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Dec. 26th, 2017 05:25 pmScott was cranky on the way home from the family gathering last night. We didn't leave until almost 9:00, and he very much wanted to stay. I think that he got cranky with me mostly because I was there and that it had more to do with having to work today than it did with anything else. He also apparently had a low level headache all day (in spite of naproxen and Sudafed). That all made him much less sympathetic to me not feeling well early in the day and to how I felt as the Ativan wore off.
He told me that I have a 'pattern' of getting sick at Christmas and not going to the family gathering. It's happened twice in the last fifteen Christmases, once when Cordelia was 5 or 6 and then the year I had breast cancer.
Scott has this vague but very powerful idea in his head of a perfect Christmas season. It's not realistic and doesn't actually connect to the things that he and I and Cordelia want/enjoy. He wants the three of us to spend a lot of time baking and cooking together in harmony. He wants us singing Christmas carols and-- Well, I actually have no idea because the baking was the thing he came up with when I pressed him for what Christmas togetherness actually meant for him in terms of things I could put on a list so that we all knew what to do when.
He knows it's unrealistic and vague, but he wants it very badly-- That moment of family perfection achieved by him doing something with us beyond a family hug. Maybe it's the engineer in him? An idea of happiness as something achieved by concrete steps that are the same for everyone?
Scott's sister had said that she was going to prepare some chicken for me separately since I can't eat garlic as late in the day as we were going to have to eat. Then, she never mentioned it again. There weren't any skewers set aside that I could identify as safe, and I really wasn't in a position to ask. Apart from some steamed zucchini that we'd brought and the bread, every single other dish was unsafe for me. We ate so very close to 6 p.m. that I wasn't able to have dessert, either. Dessert involved several pie options that I as pretty meh about. Scott's sister offered me dessert two hours before anyone else ate it, but I refused because it was already 6:20. None of the pies were anything that I considered worth delaying my medication for (I need two hours, minimum, of water only fasting before this particular one and then half an hour after as well. Keeping the medication near the same time every day is supposed to be important, too).
I think that my anxiety issues yesterday were a combination of too many people, too many things that had to be done outside the house last week, knowing that we'll be dealing with my parents tomorrow, feeling generally frustrated about some other things, and having to deal with someone I really would have preferred not to. (Scott didn't quite tell me that, if the other person considers what happened unimportant and/or says it happened differently, maybe I should accept that version. I think he might have realized how much that would have pissed me off. It happened. It was important to me, and the part I'm still stuck on isn't the part that he thinks matters.)
My parents did not come to visit today after all. There was too much snow for them to be comfortable driving on 94 between Kalamazoo and Jackson. They're going to try again next week some time, either the 1st (when we'll have zero options for things to do) or the 3rd. I'm not holding my breath. It snows in Michigan in December.
Some kind person bought me two months of paid time on my DW account. I've been meaning to say thank you for some time now, so--
Thank you!
The message from DW had no name attached for the giver, so I don't know who you are, but I am grateful.
He told me that I have a 'pattern' of getting sick at Christmas and not going to the family gathering. It's happened twice in the last fifteen Christmases, once when Cordelia was 5 or 6 and then the year I had breast cancer.
Scott has this vague but very powerful idea in his head of a perfect Christmas season. It's not realistic and doesn't actually connect to the things that he and I and Cordelia want/enjoy. He wants the three of us to spend a lot of time baking and cooking together in harmony. He wants us singing Christmas carols and-- Well, I actually have no idea because the baking was the thing he came up with when I pressed him for what Christmas togetherness actually meant for him in terms of things I could put on a list so that we all knew what to do when.
He knows it's unrealistic and vague, but he wants it very badly-- That moment of family perfection achieved by him doing something with us beyond a family hug. Maybe it's the engineer in him? An idea of happiness as something achieved by concrete steps that are the same for everyone?
Scott's sister had said that she was going to prepare some chicken for me separately since I can't eat garlic as late in the day as we were going to have to eat. Then, she never mentioned it again. There weren't any skewers set aside that I could identify as safe, and I really wasn't in a position to ask. Apart from some steamed zucchini that we'd brought and the bread, every single other dish was unsafe for me. We ate so very close to 6 p.m. that I wasn't able to have dessert, either. Dessert involved several pie options that I as pretty meh about. Scott's sister offered me dessert two hours before anyone else ate it, but I refused because it was already 6:20. None of the pies were anything that I considered worth delaying my medication for (I need two hours, minimum, of water only fasting before this particular one and then half an hour after as well. Keeping the medication near the same time every day is supposed to be important, too).
I think that my anxiety issues yesterday were a combination of too many people, too many things that had to be done outside the house last week, knowing that we'll be dealing with my parents tomorrow, feeling generally frustrated about some other things, and having to deal with someone I really would have preferred not to. (Scott didn't quite tell me that, if the other person considers what happened unimportant and/or says it happened differently, maybe I should accept that version. I think he might have realized how much that would have pissed me off. It happened. It was important to me, and the part I'm still stuck on isn't the part that he thinks matters.)
My parents did not come to visit today after all. There was too much snow for them to be comfortable driving on 94 between Kalamazoo and Jackson. They're going to try again next week some time, either the 1st (when we'll have zero options for things to do) or the 3rd. I'm not holding my breath. It snows in Michigan in December.
Some kind person bought me two months of paid time on my DW account. I've been meaning to say thank you for some time now, so--
Thank you!
The message from DW had no name attached for the giver, so I don't know who you are, but I am grateful.
