(no subject)

[the_rck]

I'm not going to Thanksgiving dinner today. Scott told me explicitly that he would be fine with me not after we found out today that the timing is such that I would have to eat before everyone else and then fast during dinner and dessert in order to maintain my medication schedule.

(I'd have had to reshuffle things earlier in the day than when I found out in order to move the fast and such to be done by 3:00. Moving the fast later, starting it any time after 4 p.m. tends to leave me feeling really terrible the next day because I end up not eating the right sorts of things afterward because of the proximity to bedtime.)

I think Scott realized that I'm also just not coping really well at the moment.

I'm feeling really physically and emotionally exhausted. I know how to keep going through the physical parts. I don't deal so well with both together.

Some time Tuesday evening, my body hit the point of not being able to contain my stress/anxiety, and my brain started freaking out which manifested as a combined must-get-things-done! panic combined with a strong desire to curl up on the floor and sob.

The fact that I knew with certainty none of these things were more than phantoms, I got fairly cranky with myself and with the universe. Seriously, having my brain and body trying to tell me lies about the universe leaves me all wound up for a blow up fight which I know is not coming and know that, if it did come, I'd lose very rapidly because I don't have the knowledge and/or physical ability to fight, say, rabid mutant chickens.

Fasting during Thanksgiving dinner in the company of people I don't share interests with is no fun, tedious, etc., but it's never going to be more than that. Having my body and my emotions flip the fuck out when I know that it's just the social equivalent of having to go to the dentist every so often is frustrating. There may be possibilities for me making mistakes and accidentally being rude, and there may be no scenarios in which I'm not bored and envious of people eating things I'd love to eat (if it was, say, four hours earlier. I was never going to be able to eat those things at that time of day), but it's just one day.

I am a little worried that this-- the body losing containment of the stress-- is a side effect of the beta blocker I'm taking for my tremors. I would normally have more headaches and joint pain and IBS symptoms before the desire to curl up and cry and before my brain starts singing, "Guess I'll go eat worms."

All of this is why I've always found cognitive behavioral therapy counter-productive. The problem isn't in my thoughts. I know perfectly well that the stress is irrational, and holding that knowledge lets me keep it out of my head. Coming up with irrational thoughts to explain the stress just opens the door to let it into my head. I'd much rather have physical pain and a clear mind than physical pain and a brain full of weasels. I'm going to have the pain anyway because of ways in which my body is fundamentally broken, so what's a little more?

Also, asking me what I'm thinking about that makes it happen is like asking why there's a fish perched in a tree. There shouldn't be a fish perched in a tree; if there is, something much bigger is wrong, and that bigger thing probably needs attention first.

At any rate, Scott gave me a massage last night, and that helped immensely. He attempted to make the noodles and made a different set of mistakes than I did. Mostly, he cut the noodles so big that he needed to cook them over night in order to get them done all the way through.

He and Cordelia also both ate some of the salty noodles for dinner because they thought I was wrong about them being too salty.

Comments

[james]

That has always been the one thing I hate about other people making my holiday meals - they never accommodate me, timing or dietary needs-wise. Today should be okay, as it is me and my partner for once that have timing issues, and there should be enough food I can eat stuff. But so many times in the past, before I said no I'm just cooking at home, I was the one who was expected to accommodate everyone else even though my needs were medical and theirs were just 'we always do it this way!'

[wendelah1]

Holidays are stressful at the best of times. I hope you'll feel better soon.

[ayebydan]

I am really glad that Scott realised that and you were able to step away. ♥

[senmut]

Empathy your way.

[lunabee34]

So many hugs

[evalerie]

Big hugs!!