(no subject)

[the_rck]

I feel like I've failed as a parent-- Cordelia's soccer team has a game scheduled for 1:45, but the coaches wanted the girls there at 1:00. Our ride came at 12:40, but I had to send them off without us. Cordelia absolutely and adamantly refused to go. She wouldn't even get dressed or eat lunch, and she's too big for me to manhandle into clothes or out of the door. I tried to insist that she go, but she refused to budge. Nothing I could do or say made a difference. She did say that, if Scott can get her on a different team, she'll try that. She also said that she's intimidated by the detailed strategy that the coaches were trying to teach. She didn't understand it at all.

I feel like I shouldn't have allowed her to get away with not going. After all, I took a position on going, and I had to change it. Doesn't that undermine my authority? Won't she do this again for other things? On the other hand, she was in tears and truly upset. She told me after our ride went without us that she didn't deserve lunch (I fed her anyway).

I just hope she doesn't pull this when we need to go for more immunizations. We're due for more in maybe a month, and it's a shot that will hurt a lot (the second HPV shot). I can't physically force her to go, and she knows it.

I really hoped that, if we could get her to a game, she'd rediscover her love of the game. She has always enjoyed playing a lot.

Comments

[loligo]

I think this is a decision that will have its own real-life repercussions for her -- like maybe the friend on the team that she ditched is not going to be very happy with her. I think it's fine to just explain what your concerns were about her quitting, and let her know she's going to have to live with whatever consequences come.

My grumpy tween has been sullenly refusing activities right and left... and then she suddenly agreed to take karate lessons with her friend?? I can't even predict what she'll do anymore. We're just trying to roll with it.

[the_rck]

Well, the friend she ditched is one she seldom sees-- They go to different schools, and we seldom arrange weekend visits. I think they see each other a few times a year (and maybe for a week of summer camp if we can work out scheduling).

I just hope this isn't a trend, that she won't keep quitting things just because they get a bit difficult. The world is full of challenges that she'll have to face, and I want her to know that that's not a terrible thing.

[kyrielle]

If she truly doesn't like this approach to playing, if she wants a laid-back and casual game, if she wants socialization and the "friend" isn't a good friend (honestly, sounds more like an acquaintance from your comment), then....

...I think Cordelia did the right thing. Maybe not diplomatically, no, but she doesn't like the coach's style, she isn't invested in the game and doesn't want to be, and the way she wants to casually play isn't suited to what he's trying to build.

I think Rec & Ed's way of putting together teams is bogus, and I think it sounds like this coach is pushing beyond the level these kids normally are pushed to.

Perhaps local neighborhood pickup games kicking a ball around for fun would be more welcome. But it sounds like, in general, she doesn't like the competitive-must-win aspect. If I remember right, you get very stressed about competitive games - she doesn't, right? But how much of that is attributable to the fact that she plays for fun, and winning doesn't matter to her? The coach may be pushing her right into precisely that barrier.

I am sorry that it's too late to get the money back, and I might in your shoes call R&E and explain the situation and ask whether there's any way they could refund part or all of it...or offer another team, despite their policies, since this coach is being hyper-competitive...but I really can't fault Cordelia's decision under the circumstances.

You can honestly and firmly tell her the HPV shot is a health issue, and that she needs it. The same case can't be made for organized soccer, IMO.

[the_rck]

The friend in question was a close friend when they were both four. Then, they were together four or five days a week because they were in the same pre-school and because the other girl's mother and I swapped afternoons looking after the girls when they weren't at pre-school. In the years since then, they've always been at different schools, and that matters a lot. The other family also lives about twenty minutes drive away.

Unfortunately, there are no neighborhood pick up games. There simply aren't anywhere near enough kids around here.

I think some of the problem is competitiveness, but some of it is also that the coaches confused Cordelia, making her think she didn't know how to play any more. Soccer has gotten steadily more complicated as Cordelia gets older, and this team's strategy and such were aimed at eighth graders rather than at sixth graders.

[kyrielle]

Yeah, that's not good either. I'd say that coach doesn't know how to coach, unless he's trying to drive the younger girls off the team.

Either way, I don't think pushing Cordelia to go to this coach's practices and games is going to restore her love of the sport. And it might be something she leaves behind; that happens.

[evalerie.livejournal.com]

**hug**

I've been there too, and don't have any good answers, just maybe a sense of relief that it's not only me that this happens to.

[the_rck]

Thanks. It helps to know that I'm not alone.

[hopeofdawn.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry--it sounds like a bad situation to be in.

It may not work for this situation, but are there other things she likes/values that can be taken away if she refuses to cooperate in the future? TV privileges, computer time, etc?

[the_rck]

There are things I could threaten to take away-- her allowance, her iPad-- but I doubt that would have worked in this situation. She was desperate, and she'd been backed into a corner. She was already offering to give me every penny she had if I didn't try to make her go.

I do think, though, that that might work if she balks at immunization time.

[retsuko.livejournal.com]

That's a really tough situation to be in, and you have my sympathies. I think you're going to have to put your foot down about the shots (because of the importance of them, health-wise), but as for soccer, I've got nothing. My parents made me stick with violin lessons for a long time after I didn't want to, and although I understand their aims, it was a bad experience at the time and I hated every moment of it. But, as an adult, I wish that I hadn't stopped playing and given up. So that's a really tough balance. :S

sorry, I know that's not very helpful... *hugs*

[the_rck]

I will absolutely put my foot down about immunizations. That's life and death.

I'm desperately hoping we can get Cordelia onto the other team that Scott's been looking into. I think it would be a better match for her and would give her back the pleasure she usually takes in games (she's never enjoyed practices). I don't know what we'll do if transferring teams won't work. I don't think there's any way she can keep on with the current team.