Wandering in Circles
Mar. 6th, 2002 11:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_rckI suspect that part of my recent problem writing entries has to do with my mood. I've spent a great deal of time lately in the sort of frame of mind in which nothing seems satisfying or interesting or even worth effort. I'm wanting something and have no idea what it might be, and I can tell that I'm about to latch onto something mentally and obsess about it for a while. That's a bit of my mental processes that annoys me.
Then again, wanting without focus is more frustrating in some ways than a sudden burst of activity researching a new interest, reading a new type of literature or watching a new show or than constantly turning a set of ideas and possibilities over in my head and poking them mentally to see why they might work or not. I just don't always get other things done as easily because I get distracted and my priorities shift. Since I stopped working, I've been a bit more vulnerable because there's so little in my life that I can't reasonably put off for another hour, another day. The dirty dishes will not rise in rebellion if I don't deal with them NOW, nor the clean laundry wander away and get lost.
So, do I want to keep an online journal? Read fanfic? Watch every episode of a given television show? Memorize poetry? I can. Getting the balance right is harder since I lose track of the time. I seem to have lost the knack of planning such things.
In a way, I think that my passing obsessions are a mechanism to keep myself from thinking about my problems. I definitely need something of the sort since I'm still in a place where thinking too hard can make me curl up in a corner and try to pretend the world doesn't exist (or that I don't). My psychotherapist asked me a while ago if I was bored or unhappy being at home or finding it limiting. She couldn't imagine being happy doing basically nothing for so long (It's been two years now since I last worked). I told her truthfully that I'm not feeling any real desire to push things. I do feel an obligation to get better and go back out into the world, but apart from wanting to meet my obligation, I feel no desire to leave home. I'm not looking longingly at the things I can no longer do and wishing that I could manage them. It's so much easier for me to keep my life within these boundaries; I spend much less time wishing for self-dissolution.
Then again, wanting without focus is more frustrating in some ways than a sudden burst of activity researching a new interest, reading a new type of literature or watching a new show or than constantly turning a set of ideas and possibilities over in my head and poking them mentally to see why they might work or not. I just don't always get other things done as easily because I get distracted and my priorities shift. Since I stopped working, I've been a bit more vulnerable because there's so little in my life that I can't reasonably put off for another hour, another day. The dirty dishes will not rise in rebellion if I don't deal with them NOW, nor the clean laundry wander away and get lost.
So, do I want to keep an online journal? Read fanfic? Watch every episode of a given television show? Memorize poetry? I can. Getting the balance right is harder since I lose track of the time. I seem to have lost the knack of planning such things.
In a way, I think that my passing obsessions are a mechanism to keep myself from thinking about my problems. I definitely need something of the sort since I'm still in a place where thinking too hard can make me curl up in a corner and try to pretend the world doesn't exist (or that I don't). My psychotherapist asked me a while ago if I was bored or unhappy being at home or finding it limiting. She couldn't imagine being happy doing basically nothing for so long (It's been two years now since I last worked). I told her truthfully that I'm not feeling any real desire to push things. I do feel an obligation to get better and go back out into the world, but apart from wanting to meet my obligation, I feel no desire to leave home. I'm not looking longingly at the things I can no longer do and wishing that I could manage them. It's so much easier for me to keep my life within these boundaries; I spend much less time wishing for self-dissolution.
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no subject
Date: 2002-03-07 07:00 am (UTC)I'm sorry that you have someone so close that you have to work with that acts like this. Most of my relatives take responsibility for themselves, maybe one aunt, but she is able to be pleasant and comforting every once in a while (not always though). I'm able to avoid her though, and hang out with my cousins or grandparents when things get too much. This guy and your dad probably find ways of inserting themselves into situations where they are *really* not needed.
I'll wish you luck and best wishes, with many hugs (because from this entry and my note, they might be needed). We're all going to be okay. I'm going to start a chant soon, I think... :)
All the best,
Ariana