(no subject)

[the_rck]

I originally wrote this about a week ago. I'm posting it as is so that I have it for my records and because a few of you may be interested in how I'm doing with the anxiety and the medication for the same. I also talk a bit about why this year has been so hard and why it took me so long to realize that it was genuinely difficult.

I am thinking that the Geodon is helping some. I can't be sure at this point, however, as I've had short term placebo bounces from previous medication (and that resulted in a nightmare with my then primary care doctor who was convinced that, if he just got the dosage high enough, the effectiveness would return and who refused to refer me to a psychiatrist. I still snarl at the memory. He wouldn't give me pain medication unless I kept taking Prozac. He was an internist. It was 1990. He had no idea what was going on).

Some of my belief that the Geodon is working comes from my having finished a draft of the Finish-a-thon Amber fic. I actually feel like, if I could just catch up on on other things, I could write. I'm not sure if that's the medication or simply the end of May. The summer's going to be hard, but May is always awful (four birthdays-- Cordelia's, mine and both of Scott's parents'-- and Mother's Day. This year was harder because of all the appointments and some school events and because my father-in-law had cataract surgery (he's doing well) while Scott's brother had prostate surgery (that was yesterday. He came through it fine according to his wife. We don't know much else yet).

I suspect that, in taking care of Cordelia, I'm dealing with a set of challenges that I hadn't clearly thought through. When she was a baby and a toddler, I had to deal with a lot of physical challenges in terms of her care. Those pushed me hard and wore me out, but I mostly avoided injuring myself and found ways to make everything work (We hired a cleaning lady largely because I couldn't change the sheets on the crib. We then realized that she could help with a lot of other stuff).

As Cordelia has gotten older, the physical part of parenting has, largely, gotten easier. The other part, however, is wearing me out far more than the physical stuff ever did. That's the social stuff, the times when I need to leave the house to take her to activities, the times when I have to be with her (or in the near vicinity) while she participates in activities. It's all harder, a lot harder, for me than bathing her, dressing her, keeping her from climbing in the wrong places and so on.

I had hoped that parenting would get easier as Cordelia got older. I think it might, but I think that it's going to take longer than I was hoping. I tend to forget to figure in all of my limitations. After all, when I'm not slamming myself into them, I forget they're there.

I feel stupid admitting that just getting Cordelia to school and then picking her up again afterwards is hard. It's a very short walk, and the process adds up to no more than half an hour per school day, and a good portion of that is standing around and waiting. I suspect that the hard part is that there are people all around, people I need to engage with in a way that I don't engage with people I encounter, say, at the bus stop or in the dentist's office. I also need to pay attention to what impression I'm making on people because we're part of an obligatory social group defined by geography and the ages of our kids.

Comments

[scribblemoose]

Just to say I've always admired the way you care for Cordelia and work so hard to give her a good start in life. Even the things that are so much harder for you you do better than some parents, who are perfectly able.

You clearly love her so much, and parent her so thoughtfully, that she's bound to grow up to be a fantastic young woman. You're amazing. *hugs*

[evalerie.livejournal.com]

Ditto to what Scribblemoose said.

**hug**

[the_rck]

::hugs back:: Thanks.

[the_rck]

::hugs and clings:: Thanks.

I think I'm never going to feel like I'm doing enough. I love her so much that I want to give her every chance to explore the world and to grow and.... I suspect that many parents feel this way. We just have to keep making choices and setting priorities.

[dspitzle.livejournal.com]

On the positive front: my grade school was about as far away as (I assume) Cordelia's is, and I walked it every day by myself starting with 1st grade, so there's really no need for you to continue doing it for too much longer.

[dspitzle.livejournal.com]

Geez, I just realized I was younger than Cordelia at the time (I skipped Kindergarten)...

[the_rck]

There seems to have been a shift in expectations regarding what parents will do. I don't see very many kids walking to school unescorted, and other parents I've talked to tend to think that third or fourth grade is the earliest age at which it might be allowable. Even then, some are reluctant. Of course, those parents also wonder that I let Cordelia go five houses down the street to play with the nearest neighbor child her age. They worry that something terrible will happen to her between here and there.

Cordelia and I have talked a bit. Next year, I'll walk her to the crossing at Barton and let her go from there. I'd do that now, but she very much wants me to go all the way to school with her and to wait for the bell with her. I don't think she's scared to do it alone. I think she wants to keep my attention as much as she can. Does that distinction make sense?

[dspitzle.livejournal.com]

Are you kidding, I've seen Cordelia at work :) But as for the "something terrible", the statistics on child abductions by non-relatives are ridiculously small compared to the amount of angst modern parents are made to feel over it. Of course, as a controllable variable in a child's safety it's somewhat understandable that parents have grabbed onto it with both hands, but in this context I think you'd be justified in giving Cordelia the encouragement to be independent in her walks to school. Your current plan sounds like a good compromise to me.