(no subject)

[the_rck]

Once again, I'm angry at my mother. No, that's too strong. I'm disappointed. Again. The whole thing kind of demonstrates my frustrations with our relationship on a small scale, and I'm not sure why I'm still disappointed when this is so typical of her. I guess I keep hoping.

Back in October, my mother offered to come and help out with the endoscopy I'll be having on the 12th. I did not ask; she offered. So Scott and I made plans based on that. We're going to need two adults (apart from me) to make this whole thing work because somebody (preferably Scott) has to stay home with Delia, and somebody has to drive me too and from the hospital for the procedure (They won't let me leave without a "responsible adult" to look after me). I'll be groggy for about 12 hours and am not supposed to breastfeed Delia during that time. (Originally, the doctor told me 7 days of no breastfeeding. I finally got to talk to one of his nurses who checked the meds and said 12 hours. I'm calling Delia's doctor later today just to verify it, but it sounds considerably more likely than 7 days.)

As of last weekend, my mother still hadn't told me when she was going to arrive (or leave) and hadn't bought plane tickets or otherwise arranged to travel. When I called to ask, she said that she was talking to my brother about trying to have him visit at the same time she did. I wondered, silently, where they'd both sleep since we've only got one extra bed, but it seemed reasonable. Then she mentioned that an old friend was going to be driving through the area where she now lives some time next week and that she wanted to arrange to be around when he was. Okay, I thought, also reasonable since I only expected to need her for a day or two.

Last night, I still hadn't heard anything definite, so I called my mother again. This time, she said (more or less), "Oh, I'm not coming, but I've arranged for your brother to be there." After a little questioning, I discovered that she'd arranged for him to arrive the day *after* I actually needed him and that he could only come if he brought his ferrets.

Sigh...

I've fixed the scheduling. He's between semesters and can easily leave a day earlier, but... It apparently never occurred to either of them that I might want or need to know about the plans. And it certainly never occurred to them that Mom might have the details wrong.

The ferrets are quite another problem. He can't leave them behind because there's some maintenance work scheduled on his place. I have no idea if any of us are allergic to ferrets-- Well, Scott probably isn't. A friend of his during college had one as a pet. It's entirely possible that I am since I'm allergic to cats, dogs, rabbits, mice, guinea pigs and pretty much every other mammalian pet I've encountered. Hopefully, having them in the basement for two days (He plans to pen them up in our basement bathroom. I'm not convinced it'll be secure, but... I don't have any better suggestions) won't cause me difficulty.

To be fair to my mother, she tells me that she has to write a brief for a case that has come up unexpectedly. Of course, she's neither employed as an attorney nor officially in private practice (though she is a member of the Bar). The cases she does are those that (a) interest her, (b) colleagues ask for her assistance on or (c) are continuations of things she worked on before. I have no idea which this is or if it's something else entirely. I'm not sure I care.

On the other hand, she doesn't seem to think I have any reason to be annoyed or to think that she ought to have talked to me about the change in plans. She doesn't consider it rude, but I do. Rude is a kind description of her behavior. Not that I can get her to understand that. I've given up trying-- She simply says I'm silly or that I'm wrong.

I can't rely on my mother to carry through on things because she changes her mind, changes the rules and doesn't tell me. She's still the more reliable of my parents, but that's not saying much. My father makes grand plans and then can't carry them out because he lacks the resources. My mother makes sensible plans and then doesn't carry them out because her priorities shift.

I find myself wondering how much my parents' personalities have contributed to my anxiety problems. I know that they love me as much as they're capable of, but... There's no safety net. Well, there might be. I just don't know from moment to moment whether or not it's there and how large it is. I'd almost rather know for sure that it's *not* there. Then I could make plans based on that assumption rather than trying to layer things. I could say that I'll do x, y and z rather than that I'll do x, y and z if my parents flake out.

In case anybody's confused, my issue here is not that my mother's not coming. It's that she didn't bother to tell me until I tracked her down and demanded answers. I could work around Mom not coming, even if my brother weren't going to be here. It wouldn't be easy on such short notice and would become less easy with every hour that passed, but I could manage *something*.

I have huge issues with not being told what's going on, with being left hanging and wondering if anything will happen at all. Just damn well tell me and let me deal with it.

Comments

[alessar.livejournal.com]

You know what? You are TOTALLY justified. Your mother is being a real bitch about this. And I can understand that your primary issue is with her lack of communication, you're also justified at being peeved that she isn't coming.

You're talking about major surgery which she volunteered to support you during/after and which you made plans around her coming. Reasonable reasons for her to not come would be financial hardship to get a plane ticket, or being personally sued, or something like that. Choosing to foist your brother into helping so she can putter at something that interests her is inconsiderate and immature. Also, considering she's your mother, she should know you're ALLERGIC TO ANIMAL HAIR and that having your brother bring his ferrets is really just not a great idea.

Even so, if she could have just told you she needed to back out of coming with some reasonable notice, say, a month ago, I could sort of see it. It's not a life-threatening type procedure and she did volunteer and I can see she might decide this isn't a good time to try to visit. But yes, you are more than owed an update and being kept in the loop.

Sometimes, I want to let things like that just go and BLOW UP and then ream the affected parties out. Like, calling your mother on the day of the surgery all frantic because she no-showed. Like, not being home the day after when your brother arrives because you didn't know he was coming so you went to Florida for a week. (Ok, maybe I'm getting into passive-aggressive revenge fantasies here but sometimes I think flaky people need to have their noses smacked in the ramifications of their flakiness so they start being responsible for their actions!!!)

Of course, I'm bitter. >: )

[the_rck]

If I could think of a way to make my mother see what it is she does. When I've tried to talk to her about it, she just laughs and says I blow things out of proportion. And she's done this all of my life.

Thinking about it, though, I think this is why I react so badly when other people fail to answer my e-mails, letters, phone messages, etc. that contain questions. I know that people make plans and don't tell me and then get annoyed when I don't do what they expect. This is an Issue in my life.

Thanks for the support. I really do need some affirmation that I'm not the one who's being unreasonable. When it's a parent being so unreliable, I think most of us have a hard time being certain where the proper boundaries are. Parents are supposed to do things *right*... And this sort of thing makes me worry that I'll pull similar crap on Delia.

Oh, and an endoscopy's not exactly surgery. They're going to stick a tube down my throat into my stomach and intestines, but there won't be any cutting. It's still a fairly big deal from my point of view, though.

[alessar.livejournal.com]

Well surgery=my generic term for any invasive medical procedure but yeah, if you're medicated and need supervision it's still a big deal on arrangements. Even if this was you having wisdom teeth out and you were going to be loopy for the next day from anasthesia, I'd say it was a significant planning concern.

I mean really, it's one thing if someone forgets to reply to an email, it's another if they make new plans that involve you and leave you out of the loop. I could just go on and on about this and I think you know why. ;P

[lady-of-mists.livejournal.com]

You aren't being silly about this. I'm guilty of the planshifting thing myself sometimes, but it is usually just me going to be a few minutes to an hour late (when there is no reason for me to be there on time). (I'm a lazy bum sometimes, I know).

It sounds like a difficult situation and anyone in the practice of law should know that deadlines are *important*. Things have to be filed by a certain date or *gasp*, it isn't filed correctly!

:hugs: I'm sorry to hear about all this though. I've had some pretty flaky friends in my time that have done things like that. Usually worked out for the best with them. I was either sick and didn't want company, or didn't feel like getting out.

Anyway, rambled enough. You do have a right to be upset, but I think that knowing what it is like, you won't do that to Baby D. :)

[the_rck]

Thanks.

I keep wishing I could fix whatever it is in my mother's head that makes her do this. She wouldn't treat a professional commitment this way. I don't understand giving less courtesy to family.

[annewashere.livejournal.com]

No way, I'd be upset. She's being rude, there's no question about it.

[toxictattoo.livejournal.com]

Man. I could say all kinds of things, but in the end...I hear you.

Nothing is worse than being blindsided by a change and no one telling you, who is most affected by it, of the changes. It is rude. It's extremely selfish. Especially in light that you were depending on her.

I'm so sorry.

[the_rck]

It's bad thing to do under any circumstances. Having my mother do this so many times is why I try hard not to leave other people hanging.

But I think that this sort of thing, like many other selfishnesses, betrayals and rejections, is worse from a parent. Even once we're adults, our parents tend to be... How to put this? All the defenses I've built against the world seem to disappear when I'm dealing with my parents even though they're the reason for some of those defenses.

[alessar.livejournal.com]

That's exactly it. A certain amount of familiarity breeds a certain amount of -- not contempt but I would say a lack of respect. Even though you're her daughter it's not like you're a CLIENT. For instance, she needs to keep appearances up for a client, but not for you. Though we would expect her to regard you as more important, in essence she assumes you know you are and thus she doesn't have to demonstrate it. In fact she presumes that she doesn't have to do as much and can even drop the ball, all subconsciously. Understable, yes, justifiable no.

In related points, I hope K has called or emailed and apologized. I think his behavior is inexcusable. It's certainly understandable he was kept at work until 7. It's not understandable that he didn't excuse himself to go to the washroom and call, or even flat out say, "since this meeting is going after 5 I have to call and let someone know they'll need to make alternative travel arrangements tonight." With speed dialing on a cell phone, this could take place in less than an actual minute. Which I pointedly said to him.

[the_rck]

Of course, K hasn't called, e-mailed or apologized. I'm kind of betting that he won't volunteer it. I might be underestimating him, though, so I'll have to wait and see.

I am hurt and disappointed by the whole thing, and the parallel with my mother's behavior didn't help at all.

[alessar.livejournal.com]

After J said he could put the Robin episodes on a tape for you, K said he would do it. I pointedly said we needed it to you by the end of the weekend, so perhaps he will make the copy and then bring it over and apologize. If he fails to produce the copy, I will cancel anime theater even if it's the last minute and everyone is there.

[the_rck]

K delivered the tape about an hour ago. I'm hoping to watch it before Thursday evening, but a lot will depend on when Delia sleeps.

[merriehaskell.livejournal.com]

It would be rude if she weren't your mother. Since she is your mother, it's beyond rude.

[the_rck]

If she wasn't my mother, I could more easily avoid being in a position like this with her. It would be easier if I didn't love her. Then I'd just deal with her as little as possible.

Thanks for the affirmation. It helps to know that I'm not expecting anything impossible or even unreasonable.

[merriehaskell.livejournal.com]

If she wasn't my mother, I could more easily avoid being in a position like this with her.

Exactly.

[dormouse-in-tea.livejournal.com]

*rolls her eyes at your mother* I don't think you're being at all unreasonable. You're being more reasonable than I would be in the circumstances, though, so take that as you will. :P

Good luck with the ferrets!

[the_rck]

I've had 36 years to get used to my mother. Yelling at her never does any good. She just tells me I'm being immature.

I really hope that the thing with the ferrets works out. I don't know what we'll do if I turn out to be allergic. It's a nine hour drive for him to get here. Well, he used to live in Kalamazoo; maybe he's got friends there who could put him up...

[silmaril.livejournal.com]

To partly repeat what everybody else has said, no, you are not overreacting. This is, after all, not a case of "When are you going to drop by for a visit?" This is a case of "I'm going to need to depend on you." And if she doesn't understand why that is an issue... well. One cannot help wondering how she treats other people, outside family, that might depend on her similarly. For instance, this is definitely not a position she could take towards her employer.

I'm not advocating putting it in such impersonal terms to her, naturally---a brass ring gets you the One Ring that she would play the "But I'm Your Mother" theme in response to that---but there has to be a way to make her realize that sometimes being in someone else's shoes is not only a kindness, but absolutely necessary, to understand why they might be upset at you for blowing them off.

[dhaunea.livejournal.com]

You're not being at all unreasonable. You were counting on her and she set you aside without so much as a warning.

As for the ferrets? I'd look into boarding facilities at nearby vets or animal hospitals. If you have existing allergies... chances are good you will also be allergic to ferrets.

It would probably be easier and cheaper to board the ferrets than to board your brother.

[retsuko.livejournal.com]

Lots of people have chimed in here, but I will add my two cents: you are not being unreasonable. Your mother is acting in a very immature fashion. You have good vibes coming from me... I hope you won't be conscious during that endo-thingie? 'Cause I would freak out if that was happening to me! *hugs* and good vibes your way...