(no subject)

[the_rck]

I want to keep writing, but I’m feeling kind of like I’m wasting my time and like I’m heading further down the rabbit hole of things that work for me but that no one else in the world will ever want to read. I also just took a turn in the thing I’m working on that is something that I want there but that I’m not convinced I’m actually pulling off in the slightest. Since I actually want to post this eventually, that matters.

I wouldn’t think anything of it if someone else was writing self-indulgent idfic edging, possibly, into badfic/OOC territory just because it was what they wanted to write and was fun. I mean, why not?

I know I’m not the only one with this problem, in more general terms. There are always lots of things that are fine for other people but not for us. Just because we’re somehow not worthy or held to different (ever changing!) standards or some such BS.

But getting angry and beating myself up over it is just repeating the original problem, isn’t it? I think this game is rigged.

Comments

[schneefink]

Definitely rigged.
Have fun with your writing, and good luck figuring out where you want to go next! Do you have someone to take a look at what you're writing if you want feedback on whether or not something works?, maybe that will help.

[the_rck]

I don't actually have anyone because the intersection of fandom, characters, and topic/tropes pretty much eliminates the various people I would normally ask. The canon's Yuletide eligible, ten books long, and more than a little sexist and dated, so I'm not willing to ask someone to read it just for this.

[schneefink]

And canon knowledge is necessary for the feedback you want? Hm, yes, that makes it more difficult. Maybe you'll find others who have read it via Yuletide?

[the_rck]

I've written it twice for Yuletide, but the recipients specifically did not want what I'm writing now. I suppose I could look at who else commented or gave kudos.

It's a canon with a lot of politics and feuds and magic powers. Lots of complications.

[the_rck]

Oh, and most of the characters are unaging and very, very old.

[havocthecat]

Chronicles of Amber idfic? Write it! It's Amber. Someone will enjoy your id.

[the_rck]

I think I'm hesitant to share because my id is currently a dark, dark place. I've got Merlin doing things that Corwin might have hesitated over in full out asshole mode. Then again, who knows what on earth Corwin did? He certainly wouldn't tell Merlin.

Though I have realized that Merlin not trying to take Amber's throne might have more to do with him liking Martin than with him being sensible enough (at first) to know that he didn't want it. (I find Merlin really not wanting the throne to be a little too oddly convenient, you know?)

[dancingdragon3.livejournal.com]

getting angry and beating myself up over it is just repeating the original problem, isn’t it? I think this game is rigged.

This so much. Yes, you have to stop beating yourself up and go easier, IMO. I too don't think a thing about OOC fics, especially if they're fun, or touch the right kink. But I know other's look down on them, and that makes me very self-conscious in my own fan fic writing. And that doesn't seem fair to me, which is where I feel like you're going above.

I’m heading further down the rabbit hole of things that work for me but that no one else in the world will ever want to read.

This is also something I'm struggling with in my original fic, and someone earlier gave a great piece of advise to writers - Just write what you would want to read.

In other words, and I'm sure you've heard this before, but screw what other people think. Are you writing for them, or for yourself? Mainly?

I would love for everyone to love all my writing, but worrying about it takes out the fun from the process. There's got to be a middle ground somewhere, doesn't there?

I hope you keep writing, and writing about your writing. Take care today :-)

HUGS

[the_rck]

I think that, right now especially, I need to write for me. I really love sharing what I write with other people who enjoy it, but that's not the priority right now.

Except I can't quite convince myself of it.

[(Anonymous)]

Write what you want to read! And one should never feel guilty about doing that!

You'd be surprised - I bet whatever you write is exactly what someone is wishing would get written.

[ramenkuri.livejournal.com]

Oops, the anonymous comment is from me. Didn't notice that I got logged out.

[the_rck]

I suppose I'll find out if someone wants to read it.

I just really wish for someone who likes the fandom, the characters, and the tropes to help me figure out where I'm stumbling. I know there are points where what I wrote doesn't aim for where I actually ended up going, but I can't see them now because I'm too deep in. Does that make sense?

[ramenkuri.livejournal.com]

Yes, that totally makes sense. I guess the best way to find someone is to post what you have and see.