the_rck: (Default)
[personal profile] the_rck
Getting to Skyline yesterday was stressful, and getting home was worse. The bus company website doesn't actually provide accurate information about the bus line that runs out there-- The schedule I could access on my phone claimed two buses around when school starts and three around when it ends with nothing in between. I knew it was a lie, but I couldn't get the site to cough up anything else. The first bus to come by as I waited was going to go out of service at the next stop, so I had to wait another half an hour for a bus to come.

What I really wanted to do was to find somewhere to get coffee and food and to sit for a while before I dealt with the bus, but there is absolutely nothing out by Skyline. Zilch. To walk anywhere useful, I'd have to cross three traffic circles, two of them connected to highway entrances/exits, and none of them having any design considerations for possible pedestrians. By the time I was actually on the bus, the idea of getting off again was horrific. I didn't do it until I had to transfer downtown.

It wasn't quite 10:30 when I got downtown, and I didn't feel like I could walk to try to find somewhere to sit and try to calm myself, so I just walked down the block to where the bus I needed would come.

I left both my water bottle and Cordelia's somewhere along the way. I only realized that I didn't have them when I was gathering my things to get off the bus at the stop by our house. They might be at the Skyline bus stop. They might be on the bus I took into town. They might be at the transit center. I couldn't deal with calling to try to find them, so they're gone. Scott bought me a replacement that I need to wash before I start using.

I can't tell how much of how bad going back and forth to Skyline was yesterday was due to it coming at the end of a horrible, horrible week and how much was the trip being intrinsically difficult for me. It's probably a bit of both.

I got pretty angry at Scott yesterday (and a few times earlier in the week) because he wasn't bothering to give me any encouraging words or anything. He gave Cordelia a lot, and he was having an awful week, too, but it would have been nice to get a comment indicating that he had my back on anything at all. I don't think he realizes how much he left me flapping in the wind all week. If I asked for something very specific, he'd do it, but there wasn't anything at all that I didn't ask for. Not even a "I know this is hard for you, but you can do it."

I think Scott also doesn't realize that Cordelia going to Community gave me a brief feeling of intense relief that I wouldn't have to deal with a huge, huge problem that I've seen coming for literally years-- The problem of me getting her from school for appointments and then back to school after. Nothing about the trips I've made to Skyline has made the problem seem less severe or more easily addressed. I really am thinking that Scott going to third shift may be the only sustainable solution, but if he does that, him ever getting back to first shift is unlikely.

I suppose the first thing I have to do is to find out whether or not I can get Skyline to let Cordelia sign herself out for documented appointments and then back in again after. That would make things actually manageable and could be argued as an accommodation for my disability every bit as much as letting me use the elevator when I visit the building.

I'm really, really hoping that next week I can start doing something other than putting out immediate fires. I don't think writing is going to happen while Cordelia's home because she tends to turn up and sit next to me for twenty to thirty minutes at a time and express disapproval over me using my laptop at all. She also reads what's on my screen.

Today's main goal is to read some library books so I can return them tomorrow. I've got more than I like just sitting on my shelf unopened. Also, the interlibrary loan stuff needs getting through quickly. The system won't let me request multiple volumes of the same manga title at once because it considers them all the same book in spite of the numbering difference. This means that from October 1st until maybe April next year, I won't be able to move forward on Natsume's Book of Friends, Case Closed (Detective Conan), or Prince of Tennis. That last is particularly frustrating because the library is missing 29-32 and 36. It has 33-35 and 37-40 (are there volumes out beyond 40? I don't know. I haven't looked yet). I have v.29 waiting for me to pick it up. If I read it fast and return it immediately, I might be able to get v.30 by the end of the month. I just don't see managing four volumes in that time because of the time it takes to get ILL books.

I also have a movie that's due tomorrow and can't be renewed. I can probably either finish it today or reach a point in it where I'm sure I don't care about finishing.

Cordelia has a birthday party to go to later this afternoon. They're going to a Tigers game as part of it. They did the same last year for this girl's birthday. My guess is that they'll have fun again and that it will be rather more about being there as a group of friends than about the game.

Date: 2017-09-17 12:55 am (UTC)
evalerie: Valerie (Default)
From: [personal profile] evalerie
Big hugs, as always! And please let me know if I can help. I spent Friday wondering if I should text you to see if you needed a ride or anything, but I was fighting nasty computer code for a work deadline, so I kept my phone nearby and hoped that you would contact me if you needed anything.

Date: 2017-09-17 05:06 am (UTC)
From: [personal profile] ramenkuri

Happy to send you volumes of Natsume when you want them.

Definitely write up the request for letting Cordelia sign herself in and out!

Maybe something that starts like this:
Please allow Cordelia to sign herself out for documented appointments and then back in again after. I request this as an accommodation for my disability XXX. Riding the bus to Skyline and then to the appt and then back to Skyline and back to home is already extremely challenging for my agoraphobia, so the additional step of navigating Skyline is a terrible drain on my resources.

Or something?

Date: 2017-09-17 06:41 am (UTC)
jerusha: (Default)
From: [personal profile] jerusha
I really hope you can catch a break soon!

Date: 2017-09-17 12:48 pm (UTC)
dryadinthegrove: (Default)
From: [personal profile] dryadinthegrove
Just reading this made me anxious and frustrated. I wish things could just be...easier? simpler? less of a hassle? For you all.

Date: 2017-09-17 07:35 pm (UTC)
ayebydan: (misc: rain)
From: [personal profile] ayebydan
I've been away from my computer for a few days because, ironically, my anxiety has been a git. I am so sorry about all of this. I wish there was more I could do other than offer from offer from my experiences. My heart breaks for Cordelia but also for you. I do agree that Scott needs to do more, whether that is changing work patterns or in emotional support for you. A united front is key for Cordelia and it is not fair or acceptable that he promises things you then cannot give. If that is due to health reasons, unfortunately, what he does is all but confirm to Cordelia your ill health and limitations. Which only makes it harder for her to feel better.

Others have said but look after yourself first. You help her best that way.

Routine should help her but here are a few things I have come to mind. Now, remember I just sort of crawled through my teens trying not to melt down so many of these might not work for her at her age but I'll just list them anyway.

I get anxious from sleep so I take another medication called 'trazadone'. (oleptro) It has a reputation for being a horrendous anti depressant in that it doesn't help but it does make you drowsy. It avoids the addictive impact of sleeping aids but I know you look carefully at meds she takes. I don't know much about it on that side.

At my high school we had a buddy system. Those in their last year of school had classes of younger kids they 'looked after'. Is there anything like that? For the first few weeks of term that included your buddy coming and helping you to your next class.

Is there a way Cordelia's homework could be sent to her or your email by teachers to relieve the fear of her missing an assignment? Perhaps you could get a whiteboard for your fridge in which you could note her assignments and erase them as completed so she and you can follow her progress?

So called tough love may be needed in regards to her being so clingy at home. I tended to want away from everyone but was instructed to spend X time in the living room each day with my family. At first it was hell and I got upset and cried and freaked out. But anxiety attacks tire themselves out and then I saw the world was still standing and my parents were still just sitting there. Then I was allowed to leave. Perhaps you could do similar in that she could be in the room with you but say she must sit in another chair for X time so you can complete your tasks. If she insists on knowing use it as a time to talk of privacy ect?

It may seem reading that that it could cause extra stress and at first it might but if she learns to have boundaries like that in the home it may be easier for her to cope outside of it. She is catarophising everything she comes across but then seeing everything moving to try help her in return. Perhaps on the flip side she also needs to see some things remain the same and adamant, even if she does not like it.

When I was at school a letter signed by my mother was enough to get me out of school. Perhaps you could do that or have a pre-
agreed time via phone call of when Cordelia will sign out and leave school. If she were to get a bus or taxi perhaps someone from the office could see her off?

I'm not sure if any of that helps. Everyone's anxiety is different as you know so could be of no help, could be lots.

Thinking of you ♥

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