the_rck

I have passed the LTD paperwork to my psychiatrist. She says she should have it done tomorrow and be able to send it in then. My mother suggested that the doctor send another copy of the letter she wrote last fall that states that she considers me disabled. At this point, I've done as much as I can.

I've got a longish to-do list in terms of things that I just couldn't cope with while I was working on the LTD questionnaire.

I've been having occasional moments when I feel weepy. I can't tell if it's hormones (the menopause clock is at 4 months; we'll see) or if I'm too stressed about the LTD and our finances. It just hits sometimes, and then I feel utterly exhausted.

I forgot to call or text my stepfather for his birthday yesterday. I feel bad about that. Of course, my record on birthday greetings will remain better than his unless we both live more than another 30 years.

I've scheduled PT for my left knee. I'm waiting to try to do anything else because all the options will require being able to walk. The knee stuff will start next week.

I ordered Scott's birthday presents today, one from me and one from Cordelia. We've still got twelve days, so they'll certainly arrive in time.

( To-do list for my own reference )

We’re at Scott’s parents’ place now. There were 12 of us at the table. We’ll have pie later, but I’m not sure if we’ll have anything I’m interested in eating. Needing to avoid cloves and to be cautious about cinnamon makes pies fraught especially as Scott’s mother can’t have nutmeg.

I’ll have to make some dressing this weekend. It’s my one essential food for Thanksgiving. They served it but told me that it wasn’t safe for me to have any. The turkey was okay, and Scott made mashed potatoes with butternut squash. That was good. Nothing else was to my taste.

I still don’t know what’s going on with my aunt’s funeral. I had too much going on yesterday to find the resources to call my cousin. Scott’s making plans for the weekend as if this weren’t a thing to consider which makes me feel like knowing the timing won’t matter. I think he’s forgotten about my aunt having died. He only met her about half a dozen times in the 26 years we’ve been married.

I’m more upset about the loss than I thought I’d be. I’m nearly certain that it has more to do with breaking my ability to pretend that everyone up north is fine and somehow exists in a protective bubble. My father and mother are both older than my aunt was. My stepmother is too. My stepfather is younger but only by about 5 years.

My LTD insurance grace period ended on the 24th. I’m not sure how long it will take for anything to happen with the legal appeal/lawsuit. Mom hasn’t told me to do anything else yet, but I assume there will be more eventually. I don’t think that we’re ready for the financial hit to our monthly budget. The vocational counselor didn’t suggest a single thing that I could actually manage.

I haven’t gotten far on my Yuletide story yet. I was hoping to get going this weekend and maybe to schedule a write-in. I’m just not in a position to do that until I know when the funeral is.

I went with Scott to his therapy appointment yesterday. I’m not truly comfortable with the guy because he’s making condescending in the ways that therapists often are. I’m not going into it assuming that he’s more knowledgeable than I am or that his view of reality overlaps with the world I live in.
I know from past experience that I can’t work with people who try to establish intellectual superiority or an aura of infallibility. When they do that I can’t accept anything they say as anything but dangerous bullshit.

It feels too damned much like being gaslit. They use the vocabulary and mannerisms that I’ve watched being weaponized as control mechanisms to force conformity. I’m not immune enough to realize what’s upsetting me in the moment; I won’t realize why I’m frightened because I’ll be busy trying to cover my vulnerabilities by getting angry.

My eyes have been giving me trouble for a while. The skin around them has eczema and cracking and goes back and forth between itching and burning. My eyes look normal, and I can see as well as I expect to. My eyes are drier than normal because I don’t dare do the PT which involves heat and gentle massage; right now, I’m worried that I’ll rip the skin or get dirt in the existing cracks. I think I’m pretty sure that this is an allergic reaction of some sort, but I can’t figure out what I’m reacting to.

I’m experimenting with a different way of doing the PT which is logistically more difficult but (I hope) less potentiality damaging than not doing the PT at all. I’m also using a lot of Vaseline which seems to help and which my doctor once told me was safe there. I think it helps but also that nothing is going to change until I figure out the trigger.