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Jan. 16th, 2003 02:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_rckThe holidays were fairly busy for me and Scott. We spent Christmas Eve at his parents' place and Christmas day at his sister's. There was much food and general celebratory feeling. Looking around during those two days, I thought quite a bit about the fact that next Christmas we'll have a child of our own. It occurred to me that my sister-in-laws in-laws, her husband's family, will very likely be a part of my child's family, possibly even more so than any of my biological relatives. They're here, you see, local, and we do a lot of things together so that Suzanne and her husband won't have to drag their kids to two separate gatherings for any given holiday. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day and Father's Day are all shared occasions.
I mentioned this realization to Suzanne after she told me that her mother-in-law, Sandra, wants to throw a baby shower for me. Suzanne didn't say anything in response, so I'm not sure if she agreed or how she felt about it, but her in-laws are good people. As with my in-laws, I'm not always certain how to deal with the cultural gaps (well, actually, I try to keep my mouth shut and smile a lot), but... Friendly, supportive people who don't try to tell us how to run our lives are to be cherished.
The notion of a baby shower is a little scary because it requires deciding what we need, what we want and all that. It's the sort of decision that I'm not all that good at. I dither. But this is an occasion where there are some items that have to be exact matches. We need just the right car seat(s) for example, and the stroller has to be one that I can manage and get on and off of buses.
And that leaves aside the question of who to invite. Should I invite my cousin's new wife? I'm twelve years older than he and have only seen him a handful of times in the last few years. She didn't invite me to her bridal shower (which I rather assume that she had before they married in July). Should I invite my Aunt Sally and her daughters who live somewhere in the western part of the state (while I live in the eastern). I haven't seen them since my grandmother's funeral, and I'm not sure I've even got the right address for them. Should I invite my sisters? There's not a chance in hell that either of them would be able to come (same thing with my mother) given that they live in different states. The nearer of the two would have to drive about 11 hours to get here. The other isn't even in high school.
I've kind of decided that all the women I game with and the spouses/girlfriends of those I game with really ought to be invited. That's actually a fairly impressive list just on its own. And it brings up another question-- There's one woman who'll be joining one of my groups soon who was involved with another woman I know. I wouldn't normally consider inviting either of them since I don't know them all that well, but with the first woman invited due to role playing proximity... I know they broke up a few years ago, and they aren't currently living together, but they seem to be spending a lot of time together from what I can gather. I may actually have to ask if they're currently together, but that feels dreadfully rude. (And this is not an etiquette question that I can push onto Sandra or my mother-in-law. I suspect either of them would pass out in shock at the idea that I might have lesbian friends. Well, I'm nearly certain that my mother-in-law would, and she and Sandra seem much alike. I also don't plan to tell them about the transsexual who'll be on the list... No reason they need to know.)
Over the holidays, I had the chance to see a few friends from out of town. Liz and her husband dropped by briefly. She's started medical school and is enjoying the challenge. She's also decided that she wants to be called "L" now. I think it's part of redefining herself and separating fully from her family back in this area. I'm going to have to work at remembering that, especially since I see her so rarely.
The other person who visited had a bit of a major announcement to make. Scott and I got to improvise on the etiquette of responding to someone stating they're about to start a sex change. Somehow, I've never seen Miss Manners cover this. It's a delicate balance between showing proper support, curiosity, etc. and either going overboard as if this were something universe shattering (which it is, I suppose, for the one making the decision but shouldn't be for anybody else) or more or less shrugging and saying, "Oh, that's nice." We discussed such things as figuring out proper body language for the transition and the point in the process to make such changes as using the bathroom designated for the soon to be previously opposite sex. We discussed transition in names and agreed to try to switch names now but didn't discuss pronouns which are rather more awkward. It's going to make conversation interesting for a while when this person comes up because we'll be trying to remember who does and doesn't know.
(And for those wondering, yes, some of you know this person. They said they didn't mind who I told as long as I let them know who I'd mentioned it to, but... It's really not my announcement. If you think you know who I'm talking about and want to be sure, e-mail them or me.)
I mentioned this realization to Suzanne after she told me that her mother-in-law, Sandra, wants to throw a baby shower for me. Suzanne didn't say anything in response, so I'm not sure if she agreed or how she felt about it, but her in-laws are good people. As with my in-laws, I'm not always certain how to deal with the cultural gaps (well, actually, I try to keep my mouth shut and smile a lot), but... Friendly, supportive people who don't try to tell us how to run our lives are to be cherished.
The notion of a baby shower is a little scary because it requires deciding what we need, what we want and all that. It's the sort of decision that I'm not all that good at. I dither. But this is an occasion where there are some items that have to be exact matches. We need just the right car seat(s) for example, and the stroller has to be one that I can manage and get on and off of buses.
And that leaves aside the question of who to invite. Should I invite my cousin's new wife? I'm twelve years older than he and have only seen him a handful of times in the last few years. She didn't invite me to her bridal shower (which I rather assume that she had before they married in July). Should I invite my Aunt Sally and her daughters who live somewhere in the western part of the state (while I live in the eastern). I haven't seen them since my grandmother's funeral, and I'm not sure I've even got the right address for them. Should I invite my sisters? There's not a chance in hell that either of them would be able to come (same thing with my mother) given that they live in different states. The nearer of the two would have to drive about 11 hours to get here. The other isn't even in high school.
I've kind of decided that all the women I game with and the spouses/girlfriends of those I game with really ought to be invited. That's actually a fairly impressive list just on its own. And it brings up another question-- There's one woman who'll be joining one of my groups soon who was involved with another woman I know. I wouldn't normally consider inviting either of them since I don't know them all that well, but with the first woman invited due to role playing proximity... I know they broke up a few years ago, and they aren't currently living together, but they seem to be spending a lot of time together from what I can gather. I may actually have to ask if they're currently together, but that feels dreadfully rude. (And this is not an etiquette question that I can push onto Sandra or my mother-in-law. I suspect either of them would pass out in shock at the idea that I might have lesbian friends. Well, I'm nearly certain that my mother-in-law would, and she and Sandra seem much alike. I also don't plan to tell them about the transsexual who'll be on the list... No reason they need to know.)
Over the holidays, I had the chance to see a few friends from out of town. Liz and her husband dropped by briefly. She's started medical school and is enjoying the challenge. She's also decided that she wants to be called "L" now. I think it's part of redefining herself and separating fully from her family back in this area. I'm going to have to work at remembering that, especially since I see her so rarely.
The other person who visited had a bit of a major announcement to make. Scott and I got to improvise on the etiquette of responding to someone stating they're about to start a sex change. Somehow, I've never seen Miss Manners cover this. It's a delicate balance between showing proper support, curiosity, etc. and either going overboard as if this were something universe shattering (which it is, I suppose, for the one making the decision but shouldn't be for anybody else) or more or less shrugging and saying, "Oh, that's nice." We discussed such things as figuring out proper body language for the transition and the point in the process to make such changes as using the bathroom designated for the soon to be previously opposite sex. We discussed transition in names and agreed to try to switch names now but didn't discuss pronouns which are rather more awkward. It's going to make conversation interesting for a while when this person comes up because we'll be trying to remember who does and doesn't know.
(And for those wondering, yes, some of you know this person. They said they didn't mind who I told as long as I let them know who I'd mentioned it to, but... It's really not my announcement. If you think you know who I'm talking about and want to be sure, e-mail them or me.)
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Date: 2003-01-16 12:38 pm (UTC)It's called "The Bride Wore Black Leather, and He Looked Fabulous" - it's about etiquette issues for non-mainstream society folks, especially non-heterosexual, non-monogamous, Pagan, poly, etc sorts of things. I forget the author right now, but the publisher is Greenery Press (and face it, there's not that many books with that title.)
Re: the 'I'm not sure if they're involved' - actually, standarard Miss Manners etiquette says that if you're not sure, you call the party you know better of the two, and ask - something along the lines of "I'd like to invite all of my female friends, and also the female partners of the people I game with. So I'd like to invite you, and... I know you and X broke up a while back, but I've also noticed you spend a lot of time together. Would it be appropriate to invite X?" Then, you've already given your criteria, and the other person can go from there.
The TG stuff is more complicated, obviously, but it sounds like you've got a grip on it. The TG folks I've known have been pretty tolerant of slips of tongue as long as you recognise what you're doing, and are *trying* to make the switch over - it's the persistent "No, I refuse to acknowldge this gender change" actions that are irritating.