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Jun. 25th, 2007 11:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_rckI'm currently sitting in an Espresso Royale and feeling cranky. Delia's at vacation bible camp at the church that houses her pre-school. I have to pick her up in an hour and forty-five minutes. I'd hoped to be able to wait at the church and to use the wireless available in the Wesley lounge, but they're using that for the camp, so I'm going to have to spend money every day in order to have a place to sit and type.
They have places where I can sit at the church (not necessarily very comfortable ones), but there's no place to plug in the laptop and no wireless. Plus, they keep trying to draft me to help with the camp. I can't work for three hours and still get Delia home afterward. Not today. There may be some days this week when I can, but today is not one of them. If it were afternoon, I'd be more willing to try, but I have to get through the afternoon with Delia, feed her lunch, keep her amused and all, after we get home.
It's rather lowering to realize how much I was counting on a place to sit at the church and work. It's even moreso to realize that the two blocks walk to get here wore me out, that I was right in thinking that the library (four blocks from the church) was beyond my reach today. I could get there. I probably could even get back to the church to pick Delia up. I couldn't get us both home afterward. Or maybe I could. Maybe.
Delia's just starting to realize that there's something not quite normal about me. She hasn't quite found the words to ask the questions yet, but they're starting to form. She wants to know why other mothers can do things that I can't. I've told her that Mama's body doesn't work quite as well as most other people's, and so far, that's been enough. I'm sure, though, that 'Why?' is coming soon. Explaining generalized anxiety, agoraphobia, fibromyalgia and asthma to a four year old is rather intimidating.
I'm particularly uncertain about the anxiety and agoraphobia. How do I explain to a four year old that my perceptions of the world are messed up? She trusts me to see the world and help her navigate through it, and my map is severely flawed. I don't want her either to try to use my map or to reject my guidance. Since I know the ways my map is flawed, I can work around them, but... How do I avoid teaching her coping strategies that she doesn't (I hope) need?
I've been trying to write some entries talking about my disabilities and abilities, defining what I can do, what I can't do and the gray area of things that I can sometimes do if I'm careful or if I give up something else. I keep discarding them half completed because I can't find a way to express myself that's true, adequate and not whiny. Part of me wants to try to use positive statements, to say things in terms of what I *can* do, but that's not adequate for many things and often feels false.
June has been very busy. Delia's had something going on every week. Her pre-school had a two week camp, three mornings a week, for the first two weeks of the month. Then, last week, she had camp in the afternoons at the nature center near our house. This week is vacation bible camp. After that, we have a large empty zone until round about the 23rd of July. Then we'll have another nature center camp followed by another empty zone until the last week of August (when we'll have the final week of nature center camp).
The nature center camp has been hard for me. It's only about four blocks from our house, but there's a steep hill involved. To get there, we have to go down the hill, over and then back up it. (There may be a way to get there by cutting through people's backyards, but most of the neighborhood has fences, and I really don't want to trespass repeatedly in hopes of finding a short cut.) This means that I can't go home while Delia's at camp. That round trip is not something I can do twice in one day. It isn't even something I could manage without resting between the trip there and the trip home.
At any rate, that meant that I took books with me and sat outside while Delia was at camp. The first day, I discovered that I couldn't let her see me. She was her normal self, outgoing and enthusiastic, as long as she couldn't see me. The minute she saw me, she stuck her thumb in her mouth, refused to participate in group activities and worked herself up to crying. I had to abandon my book and go hold her. It took me ten minutes to convince her that she could do anything that involved going out of touching distance of me. After that, I consulted with the teachers at the start of each session to find out where the kids would be when so that I could hide.
The hard part of hiding is that the place really doesn't have very many shady places to sit if one's unable to sit on the ground. Also, all of the bathrooms are clustered in a small area (there are three or four) in buildings that face the area where Delia's group often played. I was drinking to stay hydrated in the heat, and that often left me feeling a certain urgency about getting to a bathroom (there were enough people around for me not to feel that the woods were a good idea).
I did conclude that I must adore my daughter to be paying money to spend fifteen afternoons like that, especially given that July and August will be hotter and therefore less pleasant outside. The nature center is beautiful, but I really hate being outside, especially if there are people around. I can center myself a bit and just be there, but it's tiring.
Delia has mostly enjoyed the camps so far. There was one incident at the pre-school camp that's still having repercussions-- I think it's responsible for the clinginess and for the fact that she keeps telling me that she wants to be a baby again. Basically, they had 'water day' on the last Wednesday of the pre-school camp. Something happened, and I've only been able to pull together pieces. This is the drawback of not being able to pick Delia up myself. If I'd been there, the teachers would have told me in detail. I wasn't, so I had to figure out from Delia that something had happened and then ask the woman running the camp. She hadn't actually seen the incident, though, so she could only tell me a little bit.
My impression is that Delia got a bit over excited about a 'water slide.' (I'm not clear what the water slide was. Nobody's given me a clear description.) The rules were that no more than two children could be on it at a time. Delia jumped on as the third child and barreled into somebody (one of her friends, if I understand correctly). The mother supervising their group reprimanded Delia.
This is the sticky part. I don't know if it was a simple, unemotional, 'Please remember the rules, Delia,' or if it was an angry yell or what was involved. I do know that Delia started crying hard enough that one of the other mothers had to take her inside for a drink of water. I know that because I e-mailed the woman in charge and asked what had happened. Nobody bothered to tell me because doing so would require extra effort-- a phone call or an e-mail.
Since then, Delia's been clinging to me when I'm available. She's been insisting that she wants to be a baby (though she'll admit that she's only pretending when I press). She wants to sit on my lap when we're at home and would rather snuggle with me than play with her toys. She's also reacting strongly to even mild reprimands. She'll snap back with, 'Don't yell at me!' or 'Stop yelling!' when I haven't even raised my voice. We have not (thank goodness!) had regression over toilet use or eating or anything like that.
I do think that Delia was mostly embarrassed by whatever happened with the waterslide. She wanted desperately to play on it, and she screwed up. Whatever the mother said forced her to admit that she'd messed up, and she really, really wanted to rewrite reality. (We're still having trouble getting her to apologize for anything.)
I also suspect that she wasn't helped by the fact that two of her pre-school friends were in her group and had been doing a little bit of hot and cold in terms of including and excluding her. I saw it the day that I assisted because these were the girls whose mothers were giving us transportation, so all three girls were in the same car on the way to camp and on the way home. That day, the two other girls made fun of Delia sitting in the 'baby seat' of the three car seats and went on about how they were going to have a playdate together that afternoon without her. I tried to help Delia out by talking about the playdate we had planned for that afternoon, but that back fired later because the other mother completely forgot about it and wasn't answering her cell phone. Delia was deeply disappointed.
Delia's been walking places instead of riding in her stroller. She did most of the nature center camp without the stroller, and we left it at home today. I hope that I don't regret the stroller, but I was afraid to bring it. The bus we took in is almost always crowded, and I knew that, between eight and nine, it was likely to be *very* crowded. I really didn't want to have to cope with the stroller if we had to stand on the bus. (As it turned out, we were able to find seats. The bus was about ¾ full, much less crowded than I'd expected.)
I'd actually considered taking a different bus, but the #2 bus has too many advantages. First, it runs every fifteen minutes (the other option is every half hour). That means that missing the one I intended to catch isn't a disaster. Second, there's a shelter at the stop with a bench (the other stop has no bench and no shelter). Third, the bus stop where we get off is no more than a dozen yards from the church where the camp is (the other option would be 4-5 blocks away). On the down side, the #2 route is further from our house. It's rather near the extreme edge of what I can reliably walk (sufficiently so that I'd rather take the bus downtown and transfer to get home rather than walk home from the stop. We do *not* take the #2 home. Ever). It's also always crowded, often hitting standing room only during peak hours.
Well, my time is almost up. I'll just post this and pack up. I need to be back at the church by noon.
I am hoping to write more LJ entries this week and to write some fiction as well. ::crosses fingers:: I need to write, so I hope it will work.
They have places where I can sit at the church (not necessarily very comfortable ones), but there's no place to plug in the laptop and no wireless. Plus, they keep trying to draft me to help with the camp. I can't work for three hours and still get Delia home afterward. Not today. There may be some days this week when I can, but today is not one of them. If it were afternoon, I'd be more willing to try, but I have to get through the afternoon with Delia, feed her lunch, keep her amused and all, after we get home.
It's rather lowering to realize how much I was counting on a place to sit at the church and work. It's even moreso to realize that the two blocks walk to get here wore me out, that I was right in thinking that the library (four blocks from the church) was beyond my reach today. I could get there. I probably could even get back to the church to pick Delia up. I couldn't get us both home afterward. Or maybe I could. Maybe.
Delia's just starting to realize that there's something not quite normal about me. She hasn't quite found the words to ask the questions yet, but they're starting to form. She wants to know why other mothers can do things that I can't. I've told her that Mama's body doesn't work quite as well as most other people's, and so far, that's been enough. I'm sure, though, that 'Why?' is coming soon. Explaining generalized anxiety, agoraphobia, fibromyalgia and asthma to a four year old is rather intimidating.
I'm particularly uncertain about the anxiety and agoraphobia. How do I explain to a four year old that my perceptions of the world are messed up? She trusts me to see the world and help her navigate through it, and my map is severely flawed. I don't want her either to try to use my map or to reject my guidance. Since I know the ways my map is flawed, I can work around them, but... How do I avoid teaching her coping strategies that she doesn't (I hope) need?
I've been trying to write some entries talking about my disabilities and abilities, defining what I can do, what I can't do and the gray area of things that I can sometimes do if I'm careful or if I give up something else. I keep discarding them half completed because I can't find a way to express myself that's true, adequate and not whiny. Part of me wants to try to use positive statements, to say things in terms of what I *can* do, but that's not adequate for many things and often feels false.
June has been very busy. Delia's had something going on every week. Her pre-school had a two week camp, three mornings a week, for the first two weeks of the month. Then, last week, she had camp in the afternoons at the nature center near our house. This week is vacation bible camp. After that, we have a large empty zone until round about the 23rd of July. Then we'll have another nature center camp followed by another empty zone until the last week of August (when we'll have the final week of nature center camp).
The nature center camp has been hard for me. It's only about four blocks from our house, but there's a steep hill involved. To get there, we have to go down the hill, over and then back up it. (There may be a way to get there by cutting through people's backyards, but most of the neighborhood has fences, and I really don't want to trespass repeatedly in hopes of finding a short cut.) This means that I can't go home while Delia's at camp. That round trip is not something I can do twice in one day. It isn't even something I could manage without resting between the trip there and the trip home.
At any rate, that meant that I took books with me and sat outside while Delia was at camp. The first day, I discovered that I couldn't let her see me. She was her normal self, outgoing and enthusiastic, as long as she couldn't see me. The minute she saw me, she stuck her thumb in her mouth, refused to participate in group activities and worked herself up to crying. I had to abandon my book and go hold her. It took me ten minutes to convince her that she could do anything that involved going out of touching distance of me. After that, I consulted with the teachers at the start of each session to find out where the kids would be when so that I could hide.
The hard part of hiding is that the place really doesn't have very many shady places to sit if one's unable to sit on the ground. Also, all of the bathrooms are clustered in a small area (there are three or four) in buildings that face the area where Delia's group often played. I was drinking to stay hydrated in the heat, and that often left me feeling a certain urgency about getting to a bathroom (there were enough people around for me not to feel that the woods were a good idea).
I did conclude that I must adore my daughter to be paying money to spend fifteen afternoons like that, especially given that July and August will be hotter and therefore less pleasant outside. The nature center is beautiful, but I really hate being outside, especially if there are people around. I can center myself a bit and just be there, but it's tiring.
Delia has mostly enjoyed the camps so far. There was one incident at the pre-school camp that's still having repercussions-- I think it's responsible for the clinginess and for the fact that she keeps telling me that she wants to be a baby again. Basically, they had 'water day' on the last Wednesday of the pre-school camp. Something happened, and I've only been able to pull together pieces. This is the drawback of not being able to pick Delia up myself. If I'd been there, the teachers would have told me in detail. I wasn't, so I had to figure out from Delia that something had happened and then ask the woman running the camp. She hadn't actually seen the incident, though, so she could only tell me a little bit.
My impression is that Delia got a bit over excited about a 'water slide.' (I'm not clear what the water slide was. Nobody's given me a clear description.) The rules were that no more than two children could be on it at a time. Delia jumped on as the third child and barreled into somebody (one of her friends, if I understand correctly). The mother supervising their group reprimanded Delia.
This is the sticky part. I don't know if it was a simple, unemotional, 'Please remember the rules, Delia,' or if it was an angry yell or what was involved. I do know that Delia started crying hard enough that one of the other mothers had to take her inside for a drink of water. I know that because I e-mailed the woman in charge and asked what had happened. Nobody bothered to tell me because doing so would require extra effort-- a phone call or an e-mail.
Since then, Delia's been clinging to me when I'm available. She's been insisting that she wants to be a baby (though she'll admit that she's only pretending when I press). She wants to sit on my lap when we're at home and would rather snuggle with me than play with her toys. She's also reacting strongly to even mild reprimands. She'll snap back with, 'Don't yell at me!' or 'Stop yelling!' when I haven't even raised my voice. We have not (thank goodness!) had regression over toilet use or eating or anything like that.
I do think that Delia was mostly embarrassed by whatever happened with the waterslide. She wanted desperately to play on it, and she screwed up. Whatever the mother said forced her to admit that she'd messed up, and she really, really wanted to rewrite reality. (We're still having trouble getting her to apologize for anything.)
I also suspect that she wasn't helped by the fact that two of her pre-school friends were in her group and had been doing a little bit of hot and cold in terms of including and excluding her. I saw it the day that I assisted because these were the girls whose mothers were giving us transportation, so all three girls were in the same car on the way to camp and on the way home. That day, the two other girls made fun of Delia sitting in the 'baby seat' of the three car seats and went on about how they were going to have a playdate together that afternoon without her. I tried to help Delia out by talking about the playdate we had planned for that afternoon, but that back fired later because the other mother completely forgot about it and wasn't answering her cell phone. Delia was deeply disappointed.
Delia's been walking places instead of riding in her stroller. She did most of the nature center camp without the stroller, and we left it at home today. I hope that I don't regret the stroller, but I was afraid to bring it. The bus we took in is almost always crowded, and I knew that, between eight and nine, it was likely to be *very* crowded. I really didn't want to have to cope with the stroller if we had to stand on the bus. (As it turned out, we were able to find seats. The bus was about ¾ full, much less crowded than I'd expected.)
I'd actually considered taking a different bus, but the #2 bus has too many advantages. First, it runs every fifteen minutes (the other option is every half hour). That means that missing the one I intended to catch isn't a disaster. Second, there's a shelter at the stop with a bench (the other stop has no bench and no shelter). Third, the bus stop where we get off is no more than a dozen yards from the church where the camp is (the other option would be 4-5 blocks away). On the down side, the #2 route is further from our house. It's rather near the extreme edge of what I can reliably walk (sufficiently so that I'd rather take the bus downtown and transfer to get home rather than walk home from the stop. We do *not* take the #2 home. Ever). It's also always crowded, often hitting standing room only during peak hours.
Well, my time is almost up. I'll just post this and pack up. I need to be back at the church by noon.
I am hoping to write more LJ entries this week and to write some fiction as well. ::crosses fingers:: I need to write, so I hope it will work.
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no subject
Date: 2007-06-25 06:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-27 01:37 am (UTC)Fibromyalgia's also hard because what's possible (or impossible) one day won't always be the next. A lot of my 'hard' limits are fairly arbitrary. I define them to be on the safe side of the gray zone of the possible so that I stick with the probable. That means that Delia sometimes sees me doing things that I've said I can't do.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-27 03:52 am (UTC)I know it's really hard with fibromyalgia, because so much of it is a matter of dealing with your total resources (energy levels, ability to deal with pain, allergen exposure, etc) over time. Delia does not have enough memory and perspective to understand that kind of planning. A lot of adults can't grasp it, because it's so different from the way humans think in other contexts. We expect how we feel to be a function of immediate input, like falling out of a tree. Or a function of recent input, like food poisoning. Or maybe a function of time, like menstrual cramps. But fibro is really confusing.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-27 04:28 pm (UTC)I did a little poking around on Amazon last night and didn't find anything, but I'm not sure that I came up with the right keywords.
This is also something to ask the folks who work in the children's room at the public library.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-27 02:03 pm (UTC)I sure hope it wasn't me who spaced the playdate. I don't think I've missed any, and I try really really really hard to never *ever* stand up little kids. But I'm awfully good at forgetting things, and so I worry that it might have been me.
**hugs** to Delia about the waterslide incident.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-27 04:32 pm (UTC)It wasn't you who spaced. It wasn't anybody who has this LJ friended. It was just one of those things that happened and is the reason that I usually won't tell Delia about planned playdates until they're about to happen.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-27 04:41 pm (UTC)Arlo's elementary school has a rule that if anybody wants to be included in a game, you find a way to add them in. I think this is a very seriously good rule. I wish all schools had it.