(no subject)

I have a lot of things I need to do today, and I don’t want to deal with any of them. I’m just really, really thankful that I don’t have to go in for radiation again until Monday. My breast hurts like hell every time I move at all.

Radiation yesterday took a lot longer than it should have, and it seems that I should expect all of my remaining sessions to take a lot longer than we had planned (one of the things I have to do today is to call my various drivers and see whether or not they can still take me if things might run more than twice as long as originally expected). Basically, yesterday, they intended to switch over to doing more intense, more focused radiation, just on the area where the tumor was, but the scans they did showed that things weren’t where they expected them to be. There are some sort of clips in my breast where the tumor was that are supposed to show them where to aim the radiation, but those clips aren’t now where they were when we did the initial simulation. The doctor says that the problem is that breasts aren’t easy to get in exactly the same position every single time, so they’ll have to find the clips every session and then plan where the radiation is supposed to go before they actually do it.

They did another session of full breast radiation yesterday, rather than the pinpoint stuff, and they’ll do another general irradiation on Monday. The last five sessions, though, need to be focused. This will mean very long sessions for me with holding completely still in a kind of contorted position and on a hard table. The doctor apologized because she knows it’s going to hurt like the dickens, but there’s not much to be done. Letting me up to move around means adding another 10-15 minutes (and a bunch of xrays) to the process at minimum.

They spent about 45 minutes trying to get things set up to do the pinpoint radiation yesterday, and that included calling in the doctor to take a look. Then they sent me back into the waiting room for about an hour. Then they did the full irradiation. Then I had to see the doctor. Scott’s sister had to cancel a meeting in order to stay to take me home after. I feel really bad about that. We got home about 3:30.

I had been feeling pretty good yesterday morning, but, by the time I got home after my appointment, I was feeling pretty rotten. I’m not sure how much of it was physical and how much psychological. The whole thing is pretty depressing. I know that I’m almost done, but I don’t feel like I am.

Also, yesterday was apparently the last time I’ll see the radiologist. She’ll be away next week and won’t see me again after I finish radiation on the 23rd. I believe I can ask to see another doctor or a nurse practitioner any time if I have a concern, so this shouldn’t be a big deal, but, for some reason, it doesn’t sit right with me.

I think I’m going to be taking a lot of Ativan between now and the 23rd. I’m having a lot of physical anxiety symptoms that clear right up when I take Ativan. I know my psychiatrist is comfortable with me doing that, but I’m not comfortable with it, so I keep trying to avoid doing it which is just plain stupid on my part. Constant headaches (some migraine level), nausea, and intestinal disruption isn’t anything to deal with just because I don’t want to take a pill. I don’t usually have this attitude toward medication, so I have no idea what I’m thinking in reacting this way.

I really want to shower, but I don’t like the options— Either I have to deal with warm water on my breast or I have to shower in cold water. What with washing my hair and all, a shower takes me about 15 minutes, and that’s a long time for either type of discomfort. A cold shower might not be such a big deal if it were summer, but cold weather has well and truly arrived.

I don’t expect to need to go anywhere until some time on Sunday (and I can probably make Scott run those errands alone if need be), so I suppose I could just let myself be grungy until Sunday evening. I just don’t like doing that, either.

Oh, and I think I may have missed the window for voting in the OTW elections. I’ve kept forgetting to check. Maybe I’ll be lucky and voting will still be open by the time I get that far down my to-do list today…

(no subject)

Gah. I’ve had a headache for hours that’s been getting steadily worse and is accompanied by off and on nausea which is generally a sign of a migraine. In the last hour and a half, I’ve taken Tylenol, Amerge, and Ativan. I really don’t have anything else to try except naproxen, and I really don’t think that’s a good idea as it’s only been a couple of weeks since I stopped it due to it giving me all sorts of problems.

I know that, as long as I feel like this, lying down won’t help. I won’t be able to sleep at all. Putting an ice pack on the back of my neck might help, but it also might not, and doing that means trying to sleep in a position that’s not ideal for my breast (not that any position is).

At any rate, right now, I’m staying up and hoping desperately that something starts to help soon. Scott’s already in bed because he has to work 3:00 to 7:00.

ETA: Oh, thank goodness. I think the Ativan finally did the job. I really wasn't sure I should take it at 9:00 when I took it at noon, but it seems I really needed to.