(no subject)
Oct. 3rd, 2019 10:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_rckMy hands and wrists were very cranky with me last night. I think I’m noticing it more because the prednisone lowered my pain levels for almost a week.
I’m still wobbly and having issues with my ears feeling blocked. I’m not all the way to dizzy, but I am at a point where I feel unsafe without a wall or counter or something else solid within a step or two. Heat helps with the drainage and so do certain ways of sitting/lying. Sadly, the useful ways of sitting make other things hurt. As far as I can tell, the problem is mostly muscle tightness in my jaw and neck. Sudafed and mucinex help considerably less than heat does, and the blocked feeling doesn't include pain, so I'm currently assuming it's purely mechanical.
I’m not sure I’m going to sign up for Yuletide this year. I’m feeling overwhelmed without taking that on. I love the exchange, and I got some amazing stories last year, but I don’t know if I can write anything to order right now. Maybe I can treat, but I think it's entirely likely that I'll not write anything new during the remaining months of this year.
Of course, some of this is me looking at the nomination coordination posts and not seeing things I’d want to offer. I tend to feel discouraged during early Yuletide discussions anyway simply because there are so many things I've never heard of or already know I'm not likely to enjoy. I might nominate a couple of popular for Yuletide fandoms that I'd like to treat in order to free up other people to nominate less popular things, and I'll look at the 5 minute fandom requests once the tagset is complete.
Mom came to town Monday afternoon. She rented a small apartment outside of town. She spent most of Tuesday trying to get her computer (brought from their house on the other side of the state) to admit that the rental's WiFi existed. She got that late on Tuesday by plugging her phone into the computer. She's not sure why that helped given that the phone doesn't have any sort of data plan.
She spent most of yesterday afternoon asking me and Scott questions about things I can and can't do and about the times when I respond irrationally (Scott and Cordelia agree that I do that much more than I thought I did. I don't actually necessarily notice when I have done it, though, so they're more likely to be correct than I am.)
I think I need to explain that my agoraphobia has two branches. The first is fear that I'm going to misjudge what my body can handle and fall or otherwise injure myself. Historically speaking, I've done this a few times a year. The less I go out, the less it happens. Any plan for going out also has to include a plan for what I do if my body breaks on me, for how I get home if I can't breathe or can't see or can't walk or can't spend more that a few minutes away from a toilet.
The second fear is that I'm going to get upset or be surprised by something and not be able to handle it without raising my voice and/or punching someone. I haven't punched anyone since I was about 12, but when I'm panicking, my physical and mental energy shifts to attack mode. It's much harder to walk away from an interaction with a clerk in a store or with a bus passenger than it is to walk away from an email or chat exchange.
It’s not so much that I’m afraid of going out and/or being in places with a lot of people. I’m afraid of the side effects of me getting surprised. Places with more people have more likelihood for me not to be able to withdraw or to put my strategies for retreat/self-protection into effect. There’s also more likelihood that I’ll be startled and respond without thinking.
I don’t like dense crowds because they make me helpless to take care of myself. The people are obstacles rather than threats.
Scott's work schedule is kind of ridiculous. Monday and Tuesday, he worked 12 hours on the factory floor. He had yesterday and today off (I think he has tomorrow off too) but will work 12 hours both days during the weekend. It's going to be 12 hour shifts with odd days off up through Thanksgiving (which makes UCon an iffy proposition. He's scheduled to work the Friday, and I'm supposed to run a game that morning. Probably the best solution is going to be me getting a room for Thursday night). He's finding the work physically exhausting in ways that worry me. There's a dangling possibility that he might be able to go back to scheduling if he can reach the point of that not wrecking him psychologically, but I hate to hope for it because it really was bad for him.
The coworker (now back on the factory floor) who had the scheduler job before Scott has told Scott that he, too, had a panic attack during his first cider season. Not too surprisingly, this makes me more frustrated with the company.
I need to see if I can get Scott out of bed. It's 11 a.m., and I need to make phone calls. I'd rather not do them while he's home, but that would mean delaying them about a week since none of them can be made outside of business hours. I also can't, in good conscience, make them while he's asleep because I get loud. I can't really put off the call to the dentist because I need a note from them by early next week and because they're closed on Fridays.
I’m still wobbly and having issues with my ears feeling blocked. I’m not all the way to dizzy, but I am at a point where I feel unsafe without a wall or counter or something else solid within a step or two. Heat helps with the drainage and so do certain ways of sitting/lying. Sadly, the useful ways of sitting make other things hurt. As far as I can tell, the problem is mostly muscle tightness in my jaw and neck. Sudafed and mucinex help considerably less than heat does, and the blocked feeling doesn't include pain, so I'm currently assuming it's purely mechanical.
I’m not sure I’m going to sign up for Yuletide this year. I’m feeling overwhelmed without taking that on. I love the exchange, and I got some amazing stories last year, but I don’t know if I can write anything to order right now. Maybe I can treat, but I think it's entirely likely that I'll not write anything new during the remaining months of this year.
Of course, some of this is me looking at the nomination coordination posts and not seeing things I’d want to offer. I tend to feel discouraged during early Yuletide discussions anyway simply because there are so many things I've never heard of or already know I'm not likely to enjoy. I might nominate a couple of popular for Yuletide fandoms that I'd like to treat in order to free up other people to nominate less popular things, and I'll look at the 5 minute fandom requests once the tagset is complete.
Mom came to town Monday afternoon. She rented a small apartment outside of town. She spent most of Tuesday trying to get her computer (brought from their house on the other side of the state) to admit that the rental's WiFi existed. She got that late on Tuesday by plugging her phone into the computer. She's not sure why that helped given that the phone doesn't have any sort of data plan.
She spent most of yesterday afternoon asking me and Scott questions about things I can and can't do and about the times when I respond irrationally (Scott and Cordelia agree that I do that much more than I thought I did. I don't actually necessarily notice when I have done it, though, so they're more likely to be correct than I am.)
I think I need to explain that my agoraphobia has two branches. The first is fear that I'm going to misjudge what my body can handle and fall or otherwise injure myself. Historically speaking, I've done this a few times a year. The less I go out, the less it happens. Any plan for going out also has to include a plan for what I do if my body breaks on me, for how I get home if I can't breathe or can't see or can't walk or can't spend more that a few minutes away from a toilet.
The second fear is that I'm going to get upset or be surprised by something and not be able to handle it without raising my voice and/or punching someone. I haven't punched anyone since I was about 12, but when I'm panicking, my physical and mental energy shifts to attack mode. It's much harder to walk away from an interaction with a clerk in a store or with a bus passenger than it is to walk away from an email or chat exchange.
It’s not so much that I’m afraid of going out and/or being in places with a lot of people. I’m afraid of the side effects of me getting surprised. Places with more people have more likelihood for me not to be able to withdraw or to put my strategies for retreat/self-protection into effect. There’s also more likelihood that I’ll be startled and respond without thinking.
I don’t like dense crowds because they make me helpless to take care of myself. The people are obstacles rather than threats.
Scott's work schedule is kind of ridiculous. Monday and Tuesday, he worked 12 hours on the factory floor. He had yesterday and today off (I think he has tomorrow off too) but will work 12 hours both days during the weekend. It's going to be 12 hour shifts with odd days off up through Thanksgiving (which makes UCon an iffy proposition. He's scheduled to work the Friday, and I'm supposed to run a game that morning. Probably the best solution is going to be me getting a room for Thursday night). He's finding the work physically exhausting in ways that worry me. There's a dangling possibility that he might be able to go back to scheduling if he can reach the point of that not wrecking him psychologically, but I hate to hope for it because it really was bad for him.
The coworker (now back on the factory floor) who had the scheduler job before Scott has told Scott that he, too, had a panic attack during his first cider season. Not too surprisingly, this makes me more frustrated with the company.
I need to see if I can get Scott out of bed. It's 11 a.m., and I need to make phone calls. I'd rather not do them while he's home, but that would mean delaying them about a week since none of them can be made outside of business hours. I also can't, in good conscience, make them while he's asleep because I get loud. I can't really put off the call to the dentist because I need a note from them by early next week and because they're closed on Fridays.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-03 08:47 pm (UTC)I'd be happy to drive you to UCon that morning, if you'd like.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-03 11:52 pm (UTC)