the_rck | (no subject)

We've reluctantly concluded that Delia will not be trick or treating at all this year. We thought about letting her do a house or two, places where we know people, because I think she'd enjoy it even if she didn't understand it, but the allergy problem rears its ugly head again. Almost any candy people might give out is risky. Anything with chocolate will have either dairy or soy. Many hard candies contain butter (not to mention that we think she may be allergic to red dye 40). Caramel's bad, too, of course. Not to mention that most Halloween candy doesn't come with an ingredient list.

I don't think Delia will notice this year, but next year will be hard, and I'm not at all sure what we'll do in the long run if she doesn't outgrow the allergies. We'll retest her at 3, and she's got a pretty decent chance of outgrowing the problem as long as we don't expose her to those allergens again before her immune system matures, but... I worry a bit. Scott and I both have food allergies now, so we know what it's like to have to be careful.

Delia's allergies have also brought home to me that I have no real idea of the etiquette of food restrictions from the guest side of things (well, excepting family occasions where I feel reasonable in letting the host know that there are problems well in advance of the gathering). When I host, I always ask if people have any food restrictions-- Food allergies, medication interactions, other health problems, religious restrictions, vegetarianism, and so on. For larger gatherings, I keep a list of ingredients so that people can check to see what's safe or not, and when we host potlucks, I ask people to bring written labels for the dishes with ingredient lists for the same reason. That may seem excessive, but... That's from the point of view of those without problems. To a person taking an MAOI, certain foods can be lethal. Allergies vary in severity. The worst that's likely to happen to me is bad rash and a migraine, but Scott and my mother could die.

If I could figure out how to phrase the question, I'd be very tempted to send it to Miss Manners. But there are so many variables... Type of occasion, number of meals involved, potential consequences of eating the problem food, relationship with the host/hostess, difficulty in telling by sight if the problem food is in a particular dish or not.

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From:

baka-gaijin.livejournal.com

Do NOT be shy about this subject. This is a very important issue. Your health, your daughter's... it's not something to play around with. I have to admit that I never really gave much thought about what my guests might or might not be able to eat. I need to take such things into consideration. Please don't be afraid to talk to the host of any event you are attending. I think Ms Manners would tell you that a guest's comfort should be the highest concern for any host. A food allergy is definitely going to effect that comfort/safety area.

I'm sorry that the baby can't go trick or treating. As you say, right now it's not such an issue. But kids catch on quick and she'll need to know why she can't eat the things given away. But as she gets older she may learn to enjoy the evening of going out even if she has to hand over her goodie bag to the parents at the end of it. :o)

From:

the_rck

Right now, the allergies aren't a huge issue for Delia because she's still young enough that nobody considers it rude if we bring food for her and feed her only that. Delia's only just starting to get interested in eating what other people have on their plates.

The sorts of occasions I'm thinking about are things like wedding receptions or a birthday party we went to that had a buffet. I'm trying to figure out when I should eat before going, when bring my own food, when talk to the host/hostess in advance and when ask questions about the food being offered. It's not been a big issue for me before since nothing seriously dreadful happens when I eat things I'm allergic to, but now... I'm still breastfeeding Delia and so can't have even minute quantities of the stuff she's allergic to.

From:

kyrielle

I would be very up-front when you get the invitations about the fact that it's an issue. Your hosts may not always be able to provide what you need, but then they'll have to accept that you don't dare eat their food. And they should let you know in advance what ingredients will be, or if they cannot tell you that, so that you know whether you need to bring food.

As far as Halloween, when she's old enough for it to matter, see if you can work something out with your neighbors where there's something besides candy at each house - little toys or something, perhaps? Those might give more long-lasting fun than candy anyway, and don't have dietary risks. Or, if you can eat candy and like it, explain to her that she can't eat it because it would make her sick (if that's still true then), but do a 'points' thing where you 'buy' it from her and she gets to pick treats she /can/ have (food or otherwise)?

From:

the_rck

Those are some good ideas for dealing with the trick or treating. I think some of our near neighbors wouldn't mind helping us out with that.

The occasions that have been most awkward so far have been things that involved a set menu for a largish group (like a wedding reception would) or family gatherings at restaurants. That's largely because we don't go out very much, though. We are mostly trying to bring our own food these days.

From:

jenett

I'm pretty sure there's some Miss Manners about it (and I'm pretty sure it's in one of the two I own). I think that's more adult-focused than child-focused, though, and that may change some of it a little.

(Since, after all, right now, she can't be articulate for herself, and may not really understand the significance of some choices for a while yet...)

That said, there are plenty of kids who deal with food allergies, or with other conditions where they need to be particularly careful. Schools are getting pretty used to dealing with it, and so other parents usually are getting more aware too. A quiet "Delia's got some food allergies, can we make sure there's something she can eat? Here's some suggestions..." is probably not a bad way to go.

From:

the_rck

Most of what I've been thinking about in terms of etiquette has to do with what I should do now that I have things I absolutely must not eat for fear of permanent harm. I'd kind of brushed the edges of it over Scott's beef allergy which is bad enough that, if his food touches beef or even a surface on which beef has been (unless that surface has been thoroughly cleaned), he'll get sick, but I hadn't articulated any policy. He's old enough that he should be able to manage his own questions of courtesy.

Most of what I've seen from Miss Manners on the question of food served to one as a guest says that one should simply quietly not partake of problem foods but doesn't address how one might know whether or not a particular dish is a problem or what to do if the consequences of a mistake are more severe than simple distaste.

From:

jenett

I'm almost positive I've seen some stuff somewhere from her which is "If it's just dislike, quietly don't partake" but if you get a dinner invitation, it's perfectly fair to say, as part of the acceptance "I'd love to come, but you may not know I [child/whoever] have some food allergies." and then present some stuff you can eat that's likely not to be a problem or be a hassle.

It's not fair to spring it on someone without advance warning, or put someone on the spot or something, but for advance invitations, it often works.

One of the bad things about allergies is that people sometimes don't believe it's Really That Serious and I know people who've had hosts try to slip stuff in that they're allergic to. At that point, I think if the consequences are serious, far better to be incredibly clear about the consequences and that you're following doctor's orders than take any risk.

(Personally, I'd be at the place of mentioning "If I knew someone who did this, I would feel unable to accept any invitation to eat food they provided again: I just can't take the risk." in casual conversation at some point, so people realised how serious it was.)

It occurs to me you might find something interesting in looking to see if there's advice out there for people who are vegan or vegetarian, or who keep kosher at home (I know a number of people who keep kosher at home, and avoid obviously non-kosher food when eating elsewhere, but don't worry about kosher kitchens. So they avoid ham and meat+milk, and shellfish)

The other one is to see if you can bring a dish that can be reheated - my brother used to do this when he was vegan and would come to visit Mom. She made reasonable attempts to cook stuff that would work, but it meant she didn't have to completely relearn all her cooking methods or get new ingredients. (intriguingly enough, she's now eating relatively little meat, adn al ot more soy-based stuff.)

From:

adrian-turtle.livejournal.com

I'd suggest telling a few selected neighbors who have toddlers that Delia has severe food allergies, so it's not safe for her to eat many kinds of food if they haven't been thoroughly checked out. People hosting a small child shouldn't be expected to read food labels the way you do, but they can reasonably be expected to give the child *only* the food you brought for her. (Or the food she brings for herself, when she's older.)

If you want her to have the Halloween experience, you can find, or make, a few "Delia-safe treats." Go to a few neighbors with toddlers ahead of time, and prep them with explanations and some of the special treats, if necessary. (Some might already be planning to hand out stickers or little boxes of raisins or somesuch.) It's just going to be a few houses, and people you know. So they can admire her costume and she can enjoy the experience. When the local child was about that age, she got mixed up and said "peek a boo!" instead of "trick or treat!" but nobody minded.

From:

the_rck

I think that prepping the neighbors might be the way to go. I can think of a couple who would go along with it, and I'm sure we can come up with something, especially since we wouldn't be limited by needing obviously safe treats-- We know that what we give to our own child can be trusted. (Do people still give out raisins? I thought they were on the list of easily tampered with foods that parents would throw out.)

I do plan to tell the mothers of other toddlers in the neighborhood that they shouldn't give Delia anything that either we haven't looked over and okayed or sent with her. Right now, Delia's not visiting anywhere without at least one parent along, so it's a bit easier to police things than it will be in another year or two.

And the 'peek a boo!' think is *very* cute.