(no subject)

[the_rck]

Delia has recently started bursting into tears at odd intervals because she doesn't want to grow up. Yesterday, she did it and added some garbled stuff about not wanting me to make her leave. Today, she approached it obliquely, starting with asking why my mother and father aren't married any more and going on to talking about death. This is all complicated stuff for a not quite five year old.

She says that she started wondering about death due to reading Sleeping Beauty. I'd asked first about kids at pre-school before thinking that, given that she can read now, it might be something from a book. Sleeping Beauty wouldn't have occurred to me as the culprit because she's seen the movie more than once. I guess it's an intersection of reading and of being old enough to notice that point.

She seems to have the idea that being dead means being trapped, helpless, in one's body, unable to move or speak. I told her that it was more like taking off clothes that one's done with, that one leaves the body behind and goes on. I'm not helped here by having no clear beliefs about the afterlife except that I think there is one (I could be wrong, but I figure that, if I am, it won't matter particularly. Non-existence requires no preparation).

Delia's really upset and scared. I'm not sure how much is normal growing up-- Increasing awareness of the ways in which the world isn't fair, of the ways that getting hurt is inevitable is understandably scary-- and how much might be over-anxiety. Anxiety disorders run really, really strongly in my mother's family and were the inherited disorder I was most worried about when we made the decision to have a child. I simply can't tell if Delia's over-anxious or if this is normal. I don't have the experience with other kids this age.

I'll have to ask her pre-school teacher, I think. Right now, Delia's welded herself to my side. I think she wants me to tell her that she doesn't have to grow up, ever, and doesn't have to die or get hurt or anything scary. I was able to reassure her that it's unlikely that her parents will divorce, but I don't want to lie to her on the rest.

Comments

[anderyn.livejournal.com]

It seems to be something that kids go through. I remember it very clearly myself (which is when I had God talking to me, at three -- or so my mother says), and Griffin and Leslie have done the clingy thing since my Mom died, because I was so sad and they saw her body.

[the_rck]

I don't remember going through it, but it's also simply possible that I never quite came out the other side. That is, I stopped being particularly afraid of death, but I considered adulthood to be pretty scary because I had no idea how to go about it.

We haven't really talked to Delia about God. I find it a very complicated topic, one that I'm not sure I can put in terms that will make sense to her.

[ceara.livejournal.com]

I don't have kids of my own, but every child my aunts/uncles and friends have had have gone through similar stages, sometimes more than once. I have a vivid memory of my own experience of one version: I spent at least a day once near-paralyzed with preemptive grief and terror upon realizing that one day my mother would die. I still don't know what set it off.

[the_rck]

It's very helpful to know that lots of children go through this.

She's started focusing on asking about when her great-grandmother (who's in good health for her age) will die and when her grandmothers will die.

[lady-of-mists.livejournal.com]

:hugs for you both: I think she's going to be okay, but it's going to take a little while of her seeing that your death isn't imminent (nor is hers). I've had days like she has too, I think. Not having any kids, I can't say much more than that.

[the_rck]

::hugs back:: Thanks.

[adrian-turtle.livejournal.com]

What I told the local little girl when she started to be frightened by the idea of growing up was that she would not grow up until she was ready. I drew the contrast between herself as a baby, not able to do anything, not ready for any independence at all, and herself as a big girl who could do all these interesting things and wanted to do some of them by herself. A big girl who had been ready for preschool 2 years ago, and liked it a lot--babies can't go to preschool, and listen during circle time, and share with the other children, or any of that (it may have helped that we had a baby on hand.)

Death *is* scary, for those of us who can imagine it. As Delia becomes more capable of imagining things vividly, is there anything you can do to direct that imagination to empower her? Sleeping Beauty is a hard one to start with, but some fairy tales have girls saving themselves from scary situations, rather than being victimized and/or rescued. (Hansel and Gretel?) Or you could ask Delia what a character could do differently to make things better. That works against her trapped feeling, as well as giving happier endings.

[the_rck]

She's now focusing more on the idea that we'll send her away from us when she's grown up. I think she's sometimes enjoying crying over it (getting comfort and attention and all).

I'm feeling my way on this, so your input's very helpful.

[scribblemoose]

From my experience as an Auntie and Great-Auntie, it seems normal to me. When my neices/nephews have asked me about it (it came up a lot after my Dad died last year, not surprisingly), I told them that we don't really know what happens when we die, but that doesn't mean it has to be scary. Getting hurt sometimes is a part of living, but people bounce back. (Examples help here, like reminding them of when they last had a cold or a hurt knee, and how they were a bit sad and poorly for a bit, but soon got better and now it's all gone and in the past.)

As for growing up - reassuring her that it's a long, long way ahead of her, and when she gets there she'll feel differently might help. Remind her how getting older will make her bigger and stronger and cleverer. And that although things do change all the time, they change for the better too, and the one thing that will never change, of course, is how much you and Scott love her. Even when you're all dead.

I hope that helps a bit. Trust your instincts, and don't worry, I'm pretty sure this is normal. *hugs*

[the_rck]

Knowing that other kids do it, too, helps. I'm trying to figure out the best way to talk to Delia about all of this. I don't want to confuse her or to add new worries, but I also don't want to dismiss her concerns.

She's focusing now on us making her leave us. We can promise her that we won't. I can imagine circumstances where we might, but they're all quite unlikely. ::knocks wood::

[evalerie.livejournal.com]

I too think that this is normal. (Me personally, I still remember being terrorized for months when I was three at the idea that I would someday die.)

[the_rck]

I don't remember that from my own experience. I think it might simply be that there were too many other, more immediate things (like water bills after I finished college) to worry about between childhood and death.

It is good to hear from so many people that this is normal.

[evalerie.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I don't think all kids go through it, but it is very common.

[the_rck]

Scott has been following Gabe's line. Delia isn't quite convinced by it, but she's willing to listen.

I will get back to you eventually on your LARP stuff. I've been a little snowed under by various things and keep forgetting. My apologies about the delay.