(no subject)

[the_rck]

Looking for some advice from friends who are Jewish—

Cordelia has been invited to a classmate’s Bat Mitzvah and wants to go. That won’t happen until February, but we’re trying to figure out things like what she should wear. Right now, the only dressy clothes she has are her orchestra clothes which are all black. She has a white shirt that might work instead of the black shirt, but I worry that she shouldn’t wear black to a joyous occasion.

I expect that Scott and/or I will accompany her just because she’s twelve and can’t really get there on her own. The question of what we should wear is more difficult because Scott doesn’t own anything dressy at all and my one dressy dress is very definitely summer weight and not great for February.

We’re also not sure how we should behave in the temple so as to be respectful. The Temple Beth Emeth website says that they’re a member of the Union for Reform Judaism and of Women of Reform Judaism, if that makes a difference.

I have the impression that monetary gifts or gift cards for bookstores are traditional, but as I’m not sure where I got that impression, I’m quite prepared to be told that I’m wrong. I’m assuming that, as we’re not family and not close with the family (though the girls are fairly close), we wouldn’t be expected to give a large gift. Would something in the $10-$20 range be appropriate? I know that the girl likes to read, so I’d be inclined toward a gift card, if appropriate, just because that’s more fun for her.

If it comes down to it, I will either talk to the girl’s parents to ask for advice or see if I can talk to someone at the temple. I’m sure we’re not the first non-Jews invited to a Bat Mitzvah there.

Comments

[brigdh]

Here's my advice, though it all depends a lot on the particular family. I'm sure they'd be happy to answer any questions you have!

A Bat Mitzah does mean dressy clothes, but the exact level of dressiness will depend on the family. Basically if you wear the same sort of clothes you would if invited to a wedding or graduation party, you should be fine.

Reform Judaism in the most "progressive"/least Orthodox type of Judaism, which also means they'll be the most casual about clothing. At an Orthodox or Conservative Temple, the basic rules of dress would be for men to cover their heads and women to cover their shoulders, but it shouldn't matter much with Reform people. Color doesn't particularly matter.

The Bat Mitzah does celebrate a child's first reading of a Torah, so gifts that have to do with reading, learning, being a student, or becoming an adult are all very traditional, but definitely not the only sort of thing you can give. For price range and types of gifts, you can think of what you'd give if you were attending her birthday party, and it should be fine.

It's very easy to behave appropriately in a Temple (most of what you shouldn't do is obvious, like randomly shouting!). You won't be expected to join the prayers, but if you happen to know any of the songs, or pick up the words in the moment, people will be happy to have you join in as well. I'm sure there will be people to point you to where to sit and things like that, or you can always just follow along with what everyone else is doing.

[jss]

What brigdh said. As for money-as-gift, multiples of $18 are traditional; the Hebrew root word for "life," chai (cf. "l'chaim"), is numerically 18.

[adrian_turtle]

I don't know about clothing. Different congregations have very different customs. (I go to one here where the rule is "wear whatever feels comfortable and respectful to you," and somebody in jeans can pray next to somebody in a suit with neither of them being out of place. But some of my extended family are in groups where people are more inclined to care about being dressed "appropriately.") Because it's February, you don't need to worry about whether it's ok to wear a sleeveless top.

There will probably be baskets of yarmulkes at the door. (Possibly in the bat mitzvah girl's favorite color, with her name and the date on the inside.) All three of you can wear them if you want. If none of you want to wear them, they might look at Scott a little funny, but they won't throw him out. There may also be prayer shawls by the door. Don't wear them.

A gift card to a bookstore is always a good gift to a girl who likes to read. The number 18 is supposed to be particularly good luck, according to Jewish tradition [2], so a gift card for $18 is in some ways a better present than one for $20.
i
We're also not sure how we should behave in the temple so as to be respectful.

Don't make noise or throw things unless specifically invited to do so.[1] It's fine to leave the sanctuary if you need to. Don't come back in while the ark is open--wait until they close it and people sit down. The ark is the fancy cabinet at the front of the room.

There will be a kind of parade, where people sing and carry the torah scroll around the room before reading it. A lot of people like to reach over and touch the torah as it goes by, and it's polite to let them by if you're standing on the aisle. They reach over with the edge of their prayer shawl or book. If you want to do it yourself, you're supposed to touch the scroll with the corner of a prayerbook, not with your hand.



[1] Little girls giggling together in the back of the room should not be heard, especially during "let us now take a few moments for silent personal prayer." But when the rabbi jokes about how the bat mitzvah girl will take over his job next year? Go ahead and laugh. And if you are invited to throw candy at the end of the service, wait for the signal, and only use the candy provided. (Gumdrops yes, lollipops no.)

[2] In Hebrew, numbers are written with letters, as with Roman numerals. So the 2-character word for "life," can be read as numbers and mean 18. This sort of thing has entertained mystics for centuries.

[chomiji]

Black doesn't have the implications it once did. Does she have a pretty sweater in a bright or pastel color that could be worn with her black pants/skirt from her orchestra outfit?

I don't think anyone would be offended at your husband's lack of a head covering at a Reform shul! In such congregations, even Jewish men may choose to go without a head covering (I grew up in such a congregation). If the customized kippot are made available (as adrian_turtle described), they're intended to be souvenirs/party favors as well as for use during the service.

Actually, I have been to plenty of b'nai mitzvah where the child guests attended by themselves (parents dropped them off and picked them up), but it really only works if Cordelia knows some of the other kids and can sit with them. Otherwise (from what you've said about her), she will feel lonely and out of things.

I'm guessing that there will be a number of non-Jewish attendees. The rabbi will likely give a word of explanation here and there as to what's going on. You'll feel less self-conscious if you stand when the congregation stands. The prayerbook (called a machzor or siddur) used in a Reform congregation typically has some stage directions. Standing usually occurs when particularly significant prayers are said and when the ark in which the Torah scrolls are kept is opened.

Prayers in Hebrew aren't always said in lockstep unison, and you may see some people davening (rocking forward and back) as they pray in Hebrew. No one will be offended if you don't pray, although there's often a prayer for the nation that's pretty non-denominational and is read in English alone.

As everyone said, $18 is the usual basic gift, and no one would flip out if that's what you gave. Also as mentioned, scholarly is the word of the day, but anything not childish is actually fine, because the other word of the day is "grown up" (at least in terms of religious responsibilities).

Is there an evening party a well, or will the only social event be a luncheon after the service, at the synagogue?

You can also check of the "Coffeeshop Rabbi" blog entry on the subject. She's very sensible and straightforward.

[the_rck]

The invitation says 'Kiddush and refreshments to follow,' (I did have to google 'kiddush') and the service itself is at 10 a.m., so I assume no evening party or, at least, not one involving us. This seems like the sort of occasion that might merit something just for the extended family.

I wouldn't be surprised by a luncheon, but I also wouldn't be surprised by something lighter-- Then again, I just realized, I'm generalizing from church services I'm used to. For most Christian churches I've dealt with*, services usually last an hour, plus or minus ten minutes depending on how talkative the minister is that day. Are Jewish services longer?

*The exception was a high school friend's extremely conservative, Evangelical church that involved speaking in tongues and later schismed so often that, in the end, it was half a dozen people meeting weekly in someone's family room.

[chomiji]

Hmmm, OK, maybe don't *bet* on luncheon, but it could easily be one. A typical simcha (happy occasion) spread might be miniature bagels and rolls with lox and other fillings (such as tuna salad, cheese, and/or hummus), fruit salad / fruit trays, and miniature pastries plus a big sheet cake (like a birthday cake, but sometimes decorated to look like an open book), accompanied by soft drinks and tea + coffee.

And yes, Jewish services can be long. I'd assume at least one and a half hours, maybe two. The usual Shabbat morning service will be used, with the Bat Mitzvah doing a lot of what the rabbi would usually do.

Then the Torah service may include multiple "aliyot" (singular: aliyah), where honored guests go up and read the blessing over the Torah, with the Bat Mitzvah reading her part in installments (alternatively, others may read some parts of that day's reading, and the Bat Mitzvah takes the final aliyah and reads the last bit herself). Then the Bat Mitzvah has her "drash," or interpretive speech, relating to what she read in the Torah. If the Bat Mitzvah does herself proud, people may shout out traditional Hebrew exclamations of praise.

Then there are some final blessings and remarks by the rabbi and possibly congregational officers, and then the guests follow the family and the rabbi to the social hall for the Kiddush.

[adrian_turtle]

I'm sure we're not the first non-Jews invited to a Bat Mitzvah there.

You're not. Based on their website, they do interfaith services and stuff. Most Jewish kids have non-Jewish friends and classmates, and some have non-Jewish relatives (or relatives who are utterly clueless about Judaism.) It is increasingly common to hand out little pamphlets explaining the service to newcomers.

Whether or not they give you a pamphlet, the prayerbook will give you useful information about what's going on. Beth Emeth says on their website that they use a prayerbook with a lot of English and commentary. You open it backwards (like a Hebrew book, but it will just feel backwards to you). In addition to the Hebrew prayer, transliteration, and translation, there's usually a meditation or poem or related writing in English, and a little explanation about the overall service. I think they have the order of the service in the margin, and each stage highlighted as you go, so you can tell if you're on preliminary blessings, or the call to prayer, or the torah service, or what. That kind of thing may or may not help Cordelia feel more oriented and secure.

The Torah service will involve, in some order or other, a parade, the bat mitzvah girl chanting from the Torah in Hebrew, her saying a blessing over the Torah, and 2-7 other people saying blessings and taking turns reading. It will be part of the story of Exodus and you can read along. When they're done reading the scroll, somebody will pick it up and hold it OPEN over their head. Then they'll sit down with it and everyone draws a relieved breath and sings while the embroidered cover goes back on.

[chomiji]

I get most disrespectfully sentimental over the Torah mantle and ornaments. I think of them as "little Torah clothes."

Oh yeah, the Torah procession! the_rck, the Torah is usually taken from the ark and paraded around the sanctuary, accompanied by joyful singing, before the readings start. People crowd toward the aisles to gently touch the Torah with a corner of a prayer shawl or prayer book and then kiss the spot that touched to Torah.

[havocthecat]

I have yet to meet a rabbi who won't explain anything exhaustively upon request. It's something I find absolutely wonderful.

[zhelana]

$18. It's a traditional number and meaningful throughout Judaism. That's how much I gave each of the rabbis for me bet dien. Otherwise, black pants with a white shirt probably works for C. I wear black pants every week and it's always someone's bar mitzvah.

[untonuggan]

I went to two Bat Mitzvah's when I was her age. My friends' families were Conservative, but all of the above still applies [except the parties were GINORMOUS]. However, I should note that their services started at 8 or 9 am and lasted til around noon; there was also a lot of sitting and standing during the service. If you are attending with Cordelia, you may want to plan for spoons.

The Bat Mitzvah Torah reading will most likely take place towards the end of the service, so you could also plan to come slightly late if you need to shorten the length of time you are there. (People don't lock the doors. Really. You will not be the only one who is late.)

Personal spoonie recommendations from someone for whom sitting for long periods is an issue:

Bring things you might need, for example: lumbar support, heat packs for low back, pain meds in your purse, and if you can check out seat comfort ahead of time. You could also, if you wish, contact someone ahead of time about accommodations you might need that are separate from this (reserved seating or parking, for example, or how many stairs there are.)

When I went, it was also perfectly acceptable for people to slip out to the bathroom during the service. If you are able to sit on an aisle or close to the back, you may want to do so, so that you can slip out to stretch, take medications, or use the bathroom if you need to do so.

A couple of links for you also:
How to be a Bar/Bat Mitzvah Guest
What do Goyim need to know about Bar/Bat Mitzvahs

When I went, people were really nice, and helped the Bat Mitzvah guests figure out etiquette and where everything was. It was really fun, and I hope Cordelia enjoys it. ^_^

[hamsterwoman]

I am not a great expert on the subject but:

In terms of dress, black shouldn't be a problem, I think, but I'd go for black + white over all black. A Reform congregation is less likely to care, but if you are trying to be extra-careful, for you and Cordelia, skirt below the knee (and skirt rather than pants) and a shirt that covers both shoulders and elbows (or a cardigan/shrug over a shirt/dress that doesn't) will pass muster with even the most Orthodox attendees. (No limitations on what Scott can wear.) I don't think it needs to be super-dressy, either, especially for more casual guests (as opposed to family of the bat mitzvah girl), but it might depend on the congregation.

Monetary gifts are indeed traditional. I'm not rightly sure as to the amount, and the sliding scale vs closeness to the celebrant. I have heard that giving money in amounts that are divisible by 18 (it's a numerology-sorta thing) is apparently traditional, and we did that when invited to the one bat mitzvah of a comparable closeness friend. What multiple of $18, I don't think there's consensus on, but in the absence of financial constraints, I'd probably go with $36-$54. But I don't think there's any expectation of a minimum amount, except from, like, family members maybe. And the multiples-of-18 thing is cute but definitely not required, so don't feel constrained by that.

I believe a check/cash is more traditional because often the money is put away in a savings account, but a book gift card would also work fine, I think.

Ah, you might find this link handy. (Just ignore the people in comments that seemt o think guests have to cover the cost of the part or pay off the kid for studying Hebrew or whatever. I think they're just being hopelessly gauche.)

[evalerie.livejournal.com]

I am Jewish, but not all that knowledgeable about Bat Mitzvah's. I've only ever been to one, and that was for a mom-friend of mine who was belatedly getting Bat Mitzvahed in her 40s. But that was at Temple Beth Emeth, so at least I have useful information there.

Temple Beth Emeth is very accepting and freewheeling, so it's a place where I wouldn't worry too much about behavior, clothing, etc. -- normal good manners should be fine.

I've noticed that in recent years it is common for the kid having the Bar/Bat Mitzvah to do a project to support a charity, so you may be told that the Bat Mitzvah girl is supporting whatever-she-has-chosen, and you may choose to donate to that. But they will tell you if they are doing that -- you don't need to ask about it.

It is fine to ask the family for advice. They will be able to tell you more specifically what to expect.

[carbonel]

Though I'm not observant, our family belonged (and my mother belongs) to a Reform Jewish congregation. I have been to several Bat Mitzvahs -- including my own -- but not for a decade or more. But some things don't change much, I think.

Some black is fine. All black for someone Cordelia's age might stand out a bit, though it could be lightened with accessories. It'd be fine for an adult. There will be a wide variety what people wear, I suspect.

As for behavior, I'd say if she listens attentively (or pretends to), even through the boring/incomprehensible bits, and stands and sits when others do, she'll be fine. Reading or playing video games during the service is right out, except for surreptitiously reading the more interesting bits in the prayerbook already in hand.

A gift in the $10 to $20 range is fine. Gift cards, like money and unlike clothing, pretty much always fit.