the_rck: (Default)
the_rck ([personal profile] the_rck) wrote2019-01-02 10:08 pm
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I'm feeling kind of weirdly avoidant. It's been happening a lot the last year or two and comes and goes. I have things I know I need to do and just feel like it's all too anxiety inducing. Part of it seems to be family obligation occasions; part of it seems to be times when I look at DW or Discord or whatever and feel like everyone's talking at once. I just get overwhelmed.

I don't want to disengage because doing that upsets me, too, because I get lonely and really do want something that simulates human interaction. It's kind of like feeling desperately hungry while knowing that food will make me very, very sick.

When I'm in this mode, it's very easy to let writing or reading something long just fill all available space in my brain. Story is protective, and I can let my anxiety leach into the narrative enough not to increase beyond what I can bear. Unfortunately, that leaves me damn all for picking up my to-do list and crossing anything off of it or for figuring out priorities beyond ordinary life-maintenance things.

I think that I'm not helped by having Scott and Cordelia home because my mind simply ignores my body's signals that yes, now would be a good time to sit down or to eat or stop doing that thing we're working on together. It's like my ability to self-manage vanishes when one or both of them are here because something in my head says that these things will only get done with help and can't be done right unless I'm helping.

I just have to manage one more thing. Always one more thing. Until suddenly I can't manage anything further. Hitting the physical wall of what my body can handle reverberates for days and tends to make my mind hit an equally immovable wall. I just never know quite where either wall is until I suddenly smack into it.

I'm trying to rebuild myself from us having sorted the stuff from Cordelia's bedroom on Sunday and packed up an entire carload of stuff for Scott to donate on New Year's Eve. I have so many small things that need doing, the sort of thing that can be put off until 'later' again and again.

At any rate, I'm in overload. I'm not sure when I'll be back in terms of reading, let alone commenting. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. I don't know.
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)

[personal profile] edenfalling 2019-01-03 03:10 am (UTC)(link)
*sends hugs and quiet thoughts*
muccamukk: Natasha standing on her toes to hug Steve. (Avengers: -Hugs-)

[personal profile] muccamukk 2019-01-03 03:50 am (UTC)(link)
Look after yourself. We'll all still be here when you can come back.

*hugs*
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[personal profile] qem_chibati 2019-01-03 04:19 am (UTC)(link)
I can relate. Good luck, and hugs if you want them.
fred_mouse: line drawing of sheep coloured in queer flag colours with dream bubble reading 'dreamwidth' (Default)

[personal profile] fred_mouse 2019-01-03 06:20 am (UTC)(link)
sympathies. I hope you find the space you need asap.
sylvaine: Dark-haired person with black eyes & white pupils. (Default)

[personal profile] sylvaine 2019-01-03 06:39 am (UTC)(link)
It really does feel lately like everyone is talking at once. *hugs*
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[personal profile] lunabee34 2019-01-03 12:17 pm (UTC)(link)
Hugs
evalerie: Valerie (Default)

[personal profile] evalerie 2019-01-03 08:02 pm (UTC)(link)
*hug*
ayebydan: by <user name="pureimagination"> (mv: valkyrie)

[personal profile] ayebydan 2019-01-04 03:44 pm (UTC)(link)
evalerie: Valerie (Default)

[personal profile] evalerie 2019-01-07 02:08 pm (UTC)(link)
Thinking of you. I hope you are well!
evalerie: Valerie (Default)

[personal profile] evalerie 2019-01-09 01:54 pm (UTC)(link)
Sending another wave of good thoughts your way. :)