(no subject)
Feb. 18th, 2006 10:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_rckSo, I'm sick again. Really sick as in how I was last summer. As some of you may have gathered, I've been borderline sick for the last couple of months, since round about Thanksgiving. My asthma's been unusually bad, to the point that I pretty much had to give up my walking program (even with my inhaler, I could only manage about five minutes. The air in the basement, where the treadmill lives, is too cold and dusty), and I've been having allergic reactions to cat hair on other people's clothing when they visit our house. I've also been reacting to things I've never been allergic to before.
Then, about three weeks ago, I came down with a cold. That set off my asthma, and now I'm really sick. Again. This has happened three times in my life and twice in the last year.
This time out, the illness has been both harder and easier. It's been easier because I at least have some idea of what's going on and what to do about it. It's been harder because cold weather makes my asthma worse in general and because Delia is bigger and more demanding. Some of her behavior results from her age. She'd be pushing boundaries anyway, given that she'll be three in May. Some of it, though... I think she's trying to make sure that she gets my attention. If she does things I've told her not to, then I *have* to react and make her stop.
Some of the Delia stuff has been sweet. We've done a lot of cuddling, and she's started trying to maneuver so that we let her fall asleep in my lap at bedtime rather than sticking her into bed. (That's a hard one because a snuggly, sleepy toddler is a very pleasant armful. There's a lot of joy in being trusted that much, and we know that, as she grows up, opportunities for this sort of thing will become rarer and rarer.) She's also, however, been trying to order me to be well, not to take medications, not to visit the bathroom and so on. I think that the idea that I don't have a choice about such things scares her a bit. All of this can result in long periods of utter misery for me as I try to get fifteen minutes to shower or even just a chance to sit and rest.
I'm sleeping in the living room, on the loveseat. I was having a horrible time sleeping, getting maybe an hour or two a night because of the coughing, so I decided that I'd try relocating to see if that would help at all. Surprisingly, it's helped a lot. I can actually sleep for two to four hours at a stretch out here. It's less comfortable than our bed but apparently less toxic. Cleaning out the bedroom is a project that Scott will be undertaking some time real soon.
I'm actually fairly impatient for the room cleaning. The loveseat is too short for comfort, and I miss having Scott there with me. It's also kind of weird to have all of my stuff just nakedly out where any visitor can see it (I can't currently move the bedding. The blankets are too heavy), and our cleaning lady disassembled everything and put it away last week. I was kind of mad about that because I'd asked her specifically not to. I think that she didn't understand what I meant. Her spoken English isn't always great, and she hates to ask for clarification.
Scott applied for and got some emergency vacation time for next week. We're hoping that that will give me some time to rest and recover. We're also hoping that he can manage to do some of the work that needs doing around here.
I think we're going to have to look hard at our house. My mother's of the opinion that we should throw out about 75% of our possessions (including about 95% of our books). It's true that doing that might help my allergies because it would leave the dust, mold and mice less of a place to hide, but... Having the books around gives me joy. I could get rid of some of my clothes. I've hesitated to do so because I don't want to have to buy more as the stuff I currently wear starts to fall apart. Instead, I just rotate in some of the stuff I wasn't wearing before. I've also hesitated because I don't know what's going to happen with my weight. I've still got baby weight (can I still call it that nearly three years later?), and I'm still planning to get my exercise program going again, but each time I get really sick, I gain weight.
My mother says that it's a matter of priorities. I rather suspect, though, that she would be appalled by my priorities. She's never quite understood what it is that gives me joy in life. Given her frequent complaints about her parents not understanding and accepting the things she does for her own pleasure, I'm a little surprised that she has the same blindness when looking at me. Maybe I shouldn't be. (Grandma used to garden and have cats. Grandpa loved boating and fishing. Mom adores remodeling/renovating houses and has started getting into geneaology. Grandpa still tells her that she's wasting her time and money.)
But I'm going to be thinking about my priorities for the next little while. Delia's first, then Scott. After that... After that, it gets muddled. I think that my books, my online communications (e-mail, LJ, AIM, online rp), my writing and my face to face role playing and social interactions (such as they are) are all pretty much clustered together. Once those are covered, I seem to be in the territory of things like wanting clothing that doesn't hurt to wear, wanting to be warm enough or cool enough, wanting food that doesn't make me ill, wanting to avoid things that make my physical problems worse, wanting to avoid things that make my psychological problems worse. I'm not sure how to rate any of that as a 'priority.' All of it seems nebulous, hard to quantify or to specify.
I wonder if some of that nebulousness isn't simply a result of assuming that certain things are out of reach. I don't, for example, think that there's any set of circumstances that will let me get rid of my anxieties or my physical pain/limitations. I can work around both to some extent, but it leaves my life a series of on-going and poorly defined compromises, especially since both sets of problems have squishy rather than hard limits. For example, I'm officially not supposed to lift more than 15 pounds at a time. In practice, I usually can manage up to about 25 pounds without injuring myself. Usually. For a short time and distance, say from one end of our house to the other. But if I do it too often or at the wrong time, I get hurt to the point of not being able to lift a bottle of grape juice. How often is too often? I don't know. It depends on how much sleep I've had recently (and how well I've slept). It depends on what else I've done recently.
The spoons analogy really does work to some extent. Except that the number of spoons required for doing things isn't constant.
Then, about three weeks ago, I came down with a cold. That set off my asthma, and now I'm really sick. Again. This has happened three times in my life and twice in the last year.
This time out, the illness has been both harder and easier. It's been easier because I at least have some idea of what's going on and what to do about it. It's been harder because cold weather makes my asthma worse in general and because Delia is bigger and more demanding. Some of her behavior results from her age. She'd be pushing boundaries anyway, given that she'll be three in May. Some of it, though... I think she's trying to make sure that she gets my attention. If she does things I've told her not to, then I *have* to react and make her stop.
Some of the Delia stuff has been sweet. We've done a lot of cuddling, and she's started trying to maneuver so that we let her fall asleep in my lap at bedtime rather than sticking her into bed. (That's a hard one because a snuggly, sleepy toddler is a very pleasant armful. There's a lot of joy in being trusted that much, and we know that, as she grows up, opportunities for this sort of thing will become rarer and rarer.) She's also, however, been trying to order me to be well, not to take medications, not to visit the bathroom and so on. I think that the idea that I don't have a choice about such things scares her a bit. All of this can result in long periods of utter misery for me as I try to get fifteen minutes to shower or even just a chance to sit and rest.
I'm sleeping in the living room, on the loveseat. I was having a horrible time sleeping, getting maybe an hour or two a night because of the coughing, so I decided that I'd try relocating to see if that would help at all. Surprisingly, it's helped a lot. I can actually sleep for two to four hours at a stretch out here. It's less comfortable than our bed but apparently less toxic. Cleaning out the bedroom is a project that Scott will be undertaking some time real soon.
I'm actually fairly impatient for the room cleaning. The loveseat is too short for comfort, and I miss having Scott there with me. It's also kind of weird to have all of my stuff just nakedly out where any visitor can see it (I can't currently move the bedding. The blankets are too heavy), and our cleaning lady disassembled everything and put it away last week. I was kind of mad about that because I'd asked her specifically not to. I think that she didn't understand what I meant. Her spoken English isn't always great, and she hates to ask for clarification.
Scott applied for and got some emergency vacation time for next week. We're hoping that that will give me some time to rest and recover. We're also hoping that he can manage to do some of the work that needs doing around here.
I think we're going to have to look hard at our house. My mother's of the opinion that we should throw out about 75% of our possessions (including about 95% of our books). It's true that doing that might help my allergies because it would leave the dust, mold and mice less of a place to hide, but... Having the books around gives me joy. I could get rid of some of my clothes. I've hesitated to do so because I don't want to have to buy more as the stuff I currently wear starts to fall apart. Instead, I just rotate in some of the stuff I wasn't wearing before. I've also hesitated because I don't know what's going to happen with my weight. I've still got baby weight (can I still call it that nearly three years later?), and I'm still planning to get my exercise program going again, but each time I get really sick, I gain weight.
My mother says that it's a matter of priorities. I rather suspect, though, that she would be appalled by my priorities. She's never quite understood what it is that gives me joy in life. Given her frequent complaints about her parents not understanding and accepting the things she does for her own pleasure, I'm a little surprised that she has the same blindness when looking at me. Maybe I shouldn't be. (Grandma used to garden and have cats. Grandpa loved boating and fishing. Mom adores remodeling/renovating houses and has started getting into geneaology. Grandpa still tells her that she's wasting her time and money.)
But I'm going to be thinking about my priorities for the next little while. Delia's first, then Scott. After that... After that, it gets muddled. I think that my books, my online communications (e-mail, LJ, AIM, online rp), my writing and my face to face role playing and social interactions (such as they are) are all pretty much clustered together. Once those are covered, I seem to be in the territory of things like wanting clothing that doesn't hurt to wear, wanting to be warm enough or cool enough, wanting food that doesn't make me ill, wanting to avoid things that make my physical problems worse, wanting to avoid things that make my psychological problems worse. I'm not sure how to rate any of that as a 'priority.' All of it seems nebulous, hard to quantify or to specify.
I wonder if some of that nebulousness isn't simply a result of assuming that certain things are out of reach. I don't, for example, think that there's any set of circumstances that will let me get rid of my anxieties or my physical pain/limitations. I can work around both to some extent, but it leaves my life a series of on-going and poorly defined compromises, especially since both sets of problems have squishy rather than hard limits. For example, I'm officially not supposed to lift more than 15 pounds at a time. In practice, I usually can manage up to about 25 pounds without injuring myself. Usually. For a short time and distance, say from one end of our house to the other. But if I do it too often or at the wrong time, I get hurt to the point of not being able to lift a bottle of grape juice. How often is too often? I don't know. It depends on how much sleep I've had recently (and how well I've slept). It depends on what else I've done recently.
The spoons analogy really does work to some extent. Except that the number of spoons required for doing things isn't constant.
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no subject
Date: 2006-02-18 03:26 pm (UTC)I'm sorry for any inadvertant cat hair triggering on my/our part. :( If you have suggestions for how to minimize it, I'll give them a try. Would a lint roller before visiting help you think?
I'm not sure what else I can do to help. I have some idea what you're going through, as I've been there somewhat on the health stuff. I hope you are better soon.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-18 11:40 pm (UTC)I don't think you've really set me off much. Generally, the length of a room is enough for me to be okay. Usually. I've only recently realized that I need to pay attention to the cat hair thing, so it's another thing I'm not quite sure about the shape of.
I have no idea at all what might help. I hate that fact because it makes the problem very hard to address at all. I don't want to lose my ability to socialize with people I like or to be forced to keep such contacts electronic. I *like* people.
I'm sure I'll start figuring some things out as I manage to define the problem more fully. At least, I hope so.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-18 11:52 pm (UTC)If/when you do figure out anything I can do to help, please do let me know. I want to come see you guys more often, M and S enjoy seeing Delia, and I really do want to play B5 semi-regularly with Scott and crew. I even bought some more cards.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-18 11:59 pm (UTC)I don't see any reason to cut back on socializing with your family, at least when I'm otherwise doing okay. I'll just have to avoid sitting next to any of you at the table and probably keep the loveseat just for me if any of you sit in the livingroom. I definitely don't want to interfere with the B5 playing. Scott's very up about it, and I really like having visitors. Also, I think that M and S are good for Delia.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-18 04:14 pm (UTC)I'm so sorry you're feeling worse again, and I hope you're able to make changes that help. Or just plain get better regardless of how that happens.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-18 08:11 pm (UTC)I agree, cabinets would be a good step. Probably a hassle and a bit of an expense, but the book-collection emotional comfort shouldn't be underrated.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-18 11:56 pm (UTC)And I'm glad that my friends understand the emotional comfort that can come from owning books. ::grins::
no subject
Date: 2006-02-18 11:54 pm (UTC)We do actually have more books than we have space for. The difficulty in talking to my mother about it is that she puts no value on them and doesn't feel that we should either. She's not entirely wrong, but her priorities are so foreign that nothing either of us says to the other works. We both just get mad.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-18 04:40 pm (UTC)I'm a madwoman about simplifying. It's the only response I have when life gets too complicated.
Good luck, and I hope things improve for you, soon! *hugs*
^_^
no subject
Date: 2006-02-19 12:08 am (UTC)If I need to do more, I will. I just won't be happy about it. Loss is loss.
Thanks for the good wishes.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-18 05:09 pm (UTC)I think that looking after yourself and being as comfortable, rested and un-stressed as possible ought to be somewhere near the top of your priorities list.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-19 12:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-18 10:12 pm (UTC)Wish I had a better suggestion ._. It sort of sounds like a budgetting problem, like you need to create a budget for your life, not in money, but in...other areas. Areas like energy, and things that you enjoy.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-19 01:07 am (UTC)I'll probably also include a few things that I enjoy that I've given up because I couldn't figure out a way to make them work any more. Looking at those things again may frustrate me more, but I might also have some new ideas for ways to approach the problems. It's been a while.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-19 04:00 pm (UTC)I'd certainly recommend revisiting those, then. What was true at the time of the probably-valid decision Then doesn't necessarily mean it's still true or the decision's still valid Now. Maybe it is (bummer!), and maybe it isn't (hooray!), but you won't know unless you revisit.
[Hugs]. Good luck.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-20 05:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-18 10:41 pm (UTC)About the books -- I'm going through a similar thing -- I am going to do a severe prune of the collection, because I've been told that (a) how I'm keeping it is helping the mold, etc. grow (also in my basement) and (b) I don't have a lot more room to keep it all. So I'm figuring on only keeping what I must and getting rid of what I can bear to part with. I'd like to say that might be up to half, but I'll be happy if it's a fourth of it all. I have already been going through papers, and gotten rid of a lot. It's hard, though. I want ot keep all my stuff!
Best of luck with it -- if I can help -- let me know.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-19 01:28 am (UTC)I want to avoid a severe pruning though. It hurts too much to do that, and I'll often get rid of things only to buy new copies a few years later. We do have our books stored reasonably well to avoid mold/mildew (our basement's actually quite dry all year round).
I'd read about your book pruning project with some empathetic pain, though. I can see the necessity, especially when your health affects your ability to do things that other people depend on you for. It's just a hard thing.
And I will let you know if you can help. If it weren't for the allergy thing and for your busy schedule, I'd ask if you could visit. I tire out fast, but having people to talk to helps me a lot. (Most people label me as an introvert, but I think I go rather more in the extrovert direction, in spite of my social anxiety problems. Talking with people energizes me when it goes well.)
no subject
Date: 2006-02-18 10:58 pm (UTC)*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2006-02-19 01:30 am (UTC)I don't really think that there's anything anybody can do just now (apart from understanding if I don't post or comment on LJ very often). I need to find my way through this, and it's going to take some work.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-19 04:34 am (UTC)1) You are so allergic to animals that hair/dander on clothes can trigger you. It's not that unusual for allergies to become more severe over time. (Mine went from practically non-existant to nuisance-level, in my early thirties.) Accept that your limits have changed, and deal with the new limits rather than trying to pretend you just need to avoid direct contact with animals.
1a) One of my former housemates has severe allergies to animals, and a daughter who LOVES playing with the neighbors' dogs. I used to take her to the dog-walking park as a treat. She understood, when she was younger than Delia is now, that playing with dogs or cats (or pony-rides) meant changing clothes as soon as we got home. "So Daddy doesn't cough."
1b) I know it's easier to train your daughter than your mother. (But remember, you don't actually see your mother all that often...she lives far away.)
1c) Some of your friends have cats they live with and love dearly, and they want to be able to visit you without making your health problems worse. If they change clothes and brush their hair shortly before coming over, they're less likely to trigger your allergies. (Something else in that direction -- don't put their coats on your bed.) I know it's hard to ask something so intrusive! But many people will want to help.
2) Get rid of the clothes you're dubious about. You don't care deeply about clothes, and most clothing is just terrible for collecting dust.
2a) If something has not fit you in the last 18 months, only keep it if there is something really special about it. It's reasonable to keep an interview suit you wore twice, or an amazingly flattering shirt with attached sentimental value lingering for 20 years, even if they don't fit. Don't hang them in your closet. Pack them (after cleaning, if necessary) in plastic boxes to keep dust out of the fiber. Or consider those plastic bags where you vacuum out the air like this http://www.homedepot.com/prel80/HDUS/EN_US/jsearch/product.jsp?pn=154688
2b) Don't keep lots of ordinary clothes that don't mean anything special to you. When I lost weight, I managed for the first 3 months after I moved with 1 pair of jeans, 2 pair of twill trousers, 4 long-sleeved shirts that fit properly, and 4 sweaters that fit. I also had 1 dress, 1 suit, and 1 skirt that were unsuitable for work, and lots of stuff that was variously too big for me. The clothes I was desperate for was wool socks and better thermal underwear, not anything my mother could recognize as clothes at all.
3) You care about your books and they are important to you. But the dust associated with open bookshelves is a problem. Someone suggested cabinets with doors. I've used such thing to try to keep lab equipment clean in a dusty room, with only partial success. Have you considered keeping books in plastic boxes with tight lids? That would lose the comforting look and feel of bookshelves, but at least you could keep a lot of books (presumably in neatly-indexed boxes in the basement so you could find one easily when you wanted it.) And it would be easy to wipe down the boxes when they started to get dusty.
3a) Do you know people at the university library who can advise about book storage materials? It seems like a library-science thing.
4) Consider HEPA filters. I don't recall if you have central air. Central ventilation/filtration made a HUGE difference for my housemate. (That was the main reason why we installed the a/c.) The noise of the fan at night was unpleasantly loud, but I found it a lot less disturbing than the noise of Keith coughing all night. If central filtration is not feasible, 2 good room units in bedroom and living room would help a lot.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-22 01:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-22 08:48 pm (UTC)The thing about dealing with a chronic pain condition is that, very often, the people who ought to be helping don't. I don't know about where you are, but over here, there's a powerful attitude that says that people who change their lives to accommodate pain or physical weakness are somehow morally weak. That makes being realistic harder, I think.
If you're ever in the area, I'd love to have you help with your clutter-clearing abilities. ::grins:: As long as you remember that some of the clutter is dear to me.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-22 08:58 pm (UTC)So it was very difficult for her to be realistic without going against her lifelong ethos of hard work and self-sufficiency... but on the other hand I also feel that if she had managed to do it, she might not have descended into the place where she found it necessary to behave as she has. Hence me having some awareness of how dearly bought the realistic approach is, and admiration for the people who do manage it - you've got some similar pressures on you, but I don't think you'll be doing to Delia what my mother did to me, unless you change radically.
And clutter... I frequently long to throw out half the contents of my friends' houses. But I suspect if I ever did experimentally divide some of their possessions into a "keep" pile and a "rubbish" pile, 99% of the contents of the latter pile would be pounced upon by its owner with protective mewling cries :)
no subject
Date: 2006-02-22 09:57 pm (UTC)You're probably right about what would happen with possessions. Some of that is that value comes partly from non-tangible qualities. My books, for example, matter to me only partly because they're paper that contain stories I love. They're also a safe haven, places and friends that I can visit with predictable results over and over again. They're never going through unexpected personal crises or needing to move across the country for a new job or... Real people are more fun, but books are more stable.