the_rck | (no subject)

I'm worried. I've been draggingly tired again the last several days, since about Thursday. That's after three or four days of feeling mostly okay. I have no idea what to do except to work at keeping going. Caffeine and sugar and fat aren't helping much (if at all), nor is the Provigil. Well, they might be helping. If they are, I hate to thing where I'd be without them.

I'm trying to figure out how to get in to see my doctor. Tomorrow, I see my psychiatrist (and I'm terrified of dealing with that since I'll have to bring Cordelia along. That would be exhausting even if all were well). A week from Wednesday, I have a mammogram. I'm using up my primary babysitting option for the mammogram. Why does school have to wait until after Labor Day? Why do my in-laws have to be away for several weeks right now?

I feel rather like there's a heavy, sagging weight in my torso, one that's sending out sedatives to my head and limbs. I want nothing more than to sleep for hours.

I suspect that ragweed is contributing to the problem. Not only is it currently blooming, but it's been cool enough that our air conditioner isn't running. That means I'm breathing unfiltered air. Sad that I need filtration.

My baseline anxiety has been twisting to new highs (or lows, maybe). I'm having trouble putting aside all the worries that I can't do anything about. They're worries about things that would be real disasters if they happened-- Scott losing his job. Scott dying. Cordelia becoming extremely ill. The house burning down.

I've also been feeling bloated and awkward, like my body's changed. I'm pushing myself to do a bit of time on the treadmill every day now. That only amounts to two days since the end of science center camp, but I figure that, if I can do that walk, I can manage some treadmill time. Goodness knows I need it.

I hope the exhaustion lifts soon. I'm at the point of bouncing my feet and biting my fingers to stay awake. Reading is too hard half the time, and I have to just forget about writing or thinking.

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I'm sorry you're feeling awful. *hug* Do you know if washing out your sinuses would help with the ragweed reaction? You may already be using a neti pot (or something engineered to do a similar job, like the NeilMed squeeze bottle), or have determined there are problems with it, but I found it very helpful. It's perfectly reasonable to feel miserable and exhausted, like everything is more difficult than usual, when you aren't getting quite enough air.

I am impressed that you're having a mammogram already. (I intend to stall mine another 8 or 9 years, but that's just me.) You're very conscientious. I don't know why they can't have some kind of minimal child care attached to the health service. (Like the little rooms with toys I've seen at some gyms, or courthouses, where you can drop off 2-9 year olds and have them supervised for an hour or so. Maybe they won't be happy, but they'll be safe.)

Your suggestion made me haul out my neti pot. I've been bad about using it (Scott uses his NeilMed every night). I also turned on the fan on the furnace as that forces air through the filter. Those two steps should help at least a little if pollen is a big factor.

I got my first mammogram last year. They scheduled this one then, and for some reason, I assumed it would be after the start of school. Now I just need to schedule my annual. That should have happened in July, but UHS is down to just one gynecologist and had no openings.

I got my first mammogram last year. They scheduled this one then, and for some reason, I assumed it would be after the start of school.

You're 42, with no family history of breast cancer, right? And none of the big personal risk factors like a history of radiation exposure or smoking, or having found a suspicious lump in the past? I'm not sure an annual mammogram makes a person safer than a mammogram every 2 years where there is no other risk factor. I recently saw the Preventative Screening Guidelines for Healthy Adults, published by The Massachusetts Health Quality Partners. They recommend annual mammography for women over 50, and "annual mammography at discretion of clinician" for age 40-49.

In other words, I don't think you would be doing yourself any harm, or putting yourself in any danger, by canceling next week's mammography appointment. If the clinic is crowded and they can't fit you in again until October, you'd still be ahead of the game. It looks like moving the appointment could make it easier for you to deal with urgent medical stuff (anxiety, fatigue, breathing) and basic self-care. I don't have asthma, so my experience is surely less overwhelming than yours, but I always need more rest when breathing is difficult.

I had the one last year because there was a sort of dent in my breast. The gynecologist said it was probably age and tendons but that we needed to look at it.

My family has no history of breast cancer, but they do have a history of cancer. That's what killed my maternal grandmother (colon and lung cancer) and my paternal grandfather (lymphatic and brain cancer).

I'm going to talk to my doctor on the phone to see whether I even need one this year. I'm sure my insurance would prefer I wait.

On the up side, I started the furnace fan going so that the air in the house is now filtered. I'm feeling incredibly much better. This strongly supports the ragweed hypothesis. I'm not looking forward to going out tomorrow, but knowing what's wrong helps immensely. It also explains why I've been worse on the cooler days than on the hotter ones.

Mammograms are NO FUN, but I think the alternative would be worse. Heck, I know it would.

Sorry to hear about the tired dragged out feeling. The last time I had that going on was when I had the month-long asthma attack. Do check to be sure you are getting enough oxygen.

About the anxiety -- do you think it's a consequence of the tiredness or is it a different bunch of things causing it? I don't know anything that will help with that, exactly, that you don't already know about. I catastrophize too. I've spent whole nights lying awake sure that my family members were all DEAD and I just didn't know yet. Gik.

If I didn't have to go to work, I'd offer to take Cordelia.

I think the anxiety is a dreadful loop. Being tired makes me more anxious, and being anxious makes me more tired. I don't usually catastrophize. It's too dangerous. I've just been doing it recently.

I just pulled out my peak flow meter, and I'm safely in my green zone. I thought I would be because I start getting chest achiness before I get to the point the pulmonologist suggested as the start of the yellow zone. I've more or less arbitrarily decided that the achiness is the real start of the yellow zone since using the rescue inhaler helps.

Anxiety is exhausting, never mind the other problems. *hugs tight* Try and live in the moment, take one step at a time. I know it's very hard, though.

Sending positive thoughts your way.

::hugs back:: Thanks.

Anxiety and fatigue seem to be vicious cycle for me, with each feeding the other. I'm trying to put the stuff the isn't immediate aside.

Tomorrow is nutso here at my house, but we could probably add Cordelia in to the mix and have her come for a visit, if that would work for you. If you're interested, e-mail me to talk about schedules? I'm off to bed in a few minutes, but I'll check e-mail tomorrow morning -- or call me sometime after 7:30 tomorrow morning if you need a Cordelia-watcher early?

I was going to say that I close the windows and turn on the furnace fan whenever there's too much pollen or other stuff in the air. But I guess I'm not the only one to think of that. :)

Feel better soon!!!

I've got someone else taking Cordelia this afternoon, so I'm covered. Given that turning on the fan/air filter is helping so much, I think I don't need to go to my doctor for the fatigue.

I very much appreciate the offer!