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May. 20th, 2009 11:57 pmI owe several of you messages, comments and/or more tangible interactions. I don't know when I'll be managing it. My brain still isn't functioning quite right.
I've started taking Geodon for the anxiety. I'm currently taking 20 mg once a day, at bedtime. My psychiatrist wants to get me to either 40 mg once a day or 20 mg twice a day. Right now, my main side effects are fatigue/drowsiness and dry mouth. I'm not willing to up the dose or to start taking it twice a day until the drowsiness decreases because I'm just barely functional for the first 4-6 hours of every day right now. So far, I haven't noticed a decrease in anxiety, but I'm fighting to stay awake.
I've also gotten hooked on a Wii game-- Cradle of Rome. I'm not following the city building section of the game at all. The text for it is effectively unreadable. Shifting the tiles around to remove sets of three is utterly hypnotic. I can lose hours to it. The only reason it's not eating all of my time is that Cordelia loathes having me play anything while she's around.
Tomorrow, I'm determined not to start up Cradle of Rome at all. There's too much to be done. Scott's father will be coming in the afternoon to help with some yard work, and the cleaning lady will be here. There's going to be more preparation to be done than usual because Scott's been working on cleaning his study and bits of other rooms. He's at the pulling everything out of crevices stage, so there's a lot of extra crap strewn around. We've gotten rid of a lot already, but it doesn't look like an improvement.
I'm also stressing a little bit over the possibility that my father will come to Michigan this summer. If he does, I'll have to coordinate schedules with him. If he doesn't, I can visit my grandmother whenever I can find transportation and a place to stay. (The latter is a bigger deal.)
To be honest, if I never see my father again, I probably won't grieve. I know how to deal with him, but it's work. I don't want to put the energy into fending off his ego. Seeing him might be a good thing for Cordelia. He can be a lot of fun for kids, and his...difficulties don't show up with casual contact. If I could love my racist grandfather and enjoy spending time with him, Cordelia can love her irresponsible, everything-bad-is-somebody-else's-fault grandfather. My father's more fun than his father ever was even as his issues weigh heavier in my personal experience.
My biggest worry is that my mother and my father will decide to visit at the same time. That would probably mean a choice between not seeing my mother and being rude to my father. He'd maintain that they could both visit at the same time and be civilized and enjoy their granddaughter. He wouldn't even realize he was lying. My mother has taken great pains not to let him know her phone number, address or e-mail address. She was ecstatic when my sister and I both married because she could be fairly sure that she wouldn't have to be in a room with him again.
::sighs:: And I still haven't done any writing. I'm pinning my hopes on the weekend.
I've started taking Geodon for the anxiety. I'm currently taking 20 mg once a day, at bedtime. My psychiatrist wants to get me to either 40 mg once a day or 20 mg twice a day. Right now, my main side effects are fatigue/drowsiness and dry mouth. I'm not willing to up the dose or to start taking it twice a day until the drowsiness decreases because I'm just barely functional for the first 4-6 hours of every day right now. So far, I haven't noticed a decrease in anxiety, but I'm fighting to stay awake.
I've also gotten hooked on a Wii game-- Cradle of Rome. I'm not following the city building section of the game at all. The text for it is effectively unreadable. Shifting the tiles around to remove sets of three is utterly hypnotic. I can lose hours to it. The only reason it's not eating all of my time is that Cordelia loathes having me play anything while she's around.
Tomorrow, I'm determined not to start up Cradle of Rome at all. There's too much to be done. Scott's father will be coming in the afternoon to help with some yard work, and the cleaning lady will be here. There's going to be more preparation to be done than usual because Scott's been working on cleaning his study and bits of other rooms. He's at the pulling everything out of crevices stage, so there's a lot of extra crap strewn around. We've gotten rid of a lot already, but it doesn't look like an improvement.
I'm also stressing a little bit over the possibility that my father will come to Michigan this summer. If he does, I'll have to coordinate schedules with him. If he doesn't, I can visit my grandmother whenever I can find transportation and a place to stay. (The latter is a bigger deal.)
To be honest, if I never see my father again, I probably won't grieve. I know how to deal with him, but it's work. I don't want to put the energy into fending off his ego. Seeing him might be a good thing for Cordelia. He can be a lot of fun for kids, and his...difficulties don't show up with casual contact. If I could love my racist grandfather and enjoy spending time with him, Cordelia can love her irresponsible, everything-bad-is-somebody-else's-fault grandfather. My father's more fun than his father ever was even as his issues weigh heavier in my personal experience.
My biggest worry is that my mother and my father will decide to visit at the same time. That would probably mean a choice between not seeing my mother and being rude to my father. He'd maintain that they could both visit at the same time and be civilized and enjoy their granddaughter. He wouldn't even realize he was lying. My mother has taken great pains not to let him know her phone number, address or e-mail address. She was ecstatic when my sister and I both married because she could be fairly sure that she wouldn't have to be in a room with him again.
::sighs:: And I still haven't done any writing. I'm pinning my hopes on the weekend.
