(no subject)

[the_rck]

I've been considering the difficulties of being an extrovert-- someone who's energized by interactions with other people-- and an agoraphobe with generalized anxiety, social phobias, mobility problems, etc. I haven't reached any conclusions, really, except that I'm also rather an elitist extrovert. I don't recharge from just any social interactions. Most of them cost too many spoons to be helpful, and I can't tell, before I spend the spoons, whether or not I'll get anything back.

This makes me cling to established connections, sometimes longer than I should. I can, for example, call my mother any time. I get damn all back from it most of the time, but the investment required is extremely low, so I keep doing it. Delia has eased those conversations immensely because she's one of the few things in my life that actually interests my mother. She doesn't cut the conversation short as long as it's about her granddaughter.

It also means that, in a situation where I can talk to someone safely, I talk-- Unless I see them and talk to them regularly. I'm not always as good with the listening. I've been working on that for years because it's important (both for my opinion of myself as a good person and for making interactions balanced, functional, useful for the other person and so on). Usually, I need a reason-- other than wanting to talk-- to start a conversation.

My online interactions tend to be skewed by the fact that I'm not passionate about the things that the people I meet online are. I'm not sure that I'm all that passionate-- at least in the fannish sense-- about anything. I enjoy many different books, anime series, movies, fanfics and so on, and I'm happy to talk about them. Once or twice. And moving on to other topics after that. I don't ship. I don't obsess with particular characters. I'm poly-fannish and not in a committed relationship with any fandom. I don't generally squee, and I rarely have the depth of knowledge or energy to analyze a canon (Though I'm often fascinated when other people do so). I suspect that my anxiety issues also keep me on the edges of fandoms. I don't have the energy for melodrama.

Comments

[fjm.livejournal.com]

Are you energized by groups or individuals?

[the_rck]

It depends on the group and on what we're doing. Sitting in a big meeting leaves me drained-- There are too many people for me to feel safe, and I generally don't talk to any of them. How I feel about, say, a party depends heavily on who's there. When we host a party and I know everybody, I'm incredibly energized (It's one reason I love our New Year's Eve potluck).

I think that one on one interaction is more reliable because it's less draining and has less potential for going wrong. Group interaction can be dreadful, neutral or exhilarating. It depends on so many things. I guess, that group interactions are sometimes more energizing than individual, but... if they go badly, they wreck me. Individual interactions that go badly don't take as much energy (well, unless it's a fight with a best friend, but I think that's another category altogether).

My preference is for a smallish group, probably not more than a dozen people, all of whom I have some things in common with so that conversation is possible. I can handle larger groups if I have two or three anchor points-- people I know very well who I can latch onto when I feel lost and who're better than I am at starting conversations. One of the reasons I stopped going to cons was that I lost my anchors (plus, I started having migraines any time I got less than seven hours of solid sleep). Scott will go to conventions with me, but he won't talk to anyone he doesn't already know.

I also get a huge high from performing or giving speeches. I haven't done either in more than fifteen years, but I always had to schedule in a couple of hours afterwards for bouncing off the walls. Running LARPS could do that, too, when it went well.

[pennypaperbrain.livejournal.com]

Wow, an extrovert! I suppose I usually assume anyone I can communicate with is an introvert.

I usually imagine extroverts as strange, enviably privileged yet pitiably limited creatures, with tough hides but no insight into anything. This model does not fit you.

[the_rck]

I end up acting like an introvert due to the anxiety issues. I suspect that I'm borderline on the scale. When I take personality tests, I sometimes come out as an introvert and sometimes as an extrovert. It depends on how the questions are phrased. If they ask what I actually do or what I chose to do, I come out as an introvert. If they ask what I enjoy doing without reference to what I actually do, I come out as an extrovert.

I suspect that I come across as an introvert because my various disabilities and my love of creating stories have made me look inward and take things to pieces to see how to put them back together. Knowing that I have so many problems makes me want to watch for other people's difficulties so that I can try not to make them worse.

The really hard part is dealing with introverted friends who're exhausted and/or depressed. I have to remind myself that, while talking on the phone or via AIM or visiting with them in person (my first choice) would help *me* immensely if I were feeling that way, it doesn't follow that that will help everyone.

I have no idea what I'd be like without all of the anxiety issues. Possibly quite terrifying.

[fjm.livejournal.com]

To me you don't sound at all like an extrovert. You sound like a "performative introvert" (which is what I am). Performative introverts can "perform" and enjoy it, but it costs. Extroverts leave groups bouncing from the energy high, but get uncomfortable sitting on the couch chatting intimately. I had a friend in that category, and it took me a while to realise that by his lightshe *was* a friend, because whenever I tried to set up something for six or eight of us, he'd add another twenty.