(no subject)

[the_rck]

I just got word from my step-father that my grandfather, my mother's father, is dying. He's been bedridden for a while and is now completely unresponsive. He's been mentally gone for years now due to Alzheimer's. He can't remember more than a minute or so into the past, can't recognize his own children, can't find the bathroom on his own. Mom and her surviving brothers have been paying a woman to look after him in his home.

I haven't seen him in about ten years, not since we took Cordelia down to Florida right before she turned one. He was so thrilled to finally have a great-grandchild. He actually bought a crib for her to use while we stayed there. I'm sure he was hoping that more of his grandchildren would have babies.

In a way, our family has been acting like he was dead for years. Mom and her brothers simply made sure he was getting the best care they could find while the rest of us mourned. I regret that Cordelia never got to know Grandpa. I'm very glad that he got to meet her. He never met my sister's son (four years younger than Cordelia). He was too far gone by then.

I regret that I never got him to tell me stories about his past. There's so much I don't know. Mom probably knows more than I do, but getting stories out of her is like pulling teeth.

I've been expecting Grandpa to go any time for years, but now that it's finally here, I want to cry. I'd managed to forget how much I've missed him since he disappeared into the Alzheimer's. Now, all I can do is wonder if there'll be a memorial service somewhere where I can actually attend. Having a service in Michigan makes more sense than having one in Florida. A lot of his family is in Michigan. There's really nobody in Florida any more. He hasn't been able to keep up any friendships there, and none of the family is there.

Comments

[heavenscalyx]

I'm so very sorry. When they finally go, the pre-mourning does help, but it still stings. It's hard not to regret, or even resent, the lost years when they were here physically but not mentally.

[the_rck]

In a way, it will be a relief, but the grief is feeling sharp right now even though I know I lost him a long time ago.

At least he did get to meet Cordelia, unlike my other grandfather who died about six years before she was born.

I think Grandpa would have been appalled by how he ended up. I think he was really hoping to go some day while he was out fishing, and he hasn't been out of his house, apart from doctor appointments, for years.

[retsuko]

I'm really sorry to hear this. Even with the fore-knowledge, it's still really hard to deal with that sort of thing.

*hugs*

[the_rck]

::hugs back:: Thanks.

The waiting is over now, at least. Grandpa passed about an hour and a half ago.

[laurajv]

I'm sorry for your loss.