the_rck | Entries tagged with brain fog

I'm still having problems with light headedness and fatigue with occasional flickers of a tickle in my lungs. I have no idea what's going on that way.

Scott worked 12.5 hours yesterday and is currently at work. He has tomorrow off (meaning he can go to the fundraiser for Cordelia's choir). I really, really don't like how physically exhausted he is by the time he gets home, and I think that the three day run coming up later this week is going to be very bad.

Scott will also be off on Tuesday which has me wondering about my appointment with the vocational counselor. If Scott were working, I'd absolutely ask to reschedule because I don't think I'm safe to go downtown and get back home again after, but Scott's going to be around to provide transportation. Then again, I can't think very well, and I haven't been able to do much of anything the last two weeks because of being sick, so I'm not sure that actually meeting with the guy does anything but check off the 'yes, I'm still paying attention' box.

Which might be a thing that I actually need to do. I don't know. But last time we met, I was still having constant trouble breathing (day 2 of the prednisone) and he made a point of saying that rescheduling isn't a big deal.

I just keep feeling like there's something I'm going to do that will be a breakthrough that lets me think and function clearly again. Past experience suggests that I'm wrong, but I keep reacting to the fog as if it's something I'm going to recover from if I just rest. I would rather that it be so, but I think this may be the new normal.

I have discovered that using the donut pillow around my neck decreases my neck and shoulder pain considerably. It does more than anything else I've tried and more consistently. Remembering that is, however, oddly slippery because the thing is inconvenient, prone to slipping off, and not easy to clean. It's also really unpleasant when the house is at summer temperatures.

I really would like to be able to make an appointment with my primary care doctor about my hands/wrists because I think I might be having carpal-tunnel issues, but I really can't do it until the LTD stuff is resolved (even though this is likely pertinent).

I have written a little bit the last couple of days, but I'm struggling to make the words become story. I'll have a little time when things flow and when I can't imagine stopping writing, and then... it'll be gone again. Very frustrating.

( Complaints about Ingress Prime )

Today was a no brain power available day. I kept feeling confused about what time it was and about what day it was. I managed to prepare myself some lunch with enough left for a second meal. I mixed a can of roast beef hash with a can of mixed greens (turnip and mustard). It was kind of unexciting, but it wasn't bad.

It would be easy to make again so I wish that I could get chicken or turkey hash at the grocery store. I don't like having food that's potentially lethal for Scott as a regular thing.

I did some writing. I have two stories waiting for beta comments and editing in response to them. The third needs another 1500 to 3k words and then a beta reader.

I had a nasty headache yesterday afternoon and evening. Today, I'm largely groggy. I'm not sure if it's hangover from the headache or just my body telling me that I've been too stressed out. The fact that my body has reset the countdown to menopause probably contributes, too.

I lay down again after Cordelia left for school. I didn't actually sleep, but I desperately wanted to. It's very clear at this point that lying on my back is better for my joints. Using the neck pillow decreases morning headaches. Sadly, I can't relax while lying flat on my back. I can relax on my side, but that starts to hurt-- knee, hip, and shoulder-- before I can fall asleep.

I'm a little peeved with Scott because it's almost noon. Cordelia left home shortly after 7:00. He has a long list of Things to Do and did exactly one of them this morning. It was one that didn't take very long. Most of the things on the list require use of the oven and therefore have to be done sequentially. He can't do any of them on Wednesday or on Thursday.

We've got a turkey in the oven right now. It'll take at least five hours, probably longer because it was still partly frozen, even after almost three days of thawing in the fridge. I had to talk Scott through getting the gravy bag, sack of innards, and neck out of cavities. He had somehow not previously encountered such things.

I'd have liked to start it going earlier, but Scott had to go out and buy a disposable pan and didn't think to while I was trying to sleep.

He got the turkey from work on Friday. Most people got hams, but his supervisor remembered that Scott can't eat ham, so Scott got a turkey.

Scott's recaulking the tub while the turkey cooks. That's on of the things on the to-do list that doesn't need the oven. He also needs to design a photo calendar for his sister's in-laws. I'd like him to repair the loveseat in the basement (we've got the necessary parts but haven't had time), and we should go and buy a replacement dishwasher (and possibly a new fridge if we can figure out how to get rid of enough stuff to fit the one we want).

I'm considering offering on a pinch hit for the time travel exchange. There's one I'm sure I can do and three that look intriguing but are for canons I only kind of know. There was one that I really wanted to offer for last night that has since been claimed. I just thought that I shouldn't offer on a pinch hit while I had a migraine. I'm not sure I should offer on one while I'm still foggy/groggy, but I can almost think now, so...

I need some way to put up a 'brain out of office' notice everywhere that people might try to reach me because it's been happening for days at a time during the last two months. And then I get avoidant about going online anywhere where I'd normally interact. I only keep coming to DW because I decided a long time back that daily posting was something I wanted to do and that I had permission to lurk.

I tried to sleep in this morning, but I got a phone call half a hour after Cordelia left and then again half an hour after that. I slept some in between when Scott got up and when he came in here to say goodbye for the day, but it wasn't anything like enough.

The first phone call was from Scott's work, and I apparently scared the guy a bit, but I was cranky because I was awakened from a dream (not one I was particularly enjoying) and because it was twenty minutes before Scott need to be at work. Scott was very likely walking in the door at the office right when the guy called me.

The second call was a spam call in a language I didn't recognize. Possibly Mandarin but also possibly not. At that point, I gave up and got up for the day. Tomorrow, I have an appointment, so I can't sleep in.

I slept in this morning, but there was someone in looking for a hug about every 45 minutes (both of them did it, not just Cordelia). I ended up with anxiety dreams all the way through. I had somehow managed to reformat my laptop so that I had most of my applications but couldn't find any of my files and couldn't access the internet. I had to get online because I couldn't get my class schedule any other way and also couldn't find out where I was supposed to live or where to get food. So a lot of anxiety all wrapped up in one dream that I couldn't get out of even when I kept getting woken up.

I got up at 9, feeling sort of like I'd been smacked with a psychic brick. That is, my head didn't hurt, but I was dazed and groggy and having trouble making my brain work. My morning tea didn't helped that aspect of it. My body felt more awake, but my brain felt about ten yards behind.

If it weren't Thursday, I'd have lain down again, but I had a lot to do before the cleaning lady came in.

At this point, I'm feeling stressed and exhausted and headachy. I kind of just want to go to bed, but it'll be a while before I can. Tomorrow, I need to be up by about 8:30, even if Cordelia's good without me, as I've got an appointment at 1:00 on the other side of town. I need to confirm that my SIL is coming down to drive me there as, if she isn't, I'll need to get the bus there. I'm pretty sure I can manage that. I'd rather not, but it's doable.

I need to sit down and map the deadlines for things I've committed to writing. That will let me know which projects need priority. I think I've only got two obligations. I've just lost track of the dates for both.

I'm still feeling a lot better, mentally, than I was. I sent three medical emails (all complicated), received three medical phone calls, made six medical phone calls, had my gynecology appointment, took about an hour long walk, and had lunch out. Those last three happened before any of the others and would normally have meant that I was really and truly done in and not able to cope, mentally, with doing more.

I have neurology appointment set for next May for the tremor. They said I'm on their cancellation list, so I might see someone sooner. I'm not going to hold my breath. Also, I've had the tremor for decades. It's just much worse now. I don't know if it's due to me being older and tiring out faster or due to me more often being in stressful situations.

I have a couple of cardiology appointments this fall. My father had a quadruple bypass at 50. His father had a massive coronary when I was about 8 which means my father wouldn't have been 30 yet. I'm not sure Grandpa was even 50 at that point, but he certainly wasn't over 55. Apparently, that family history means that I should have had a baseline establishing appointment with a cardiologist already. My sister was urging me to do this over the weekend because when she had a cardiac pet scan, they told her that, at some point, she had already had a minor heart attack, just not one that did anything that she noticed as wrong.

I am going to hope desperately for good weather for the fall appointments because they're at Domino Farms at awkward times. The first is at 7:50 a.m. Scott can drop me off around 7:00 a.m., but the building won't be open until 7:30 a.m. I'm going to see if he can get permission to arrive a bit late to work that day and drop me off closer to 7:30. It's about 10 minutes out of his way, so I think it would be doable if he has half an hour of leeway. It being cider season makes it harder, though.

( Discussion of brain fog and medication side effects on mental state )

Okay, today is suggesting that I must eat before having tea. That's unfortunate because it means more time with the waking up after not eating for 15 hours headache. Still, it might be better than abdominal cramping (nowhere near as bad as Sunday or Monday). I haven't been up long enough for the graham cracker and piece of toast I had to get anywhere like that far into the system.

Fluids move really fast, though, so I'd need to eat at least an hour and a half before drinking the tea which isn't ideal at all. And that hour and a half applies to things like crackers rather than to chicken liver or chicken sausages. I'd expect those to sit there for longer. I'm not sure how to make that work since I rely on the teaspoon or two of honey in my tea (16 oz of tea with almond milk sometimes with coffee crystals and stevia added, too) to get me through the time until I can eat, have eaten, and have started to digest. It gives me the ability to dig through the fridge to get something I can eat cold or (if I have the energy) put on a plate and heat.

I'm almost certain at this point that the metformin was causing my mental difficulties. Last night, I was better than I had been at any point since starting it, and I feel even better, mentally, today in spite of knowing that I need to go out soon.

( Health stuff, including diet, blood sugar, meds, and a second ER trip )

ETA: I risked some tea, less than usual, and I think it's helping with the can't sit up for long problem. Some of that might be caffeine withdrawal headache related. So far, the tea isn't making anything worse.

So my primary care doctor wants me to see an endocrinologist. She's sent in the referral and suggested that I call the managed care office at her clinic for help in scheduling. I'm am 85% sure that the managed care people will tell me that I need to call the clinic myself because it has happened before with referrals like this.

I think that the advice I've gotten about small, frequent meals actually doesn't work best for me. A bowl of spinach bean soup with a lot of added cheese and some triscuits or corn chips can keep my brain and body working and satisfied for about six hours (which is actually longer than I really want because it makes scheduling later meals difficult) even when I go out and do things. I'm trying to figure out if I can go smaller and get it down to four to five hours which would be better for my schedule, but calibration is an issue.

The thing is that, when I do crash right now, I can't see right, and I can't type right. My typing speed drops to a crawl, and I make a lot of typos that aren't my normal sort. It's more in the direction of typing 'halibut' when I'm thinking 'television' than a b for a v or even an f for a j. I touch type, and I rely on my fingers just knowing what to do for the words I want. I know that I'll have problems with their/there/they're because I'm not thinking the spelling when I think the word; that's a different thing. This is also not the part where I think I've typed a word but have dropped it completely.

Cordelia's school had their performing and visuals arts student awards last night. All choir students were 'expected' to attend. Scott had PT that overlapped when Cordelia needed to leave, so she traded a ride there with a friend for Scott giving the friend a ride home after.

My sinuses are staging a revolt. I'm pretty sure that it's because we had the windows open for three days. I've taken sudafed, closed the windows as well as I can, and set the AC fan going so that the air coming in goes through that filter. It's still cool enough outside that I'd love to have open windows, but the itchy burn is so not worth it. I'm going to see about getting the trash and recycling out and then use my neti pot (I don't use it regularly, just keep it for times like this).

I've broken 90K words on the Sky High AU of Doom. I've got five distinct sub-arcs in the series. Three of them are absolutely chaptered fics. The other two, I'm less sure about. The one I'm currently writing could work either way, I think.

The middle arc, though, is a mess from that perspective. There isn't a consistent thematic throughline or plotline. Some pieces are much longer than others and will work better subdivided, but I'd like to have the parts feel better balanced. I don't want four 2K chapters and 2 7K chapters. I also don't want to jam together things that happen years apart, even if they're in the same POV and relatively short. I've got things happening in between from other POV. But then there are these three things that could be split so that things are more even but that both go in chronological sequence and are from one POV.

I will probably try to keep the third set as a chaptered story just to cut down on the mess. It's 36K words in eight pieces, and I don't know that any of them make sense without reference to earlier parts of the series as a whole. Five chaptered fics is much less sprawling in terms of how it looks than twenty six fics in a series all dumped on AO3 at once or even (given that this is a small fandom) posted over a period of days or weeks.

I think I've found a temporary end point for the story that has been eating my brain. It's currently at a bit over 19K words, but the last section either needs much more written or to be chopped back. I think the main reason I didn't stop it was that it was 2K words shorter than part 3 which was about that much shorter than part 2. Part 1 is longest and clocks in at nearly 8K words.

This is the story I thought I was writing when I started my most recently posted Sky High AU. So that's a thing. A very, very dark thing. I have no idea why I thought that this story could be written from Warren's POV. He obviously has to be a black box for it to work.

We went out for breakfast on Saturday to celebrate Scott's job change. We went to Bob Evans. They were only half full, but they were also less than half staffed, so they were keeping people waiting in the lobby. Usually, I have pancakes when we go there, but we didn't get seated until after 11, so I went for a burger. I think that was the right call.

I woke around 45 minutes early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. That means I only slept about five hours last night. I'm not feeling it yet, but tomorrow will be harder because of it. I'm trying to figure out how to move things that require wakeful attention to earlier points in the week from here on out. It likely won't happen, but it would be a good idea for me.

Fatigue brain problems don't generally keep me from writing, but they make everything else, including knowing when I ought to go to bed, harder. Also, what I end up writing generally isn't the stuff that has a deadline, so it's not useful for me to put off my WBEx story with the idea of getting other things done while they're easier.

Getting to the dentist yesterday almost did me in. There was a bus pulling up to the stop when we were close enough that Cordelia could run for it, and she did. I only made it because someone else got the driver to wait. The ride to central campus wasn't long enough for me to catch my breath, so the 3.5 blocks from the bus to the dentist's office were hard.

Cordelia made things a little harder by getting cranky with me for being slow, for walking behind her. She wanted to walk next to me, but the sidewalks weren't always clear enough for that to be safe. She also had forgotten the way to the dentist. I must admit to being a little disconcerted by that. We've been going to that dentist all of her life, and I know she's wandered the nearby shopping area with her friends. Also, it's a straight walk from the bus, not one single turn after one crosses the street from the bus stop.

I'm trying to fill out this LTD paperwork. It's daunting because there's so much that needs to go in there.

I also really need to talk to my doctor. My right hand, the entire arm from the shoulder down actually but mostly the hand, is feeling wrong. It's not quite numb. It feels more like it's about to become numb. I've known that something was wrong with my right shoulder for months, but I haven't had the brain cells to register it as urgent or even more than just everyday pain. It's not worse than regular pain, just consistently in one place for a long time. Most pains clearly related to doing something or are things that happen for a few hours and then are gone for days or even weeks.

Paying attention to most of these things is like paying attention to headaches. There's a certain basic nuisance level that registers as utterly normal. What counts as 'nuisance level' expands when I have other problems that are more obviously impeding my ability to function. The last 6-8 months, it's been exhaustion and problems with executive function.

The fact that I never have a chance to talk to Scott about any of it when Cordelia's not around hasn't helped. If I show any sign of something wrong when she's around, she freaks and blames herself. Me not being able to talk to Scott means having zero options for anyone to help me figure out what's important. He just assumed that nothing was wrong for months. I'd have told him, he thought, if something was going on.

I need to get him alone and beat him over the head with the idea that he needs to pay attention, too, because my brain going offline is a Problem.

Heat on my right shoulder is helping the weird feeling further down the arm. My suspicion is some sort of pinched nerve. There's been something off for a very long time, but I could avoid problems by just not doing certain things.

Oh, and I rather strongly suspect that it's not carpal-tunnel because it improves with use and gets worse the longer I go without moving. So, hey, encouragement to type.

Apart from the paperwork, I need to do laundry and to get the trash and recycling out to the curb. Oh, and I still have to call my stepfather to wish him a belated happy birthday.

I ended up not going to parent teacher conferences last night because I got home from my afternoon appointment and pretty much crashed. Scott got me some turkey before he left, and I was able to get more food after that because the turkey gave me a little energy.

Have a diagnosis and a treatment plan is actually helping me feel better about not doing all the things I normally would. Without the diagnosis, I wondered if I was just not trying hard enough. Without the treatment plan, I'd be telling myself that all of this stuff has to get done-- long term-- whether I'm sick or not and would have gone to the conferences, accepting the fact that I wouldn't be able to do anything much at all for the next 1-3 days.

I'm still getting test results from Saturday's blood draw trickling in. Yesterday, I got the ferritin which was still (barely) in 'normal' range but low enough to be a potential warning sign even without everything else.

Today I got another result for a hormone-- ACTH. Like the cortisol, it's just a little bit high. I don't know and haven't managed to find enough information about that whole system to know how much which numbers mean. There are some tests where being 1-5 units outside of the lab defined normal range still leaves you inside the normal range as defined by, say, the Mayo Clinic. There are also some where being a couple of units up or down doesn't actually change much. I don't like the look of the things that most commonly cause ACTH and cortisol to be high, so I'm hoping it's not going to turn out to be anything but my anxiety and my body/brain fighting the anemia.

But I'll be surprised if I don't end up with more testing on this one.

I took a cab to my appointment yesterday and then the bus home. The bus station was closer than anywhere I'd have wanted to go and buy food. There's a Starbucks right next to the office where I had my appointment, but I thought that coffee or tea wouldn't help. There's a diner about halfway between the office and the bus station, but I only generally go there when I have cash. Any of the other places I'm comfortable going (mostly knowing that there's food that won't make me sick) would have meant a longer walk than to the bus.

I can tell that I was very out of it, though. I got to the crosswalk by the station and glanced over to where the bus I needed usually waits. I didn't see any buses (there can be up to three in that part of the block). I had the walk light, so I did. Then I looked again and realized that there was, in fact a bus there. It couldn't have arrived between when I first looked and when I looked again because it would have had to pass through the crosswalk where I was.

If it had appeared from nowhere, I'm pretty sure the other people waiting for buses would have noticed, so my brain must have glitched.

I slept with the c-PAP last night to see what would happen. I didn't wake with a headache, not even one that went away quickly. But I did wake a few times during the night and end up feeling less rested than I expected. I'm going to keep trying, off and on, to see if addressing the anemia changes things with the c-PAP.

( To-do list )