the_rck

I keep starting things to post here and then not finishing them because they get tangled up in my health and loss of function and fears about the future. So I'm going to try starting with some bits about things that don't relate to those. I'll try to post most of them over the next couple of days as they're all written now.

*Cordelia turned 18 in May. She was very puzzled by how Scott and I reacted with a We Did It! She doesn't feel different, and it's not like we think we're done parenting, but we got from infant to legal adulthood. Milestones. They're a Thing.

*Cordelia got her driver's license two days after her birthday. This required multiple trips to the Secretary of State because she had to have a learner's permit to test. The first one expired on her birthday and couldn't be replaced until after it had expired. Fun times with bureaucracy. Because she's 18, she has no curfew on the license.

*Cordelia graduated on June 7th. The ceremony was on the school's football field. It had rained all afternoon but stopped early enough that the seats in the bleachers were only a little bit wet. We'd brought towels and umbrellas, so we were set. Each graduate got four tickets. There was supposed to be separate seating for vaccinated and unvaccinated (or mixed) groups, but I couldn't see that. There were a lot of people because there were 330 kids getting diplomas (and some who weren't there but had to be named). The guy announcing Cordelia's part of the class mispronounced her last name.

We were lucky. It was a rain or shine event. At least one of the other local high schools had their entire ceremony in pouring rain.

*There was a post-graduation upset due to the school removing some already posted photographs from Facebook and then editing the video of the ceremony online. One of the graduating students carried a Palestinian flag with her (they searched the kids for 'contraband' before letting them put on their gowns, so someone official knew in advance). The superintendent tried to tell everyone that that footage 'distracted from' the proper focus of the occasion. The student had been allowed to walk across the stage with the flag without interference and had their official diploma; their 'right to free speech' had been respected. A week or so later, the photos and footage were restored. As far as I can tell, a handful of parents complained to begin with, prompting the removal, and then a rather larger number, including members of 'the Jewish community' (which is not small enough here to have a single opinion on anything). The superintendent sent out an email about how, after consulting with 'our Arab community leaders and our Jewish community leaders,' she'd decided that she'd been wrong to yank the footage.

I came very close to going back to Facebook entirely to express disapproval about removing the photos and footage.

( This whole thing is kind of one long anxiety meltdown )

Scott's sister insisted on a socially distanced gathering to celebrate our niece's high school graduation. We sat in their backyard in four clumps, one for each household involved. I found it very uncomfortable, but I was also feeling exhausted from having not slept the last couple of night while trying to finish an exchange fic before the posting deadline. I want to tweak the story further before reveals because some bits don't flow the way I wanted them to, but that may or may not happen.

I think that I'm going to have to drop out of the WIP Big Bang. I want to write the story, but my brain isn't focusing right for it just now.

I'm trying to get larger pill organizer boxes. The multivitamins and calcium supplements I've got won't fit in the current ones. The bigger boxes won't fit so nicely in a pocket, but they will help me make sure I take those supplements. Right now, I'm prone to forgetting. Sadly, I've only been able to get six of them because the only place I can find that's selling them is capping how many a single person can buy (I got three, and Scott got three). I think they assume that nobody has a reasonable use for more than one of these at a time, but I use one for each day of the week. Right now, I take meds at six different times every day, so a seven box organizer isn't a 7-day thing for me.

I'm probably going to ask my SIL to order me another two organizers. That way, I have an extra if I lose one or break one. I don't want to try to get buy with only six of them because that will throw off my routine for when I fill them and will make it harder for me to track when I need to request renewals (this is mainly an issue for prescriptions that need renewing since I need more lead time on them. It's bad to discover that I'm out and can't refill on a Friday night or a Saturday morning or even a Sunday. There's a reason I fill my organizers on Thursdays).

I'm trying to figure out some good ways to help myself calm down (especially when I don't realize that I'm starting to freak out). I don't really have any ideas since most things that other people seem to find helpful have negative effects on me, either increasing my stress or increasing my pain (and therefore increasing my stress).

Writing isn't happening. Reading is just kind of masking the problem. I don't know. It's hard to reach out when everything in here feels like it's on fire.

My sinuses decided to throw a hissy fit yesterday. They do this a couple of times a month for reasons I've never been able to pinpoint. It happens often enough that Scott and Cordelia just make sure that I have a box of tissues and a place to throw out the dirty ones. Generally speaking, the only thing that stops this is dehydrating myself, so I think I'll be drinking mostly black tea today.

I've taken Claritin, Benadryl, and Sudafed. I've also got the furnace fan running even when the furnace isn't, just in case it's a matter of unfiltered air from outside. I don't think it is because it snowed yesterday, but I figure that having the fan on won't hurt anything.

Over the weekend, I roasted chickpeas from a bag of dried chickpeas. It took a lot more time and effort than working from canned chickpeas does. I soaked them for six hours. The instructions on the bag said to simmer them, so I did. At the point when I could stick a fork through them, they still tasted raw, so I cooked them longer. That's really the part of the process that I think will make me keep going back to canned chickpeas because it needs regular checking/supervision.

At least I've established that I can used the dried if I need to.

Scott and Cordelia went driving for about an hour last night. They saw a lot of deer, and that's when it snowed, so it was kind of stressful for Cordelia, but I think it's good that she now has some experience with both of those things.

We need to look into having Cordelia take the SAT. Normally, that's done as the school district's standardized testing of the high school juniors and happens during the normal school day on the district's dime. That almost certainly won't happen this year. I haven't researched the options yet because, until we have a better idea of the time frame, planning something like that doesn't make any sense.

I'm currently exploring some of the public library's music downloads. I'm frustrated by the utter lack of cataloguing for all of the available downloads (books, music, video) because all I have to go on is cover image, artist name, and title. There aren't any genre tags or blurbs. The books are more difficult because I can't sample them easily and because they tend to be badly formatted. At least with the music, I can stream a song or two and move on.

I just don't think it's unreasonable for me to want some broad category information. I know that cataloguing is resource intensive and expensive and not a thing the library does in-house any more, but... Telling me if an album is jazz or classical harp music doesn't seem like a really large thing. Telling me if a book is horror or mystery or romance also doesn't seem like an unreasonable request.

I've also been listening to audiobooks, but I keep hitting unexpected sex scenes and really not wanting to share those with the rest of the household (no, earphones/earbuds are not an option). Audiobooks also don't accommodate skipping around in the story which is something that I do with paper books to decrease my anxiety.

Audio and video both tend to make me feel kind of trapped and unable to control my experience and interaction with the text. I'm apt to stop, walk away, and not come back for months which interacts badly with Overdrive and with getting DVDs from the library.

Scott's got vacation scheduled next week (to coincide with Cordelia's spring break). Right now, we're assuming that it will happen, but I think that could change if anyone at work gets sick. I'm also not convinced that Scott will be back on 1st shift after his vacation. He might be, but he also might not be. His plant being essential infrastructure means that they can reasonably ask for employees to do things that they wouldn't ordinarily.

I guess we'll see.

I survived today’s interview. I didn’t expect not to, though, and I still don’t know what will come of it, I’m still freaking out a bit. At least this guy understands table top rpgs as not easily monetized. He did, however, ask me repeatedly whether or not a doctor had told me I couldn’t drive. None have, but that’s mostly because I already didn’t. I don’t see any way that I would pass a driving test or course, given my physical issues.

This is just a fight I don’t want to need to have. My anxiety is where it was two decades ago, and I’m losing my hands in two different ways. I don’t see very well, and my hearing is a bit iffy. I have particular trouble following words if there’s a vibratory sound— a fan, a dishwasher, a lawnmower, traffic — in the background. That’s a big reason I want captions. Of course, then I’m left with the glasses issue. I can’t read tv captions with my computer glasses or my screen with my distance glasses. The bifocals only work for my screen if I use one hand to move them so that I can look through the right bit. I can’t do that and type. This is a big reason why I’m muddling along without using my glasses much. Swapping glasses is challenging because I have to find the right pair, get them out, put the other pair away, and then do it all again when I need to manage a different distance. I can fit one pair of glasses in my purse; two or more means an additional bag. My hands hate the glasses cases I have, and I have issues with zippers, snaps and buttons now.

While I was inside the library having the interview, someone on my side in Ingress went through downtown and cleared out a lot of portals without capturing them. That means I captured about 60 portals today. I need about 340 more for the badge. It will be slow going though because I’m low on gear. I’d normally need a lot of bursters for clearing and capturing that many portals. I considered trying the Harry Potter game, but it has time and accuracy components that I really can’t manage. I never tried Pokémon Go for similar reasons, and there are bits of Ingress (glyph hacking) that I avoid. I don’t want to deal with the hand tremor combined with trying to perform under pressure. The rewards aren’t sufficient to justify the anxiety.

We have three tarot decks posted on eBay. One even has a bid. The current plan is for Scott to walk Cordelia through these and then have her manage the other things. Most of what we have is tarot decks, so packing them for shipping shouldn’t be too bad.

Scott’s parents visited yesterday for more yard work. Scott’s father considers it very important that we get rid of the old screen door that’s in the garage. Maybe I can have Cordelia make the call to see if Habitat for Humanity wants it enough to pick it up.

I survived the CT scan. I have no idea when I'll get a report on it. The first available appointment with the gastroenterologist is the day after Christmas. I had some difficulty convincing the scheduler that, no, really, I couldn't see the doctor at her other office, half an hour away. I think I had to repeat myself three or four times about the not being able to drive.

They had me drink water instead of the contrast solution. Water didn't make me sick, but I'm not sure what purpose it actually served since it was mostly out of my body by the time they actually did the scan.

They used an IV iodine contrast, so I now know that I didn't inherit the allergy to it that runs in my father's family. Getting the IV set up was difficult. The technician (nurse?) who did it rejected the veins at my elbow, tried one in my hand that didn't work, then wrapped my forearm in a warm blanket for five minutes and set me up with an IV midway down my forearm. I didn't know they could do that. It hurt so very much less, and I could bend my arm and use my hand. If they'd had any reason to take my blood pressure, the IV would have been well out of the way of the cuff. I shall request forearm IVs when I need them in the future.

(They can only use my right arm for blood pressure, injections, and IVs because I've had lymph nodes out on the left.)

I tried sleeping last night without any Halcion, and I think I shouldn't have. I tossed and turned and was acutely aware of every twinge of pain. I slept for about an hour before Scott's alarm went off, and it was all very intense dreams (multiples dreams in a very short time). I haven't been back to sleep yet because all of this resulted in a migraine.

I've taken Amerge for the migraine and have eaten a bit. I'm going to see about showering and doing the preparation for the cleaning lady. Then, I'll have about four hours in which I might be able to sleep. Possibly. Maybe. My body has certain rhythms that require me being awake between about 8 a.m. and 11 a.m., and the cleaning lady comes at 2 p.m.

Cordelia now has her learner's permit. The wait at the Secretary of State's office was long enough that I took the bus home after the CT scan and spent nearly an hour chatting with neighbors on the walk from the bus stop and still got home before they did. I'd been hoping that they'd be able to pick me up after, but it was not to be. It's just that the bus past the hospital is only once every half hour after 6 p.m., so I had a very long wait. I watched about eight university buses go by and got cranky that none of them were going anywhere remotely useful to me.

Cordelia thinks I should find a different coping strategy for anxiety than getting cranky. She thinks it's counterproductive. I have pointed out that it lets me do a lot of things that I really, really need to do and doesn't stop me from getting other things done. It's just not necessarily the most pleasant thing for people around me.

We had a relatively laid back holiday. Scott built a fire in the portable fire pit in mid-afternoon so that I could have a 'smore. I've been watching him and Cordelia make them in the evenings, when I can't eat such things, for weeks now, so I was pleased to get the chance. It was horrifically hot for a fire, though, so we were only out there as long as was necessary for safety.

We got carry out Chinese food for dinner because Cordelia's guest had had pizza too recently. Also, getting pizza would have meant me needing to scrounge for other food. Pizza cheese tends to make my reflux act up. Normal cheese doesn't, so I don't know if it's the blend or something they're adding on top (even though I tell them no seasonings but salt). Pizza after 2 p.m. is just not a wise thing for me.

I finished a reasonable draft of a second pinch hit for the Nonconathon. I'm still looking for a beta reader for it, but I think it will be acceptable without, just better with.

I have changed the sheets on our bed. The dirty sheets are washing. One of the new fitted sheets is seeing its first use (the second is still in packaging as it's easier to store that way).

I still need to deal with a few things in the kitchen before the cleaning lady comes. I'm going to do those in short bursts because it's very hot in there with no air movement at all. I just can't tolerate it long.

Cordelia's friend from middle school visited yesterday and stayed until quite late. They watched Marvel movies with Scott (he has a tradition of watching Captain America: The First Avenger every year on the 4th). Then, about 10, they went out with the friend's parents to drive around to see if they could spot any fireworks (this is apparently their family tradition). Cordelia got home about 11:40, so I got to bed after midnight.

The decreased dose of Halcion is leading to me waking more frequently in the night and having pretty constant anxiety dreams. I was still pretty exhausted when I got up at 9:00 and felt like I needed more sleep. I just also knew that I needed time for the pre-cleaning lady chores. I'll be seeing my psychiatrist next week, and I'll ask her about the Halcion. I think I sleep better with it, but I also know that it's the sort of thing that rings warning bells in doctor's heads when they see it on my medication list.

I'm also not sure that our school year schedule is something I'll ever be able to handle without sleeping medication. A single school night with me waking several times or spending a long time trying to fall asleep would leave me not functioning at even the necessary basic levels for the rest of the week.

Of course, maybe having the option to take something, after Scott and Cordelia leave, in order to sleep more might mitigate that.

My shoulder is doing better, pain-wise, but my elbow is doing worse. I'd prefer that it go the other way around, and I think the exercise that's helping the shoulder is aggravating the elbow. I'll see the PT person tomorrow. Maybe she'll have ideas for things I can do at home to help the elbow. I'm pretty sure that the exercises my doctor gave me last year are aimed at the wrong things because they all hurt a lot to do.

( Cordelia driving stuff )

I need to arrange to have some cash on hand so that using the A-Ride is actually feasible. The last time I used it, I needed exact change and couldn't use a credit card. That's a really huge burden on me because I almost never have cash and, if I do, usually have a twenty and no options for breaking it.

Back when I was using the A-Ride regularly, it was always a scramble to make sure I had the right money-- $3 for me each way plus $1.50 for Cordelia each way-- to be able to pay, even when we knew exactly when I'd need it. The prices haven't changed in the last five years, so there's that. There's an option for 'Scrip ticket,' but that's not defined in the handbook, and I suspect it's not something I can order online or even by phone which means a trip to wherever they sell it.

Cordelia's 7 a.m. drive this morning got rescheduled (this time with advance notice) to the 13th at noon. They still haven't rescheduled the missed class session which is a problem since the last normal session is tonight.

Technically, I could sleep in until 8 a.m. today, but Scott's final leave-the-house-now alarm woke me at 7:10. It's very loud and irritating, and it repeated several times before he shut it off.

At that point, it had been long enough since I last ate that I had a headache, so I just hauled myself out of bed. The only thing that treats that morning headache is a combination of sugar and caffeine (one without the other doesn't do the entire job. Two teaspoons of honey and zero caffeine does considerably more than normal levels of caffeine with just stevia). Medications don't help at all until after I've gotten some sugar in.

I'm pretty sure that this is some degree of hypoglycemia. I've had problems for years any time I sleep late (so weekends mostly), but I think that the amount of time I can fast is decreasing. The problem is that the amount of time I need between when I eat dinner and when I lie down is increasing. Well, I can eat very, very simple carbohydrates near to bedtime. I don't know that that's a thing that could help.

I suspect that what I need to do is to shift when I take my thyroid medicine and to take it earlier in the day so that I can eat between 6 p.m. and 7 p.m. I can handle very lean meat or protein fortified oatmeal that far from bedtime.

I had PT again today. My left elbow was acting up the the therapist poked at it a little and told me I had several trigger points there. She used some sort of machine to loosen those which decreased the pain level considerably.

I took the shorter trip for getting home from the hospital, and I probably should have spent the extra 30-45 minutes for the long way because I almost didn't make it up the hill from the bus stop. It's hot and humid, and the hill is quite steep. I had a full water bottle, but it didn't help much.

The next five weeks are going to be really, really exhausting. Every week has at least one appointment, and most have three or four. Then I'll have a week of nothing much followed by a week on vacation with Scott's family (which I expect to be bad along a couple of different health angles). Then... more appointments, including getting out to Skyline for Cordelia to register. September only currently has two appointments. I kind of expect that to change, though.

I did a lot, for me at least, yesterday. I ran two loads of laundry and stripped the bed (it didn't get made up again until Scott helped me just before bed). I ran the dishwasher and got Cordelia to empty it. I made the grocery list and then did the shopping. Scott dropped me off then took Cordelia to class then stopped at the library then came to pick me up and take me home. He had an hour to relax between when we got everything put away and when he needed to leave to get Cordelia.

I need to throw out or otherwise get rid of the fitted sheet with holes. I've washed the dirty sheets, including that, and one of the new fitted sheets. I left the other new fitted sheet in the packaging and may do that for easy storage until we actually need it.

I also replied to a snippy email from my gastroenterologist's nurse which told me that my nutritionist ought to be able to solve all dietary problems. I got equally cranky because the nutritionist has explicitly told me that my issues are beyond her training/pay grade. There isn't anyone else in the system to whom she can refer me. Some of the specialty clinics have specialized nutritionists, but none of them deal with patients who have more than one set of major dietary issues. I've got at least six different parameters to deal with. Seven if one counts our budget being very inelastic.

Scott and Cordelia went out this morning so that Scott could let her sit at the wheel of the car in a parking lot and understand where all of the pieces are. He says they went back and forth a couple of times. I wasn't sure that would happen because I wasn't sure Cordelia would feel ready to do it.

Scott's sister has offered to do the same thing with Cordelia in her car on Tuesday, after the biopsy. I think it would be a good idea because her car is bigger than ours and so would feel different, even if all Cordelia does is sit in the driver's seat.

We had to reassure Cordelia that it doesn't actually matter which thing she does first on getting into the driver's seat as long as she does certain things before she starts the car. (She was a little astonished that we mentioned fastening her seatbelt as a before starting the car thing. Then Scott and I remembered that she doesn't remember a time when not doing that was legal. It hadn't occurred to her as a thing that needed to be mentioned.)

I spent the last dream cycle before I got up dreaming about trying and failing to make coffee (I kept walking away and having other people turn off the heat or dump my coffee or...). I took that as my body nudging me about getting up to give it some caffeine, so I gave up on sleep and went and made tea. I'm trying to cut down on my morning caffeine a little bit now that it's summer.

Yesterday, I read library books and edited bits of the Sky High story. That's now almost 89K words (124 words short). I made a couple of false starts on another chapter for it that I know I need. I suspect this will be one that requires a lot of going back and yanking things out because they just don't fit together right.

Scott made it to the games library day and seems to have had fun with it. He and Cordelia did the library run but somehow managed not to check out one of my holds. They brought it home, and I'm now done with it, but they failed to check it out. I will be downtown on Thursday, and I may wait to return it until then, but I'd like to get it back sooner, so I don't know. It's a CD. I listened to it last night and didn't like it much. There's another hold on it, so somebody's going to be waiting for it.

I'm not sure why Scott and Cordelia aren't more careful when checking out my stuff. At least once a month, there's something not actually checked out, something left on the shelf, or something brought home that doesn't have my name on it. The screen will actually tell you what's going on in that direction as you scan things to check them out. It gives an error message when you try to take something that's not yours, and it counts down the number of still to be checked out but available for check out holds.

Scott and I are watching the first DVD of No Ordinary Family from Netflix. We have three episodes left on the DVD, but our time to watch is constrained by Cordelia not being interested, by other things Scott wants to watch, and by my difficulties being in the living room when it's hot. This week is supposed to stay relatively cool, so maybe we'll manage more.

I have four library CDs left to listen to and two movies on DVD. I also have the rest of season 4 of Person of Interest and the first DVD of some other series from Netflix. Person of Interest will need the most time since I've only watched the first four episodes of the season, but I will probably try the movies before that. Neither are all that long, and one of them is something I'm pretty sure I won't finish.

Which reminds me that I need to neaten up and post my DVD logging. That's starting to get long. I've got a list of single DVD things that the library has that I want to try. I suspect that a lot will end up being DNFs, but as they're library items, I don't feel particularly bad when I sample something that looks potentially iffy in terms of whether or not I'll like it and then only get ten minutes in.

The school year is almost over. I'm looking forward to being able to sleep in a bit. I don't know how Scott will adjust his schedule. I don't think he needs to get up quite so early if it's just him getting ready. He currently spends about half of his time hanging out with us and watching whatever Cordelia's got on. He could easily sleep another half hour to an hour and still get out the door on time.

I haven't signed Cordelia up for a driver's training class yet because of the expense. We need to get the loan finalized, and I need to make Scott actually look at the options and the prices and the state requirements. I can't commit $450 without his input as to whether or not we have it to spare. I also can't commit to it without Cordelia's input on scheduling. I need the answers by the end of this week at the latest (I'm not even sure there are still openings in the classes I'm looking at).

I think that Cordelia's simply not all that interested, and that Scott doesn't understand the amount of time required for each step. 120 hours of driving is a hell of a lot when it's coming in less than an hour a day. I can't see Scott routinely giving more than an hour a day to sitting in the car while Cordelia drives. There's likely to be a point when we're all okay with me as the licensed driver riding with her, but that will probably be very late in her learning time. Also, our car is with Scott all day, so it's not that I can take her out while he's working.

As far as I can tell, Scott hasn't even looked at the driver's training information I emailed him even though I've prompted him on it more than once. I would settle for him just saying that he knows I've looked at it and is willing to accept my decision. The only class possible this year starts on the 18th of this month. The. Only. One. Because of Cordelia's other time commitments there aren't going to be any other options for it until June 2019. Which will mean her not finishing the program until some time in 2020. Assuming we can make the timing and financing work then.