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Jun. 17th, 2020 12:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_rckI've had five migraines in the last sixteen days. June 1st and 2nd, the 9th and 10th, and today. I had a couple of bad allergy days this last weekend because it was cold enough outside that our AC didn't run. (Also, Scott didn't think about the pollen count and opened the windows to cool things off inside. It would have been fine, but I'm off my antihistamines until after I have the allergy scratch test next week.)
I feel like everything I touch is breaking or otherwise not working right. I'm pretty sure that this is partly because, when I don't feel well, little setbacks loom larger and are more upsetting than they ought to be because I take them as signs of how disabled I am.
I also feel like Cordelia needs me to do better than I'm able to do. Now that I've given her a list of household chores that I can't do and that Scott doesn't have time for, she's wondering how we'll manage when she goes to college. I'm wondering, too, but I don't want that worry to limit her options. I'm still hoping that our cleaning lady will be back after social distancing ends. She's older than I am by at least a decade, but I think she might be able to recommend someone else when she's ready to retire.
Somebody on Discord posted a link to explanations of the 1-10 scales for physical pain, fatigue, and mental health pain. Looking at those upset me, too, because my zero on all three scales is the 5. My normal walking around and functioning normally (for me) can go as high as 8 without me thinking that it's sufficient change to merit noticing. I'm not sure what 9 or 10 on those scales actually mean because I assume that somewhere between 8 and 9 there's a Xeno's Paradox zone. That is, it's not possible to get to 9 without shutting down entirely. 10 on any of them is death.
This is why I look at those charts and complain about them not making sense and being overly compressed. Of course, I once hit a 1 simultaneously on the physical pain and the mental health pain scale, and my primary care doctor's triage nurse sent me to the ER (I think she thought I was either seriously drugged up or had had a stroke, possibly both at once). The ER staff were extremely confused about why I was complaining about not feeling things, and that visit was... not beneficial.
Scott understood the problem, but he wasn't actually any better at explaining it than I was.
I signed Cordelia up for the required part 2 of drivers' education. It's a three day class with no driving. She's scheduled to take it the last week of August. I hope the buses are running regularly by then; if they aren't she'll have a very hard time getting there in time for class which runs 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. Currently, the earliest the bus could get her there is about 9:45.
I wish she had her license now. We only have one car, and it would be a PITA for her to drive her father to work and then go back later to pick him up, but it would be a viable option for my current difficulties with getting to medical appointments. Scott had to take half a day off to get me to one yesterday, and I need him to take a full day next week for an appointment of mine and for a thing Cordelia needs to do at school. I'd have liked for him to take time off for my mammogram on Thursday, but there's no chance he can do that.
The city buses are running very infrequently and will only allow 15 passengers at a time. When they're full, they're full. I've had to pre-schedule a cab ride for my mammogram, and I'll have to get up at 6:30 to be ready for a pick up window that runs between 8:15 and 9:15 and only might get me to the appointment (9:30) on time. There's only one bus option that would get me there in time, and if I got unlucky, I'd need to pay for a missed mammogram.
Getting home from yesterday's appointment let me know that I have zero ability to walk to the appointment. Last fall's illness followed by the knee trouble has deconditioned me to the point that I can't really walk for more than about 15 minutes before I stop and sit for a while. Walking home used to take me about an hour and a half. Adding in rest breaks would likely double that, and I'd be sitting in the middle of the sidewalk for most of them.
I rescheduled the post-mammogram video visit because I noticed, belatedly, that the person who scheduled it took my 'I need to allow at least three hours to get home' as 'three hours from the start of my mammogram appointment' rather than as starting at the end of it. They were able to accommodate me on rescheduling, but it was a frustrating hoop to have to jump through.
I'm also not convinced that a video visit for this will be even remotely worthwhile. Breast checks need to be kind of hands on in order to be useful.
I kind of expect a migraine tomorrow as my body objects to me thinking about the logistics of the mammogram. My brain is scrabbling for backup plans in a situation that doesn't have room for them. I'm also trying to figure out what to do if, as I kind of expect will happen, I end up at the cancer center an hour early. The non-waiting room options aren't extensive.
At least I found out that the ARide is still allowing 'will call for pick up' for getting home. The website gave me the impression that they wouldn't do that, and I was dreading having to schedule the trip home when I don't know how long the appointment will take. I could be done by 10:15. I could be there until noon.
Logistics and planning are the anxiety things that push me into physical breakdowns the most often. Impending deadlines can also do it, but I'm bad at spotting when that one's a problem because it sneaks up on me and isn't an every time thing.
I've been in that frustrating space of desperately wanting to talk to people but feeling utterly unable to carry on a conversation or even to lurk in Discord while other people talk. I want to read DreamWidth, but I can't handle it. It's not the content, I think, so much as the size of the undertaking.
My brain has 'time' for rereading 700K fics, but it doesn't have room for following active Discords or reading DW 4x a day (it takes at least that much not to fall behind. If I only check once a day, I have to go back almost 200 posts). Possibly, I need to make a temporary filter for DW so that I can have a smaller mountain to face.
Scott's sister insisted on a socially distanced gathering to celebrate our niece's high school graduation. We sat in their backyard in four clumps, one for each household involved. I found it very uncomfortable, but I was also feeling exhausted from having not slept the last couple of night while trying to finish an exchange fic before the posting deadline. I want to tweak the story further before reveals because some bits don't flow the way I wanted them to, but that may or may not happen.
I think that I'm going to have to drop out of the WIP Big Bang. I want to write the story, but my brain isn't focusing right for it just now.
I'm trying to get larger pill organizer boxes. The multivitamins and calcium supplements I've got won't fit in the current ones. The bigger boxes won't fit so nicely in a pocket, but they will help me make sure I take those supplements. Right now, I'm prone to forgetting. Sadly, I've only been able to get six of them because the only place I can find that's selling them is capping how many a single person can buy (I got three, and Scott got three). I think they assume that nobody has a reasonable use for more than one of these at a time, but I use one for each day of the week. Right now, I take meds at six different times every day, so a seven box organizer isn't a 7-day thing for me.
I'm probably going to ask my SIL to order me another two organizers. That way, I have an extra if I lose one or break one. I don't want to try to get buy with only six of them because that will throw off my routine for when I fill them and will make it harder for me to track when I need to request renewals (this is mainly an issue for prescriptions that need renewing since I need more lead time on them. It's bad to discover that I'm out and can't refill on a Friday night or a Saturday morning or even a Sunday. There's a reason I fill my organizers on Thursdays).
I'm trying to figure out some good ways to help myself calm down (especially when I don't realize that I'm starting to freak out). I don't really have any ideas since most things that other people seem to find helpful have negative effects on me, either increasing my stress or increasing my pain (and therefore increasing my stress).
Writing isn't happening. Reading is just kind of masking the problem. I don't know. It's hard to reach out when everything in here feels like it's on fire.
I feel like everything I touch is breaking or otherwise not working right. I'm pretty sure that this is partly because, when I don't feel well, little setbacks loom larger and are more upsetting than they ought to be because I take them as signs of how disabled I am.
I also feel like Cordelia needs me to do better than I'm able to do. Now that I've given her a list of household chores that I can't do and that Scott doesn't have time for, she's wondering how we'll manage when she goes to college. I'm wondering, too, but I don't want that worry to limit her options. I'm still hoping that our cleaning lady will be back after social distancing ends. She's older than I am by at least a decade, but I think she might be able to recommend someone else when she's ready to retire.
Somebody on Discord posted a link to explanations of the 1-10 scales for physical pain, fatigue, and mental health pain. Looking at those upset me, too, because my zero on all three scales is the 5. My normal walking around and functioning normally (for me) can go as high as 8 without me thinking that it's sufficient change to merit noticing. I'm not sure what 9 or 10 on those scales actually mean because I assume that somewhere between 8 and 9 there's a Xeno's Paradox zone. That is, it's not possible to get to 9 without shutting down entirely. 10 on any of them is death.
This is why I look at those charts and complain about them not making sense and being overly compressed. Of course, I once hit a 1 simultaneously on the physical pain and the mental health pain scale, and my primary care doctor's triage nurse sent me to the ER (I think she thought I was either seriously drugged up or had had a stroke, possibly both at once). The ER staff were extremely confused about why I was complaining about not feeling things, and that visit was... not beneficial.
Scott understood the problem, but he wasn't actually any better at explaining it than I was.
I signed Cordelia up for the required part 2 of drivers' education. It's a three day class with no driving. She's scheduled to take it the last week of August. I hope the buses are running regularly by then; if they aren't she'll have a very hard time getting there in time for class which runs 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. Currently, the earliest the bus could get her there is about 9:45.
I wish she had her license now. We only have one car, and it would be a PITA for her to drive her father to work and then go back later to pick him up, but it would be a viable option for my current difficulties with getting to medical appointments. Scott had to take half a day off to get me to one yesterday, and I need him to take a full day next week for an appointment of mine and for a thing Cordelia needs to do at school. I'd have liked for him to take time off for my mammogram on Thursday, but there's no chance he can do that.
The city buses are running very infrequently and will only allow 15 passengers at a time. When they're full, they're full. I've had to pre-schedule a cab ride for my mammogram, and I'll have to get up at 6:30 to be ready for a pick up window that runs between 8:15 and 9:15 and only might get me to the appointment (9:30) on time. There's only one bus option that would get me there in time, and if I got unlucky, I'd need to pay for a missed mammogram.
Getting home from yesterday's appointment let me know that I have zero ability to walk to the appointment. Last fall's illness followed by the knee trouble has deconditioned me to the point that I can't really walk for more than about 15 minutes before I stop and sit for a while. Walking home used to take me about an hour and a half. Adding in rest breaks would likely double that, and I'd be sitting in the middle of the sidewalk for most of them.
I rescheduled the post-mammogram video visit because I noticed, belatedly, that the person who scheduled it took my 'I need to allow at least three hours to get home' as 'three hours from the start of my mammogram appointment' rather than as starting at the end of it. They were able to accommodate me on rescheduling, but it was a frustrating hoop to have to jump through.
I'm also not convinced that a video visit for this will be even remotely worthwhile. Breast checks need to be kind of hands on in order to be useful.
I kind of expect a migraine tomorrow as my body objects to me thinking about the logistics of the mammogram. My brain is scrabbling for backup plans in a situation that doesn't have room for them. I'm also trying to figure out what to do if, as I kind of expect will happen, I end up at the cancer center an hour early. The non-waiting room options aren't extensive.
At least I found out that the ARide is still allowing 'will call for pick up' for getting home. The website gave me the impression that they wouldn't do that, and I was dreading having to schedule the trip home when I don't know how long the appointment will take. I could be done by 10:15. I could be there until noon.
Logistics and planning are the anxiety things that push me into physical breakdowns the most often. Impending deadlines can also do it, but I'm bad at spotting when that one's a problem because it sneaks up on me and isn't an every time thing.
I've been in that frustrating space of desperately wanting to talk to people but feeling utterly unable to carry on a conversation or even to lurk in Discord while other people talk. I want to read DreamWidth, but I can't handle it. It's not the content, I think, so much as the size of the undertaking.
My brain has 'time' for rereading 700K fics, but it doesn't have room for following active Discords or reading DW 4x a day (it takes at least that much not to fall behind. If I only check once a day, I have to go back almost 200 posts). Possibly, I need to make a temporary filter for DW so that I can have a smaller mountain to face.
Scott's sister insisted on a socially distanced gathering to celebrate our niece's high school graduation. We sat in their backyard in four clumps, one for each household involved. I found it very uncomfortable, but I was also feeling exhausted from having not slept the last couple of night while trying to finish an exchange fic before the posting deadline. I want to tweak the story further before reveals because some bits don't flow the way I wanted them to, but that may or may not happen.
I think that I'm going to have to drop out of the WIP Big Bang. I want to write the story, but my brain isn't focusing right for it just now.
I'm trying to get larger pill organizer boxes. The multivitamins and calcium supplements I've got won't fit in the current ones. The bigger boxes won't fit so nicely in a pocket, but they will help me make sure I take those supplements. Right now, I'm prone to forgetting. Sadly, I've only been able to get six of them because the only place I can find that's selling them is capping how many a single person can buy (I got three, and Scott got three). I think they assume that nobody has a reasonable use for more than one of these at a time, but I use one for each day of the week. Right now, I take meds at six different times every day, so a seven box organizer isn't a 7-day thing for me.
I'm probably going to ask my SIL to order me another two organizers. That way, I have an extra if I lose one or break one. I don't want to try to get buy with only six of them because that will throw off my routine for when I fill them and will make it harder for me to track when I need to request renewals (this is mainly an issue for prescriptions that need renewing since I need more lead time on them. It's bad to discover that I'm out and can't refill on a Friday night or a Saturday morning or even a Sunday. There's a reason I fill my organizers on Thursdays).
I'm trying to figure out some good ways to help myself calm down (especially when I don't realize that I'm starting to freak out). I don't really have any ideas since most things that other people seem to find helpful have negative effects on me, either increasing my stress or increasing my pain (and therefore increasing my stress).
Writing isn't happening. Reading is just kind of masking the problem. I don't know. It's hard to reach out when everything in here feels like it's on fire.
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Date: 2020-06-17 12:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-06-17 04:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-06-17 05:40 pm (UTC)*hugs*