face of all of this.

Yesterday was overall awful for me in ways that were due to other people being completely thoughtless in understandable ways. I'm still kind of mad at Scott because we've been married for 25 years. I ought to be able to count on him to be paying attention and to advocate for me when I can't do it myself.

He feels that it's unfair for me to expect him to understand and to keep current on all of my health issues. From his point of view, I need to tell him specifically when there's an issue and then remind him when it's pertinent. Every damned time it comes up.

( Details and venting )

I was upset enough last night that I just stayed in our room and didn't interact except with Scott and Cordelia. I was afraid that I'd either break down crying or actually punch somebody. (One BIL mansplains loudly and constantly. My FIL is evangelical about whatever he's currently into and won't accept the possibility that the research is questionable).

Nobody intentionally hurt me. I had hoped to avoid having people realize that it was more than me feeling physically unwell, but Scott tells me that everyone knows I'm upset.

Scott went out and got me a tiny container of Haagen-Daaz last night. I watched a bunch of episodes of Murder She Wrote and tried to calm down. I just still found myself getting cranky and picking at inconsistencies and misuse of vocabulary and generally not being to sort of person who could handle being around extended family.

Today, I ended up with both a menstrual migraine and cramps and so only went downstairs briefly for breakfast. I took Tylenol when I got up. I took naproxen two hours later and an Amerge not long after that. I took another Amerge four hours after the first. I can sit up without dizziness/head pain now. I still have nausea and cramps.

I don't usually get both cramps and migraine, so yesterday's upset may be contributing. It might also just be perimenopause and crap timing.

I expect to go down for dinner, but mainly, I want to go home and not have to deal with this.

Because life wasn't complicated enough...

We now don't have electricity. DTE says three more hours to get it back. I need to call the plumber to find out if they can work without electricity.

I heard a bang right before the power went which usually means a neighborhood outage, so I'm hoping more people report it so that it gets moved up the list of priorities. If nothing else, I want my shoulder heating pad.

ETA: Ten minutes after I posted, power came back. DTE says it was 'bird or animal damage to DTE equipment,' and it does appear to have been neighborhood wide.

I'm still glad I had ordered lunch delivered before things went out. Eating that filled the time that I would otherwise have spent worrying.

My doctor's nurse emailed me back yesterday and offered an appointment this afternoon. I emailed back to say that I wanted it, but then she called this morning to say it had been taken. Then she heard me cough and got me an appointment with someone else. I took a cab both ways because the bus would have been a really stupid move on my part. I called one person about maybe getting a ride, but she had a sick child who couldn't be left or taken with, and at that point, I really needed to call a cab if I was going to.

It is, congratulations to me, still asthma. We did a chest x-ray just to be sure there wasn't lurking pneumonia, and I almost said no to it because the odds were against me having pneumonia with no other symptoms but post-nasal drip. And I was right; I don't have pneumonia.

But laughing, bending over for more than a couple of seconds, reaching up, cold air, talking, walking far, stairs... All of that makes me feel like I'm going to start coughing.

I found my peak flow meter this morning. I haven't used it in years, so I don't remember what the numbers should be. If the green, yellow, and red markers are where they should be though (and I can't think why they wouldn't be), I'm in the yellow but only barely out of the green. I remember that, all those years ago, I started feeling that something was wrong if I was near the bottom of the green range ( the range there is 430-500. I'm coming in at about 420 now). But I'm a decade older, so I have no idea if my range has changed. When I never had symptoms (so the last more than decade), tracking things fell off my to do list.

Feeling that way was consistently a sign that I was near to problems and might yet go either way. Often, it was the first sign that I was coming down with a cold and started two or even three days before I had any other symptoms. This time, I'm already sick and had been for a few days before I started feeling like this, so who knows?

The asthma started being more or less constant mid-afternoon yesterday. Taking an Ativan decreased the intensity by about half, so there's definitely some component of anxiety making it worse. That's not something that's ever been a thing before, so I didn't expect it. I was mostly just thinking that I had to go out with Cordelia for the meeting for her online PE class and that taking Ativan before such things, several hours before, is usually wise because I have more issues with anticipatory anxiety than with anxiety while I'm doing things. Also more issues with the anxiety that's been in abeyance while I do things slamming me afterwards in ways that wreck me physically.

The new writing I did yesterday was more of a spew-things-out-as-I-think-of-them sort of thing than an actual story/potential story. Some of it may be usable, but I suspect that's only bits.

I wasn't able to do the things with Cordelia that I'd planned. It was too cold for me to spend much time outside and still be able to breathe, and I knew I couldn't manage the walk from the library to Community. Scott dropped us off and then went home to rake the last of the leaves and then shower. I sat during the orientation/class meeting and talked to another mother. We think we met, years ago, through evalerie and the La Leche League playgroups. Her daughter is seven or eight months older than Cordelia but in the same grade and is doing the online gym because she does competitive synchronized figure skating (not a thing I had ever heard of). Her mother said sixteen girls on the ice at once which seems like a lot to me in a space the size of an ice rink. Maybe it was six and I'm remembering wrong?

At any rate, with daily classes and weekend trials, tests, and competitions, her daughter didn't feel that she could also handle gym. The online course will let her use her skating classes and practices for the exercise part of the requirement, so she'll just need to document it and do the written work/projects.

I ended up not eating dinner last night. I had some new-to-me chai around 2 p.m. that gave me mild reflux, and we didn't really have anything that I could easily reach that was also easily portable. Most of the bread (two of three partial loafs) had turned out to be moldy on Sunday. I'd used the two pieces in the bag that wasn't moldy to make sandwiches for Scott for Monday and yesterday. He picked up bread on his way home Monday, but he got rye. He loves rye, but Cordelia won't eat it, and I have issues with it. I think that my problem is with caraway rather than with rye, and this is seedless rye, so maybe I can eat it. It just seemed like a thing I didn't want to experiment with while already feeling iffy.

I wasn't all that hungry when we got home after the class, anyway, so I don't feel like it was a big burden.

I slept very badly last night. It was one of those nights when I kept startling awake. It wasn't full adrenaline pumping had-a-nightmare sorts of things, but it felt like there was a rule being enforced that I was only allowed to sleep for so long and then had to wake fully, look at the clock, and try to find a better way to sleep. I tried with the c-PAP on. I tried with it off. I tried with it on again. I had some fairly vivid dreams but have lost most except for the slim, jacketless, powder blue hardcover books with gold print on the covers. They contained Doctor Who stories that Scott and I were, for some reason, reading to Cordelia. There was gold pring on the cover, and I was trying to convince Scott that the next one we read her should contain-- I kept trying to indicated a beating heart with my hands so as not to spoil the story for Cordelia.

I think that dream stuck with me because I woke and boggled. There are so many it-would-never-happen bits of that.

While I was changing for the chest x-ray this morning, just for a tiny additional bit of suck, I got the portal neutralized notice on the Ingress portal I captured when we were at Interlochen in August. I was still more than a month from getting the badge with it, and it looks like the person who took it fully deployed on it, so I don't think it was a guardian hunting thing (for one thing, I don't play enough for anyone to particularly know who I am and have that level of animosity). I had kind of thought that the portal might last once it got through September because it's a gated campus with public access only at certain times of year. 11 a.m. on a Wednesday seems like a weird time for an open to the public concert, but it could have been someone with a local school group concert or a parent with a sick child at the school or... Who knows?

Cordelia went out for a few hours this afternoon with her middle school friends. They've decided to alternate weeks with movie night on Friday one week and a Sunday afternoon gabfest the next. I think that one of the girls can't do things on Fridays, but I'm not sure.

Scott's asleep. At this point, I don't see a point in waking him at all until morning. He napped a little while Cordelia was out (he provided transportation both ways), but apart from that hour to hour and a half, he had been up for roughly twenty three hours when he lay down to sleep. I'll have to wake him for a little when I go to bed because I have to be able to see which medication bottles are which.

We went to Bob Evans for breakfast this morning after Scott got home and showered. After we got home from that, Scott did the grocery shopping while I started in on laundry. He did the library run after dropping Cordelia off at her friend's house.

Scott having had to work last night means that I still haven't tried taking two of the Halcion tablets to see how that affects my sleep. I'm not willing to do it unless he'll be there during the night and in the morning.

I wrote about 500 words last night. Sadly, I wrote it at the point when I should have been in bed and asleep, so I've been dragging all day. I keep looking at the floor and thinking about lying down there in spite of knowing how much doing that would hurt. I have no idea why my brain thinks the floor is more attractive than the couch. Maybe because I've tried the couch several times in the last two weeks?

We're going to try to figure out how to upgrade Cordelia's laptop. There are things she wants to do now that the machine is too old in terms of hardware to support, and we expect that high school will bring things she actually needs to do that need better hardware. If nothing else, she's taking digital photography later this year. I'm pretty sure we will have a hard time finding software for that that will work on a Macbook made in 2008.

Upgrading my laptop is going to have to wait. We still haven't paid off my current laptop or Cordelia's. We got them refurbished, so we didn't pay full price, but I'm not sure Scott's decision in that regard was necessarily wise because what he ended up getting was only a very little bit newer than what we used to have and stopped being able to advance in terms of OS within the first six months we had them. For me, it's less important because I mostly chat, do email, write, and browse the web. I don't stream much or play games. I don't need the latest bells and whistles in my word processor, not as long as other people can still open and read my documents if I share them.

Scott's thrilled at the idea of me not doing Yuletide. He says that all I talk about during the writing period is my story and that that makes him feel like I'm not actually present. I pointed out that I'm always thinking of stories and that I'm happier when I'm writing. I should have added that I just talk to him about the Yuletide stories because he often knows the fandoms and because they're almost never smut. I do 90% of my writing for any exchange/challenge at points when I'm alone, but my brain never stops churning with story ideas.

I need to try to find a chance to talk to him about this when Cordelia's not around. I feel like I don't have all that much that's mine and like he's saying I shouldn't have anything if it attracts attention. I'm pretty sure that's not what he means, but it's still hurtful and pisses me off.

I'm at 11000 words for the month so far. I'm not quite sure how that happened given that I haven't been working on the things I really ought to finish because of being too stressed about the laptop issues. Apparently, I've been writing plenty on other things.

Scott had to work 3 a.m. to 7 a.m. this morning. I was a little worried when I woke up at 8:30 to discover that he wasn't home yet. I figured he'd probably gone out for breakfast, and that did in fact turn out to be the case. He's been giving one of his coworkers rides home, and they were both working overtime this morning, so the other guy bought him breakfast. Scott really didn't have a good way to let me know without waking me up, and I'm pretty sure he expected that I'd sleep longer. He was only five minutes from home when I got up.

I'm kind of tempted, right now, to lie down again. I'm surprised because, counting hours, I should be fine.

Scott and Cordelia are planning to go see the Spiderman movie this afternoon.

I have one library book due tomorrow that I know I can finish in time to return it then. I can renew it, but it's a manga volume. I'll feel silly renewing that. Also, if I finish it, I'll be able to return everything that's due tomorrow. That never happens, so it will feel like an accomplishment. I've got two other slim graphic novels, both aimed at about ages 8-10, that I should also try to finish. I keep looking at them and thinking that I could finish both of them in about twenty minutes. I just have to sit down and actually do it.

I have two other library items that can't be renewed, but both are due later. One of them, I may not read at all because, although I'm intrigued by the world, the content I expect in this volume has several things that are generally DNWs for me. Then again, it's a novella. It shouldn't take long to read if I can just start. (I'm sensing a pattern here...)

I'm looking at August and feeling very frustrated. There's one day when Cordelia has three places she's supposed to be simultaneously. She's volunteering that day, has a doctor's appointment, and has mandatory orientation for high school. The other option for orientation is the day that they'll be coming back from choir camp, so there's no chance at all of her being able to attend that day. It's four hours back from Interlochen, and orientation for 9th graders starts at noon that day. I can't imagine that they'll get them back anywhere near that early.

I've already complained to the school about the problem of scheduling 9th and 10th grade orientation for a day when all choir, orchestra, and band students can't possibly attend. It's not that they didn't know about the conflict. It's that they don't care.

My hard drive just died completely. Scott thinks it's irretrievable. He won't have time today to work on it due to family obligations.

Cordelia and I are both feeling terrible, but... Family obligations. Scott is cranky and snarling at everything. Great fun.

I keep thinking there has to be a good day this weekend, and life keeps saying no.

( Pretty much all venting )

The chores I did yesterday were enough to make the tendinitis act up again, so I'm not looking forward to the walking I'll have to do today. Right now, my plan is to take a cab to UHS, get lunch somewhere nearby after the appointment, hang out somewhere (Espresso Royale, probably) until about 2:00 and then get the bus to the hospital. PT is 2:45 to 3:45, so I'll just wait for Scott to be able to pick me up after work. I really ought to make a lunch and take it with me, but I don't want to deal with that.

I've tried ice on the tendon. That hurts all the way up my leg. Right now, I'm applying heat. That's making my calf muscle ache, too, but I'm hoping it will loosen the dratted thing up enough that I can stretch it properly.

My left elbow has started giving me trouble. The pain is at the back of the joint and fairly pinpoint. It is, sadly, probably more tendinitis. I think it's stress from trying to compensate for not using my hands in the ways I normally would.

I didn't go with Scott and Cordelia to Cordelia's PT appointment yesterday. I was so very, very tired that I thought that staying home was a good idea. I haven't generally had the option, so that was nice.

Scott's avoiding pork products now. I'm not sure if he's going to try one more time to make sure that he didn't just have a bug last weekend or if he's just cutting all of that permanently. I think that, if it is an allergy, one more exposure won't make it suddenly as bad as the beef allergy, but I know that such things get worse with more exposure, so this isn't going to be something he can indulge in occasionally.

I'm working on clearing out all of the frozen stuff we've got that contains pork. Scott buys potstickers and spring rolls frequently, and he never looks to see what's in them as long as they don't say 'beef' on the front. It's resulted a few times in me not having easy options for feeding Cordelia's Muslim friends, so I've learned to check the freezer ahead of when I expect to have them over to see if I need to make Scott go out and buy something that will be okay.

( Health related stress )

Anyway, between this and having a fic to write, I probably won't be answering comments with any regularity until the end of the month or so.