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I got that Social Security paperwork done and mailed. It only took five minutes once I started. Cordelia's bank account is much lower than I thought it would be. There's nothing to be done about it, though.

We've finished paying off one loan (home equity for necessary repairs). I'm pretty sure that $75 a month will go to the medical bills that are currently sitting on Scott's Discover card. I need to ask Scott to show me our financial records. Wondering is worse.
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I think the pinch hit is mostly done. I need a title for it, and I'm waiting on a beta reader, but I've put what I have in a draft document on AO3 in case I need to post it from my phone. I'm not sure how easily I'd be able to edit it there, but I think I can change the title to something better than 'Title yet to come' and post. I have one more treat that I'd like to finish and post for the Friday deadline, but I figure I can gift that after the deadline as well as before as the recipient already has a story from the exchange.

I ended up staying home yesterday while Scott and Cordelia went to the family gathering. By noon yesterday, I had a migraine, complete with light sensitivity and nausea. Even with me trying everything that sometimes helps, I was still feeling sick for hours after Scott and Cordelia left. Fortunately, I was able to write anyway.

I tried cold brewing some black tea (Stash's white mocha chocolate) over night. After twenty hours, give or take, it has definite flavor but is still mild enough that I don't absolutely need sweetener. The main benefit for me, though, is that it's cold enough to help me out when I'm overheating. A pitcher of water might do as much, I suppose, but this is nice as an alternative because it has flavor. I'm not sure if I'll go with it most mornings. I'm used to a hot beverage at this point. Some mornings, though... Hot tea may wake me up, but it leaves me sweating sometimes.

I can't find the form I need to fill out for Social Security regarding Cordelia's payments for the last year. I've looked everywhere I might have put it with no luck yet. I found the documents that I put with it because I needed them in order to fill out the form (the bank statement is still in a sealed envelope, so I think it unlikely that I filled out and mailed the form and then forgot). I am finding a lot of papers that can be shredded and/or recycled and a lot of papers that should have been filed. I need to make a file for my various genetic screening reports and biopsy results, etc.

Later:
Right at the moment, the laptop is on and at about 82% power, so I'll have a little time for things like posting this and responding to email on my pseudonymous accounts.

I found the Social Security paperwork. I should have thought of it earlier-- I'd stuck it in a library book that I was carting around right then because I knew I wouldn't throw it out accidentally that way. I'm not sure why I didn't think to look there sooner.

On the bright side, I swept under my part of our bed and recycled enough paper to make the bin too heavy for me to lift. (Sadly, I am now reasonably sure that the missing library CD isn't under the bed. I was really hoping it was even though I'd looked more than once.) I also found an unopened Christmas card with cash in it. The cleaning lady must have put it there and then stacked stuff on top of it. I found an uncashed check, too, and will have to ask the person it's from if it's still okay to cash it. Oh, and find out if the bank will still accept it.
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Feminine TMI )

One bit of good news— Social Security just informed me that I’m still disabled. Not that being disable is good, but having Social Security accept that I am is a survival thing.
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I think my Social Security review appointment yesterday went well. It’s so very hard to tell. [livejournal.com profile] evalerie gave me a ride and moral support. The appointment took about forty minutes. The biggest problem was that I thought I had a current list of my medications but didn’t. It didn’t even list the tamoxifen, and I’ve been taking that for a year.

I just got back from the school. I was meeting with a couple of Cordelia’s teachers about the work she’s missing and about getting her back to school. Now, I’m debating a nap because I’m exhausted. I need to make a bunch of phone calls, though, and it might be better to get them over with rather than waiting. I’ll be anxious about them until they’re done, but they might take two or even three hours unless I get really lucky.

I also need to run next door to deliver a piece of mis-delivered mail. I’d just put it in the box, but some carriers won’t pick that sort of thing up for redelivery, and it’s only next door. That will only take about two minutes, but it’s really, really cold out there, and I don’t know where Scott put the letter in question.

Cordelia had her best friend and her best friend’s brother over after school yesterday. The two girls had an orchestra concert at 7:00 and needed to be at the school at 6:30. Cordelia’s friend’s parents work late enough that they couldn’t have gotten her there by then, so she comes over here before things like this pretty routinely.

The eighth graders played three pieces. I don’t remember the names of the first or the third, but the second was "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." I thought that went the least well out of the three. My guess is that it needs either more than strings or just a single instrument playing. There are eight kids in the eighth grade orchestra, two violas (one of them Cordelia), three violins, two cellos, and a bass. The seventh graders who played before the eighth graders were considerably more numerous. There might have been as many as thirty of them.

I was half falling asleep throughout the seventh grade part of the concert, but I forced myself to be alert and pay attention during the eighth grade part (I was also good about clapping enthusiastically for both grades).

Cordelia went with her friend’s family for hot chocolate after the concert.

Scott’s parents came, and Scott and I spent some time talking to them. They brought us some pears and oranges because our sister-in-law’s parents had sent them a couple of large boxes of fruit for Christmas. Scott’s mother thought the pears needed ripening, but Cordelia thinks they’re too soft to eat. She demonstrated that by pressing her thumbnail into each of them. I pointed out that it’s not polite to bruise and gouge fruit that one’s not planning to eat, but she remained unrepentant.
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I only got about five hours of sleep last night. I gave up when Cordelia got up because sleeping more just wasn’t happening. I think that a big part of it is that I talked to my mother last night. She told me that Social Security wouldn’t be sending me to a psychologist unless they were expecting him to give them a report that means they can cut off my benefits. She says that it means that, whatever information my doctors gave them, didn’t contain the right keywords. Mom’s been doing Social Security cases since 1978 or 1979, so she’s got a pretty fair read on what they will and won’t do.

My psychiatrist is on vacation this week and possibly next (I can’t find the slip on which her receptionist wrote that schedule), so I can’t talk to her about it and try to figure out what to do.

I wrote seven or eight hundred words yesterday. Sadly, none of them were on my Yuletide fic. I don’t know— Maybe I just need to finish this thing so that it’s not taking up room in my head.

Scott picked up some groceries on his way home yesterday but forgot the one thing that I’d have trouble getting through today without, so the three of us went out after dinner to get almond milk. We stopped at Orange Leaf for frozen yogurt, and we dropped some stuff off at the Traverwood library. (The library bag was getting a bit full, so I thought we might as well since we were in the area.)

We replaced our dead copy of Kiki’s Delivery Service, but the new DVD has soundtrack problems. Everything sounds fine except for Kiki’s voice which has a bit of static/buzz, just enough to make it sound like it’s a sixth generation copy of something from a cassette tape that was already too old to play properly. We’re trying to decide whether or not we can live with that or if we need to return the dratted thing.

I got very little of what was on yesterday’s to do list actually done. I think part of that is that the one thing I got done took more time and resources than I expected. Right now, I’m thinking that I’ll start the day with the essential chores (feeding myself, putting dishes in the dishwasher, making Scott a sandwich) and then try to make some phone calls. I need to make two appointments, one for me and one for Cordelia. I need to talk to a restaurant about our niece’s birthday gathering. I need to do some political action calls if I can at all manage it. I’d like to shower and start cooking potatoes for our contribution to Thanksgiving dinner. The potatoes shouldn’t be that difficult, but I think I will need to cook more than one batch, and I worry that, if I don’t start today, I won’t have the wherewithal to do it all tomorrow. Scott will do the actual mashing part, of course.

I kind of want more tea, but I’m not sure if that’s a desire for more caffeine or just for the warmth. If it’s warmth I’m after, lemon ginger tea will do the job more than adequately. Maybe I should just start with the lemon ginger. It’s not as if drinking that means I can’t make something caffeinated afterward. Putting the kettle on doesn’t take that much energy, and I have other things that need doing in the kitchen, so it’s not really extra walking to irritate my tendonitis.
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So, yes, my doctor agrees that I have tendonitis in all three places where I told her I have it. She gave me some exercises for my Achille’s tendon and referred me to orthopedics for my hands. It’ll take months to get that appointment, so the odds are good that I’ll be recovered by then, but it would suck to still be having problems three months from now and only then start waiting for an appointment. I’m to see if wrapping the ankle helps me walk with less pain, too. I’ll try that this evening when we go to Cordelia’s school.

She also wants me to do a sleep study. The last time I did one was 2000, and I was about sixty pounds lighter then. She thinks, looking at my throat, that I may now have some flavor of apnea and that that’s why I’m always tired. I pointed out that I’ve always been tired, going all the way back to high school when I weighed 125 pounds, and the results of the sleep study in 2000 were quite firm that I didn’t have any breathing issues.

And because there’s some law of the universe that governs when such things arrive, I got a letter from Social Security informing me that I have an appointment to see someone who will evaluate my mental health. Naturally, it was at exactly the same time as another medical appointment I had scheduled. Because of course it had to be. I rescheduled my psychiatrist because I was absolutely certain that would be easier than rescheduling the other appointment.

If there was a way to get out of going to Expo tonight that wouldn’t involve upsetting Cordelia, I’d be so very, very tempted to do it. Maybe I should take an Ativan now instead of waiting until right before we go. I didn't take one before my appointment with my primary care doctor because I knew I'd need it more for this evening. If I'd been taking the bus, I'd have had to anyway, but I can't currently walk that far, so I took a cab.
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I got everything urgent on yesterday’s to do list done. There’s part of me that feels like I didn’t do anything on the writing front, but I spent about an hour doing research to help me make some important story decisions. Sadly, the option that works best is the one that’s least original. I suppose cliches are cliches for a reason.

I sent off the Social Security forms today. Scott looked them over and said that they looked accurate to him. I just kept staring at them and thinking that there must be something else I needed to say or to clarify.

I’m still debating the question of running something at UCon. I thought about taking an old Amber scenario I ran at a convention in the 1990s and repurposing the characters, but none of the related documents are in a format I can open (I don’t know what they were originally, either, which makes it harder). I might have hard copies in the basement somewhere, but looking would be as difficult as reconstructing everything from scratch because I’m not sure which boxes my mother put that stuff in back when we were packing stuff away before Cordelia arrived. Tomorrow is the deadline for event submission. They’ll likely still take events after that— they usually do— but such events don’t tend to get scheduled when the GM wants and are otherwise inconvenient.

At this point, Scott’s not planning to get a hotel room for the convention. I would prefer a place to stay if only because it’s a huge help during my down times to be able to lie down or pull out my laptop somewhere comfortable.

Scott’s getting annoyed with the books in the living room, the ones I want to get rid of. I just don’t feel like there are enough of them to merit talking to Books by Chance, but they’re all things that start at at least $8 used on Amazon. It’s just that Books by Chance doesn’t like to take old books, and most of these are. I suppose I should email them. I also need to email an antiquarian book dealer who’s been recommended to me as someone who might be interested in an old Quaker book that I have. Those things just keep getting pushed down the list of priorities.

I’m looking at ordering some tea from the Stash website. The hard part is keeping myself from ordering lots and lots of stuff. I really just want the white chocolate mocha black tea, but I could get that sampler that Scott used up again, and I could try this, that, and the other thing that looks interesting. But I don’t want to spend money, and I really don’t need more boxes of tea cluttering up the cupboard, not even if they’re on sale. Sadly, the other Stash tea that I wanted more of, one of their Chanakara teas, the blue ginger, is out of stock. My impression is that that entire line may be going away because all of it is heavily on sale or out of stock. The Walmart website says they still have it for mail order, but I don’t know if I want it enough to order there.

I spent a while last night looking at fair trade chocolates I could order online. I won’t because, by the time it arrived, I wouldn’t want it any more. I discovered, though, that one of the chocolate shops downtown, Kilwin’s, has some fair trade stuff, not everything but some things. But I also don’t want chocolate enough to go downtown just to get some. I also don’t want a lot or need anything high end. A couple of squares of Dove dark chocolate (which I’m 99% sure isn’t fair trade) would do me.

My to do list for today has two things that will be very quick, one thing I can’t do until about 5:30, and two very time consuming things that I likely will be working on for days or weeks. One, of course, is the fic I’m writing. One of the quick things will be hard because it’s a phone call. I managed two phone calls yesterday, changing our phone number with Cordelia’s pediatrician and school. I should probably call Kroger pharmacy today as that’s more likely to matter soon than my various doctors.

The other quick thing is making sandwiches for Scott and Cordelia for tomorrow. For some reason, doing that at the end of the day seems to eat up a vast amount of time, but when I do it in the morning or early afternoon, it clearly takes less than five minutes. I have no idea on that one.
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Gah. Social Security wants me to fill out a detailed things I can and can’t do form for 'further review.' I so very, very much don’t want to deal with this, and I’m going to be kind of panicked for a while. So much of what I can and can’t do is in the it depends category.

I can, for example, take a ten to fifteen minute walk out of the house most days (but not all. Right now, the problem with my knee makes it problematic), but I can’t do it until about 9:30 or 10:00 in the evening. Partly, it’s less scary then, partly, Scott’s more likely to be able to go with me then, and partly, I go to bed between 10:30 and 11:00, so that’s the last possible moment if I’m going to do it at all. And I probably wouldn’t do it if I weren’t playing Ingress.

I can handle certain types of crises without falling apart immediately, but I will pay for it after. It’s the more minor, unexpected changes to routine that really freak me out to the point of irrationality.

I can do just about anything for Cordelia because, well, I have to. I chose to become a parent, and that goes with it. I just have to allow space for my mind and body to shut down after, and the longer I put that off, the harder I’ll crash.

Some of my physical restrictions, such as lifting, are based on seeing a specialist more than twenty years ago. I have no idea what such a specialist would say now, and I never got a copy of the report because it was paid for by my employer.

It’s also hard to explain how my disability changed what I could do when I have always had most of this crap. It’s just that I managed to work for eleven years (after four years of college) before I completely fell apart. I had been getting steadily worse during that time. It’s just that that’s the point when they fired me for not being able to do my job. Me having a nervous breakdown effectively gave them an excuse. I can actually do more around the house than I used to be able to because I’m not spending all of my energy on leaving the house and staying at work where it’s incredibly stressful because of being out, because of people, because of needing to get things done, because… Well, work.

I don’t have a migraine from filling out the forms. Yet. I probably ought to take an Ativan. No, this can be the acid test as to whether or not the metoprolol tartrate helps my anxiety. I know, from trying it once with Scott at home, that it won’t set off my asthma, but I have no idea if it will help my anxiety at all. I hope it does because it would be a heck of a lot better than Ativan.

And then I have an hour to figure out dinner for two eighth graders and, if Scott isn’t home by then, a way to get them to where they need to go when they need to go. Cordelia’s friend can’t have the pulled pork which is all of the cooked meat we’ve got in the fridge. There’s a little lunchmeat, and I’ve got some canned tuna. We’ve also got about ten baked potatoes and sufficient shredded cheese to add some protein.

But I think pizza will receive more enthusiasm. Thank goodness I can do that online.
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I got the forms 99% done last night. I just have sign and date them in front of a witness and mail them. I ended up taking Ativan to get through, and later on, I took Amerge when finishing the forms didn’t get rid of the headache. That helped some, but I ended up taking Naproxen, too, around 9:45. Scott made me some completely plain oatmeal because that was the only thing we could come up with that might be safe that close to bedtime and that wouldn’t make my nausea worse.

Scott was really surprised to find out that I’d made him a sandwich for work today in spite of the headache. I think it was largely that he didn’t understand how I could do that and not be able to muster the energy to do what I knew I needed to do to take care of myself. It’s different, though. Doing stuff for me is exponentially harder. Plus, making him a sandwich is something I can do without entirely seeing what I’m doing.

I have one Ativan left. I’ll be seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow morning, and I don’t see any reason she wouldn’t give me another prescription. I filled this one in mid-April, so it it took me four months to go through thirty pills even with how awful May was and our vacation last week.

I just really, really hope that this isn’t the new normal for me. The last year… I know it’s the breast cancer and my family’s health issues/injuries and all of that, but I haven’t been this bad since I stopped working. I really, really didn’t miss the joint aches and the headaches and the difficulties getting myself to do things that are absolutely necessary. The main difference now is that I can try to sleep at just about any time when I think it might work. I hurt less when I’m getting sleep.

Scott’s work called last night to try to get him to come in early this morning. He pointed out that there was someone else who’d actually signed up to come in early if someone was needed. He and the supervisor both knew that that person only signed up because they were completely sure they wouldn’t be needed and because someone signed up for a bunch of come in earlies won’t be asked to stay late. Scott pulled carts yesterday and worked twelve hours on Monday. He was pretty thoroughly done in.

We might have people over for games tonight, but I’m not sure. There was one person who said they definitely couldn’t come, and I think it’s possible that someone else isn’t able to come. I suppose it’s a wait and see sort of thing.

In spite of the trash going out yesterday, something smells a little funky in the house. I don’t think it’s in the kitchen because I can smell it mostly in the bedroom. The house layout doesn’t make kitchen to bedroom odors that likely. Maybe I just need to do laundry? I know I haven’t dumped anything damp into the hamper, but who knows what Scott did. He’s prone to dumping freshly used towels in there.

My sister called this morning. She’s having serious anxiety fallout from the car accident she was in about two weeks ago. Some teenager took a left turn into her car and rolled it so that it ended up roof down. The airbags saved her life. Her only injury was a broken thumb, but the car was totaled. Now, every time she drives or rides in a car with someone else driving, she’s emotionally convinced that somebody’s going to hit them, just out of the blue like the kid did. I suggested seeing someone about that because needing xanax in order to ride in a car is not sustainable. I’m pretty sure that it’ll be easier to address early rather than later, too.

My sister also thinks that our brother didn’t tell his girlfriend why he didn’t introduce her to us for so very, very long. Her impression is that the girlfriend thought that he expected a bad reaction from us rather than that he was just not wanting to share. He prefers not to tell the rest of us much about his life, generally speaking, but in this case, that was a jerk move because it left her thinking that, because she’s black and twenty years older than he is, we were going to be hostile. (And, even had he told her, I’m not sure she’d have entirely believed him. I wouldn’t.) She thought we didn’t even know he was seeing someone. I think we’ve all made it clear that she’s welcome and wanted at this point, but I don’t know. I kind of want to take my brother by the shoulders, shake him until his teeth rattle, and ask him what the hell he was thinking. She must love him because I can’t see anyone putting up with all of that for any other reason.

Part of me wants to go back to bed right now even though I got eight solid hours of sleep last night. I’m pretty sure it’s migraine hangover rather than anything else because it’s mostly that I feel kind of mentally foggy and that my eyes feel tired. The rest of me feels fine and awake.
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How on earth am I supposed to remember every single medication I've taken in the last twelve months? Prescription and non-prescription both... I can get some of the prescription information from my pharmacy, but there were a couple of in office injections and, I think, one or two prescriptions filled at other pharmacies. Also, the form only gives six slots for medications. I'm pretty sure I've got three times that. There's a section for additional information, but it's a PITA to use it, and I'm worried I'll run out of space there, too, since it's additional information for everything on the entire form.

Signal boosting:
A non-profit (@InvDisability) in the US has taken out a trademark on the term 'invisible disability' and is actively enforcing it. Can we take my rant about how ridiculous that is as written?

There's a Change.org petition to the US trademark and patent office (and to the president) about it. Not very many people have signed. I have no idea if the office will pay attention to such a petition, but signing is a low spoon option for protesting.

https://www.change.org/p/president-of-the-united-states-has-your-identity-been-trademarked-disability-for-sale
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I’m probably not going to do much writing today. I just remember that stupid Social Security review form that I got last week. I need to complete that, and I don’t know yet how long it will take or how much it will freak me out. I’m giving it first priority this afternoon. I think I might take an Ativan, though, because I’m getting a headache just thinking about looking at the forms.

Scott had to work late last night, and I realized that we still have a lot of potatoes to eat. I had pulled pork, and Cordelia had a potato. The lentils are still sealed and sitting on the counter. I don’t know if I’ll cook them tonight or not.

Scott will have to stop at the store on his way home tonight. He didn’t last night because he was too tired, but we’re on our last roll of toilet paper, and that’s not something we can really do without. The roll might last until he gets off work tomorrow, but I’d hate to take that risk. We also need lunchmeat and… something else that I’m forgetting right now. Oh, yes. Sensitivity toothpaste for me. I put it on the grocery list, but Scott always forgets to buy what I put in that section so that I have to send him on a special trip.

I also need to find a misplaced library book that’s due on Sunday and can’t be renewed. I haven’t even opened it yet, and I’d like to read a few pages at least so that I know whether or not to try to get it out again. I looked in the two places where I thought it was. There’re a couple of other options, but I’m not going to dig into them until after the forms are done.

I have an appointment downtown on Thursday. I also have a library hold that expires that day, so I’ll definitely go to the library while I’m there. My appointment’s only about three blocks away, so it’s not a huge detour. I may or may not buy lunch downtown. My appointment’s at 10:30 and runs half an hour. 11:00 is kind of early for lunch for me, but if I go to the library, that’ll make it 11:30. I don’t know.
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I woke this morning with a headache that I haven’t quite managed to get rid of. I took Ativan (because it might be trip related anxiety) and Amerge (because it was definitely migraine-ish). It might also relate to the weather. I heard thunder right for a couple of hours this morning. I just can’t seem to kick this one.

Scott is worried that he will get sick because he often does during his vacations. He thinks that suddenly not being sleep deprived signals his body that it can afford to be sick.

I’m going to work at getting Scott to bed by 10:00 on work nights. It will mean prodding and nagging which I hate doing, but apparently he can’t do it himself in spite of wanting to or, at least, saying he wants to.

I got Cordelia to talk to me about possible shopping destinations. Water Tower Place didn’t appeal to her at all. Her main objection was the lack of a book store. Neither of the other options seem to have a book store, either, but they do have stores that carry things she won’t see at our local mall. I think her interest in Navy Pier is more or less nostalgia because she had a lot of fun there when Scott’s brother’s family lived in Chicago (she and her cousin can’t have been older than about six). All of the things that I told her about that are there, she kind of went 'Eh' to (except the candy store), but she still wants to go. She’s very enthusiastic about the idea of Chinatown because the photographs online are very colorful and full of things that she’s not going to see in Ann Arbor.

Scott and I are thinking that they’ll start Monday with Willis Tower then go to Navy Pier and then to Chinatown. If I can manage the anxiety/agoraphobia, I will join them in Chinatown, and we’ll find dinner before going back to the hotel. I’m not entirely sure about paying admission to Navy Pier entirely for nostalgia and a candy store, but… Yeah.

Cordelia doesn’t actually care about the museums (or says she doesn’t). Scott wants to go to Science and Industry because it’s been his favorite since he was very, very small. I want to go to Field because I want to see the terracotta warriors exhibit (which costs extra). Both museums are big enough that it’s impossible to see everything in a day even if you’re there from open to close. I’m trying to figure out if we should try to do both museums or just one or the other. If we do just one, I’m inclined to go for Science and Industry because, for me, seeing a museum exhibit isn’t really all that different from seeing photographs. I can’t touch anything either way, so there’s the same level of distance and the same tendency for what I see to vanish into a kind of cotton wool memory where I know I saw it but don’t really remember the sight.

Scott needs to do several things today so that we can leave on time tomorrow. We have to pick up library holds. We need travel food and hotel room food. We need portable recharger thingies for our phones. I can’t do any of that without him to drive.

I need to dig out suitcases (I wrote yesterday. I didn’t actually do anything useful). Now that we have a plan for Monday, I have to print directions. Scott’s planning to get an app for finding directions on the fly, but he can’t tell which one is the official app and refuses to go to the the CTA website in order to identify it. I have no idea what that refusal has to do with. Is it like the old 'If you ask for directions, you lose,' thing?

I’ve got enough clean clothes to pack without needing to do laundry, so I should be able to start. Cordelia has packed everything except what she needs to get through today and tomorrow morning. I’m trying to decide whether or not I want to take all of my medication bottles or just count out enough to get through the trip. The bottles are a PITA, and I would have to leave them in our hotel room. I don’t think anyone would steal any of my meds. People don’t go wild for anti-reflux meds or for singulair or what have you. The bottles are also evidence that the medication is legitimately prescribed. But, really, would anybody think I had levothyroxine for some other reason? I think Wellbutrin is the most likely, of any of my meds, to be abusable, but that’s purely a guess.

Let’s see… The trash has to go out. It’s already a bit stinky. I can’t imagine what it would be like by Wednesday. I should probably pull things that will go bad out of the fridge and toss them before I take out that trash. I’ll run the dishwasher tomorrow morning, whether it’s full or not, because I’m not willing to leave dirty dishes in there for days.

Oh, great. The mail just arrived, and I’ve got a largish packet from Social Security. They want me to prove that I’m still disabled. I think I’d be better able to deal with this if I didn’t have a headache and wasn’t trying to put together a vacation plan. They want a list of every doctor/medical professional I’ve seen in the last year. I hope I can pull that list together. It will probably help that all but one of them is part of the UMHS.

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